Yours, Mine, Ours, Theirs: Always
by writingtoreachyou
Summary: Years after Elliot and Olivia reunited for a one night stand that brought them a daughter Evie Grace, we are returning to finish the story. Elliot and Olivia Stabler, Evie and Calvin Arliss, Texas and daughter Elena, Captain Amaro, Fin and on off romance Melinda Warner and a few other faces return for the final chapter of a long story….
1. It Matters How This Ends

**Authors Note – I am back, we are back! I really hope that some of the loyal readers from way back when I was originally writing this and who wanted and really deserved to finally see it finished are able to read. **

**I have stripped back the last couple of updates from 'Theirs' as I really wasn't happy with them and the way they were written. I didn't like the tone or the direction I had set and so I want to just do-over and take it back to before that last time jump.**

 **For ease – Calvin and Evie have just had the twins, no further kids. Sophia has not made a reappearance.**

 **I am hoping that everything else fits timeline and tone wise. I have re-read everything I had written previously and really tried to reimmerse myself with the characters and this little alternative reality so I hope that you enjoy reading. The previous stories are still out there, should anyone want a refresher, and I am happy to field any questions or fill any gaps!**

* * *

"You are and will forever be the single most breathtakingly beautiful woman ever to walk the earth Olivia Stabler."

"The answer is still no."

"You're funny…." smirked Elliot, tossing his right ankle up onto his left knee and shrugging deeper into the hospital chair in which he was sat. "I'm serious though, not about the motorbike. You win there, I'm an old man and I don't need any help with rapid aging."

"Thank _God_ that battle is finally over."

"You're taking my kidney though. I'm not even close to quitting that battle. It's war, Liv. You're having the operation come hell or high water, even if I have to knock you out and drag you in there."

"Wow, well, that's quite the statement Detective Stabler….." flashing a lopsided smile Olivia laughed, "… and probably not one that you want to toss around in earshot of anyone who isn't bound by spousal privilege."

"You half assing our golden years just isn't in the plans. I need you strong, healthy. I need you running around after our grandbabies. I need you at my side. That's how it's always been…." reaching out a flat, open palm for hers Elliot sighed, "… and I don't plan on that changing. Not now, not ever."

"I know, I know and I agree I do…."

"We're partners Olivia…." as she lay her palm on top of his he squeezed her hand tight, "…. that needs both of us to work."

"It's a risk, potentially a big one. You get that right?"

"No, no what I get is that _not_ having the transplant. That's a bigger risk. That's a risk I'm not willing to take and you shouldn't be either. That's not who you are."

"Oh no, no you don't get to do that. It's clever, it's real smart of you to go there but it isn't fair."

"The kids agree with me. You're not the lie down and take it kind. You've stood up again and again and again to give people a second shot, a second chance at living their life. To stop something or someone taking it from them. Stand up now, Liv. Stand up and give yourself the best possible shot at being your old self again."

"I am tired of being tired."

"So is that a yes? You'll do it?"

"Having Evie and the babies back in New York this past month, getting to see their little family growing up, I don't want miss it El. Texas and Leni, Calvin and Fin and….." the words caught in her throat as she looked away, letting a curtain of bangs fall in her face and hide the tears welling in her eyes Olivia paused. "There is _so much_ that I want to be a part of. I don't want to sit on the side lines. I don't want to miss….." turning back to him she choked, "… even a second of any of it."

"You won't, you won't Olivia…." sliding from his seat he knelt beside her chair as the dialysis machine gurgled on mutedly beside her, "… because we need you, all of us. Every single one of us."

"And I need all of you."

"So you'll put in for the transplant?"

"I have the family and the life I **dreamed** about El….." closing her eyes and letting tears escape with a relieved sigh she finally decided, "… so yes, yes I'll gratefully accept your kidney. I'll have the transplant."

* * *

"I think he's doing the right thing."

"Evie be careful, just go easy on your brother okay. I know you've got a lot of love and a lot of opinions about his relationship with Leah, and this decision he's making but…."

"But he knows I've never been her biggest fan?" offered Eve, wrapping her lips around the giant straw in her smoothie and taking a long gurgling sip. "I know."

"I just think it's kinder to give him a little room to breathe on this one. He knows you're on board, he knows what you think."

"It's kinda gonna sound like 'I told you so' right?" she smiled, a little sad to realise it. Though so often she had insight into her brother's mind, his hidden heart, it had often got her into trouble and she suspected that Olivia was right. "Mom can I ask you a question?"

"Always."

"Do you think he's planning this whole travelling thing for the right reasons? I guess I'm just scared he's running away. What if he comes back and just starts seeing her all over again? What if this is just another one of Sam's long and drawn out meltdowns where he winds up right back at the same place all over again?"

"Then that's what'll happen and we just keep being there for him."

"I just want him to figure out what he wants. He's not a kid anymore. It's been so long with him just being so lost and wandering from one thing or one girl to another without…."

"Evie you can't judge everyone by your standards. He's not like you. He's never been like you. You are cut from the same cloth but you're as different as two souls can be."

"I've missed this Momma."

"What? Me winding your neck back in?" quipped Olivia, slurping at her coffee and then pressing a tender kiss against CJ's head as he bounced in her lap.

"Getting coffee, hanging out, talking to you over a table not over a Skype connection."

"I've missed it too, baby girl."

"I guess I'm not so much of a baby anymore, huh?" laughed Eve, leaning down to pop Livi's pacifier back into her mouth as she sat contend in her buggy. "I've got my own babies now."

"One thing you'll learn sweetie, is that they're always your babies. No matter where they go, what they do, how old they get. It never changes, you never stop wanting to keep them close and protect them."

"Sammy will be just fine Mom, he will."

"I know, I know that, I still worry about you both though. It's my job, remember? What about you anyway?" though her ponytail still swung with the same gay cheer and her face was still that of a teenager the years hadn't always been kind to Evie Grace. Olivia felt sometimes as though no matter how strong she was there was a darkness chasing at her, the past she'd fought so bravely through was just a few steps behind her and it battled her light. "You still happy down at Fort Bragg?"

"Happier now Cal's home."

"Of course."

"It's good, it's great. I have Jules and a tonne of other friends, I get visitors sometimes. It's a good life."

"Evie…." tested Olivia, narrowing her eyes and pushing, "… you sure?"

"Cal isn't the same boy that enlisted. The tours aren't easy, the separation, the readjustment when he gets home. I'm not saying it's perfect. I'm not saying I want it forever. But Mom have you seen him? Have you _seen_ how good he's doing?"

"I know coming home this last time was hard on him. It took a while for him to land fully, but yeah, yeah he seems great now."

"He's better than great. He's focused, and he's talking about the future and he walks tall. He's taller in that uniform Momma. It's like for the first time in his life he fits his own skin. He's a husband and he's an amazing father and he's a soldier and when he talks about those things to people he just lights up."

"Oh Evie…."

"I know…." they both took a moment to just laugh at themselves. Of all the things that they shared, one was a profound love for Calvin that knew no limits of depth or strength. Cuddling CJ closer to her chest Olivia felt her eyes fill with joy as Evie added, "It's like he's _finally_ stopped apologising for just being him."

* * *

"My Dad is watching Elena for a couple of hours."

"Oh really?" breezed Texas casually, strewing laundry across the radiator and barely looking up as Gil entered their kitchen through the back door. "How come?"

"We need to talk."

"We do?" with a bright smile she turned around, but it soon faded as she saw the look on his eyes and the apology for what he was about to say written all over his face. "About what?"

"Oh Texas…." sighed Gil, taking a seat at the kitchen table and dropping his head in his hands. "I wish I didn't feel like this. I wish it was different. All of it; believe me. I wish that I could just wake up one morning and it be gone, this weight that's sitting on my chest."

"Gil…."

"No, no please just let me talk. I've been going over and over this in my mind. Lying awake trying to pin point the exact moment, the week, the day, the conversation where it all went wrong. Where we lost it, you know?"

"No, no I don't know but all I do know is that…."

"I know you love Elena, and that won't ever change. We're family and we were the moment that beautiful little girl was born but…."

"Just say it."

"It's not working Texas. This, us, our relationship, it's…."

"You're still angry about Johnny."

"That you slept with another man? You think!" he was furious, blind mad at her and she had known it for a long time. She had just tried painfully hard to convince herself that he understood the complexities of the situation well enough to forgive even if he couldn't forget. "But it isn't even just about that. We're different, so different, and at first I thought that was a good thing. We complimented each other. In reality we just don't agree, on anything, and some of those anythings are everything and that's when I realised that…."

"Fine."

"Tex…."

"You can pretend all you like Gil. You can lie through your teeth and tell me that it's because I'm opinionated, or I'm stubborn, or I don't like some of your politics or your City friends. It's bull. It's pretending. The truth is that you liked the _idea_ of where I came from, who I became despite of it. The idea of what I have overcome. Just not the reality, huh, mi amor?"

"That isn't true, it isn't, I….."

"You're like the guy in the expensive suit that rescues a mongrel from the pound, and then acts surprised when it eats the couch." Gil smiled, not because any of it hurt less, but because her expressions and her still thick accent made some of the sentences that came out of her mouth painfully adorable.

"You're not a dog, Texas."

"Just Johnny Arliss' bitch, right?"

"I love you, I will always care more about you that you will ever…." rising from his chair he moved to be closer to her. Texas stepped further away. "Please don't do this, please let's try to hold onto something. The good in us?"

"As it turns out….." he would not get her tears, not now, not while she had so few cards left in her hands, "… as it turns out Gil there really is only one good is us."

"Elena."

"Have you thought about her?" she asked coldly, "Have you even thought about how this will affect our daughter?"

"Of course, of course I have and I think for now we change as little as possible for her. I'll take the couch until we figure out what the next steps are going to be and then whatever we decide it'll be with her best interests at heart."

"Fine, fine, well it sounds like you have it all sorted."

"Honey…."

"No, na-ah, don't 'honey' me….." wagging an index finger of fury and indignation Texas hissed, ".. don't you ever 'honey' me again."

* * *

"Now there's a sight for sore eyes."

"It's only been a few days!"

"You know it might have escaped your notice but I'm strangely fond of you Calvin Arliss."

"Huh, is that a fact…." sloping across the Stabler lawn, scuffing feet and that same old lopsided smile Calvin threw his arms around Olivia and kissed her cheek, "…. good to see you too."

"I know I'm not the only one living in the constant fear that they're gonna take you away from us again."

"Don't you start!" he laughed, a light beard having grown while he'd been home on leave. "Bambi never quits with the same thinly veiled question of when I'm going back to Bragg. Like it's a death sentence or something."

"Cal!" she said sharply, pausing in her rearranging of the outdoor plants to look him more closely in the face. "Where did that come from?"

"Sorry, sorry I didn't mean it come out like that." He'd still said it though, and she sensed something was unsettled inside him.

Deciding evasive action might be called for Olivia took a seat on the porch step and patted the place beside her, "Come on, sit down, no arguments. Take a pew and unpack whatever it is that you're carrying around with you."

"She belongs here, Livia."

"Oh sweetheart…." reaching to his shoulder she gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"We have a good life down at Bragg, we do. The house is great, having a yard is awesome. There's space to raise the twins. We've got friends down there, she's got friends, she goes places and does things. It's fine, it's great, it's a good life."

"And yet you sound so sad?" dipping her head, catching his faraway eyes she waited patiently for him to open up further.

"It's not her life. It's not the _right_ life for Evie. It was fine for a while but…." shaking his head, running a hand thorough his hair and heaving a loaded sigh Calvin confessed, "… she belongs here."

"Honest to God truth, honey, she hasn't said that to me. She hasn't even come close."

"Doesn't mean it isn't true though."

"And what about you, love? How do you feel about it? What's the 'right life' for Calvin?"

"One where she's completely happy."

"You're wonderful…." reaching out with both hands Olivia cupped his face, squashing at his cheeks slightly and laughing, "… but that's not a good enough answer."

"I'm a good soldier. I do well in that world. I feel like I have a purpose, like what I do has….." it was more than he would say to most people, maybe even Eve if he was honest, but Calvin, "… meaning."

"Which is no small thing."

"I'm a father now, Livia. I have two kids who depend on me to feed them and clothe them and keep a roof over their heads. The life I want is one where I do all that, constantly, consistently. I can't mess this up, not even for a second."

"You wanna know what I think?" she asked, and his eyes replied always. He set more store by her opinion than any other on the planet. "I think that wherever you go and whatever you do you will find a way to give CJ and Livi all of those things and more. I don't doubt that for a second."

"Humph."

"Talk to Evie. Figure out what the two of you want; figure out what's most important. I don't want to put words into her mouth but I have a feeling if you asked her, she'd say she belongs wherever you are, sweetie."

"I just don't want her to have any regrets, that's all."

"Calvin?"

"Yeah?"

"One day, many years from now, when that tiny little girl of yours starts dating boys….."

"Not gonna happen."

"When she does…"

"No, nope, no m'am. I know boys, I am a boy, and I know what they think and _all_ they think. My girl is going to have school and college and a career and maybe after all that, sometime around 45, she can maybe go on a date or something. Only if I get to meet him first, punch him a little, see if he gets back up."

"You're funny….." and then heart aching with love for men Olivia grinned, "… you're also Elliot, you do realise?"

"I'd take a bullet for all of them all three of them Livia."

"I know you would….." pulling him into a warm hug she added tenderly, "… and for me too, which I know because you proved it: literally."

"I just want her to be happy, that's all. I'm not being a martyr, it's what I want. Seeing her happy, makes me happy, that's the right life for me."

"One day, many years from now, when that tiny little girl of yours starts dating boys….." holding him at arm's length Olivia spoke slowly, deliberately, unequivocally, "… you will understand the power and the beauty of what you just said. I just hope you get as lucky as we did when Evie met you."


	2. What We Could've And Should've Become

"Remember the first time we came here?"

"I do."

"Really?" a little surprised with speed and lack of hesitation in Eve's response Calvin smiled, "What'd you remember?"

"The sun, the sunburn. The beach, the sand burn. How freakin' cute I thought I was in my shamefully tiny swim attire…." he had not, he didn't mind admitting, forgotten that part either, "… and how whichever way I spun it I knew it was in big trouble."

"Because I was a punk?" suddenly he seemed to wash a little sad, so reaching across the sand Eve grabbed for his hand and shook his arm lightly.

"No, no you idiot because you were _gorgeous_ and funny and smart and just the right amount of forbidden and dangerous to make you completely irresistible to a _very_ vanilla little cheerleader."

"You were a lot of things Bambi, but vanilla was never one of them. You know when I look back on you then I can't really believe it. That you even looked at me twice…." his modest self-depreciation was so painfully genuine it made her heart physically ache, and then he smirked, "…. that your father didn't brain me when he figured out how old I was."

"You still don't get it, do you babe?" sighed Eve, clambering over Livi as she napped on a beach towel and dropping herself down into Calvin's lap.

"Get what?" he asked, stroking one hand at the small of the back and tracing the knuckles of his other hand along her jaw line. "Get what, Evie-G?" leaning in for a slow, lingering kiss he waited still for his answer.

"That _one_ look at you was all it took….." in his arms she still felt the same butterflies, the longing, the needing, the unconditional love she felt as a teenager, "… for me to know that I could never look away."

* * *

"Is being with Leah what you want?"

"Yes, no, I don't know. Honestly, I dunno Dad. The biggest reason for me wanting to take this trip with Josh and Kevin was that I started to realise I don't have the first clue _what_ I want."

"Which is okay, son. Honestly, it really is. There are people a lot older than you in the exact same boat, but without the balls to admit that they're still trying to figure out who they are and what's most important to them."

"I just kinda feel like I've thrown myself at everything and anything that's come along. I love Leah, so much, so much it kinda kills me I miss her so much. I just don't know that it's good for either of us when we're together. She's good for me, I think. Am I good for her? I got a girl pregnant Dad and then treated her like crap. I don't know I'll ever forgive myself for how I handled things with Bo."

"You did the best you could in an impossible situation and…."

"Did I?" asked Sam with a strong, unwavering voice that made Elliot proud. He had been a boy for so long, but in the past month he was starting to see Sam really start to figure out what kind of man he was going to choose to be. "Because I've been asking myself a lot lately what you would've done in that situation, or Calvin. You think if he'd gotten Evie pregnant he'd have handled it the way I did with Bo?"

"Well, I mean, I'd have killed him so he wouldn't really…." allowing his sentence to fall off into the space between them Elliot Stabler took a swig from his beer bottle and held his tongue. He felt older suddenly, these past few months. Maybe it was becoming a grandfather again, maybe it was just physical, either way he was realising that wisdom came at a cost and it made his back ache.

"I was so mad at Calvin for beating the crap out of Johnny. I got it into my head that he was better than that, that he wasn't the kind of guy who puts someone in the hospital, let alone his cousin."

"I really can't pass judgement on Calvin's actions there, son. I'd be a hypocrite. Your mother would be the first to attest to my punching first and engaging brain second."

"Calvin beat the crap out of Johnny because he hurt Texas. Yeah okay maybe it wasn't smart, or legal, but he's loyal and he loves unconditionally. He sees things in black and white, uncomplicated. You go to hurt someone Calvin loves and he doesn't just go to bat for them…." with newfound pride in Calvin's blind and pure devotion Sam chuckled fondly, "….he hits you with it."

"You're not Calvin, son. You don't have to be like him to be a good man."

"But I have to be _better_ , to be a good man. I don't like who I've been this past several years Dad. I've been halfassing it. I've been hiding behind this chair, my anger, some weird idea that the world owes me something because I got in an accident in high school and it took my legs."

"Sammy…."

"Can I ask you something Dad?" if he was honest Sam had aged too, in a good way. He had seemed to be a teenager for so long, almost as though time had stood still after the car accident. Elliot made a mental note to talk to Olivia about it; she always had a better insight into these things than he did.

"Sure, sure you know you can."

"Honestly, brutally honest, do you think I'm being selfish thinking about going off travelling when Mom is so sick? I mean obviously I won't go until she's had the transplant and we know you're both totally fine but…"

"Brutal honesty Sam? I think if your mom could've heard you say the things you've just been saying to me….." smiling broadly Elliot's blue eyes twinkled with pride, "… I think she'd kick your ass for _not_ going on this trip."

"She is _going_ to be totally fine, right?" he added cautiously, as though even uttering the words were a little beyond his comfort zone.

"Hey, hey yeah of course she is….." slapping a hand around Sam's forearm Elliot gripped tight and nodded curtly, "… of course she is."

* * *

"I know it's been a shock, Gil leaving and…."

"You think I'm shocked? I'm barely surprised mijo."

"Boots…."

"Your wife know you call me that?" asked Texas, her lip curled around a slow burning cigarette as she pushed at the dining table and rocked back on her chair.

"No."

"She know why?" this was her MO, he realised with a heavy sigh. Shut down, get nasty, and push hard against the word lest heaven forbid you feel any of the pain coming at you in spades. "You used to fuck me wearing nothing but a pair of genuine Cuban heeled cowhides?"

"Quit it, Tex….." he said with a deep, calm tone that both rattled her and calmed her with equal measure, "… you hold your tongue about Evie. I know you're hurting and you can yell and scream, you can throw as good as you've got at me, but you don't disrespect her. Got it?"

"I'm sorry, truly. I apologise…." pursing her lips and shaking her head ashamedly Texas frowned at him, "… you know I adore her. I'm just angry. I meant nothing by it."

"Apology accepted…." with a crooked smile he wandered around the table and pressed a kiss against her temple, "… now you wanna tell me how come you're smoking again?"

"It's just tobacco."

"You quit."

"He left me, Calvin."

"I know."

"I love him."

"I know."

"He couldn't see past it….." taking a long drag she puffed the cigarette smoke into perfect concentric rings and laughed bitterly, "… me and Johnny fucking Arliss."

"He tried, Tex. I know he did. He's not a bad guy….." and then saying that which he had held in for some time but that he could no longer swallow Calvin added, "… just a weak one."

"I'm damaged goods, mijo."

"No, nah you're…." lost for words to describe all she was to him, everything she meant, how much he loved and admired her, and carried her in his blood like family, Calvin moved to stand behind her and draped himself around her neck. Hugging Texas tight, pressing a kiss against her cheek and breathing in all the times she'd put him back together, all the times she'd sat up all night with him, all the times she'd saved his life he whispered, "I love you, Tex."

"I messed it up. I didn't mean to. I just…" he could feel her chest rising and falling rapidly, fighting the tears she was too stubborn or too numb to cry, "… screwed it. I screwed it because I screwed him."

"I hate him Tex."

"I want to…."

"What?"

"You don't hate him either Calvin. We're not capable of it."

"He's ruined so many lives. He shot at Livia, point black range. He's done murder, rape, just about every fucking crime going. He threatened and blackmailed you into sex, he treated you like garbage. He is the reason Gil left and Leni's family is broken in two. You think I don't hate him? _You_ reallydon't hate him?"

"I think we both want to."

"Where is all this coming from Texas?" he was angry, and yet somehow somewhere deep down he not only understood what she was saying but found it hard to deny it held a kernel of truth. "What's going on with you? If you're gonna be angry with anyone right now its Johnny, he deserves it."

"I'm angry with everyone, mijo, don't worry. I'm not saying he's a good person, he's not, he's vile. I'm not defending anything he's done. I'm just saying….." closing her eyes, refusing to look at Calvin as she spoke she finished, "… maybe I'm coming to understand it a little more."

"Bull."

"How can _you_ ever begin to understand Cal? Look at you. You've got a family, a _whole family_ who love and adore you. You've got your precious Livia back, she's in your corner…."

"She's in your corner too, Leni's too, and you **know** it Texas."

"You've got a wife and two beautiful children."

"And you've got Leni, or did you forget that?"

"Of course I didn't!" she was still beautiful, but a little worn around the edges he noticed. The fire had gone, and where she used to be jet black everything was charcoal grey. Her long dark hair had the slightest hint of silver flecked through it, her tanned skin aged her a little, and eyes once filled with pure Latin passion had lost their life.

"So what the fuck are you trying to say to me right now Tex? What the hell?"

"You're a unicorn Calvin Arliss."

"Huh?"

"You and me and Johnny and Trigger and Viv…."

"I am giving you a long rope here because you're going through a lot right now Boots, but I swear to God if you trash talk my mother I will…."

"You're the exception, mijo. What you've done? Staying so good, so pure, so honest and _decent_ despite it all? We were raised like wolves Calvin, we were dragged up, dragged up by people who knew no better. We're gutter kids, Cal. I loved your mother like she was my own, if I could've given my own life for hers or for Trigger's I would have. I tried so hard, I have tried _so hard_ to believe that anything is possible. That people can get out, can change, can turn their lives into something good. Johnny tried, right?"

"I…."

"He tried to go straight _so many_ times but no one would even give him a chance. He fed us, Calvin. Have you forgotten all that? Have you forgotten who took you to the ER when you broke your arm? Who taught you to defend yourself? Who didn't even so much as smirk that first time he took you out on a job and you pissed your pants. You told me that, Cal. You told me how he traded jeans, how he covered for you with the other guys. He slept in your bed that night."

"I was what? Like eleven? Twelve years old?"

"And he was the closest thing to a father you ever had."

"You don't know what you're talking about Tex, shut up…" grinding his teeth so hard it made his temples throb Calvin's felt a pit in his stomach, a churning, a pain so twisting it caught his breath, "… shut the fuck up.

"He lost the one decent job he ever had because he was stealing money to feed **us** , mijo. You and me."

"I haven't forgotten any of this."

"He sang to us when we were so low we didn't know if we could get back up again. It is hard to keep getting back up, Calvin, when the whole world wants to keep you down. What if just one of those times John tried to go straight had worked out? What if he'd had a Detective Benson? I'm not defending anything he's done, but he is what happens when you realise that it's easier to just…."

"What? What, Tex? Be a criminal? A rapist? A sick son of a bitch? I can't listen to this crap anymore so…."

"You should see the way Gil looks at me now….." she whispered, looking up and meeting his gaze, "… pity, shame, embarrassment."

"I don't think…."

"You're a unicorn….." getting up from her chair Texas touched Calvin's cheek lightly, leant in and kissed it, and sighed, "… and I love you very much."

"Tex? Texas?" he called, as she headed out the room and down the hall.

"I gotta get ready to pick Leni up, you can let yourself out!"

* * *

"I miss you, you know, when you're away?"

"I miss you too, of course I….." furrowed brow tuning toward her Calvin watched Eve pushing tiny onesies into Olivia's giant top load washing machine and asked, "… where'd that come from?"

"Nowhere…." she shrugged, flashing a slightly apologetic smile.

"Evie, babe?" he tested, moving to stand behind her and grabbing for her hips to turn her around. "You okay?"

"It doesn't get easier. I keep waiting. I try so hard, truly I do. I'm so sorry for even bringing it up because I know how guilty it makes you feel. I understand that you can't control anything, that you follow orders. I get it, I really do."

"Baby…." he sighed heavily, folding her slight frame into his broad chest and cuddling her close. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise, don't apologise! I shouldn't have said anything. It's pointless I know."

"It's not pointless…."

"I just thought I'd get better at it, you know? In time, over time, that even though I knew I'd miss you just the same I'd get better at it. I'm not, Cal. I'm not getting better at it and if anything it's just getting harder."

"I'm listening."

"I know my hormones are all over the place, having the twins has made me a wreck I know it has. It's just a lot, is all, it's just….."

"It's okay, baby, it's okay, I got you. I gotcha, baby…." stroking at her hair he nuzzled into the side of her face and pressed kisses against her cheek, "… I'm here, you talk all you want, you cry all you want. I'm here."

"I know it's just as hard for you, babe. I do."

"Stay here, Evie."

"What?" pulling away so that she could read in his face that which she wasn't understanding in what he said.

"I gotta go back to work. I gotta go back to Bragg next week but I want you to stay here. Stay with Livia, she needs you here right now and I think you need her too. I'll come back on weekends."

"It's far, Cal. It takes us like nine hours to drive home from here."

"I know that, so maybe I'll fly, I dunno. I just got this feeling, gut feeling, that…."

"What?" she whispered, seeing he was deeply affected by whatever it is he was about to say.

"That you already are home Evie."

"No, no, I….." but she couldn't lie to him. His soul was so honest, so kind. She couldn't stand in front of him and say words that were untrue, or be anything other than completely herself. "How would that make you feel?"

"Honestly?"

"Yeah."

"It scares the crap out of me, but do me a favour?"

"Anything, you know that?"

"Stay here, literally here, in this house. Look after Livia for me…"

"That's clever, you're smart; I see what you did there buddy…." she smirked, pushing lightly at his chest and then grabbing at his shirt and dragging him back close.

"Give me some time to think about it all."

"You know I'm pretty good at thinking too, babe. You don't need to fix the world by yourself…." taking the burdens of the world back off Calvin's ever broad shoulders she kissed him tenderly, "… remember?"

"You can't _think_ Bambi, not with your tiny girl brain…."

"You're such an asshole!"

"Hey, hey don't say asshole."

"Calvin I love you, I love you and our little family more than anything. Please don't worry about me, I'm sorry I said anything. I'm just tired and emotional and a little overly needy right now is all."

"I'm putting it on the table Bambi. I'm not saying I'm ready, not I'm saying it's the right choice, I'm not saying I've even gottan my head around what it'd look like. I'm just letting you know that it's done, it's out there: it's on the table."

"Getting out?"

"Getting out and coming home."

"Wow."

"How'd that make _you_ feel?" she didn't answer with words, just kisses and cuddles so warm, so loving, so grateful. Maybe they'd get out and move back to New York, maybe they wouldn't, but she was reminded in that moment that whatever they did they would do it together. Calvin didn't just listen to her; her heard what she had to say, he heard the things she hadn't even yet had the courage to say out loud.


	3. Hold On To Me I'm A Little Unsteady

**_Just a quick note to say thank you so much for those who are reading, and those who have left kind words in the reviews. I really appreciate your thoughts and comments, and they are really helping me to get back into this story and start to feel and hear the characters again._**

* * *

"I saw Tex last week…." said Fin, the lazy lilt of his voice always calming to Olivia, "… it ain't a pretty sight."

"No, no I know she's struggling. Did you get chance to talk to her?"

"She was at the park down the street with Leni waiting for Nick to get off work. He was taking her for the night or something. I didn't ask too much about it, kinda felt like kicking a puppy."

"Nick was taking Leni? Where's Gil in all this?" asked Olivia, narrowing her eyes as she wrapped her hands around her takeout coffee cup. She loved Nick Amaro, truly she did, he was one of her oldest and dearest friends but now for the first time they had reached an impasse. She couldn't reconcile herself with how staunchly he had fallen down on Gil's side, without even considering what his separation from Texas would do to either her, or moreover to Elena. "I wish they'd have given it some more time."

"Gil won't budge, he's all for legalising a custody agreement as soon as humanly possible."

"Custody agreement?" asked Olivia, dread washing over her. "How'd you mean?"

"He wants sole custody with only visitation for Texas. He's got wind she's drinking again."

"Oh God!" throwing her free hand in the air in disbelief Olivia cried in outrage, "Well _that_ didn't take him long! To throw that in her face! It's not like she's drinking around Leni, is it? I mean I think it's probably fair to say that a lot of mothers enjoy a glass or two when the kids aren't around, let alone someone who's just had her heart broken and her whole world…."

"You're preaching to the choir, Cheekbones…." interjected Fin, reaching for the cuff of her coat and then wrapping his hand around her wrist calmingly. "I know as well as you know how much she loves that kid, but that is _fast_ becoming a moot point. Tex is _not_ helping herself."

"I gotta talk to Nick….." said Olivia with a quiet, determined hush.

"You wanna tell me your headlines before you start weighing in over your head on that? You wanna update me on the small matter of the kidney transplant you neglected to tell your BFF?"

"BFF?" pulling a face Olivia turned to him, the lines around her eyes filled with joy and love that after all these years Odafin Tutuola hadn't changed a bit. "Is that what we are?"

"Are you suggesting otherwise? I'm hurt…." throwing her a sidelong glance he held a hand against the left side of his chest, his black leather jacket making a familiar waxy squeak, "… wounded, cut to the core Benson."

"Shut up."

"Stabler's giving you a kidney, huh?" he pushed, pushing his hands into the pockets of his jacket and sighing heavily. "I guess he turned out to be good for something after all."

"Fin!" she laughed lightly, their easy back and forth working on her like a tonic in all the chaos and noise.

"You know I can go all day. I got hours of material. You wanna stop playin' and start talking?"

"I have my pre-op consultation with my doctor later this week. We're going to talk through some of the more detailed aspects of the operation, what happens, what happens after that. How it'll be for Elliot as the donor. I didn't _not_ tell you Fin, it's just…."

"Humph."

"It'll be fine. It's dime a dozen for them, not a big deal. Then once it's over and I've undergone a period of recuperation I'll be back to my old self. Well, an older slightly more bitter and twisted version…." flashing him a little smirk she winked, "… of my old self."

"Baby girl headed back to North Carolina with Calvin?"

"No, no actually she's staying here. Just for a little while, not because of my operation…."

"Ha! That's what _you_ think…." chuckled Fin, knowing damn well Eve staying in New York had everything to do with Olivia and Elliot going under the knife.

"Evie and Cal are doing some….." she didn't want to betray either trust, but at the same time this was Fin she was talking to, "… life auditing."

"She's struggling being so far away with those babies, huh?" he didn't ask anything else, and he didn't wait for a response either. He didn't want to ask, he didn't want to know; not until someone wanted him to. "Well I for one ain't complaining. I haven't gotten nearly enough face time with those two tiny humans yet and Uncle Fin is prepped and ready to deploy."

"You're just one of my favourite people Odafin….." she laughed, turning her head and meeting his eyes, "… and I don't think I tell you that often enough."

"You're one of my favourite people too Cheekbones."

"So what about you? Things with Mel any easier since the whole loan thing?"

"Ken and Alessandro are getting back on their feet."

"Yeah, with all your money."

"Liv…."

"Sorry, sorry that was out of line I didn't mean anything by it. I just hated seeing you and Melinda in such bad shape. I guess you could say I'm invested."

"Not as much as I am!" he replied, part comedy part tragedy. "Nah, nah but seriously we're getting there. I broke a trust, I broke her trust in the kind of way that doesn't really deserve forgiving."

"Something tells me she doesn't see it that way."

"We're working on it. Don't blame the boys for this, it was my bad. I don't say I was wrong to help my kid, but I should never have kept it from Mel."

"No, no I won't argue there."

"We'll get there."

"Good, good I'm glad….." she smiled, and this time it was her turn to know when to let sleeping dogs lie.

As close as she and Fin were there were certain lines both had learned not to cross when discussing their respective partners and relationships. It had been different in the early days, and had had overstepped on countless occasions where Elliot was concerned. He had been fair game then, he had been the outsider in their friendship and Fin had protected Olivia and Eve as he saw fit. In recent years, however, Elliot had maintained a level of respect and trust. He had finally proven himself to Fin, and there was now a mutual agreement of where the line in the sand was drawn where he and Melinda were concerned.

* * *

"I get it, sir."

"Will you ever quit 'sir' ing me?" laughed Elliot, not sure whether to be proud or ashamed of the fear of God he had instilled in Calvin Arliss over the years.

"Probably not…." nodded Calvin slowly, the corners of his mouth creeping a smile, "…. which is kind of my point."

"What's that then?" asked Elliot, sitting with CJ quite content in his lap as he sat with Calvin on the porch steps of the Stabler family homestead.

They were cute babies, both of them, and he felt as though he was in a position to be able to judge. He loved all of his children, and grandchildren the same but there was no doubting that genetically Calvin and Eve just made beautiful children. Some of the others had had to grow into their heads or their ears, or out of a squint or a goofy expression. CJ was a bruiser, chubby with an open, trusting face. He was placid, but vocal and social, and he liked his food.

"Olivia Vivian Arliss…." said Calvin slowly, his daughter laying the length of his lap and her head cradled delicately in his broad palms, "… s'what we've named her."

"I didn't know that. For Liv, obviously I knew that part but….." giving the moment a chance to breathe, just watching Calvin pouring pure untainted love over his daughter Elliot added quietly, "… for your Mom too?"

"I wish she could've met her."

"Yeah…." chocked Elliot, the moment unexpectedly stinking at his throat and eyes. Sometimes it took his breath how understatedly courageous and graceful the man beside him had turned out to be.

Livi Arliss was an exquisite looking child, but her trust was harder earned than her brother's and she was quiet. Her hair was a light brown, her eyes giant saucers soaking up a world and trying to figure it all out. Her high cheekbones and delicate features bore the look of her mother and grandmother, but there was something about her, a magic or a mystery maybe, that made her an Arliss.

"I know she looks just like Livia and Evie. Don't get me wrong I'll take that a million times over you know I will. I just watch her sometimes, watching everything, she's so present. She's got stones. I'd like to think there's a little of my Mom in there."

"I don't doubt it."

"She was a good person."

"Calvin I know that and…."

"She could tell stories for hours, not just the lies that came later but real stories."

"Yeah?"

"She had a crazy imagination. She was fun. She loved music and dance and she was beautiful, she was _real_ beautiful before the junk fucked her up…" catching himself Calvin's eyes widened horrified, "… fudged, fudged her up. You didn't hear that, nuggets, either of you. I'm sorry, sir."

"I think you've got a grace period while they're this little. Don't think I didn't let a few cusses fly in the early days."

"Really?" laughed Calvin, enjoying the moments recently where Elliot would truly let his guard down.

"Calvin I know how much you loved your mother, and I know just how much she loved you."

"My mom didn't have anyone. She was lonely, she was frightened and lost and alone and she tried. She tried so damn hard and I tried to love her enough to…."

"Hey…." said Elliot gruffly, reaching a hand to Calvin's shoulder and squeezing it firmly.

"She came so close to being a part of all of this."

"You couldn't have done a damn thing different Cal. Don't even let your head go there."

"I miss her….." he hadn't said that out loud in a long time, years maybe, and it hurt more than he'd realised it still could, "… I really miss her."

"Trying to save a parent from themselves is the worst kind of torture, the most bloody and brutal fight I know I've ever known."

"I know…." said Calvin quietly, turning to Elliot and meeting familiar blue eyes, "… about _your_ Mom."

"Then you can trust that I'm not patronising you."

"What I was gonna say before, was that I get it. I get why you hated me for so long for even breathing the same air as Evie. Anyone harms a hair on this kid's head….." brushing wisps of light brown hair at Livi's crown he murmured, "… I will **end** them."

"I think that you and I have more in common than either one of us would care to admit Hercules, but what's really going on here? Where's your head at?"

"I gotta get out, Elliot."

"Out of the Army?"

"All I wanted my _whole life_ was a family. I spent all those years trying to keep my Mom and me together, Texas and Johnny too. I fought so hard just to keep 'em alive and out of jail let alone anything else."

"I can't even imagine."

"I was a stupid, angry, dropout of a kid and somehow I would up married to your daughter."

"You've turned out to have a few redeeming qualities…." blue eyes flashing teasingly Elliot smiled at the younger man.

"Evie makes me happier than I even knew a person could be and I am _just_ starting to come close to deserving her. I got my family. I know I took an oath, I know it's my duty to show up when I get orders but I got these two little nuggets and a wife and I am **done** leaving all the time….." leaning down to press a kiss lightly on Livia's nose Calvin sighed, "… I don't wanna leave Bambi raising these two alone. I don't want to leave her alone **ever**."

"There's no one prouder of what you've done, and how you've served than I am. Believe me, and believe me when I say it won't be easy. It's harder than you think taking off that uniform."

"Yes sir."

"Figuring out who you are without it? Not easy when they've made you believe it's your sole purpose for existing. It's tough at first, and I won't lie to you. That said I think you're doing the right thing. Not just for my daughter and grandkids but…." for his son too, said Elliot with one wordless look.

"I know I gotta talk it all through with Evie. I know it won't be easy I get that. I don't know who I am out of uniform. I don't know what I'll do for work or where we'll live or even really where to start if I'm honest. I guess I was just kinda hoping, if you wouldn't mind…." a little shy, feeling vulnerable, laid bare, Calvin turned to Elliot and asked quietly, "… helping me?"

It was a moment unlike no other either man had ever experienced. It was a moment that brought Elliot Stabler to tears, though he staunchly refused to cry them they just burned at the backs of his eyes. It was Calvin hands up, hands out, walking blind and trusting into the unknown. For the first time Elliot truly knew he had Calvin's trust the way Olivia had always had, and a new level of mutual respect was found between the two men.

"I wouldn't mind at all, son, I wouldn't mind at all."

* * *

"I won't say a word."

"He trusted me, Liv. I gotta tell you that was one powerful moment right there. That kid looked me square in the eye and asked for my help. I don't think many things have meant as much to me as that did if I'm honest."

"Wow, wow, sweetheart I am so happy: for both of you."

"I know he's not a kid, he's a grown man with a life of his own but…."

"I get it, El. You catch him in a moment like that and he's just that same little boy we knew all those years ago….." she smiled warmly, smoothing her jacket over her knee as they sat together in the hospital waiting room.

"Mr and Mrs Stabler?"

"Yes, hi, that's us."

"I'm Dr Richards, please, both of you, will you come on through?"

"You're running right on time!" said Olivia, hearing the words and not recognising herself. What an inane statement, and why did her voice sound so pitchy.

"I know this is a jump off a cliff."

"You can say that again…." smiled Elliot, relaxing into his chair and the moment as the doctor took up his seat behind a large white desk. "We just deal really well in facts, Dr Richards, if that's okay? We've really just been waiting a long time for this. It's been a long road."

"I get that, I understand. Well, then let us begin with the facts. We have scheduled your surgery for the 31st of next month. We'll go into the details of the procedure in due course but firstly I really just want to reassure you that I foresee no major issues, no red flags, no cause for concern with either of you. We wouldn't be going ahead with this if there were even so much as a fragment of doubt in my mind that the transplant will be a complete success."

"I've heard stories about people rejecting…."

"Yes, and it can happen, I won't lie to you about it. All we can do is ensure that the conditions for transplant are as optimal as they possibly can be. The human body is a complex and wily adversary at times but is also fiercely resilient and has a knack for self-healing. If it can possibly stick, it will stick."

"That doesn't sound very technical." Elliot was nervous, and it pained Olivia to see it. She knew he didn't care a damn about his own part in all this, only hers.

"Well get to technical, but first I just want to make sure you are both comfortable with the bigger picture."

"Fire away Dr Richards, we are here to listen…."

* * *

"I love this place."

"Yeah, yeah me too. I dunno though, is it just me or….." standing atop the Brooklyn Bridge, wind licking at their faces and the sun pouring down it was a beautiful moment and yet Elliot was just a shade of tense. Scanning the water below, watching people, seeing the way the roads below were a little congested and the couple slightly to their right was just a little bit off.

"You never really retire?" she asked, having clocked the couple at the same time. They didn't profile favourably and the way the considerably older man had hold of the young Asian girls arm made the hairs at the back of her neck stand on end. "You're always scanning the crowd with one wandering eye?"

"Huh…." he laughed, sliding an arm around the waist and hugging her close as they leant against the familiar steel, "…. not just me then."

"I had a conversation with Texas yesterday."

"Really? She's still taking Gil leaving pretty hard, huh?" with a faraway look Elliot wondered, just for a moment, what Kathy had done in those first few days after the truth about his relationship with Olivia and Eve's paternity had been revealed. "It must be rough."

"Everyone she ever loved has either died or disappeared….." as Olivia spoke it hurt for Elliot to hear, as her own stories were carried in the undercurrents, "… that's more than rough El."

"Yeah…." nodding slowly he just gave her room to breathe and space to talk. He hoped that this sudden talk of leaving and mortality didn't have anything to do with their two hours in the doctor's office planning their operations. She had seemed as calm as a person could be about it all when they'd left.

"She grew up with Johnny as an on off lover. Cal as her brother, best friend, maybe more I would guess. Not one single one of us can pretend to understand that triangle they had, maybe still have, I dunno. I spoke to Johnny, he's…."

"He's a monster, Liv."

"Yes, yeah he is. I just don't think he's a psychopath. He was made not born like that…." turning her head Olivia met his eyes and knew he of all people, knowing what they both knew, having seen what she'd seen of the world, would understand what she meant "… right?"

"The way he treated you, the way he spoke to you was unforgivable Olivia. That's before I even get started on what he's done to other members of our family." Because they were his too, Texas and Calvin, they were a part of Elliot's life and heart as much as hers now.

"I'm not defending him I'm just saying he's gone too, for Texas I mean. She nursed Vivian, she nursed and cared for in a way that bound them closer than just friends, maybe even than mother and daughter. I saw it, El. She _literally_ kept Viv alive, she clung onto her so hard it was horrible to see that kind of desperation."

"And then she died."

"Vivian died, she gave Sophia up, Cal joined the Army and then moved south with Evie. She finally found a family, a little stability with Gil and Leni and now that's all just such a mess."

"You know I have your back on this, Liv. Truly, you know that. We'll watch out for her, we'll check in, we'll even speak to Nick again and see if we can't have him meet us halfway with Gil."

"Why'd I get the feeling you're working up to a 'but' there Stabler?" she smiled, leaning her face into his and widening her smile as he knew immediately what she was seeking and kissed her cheek tenderly. "You gonna tell me I can't save the world again?"

"I'm gonna tell you you gotta slow down, we have _got_ to put you first for a while. Not forever, just until we've got through this transplant and you've got medical confirmation that saving the world is no longer a health risk."

"I know, I will, I just, I'm nervous El. I'm anxious about this operation and I'm not unaware of how serious it is, and what's at stake. I just can't physically _do_ anything to change that outcome. It's in the doctor's hands; it's in the hands of your long since promised kidney, my love."

"Distraction is fine, talking is fine, just no heroics? No overcommitting yourself to…."

"Can I tell you what Johnny Arliss told me? When I had him in the box?" she had capitulated, she would do as he asked and so he turned to her with open heart and mind. "His father hanged himself in Sing Sing. Tobias Arliss."

"Where you going with this?"

"Nowhere, nowhere I'm just never sure we've bottomed out the situation with those three. Every time I think I've gotten a handle on where Calvin and Texas came from, how dark it was, somehow another curveball comes right out of left field. I wanted to hate Johnny, truly I did."

"You're compassion really does know no bounds Olivia Benson."

"Calvin doesn't hate him. Even at nineteen when he was so lost and broken he saw the good in him, what little there may be of it. When Johnny finally left for his new start in El Paso, when he agreed to leave Sophia and Texas alone, he wrote Calvin a note."

"I didn't know this…." said Elliot, genuinely curious now.

"Johnny gave it to me to give to Cal. It said something about a bike, he didn't mention anything else he'd written. You should've seen the look on his face though, Elliot. Calvin does not hate his cousin, even now, and I don't think Texas does either deep down. I just don't think Johnny left New York because I threatened him. I know for a fact he hasn't even made an attempt to find out where Sophia is, or contact Texas since he left."

"You think there's some good in him somewhere deep down? Olivia the other two might not have been saints in the past, but they didn't commit felony crimes. Johnny had a rap sheet longer than most career criminals by the time he hit thirty. He's done unforgivable things."

"He's done unforgettable things….." she said, brown eyes wide and intense, "… for me there's a difference."

"What does all of this have to do with Texas and Calvin? What's your point, babe?"

"I suppose I've just been doing a lot of thinking lately. Where we've all been, where we've come from; where we're going next. I just have a feeling I can't shake, that's all."

"What feeling?" he asked, leaning in closer to her as they stood looking out into the horizon.

"I can't place it. It's unsettling, it's just a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach, a sense that something's coming….." maybe it was anxiety, anticipation and apprehension about her transplant; maybe it was something else, "… and it scares me."


	4. The Best Part Of Me Was Always You

_**Not sure how many of you are reading this after all these years. If you are I'd really appreciate you letting me know, even if its brief. I am really wide open to ideas alongside my own on how all the various threads woven into this story finish up, and I have taken so much inspiration from those reading and replying along the way. Thanks again :)**_

* * *

"Mom you're so slow!"

"I'm old!" cried Olivia, throwing her head back in a guttural cackle as she threw her head back in a long, cathartic laugh. "Did we earn ourselves an ice cream yet?"

"You tired?" asked Sam, catching the basketball as Evie threw it and settling it in his lap. "Your bloods gonna be able to handle an ice cream?"

"I'm old but I'm still in possession of all my faculties….." prodding at Sam's shoulder Olivia narrowed her eyes and warned, "… so quit nannying me my love. I am fine, I am a little out of shape but I will kick your ass next time. Besides, I'll have a popsicle, that's just ice and juice."

"I am so down for that. I still have at least six more months of blaming the twins for my blimp like state so…."

"Oh and the souls of a million women who'd kill for your figure just wailed in disbelief Evie Grace!" sighed Olivia, shaking her head sadly. Eve was almost as slight now as she was in her teens, a tiny dancer still dwarfed by Calvin. She did not need to worry about her figure.

"She's really annoying isn't she Mom?"

"I didn't say…."

"Hey!" baulked Eve, furrowing perfectly arched brows and hitting her brother around the head with the back of her hand.

"Hey yourself lady, don't hit your brother!" leaning in and grabbing at Eve's wrist Olivia put herself between the two of them. "I did this when you were knee high and you are _no better_ now my loves. Am I going to go grey trying to stop the pair of you from beating each other up?"

"Probably…." smirked Sam, throwing his full upper body weight into his wheels and pulling ahead of the ladies.

"You remember me bringing you both here? When you were tiny?" sighing contentedly Olivia remembered how blissful it had been then, and soaked up how wonderful it still was just spending time with her children. "I used to get the worst side eye from the other moms when they saw how cute and well behaved my kids were."

"They were looking at the wrong kids, right?" giggled Eve, pulling a face that said she knew just how naughty she was growing up. "I mean Sammy, credit where it's due, was pretty adorable, but I know for sure I was hell on you and Dad."

"Okay, well, now we can talk mother to mother…."

"Ha! Vee you were a tiny tyrant!" remembered Sam, his little eyes having watched her like a hawk when they were younger.

"Oh you didn't seem to mind so much Sammy. You know your Dad used to call you Mouse's little shadow, right?"

"I'll really miss you both, annoying as you are, when I go away." Coming to a halt beside the ice cream van Sam looked up, meeting his mother and sister's eyes in turn and smiling with love and a light sadness. "You're not the worst people to hang out with."

"We will be here waiting for you when you get back, don't you worry. You gotta go do your thing Sammy, you gotta get out there and see what's going on in the world."

"Can I remind you of these wise words when we're at the airport and your bawling your eyes out and begging me not to go?" teased Sam, but then in a spontaneous moment of unfiltered love and bottomless affection he reached out and grabbed for Olivia's hand. "Just kidding."

"You flying down there now, bro?" asked Eve, lifting their ice creams down from the van and paying the vendor. "I thought you guys were driving over the border?"

"Does it really _have_ to be Mexico and Latin America you start with? I mean I hear Canada iswonderful this time of year and…"

"Mom…."

"I know! I know!" laughed Olivia, tossing her eyes and brandishing her icy popsicle warningly. "Not another word I promise. For today, at least, I promise."

"You trusted Evie to go off to California to strike out on her own."

"Yeah and look how well _that_ turned out…." said Eve completely unthinkingly. Turning to Olivia she swallowed a mouthful of sprinkles and felt them catch in her throat. "Oh I didn't mean to be flippant. I just…."

"Sweetheart?" interjected Olivia, reaching to Eve's face and stroking the knuckle of her index finger down her cheek. "That you're in a place where you _can_ be flippant? Don't you dare apologise."

"I feel lighter."

"You have no idea how glad I am to hear you say that."

"Me too…." echoed Sam, flashing his sister a loving smile. "But seriously, let's not compare the two scenarios after all. You're not helping my case Vee."

"So are you guys done? Mom are you tired?"

"What you thinking baby girl?" asked Olivia, who in truth was feeling the most herself she had in a long time. "I am right as rain."

"Maybe pizza and a beer? Calvin is having bonding time with his nuggets and Dad is probably loving having the TV to himself so we're not on a clock."

"I'm in…." said Olivia decisively, turning to Sam, "… Sammy?"

"Dinner on Evie, sure, I'm all over that."

"Hey I didn't say I was…."

"Sorry sweetheart, I think I'm with your brother on this one."

"Okay _now_ who's annoying!" groaned Eve, as the three meandered together through the sidewalks of New York without a care in the world.

* * *

"Run Leni, run! Don't let it blow away!"

"It's tricky!" gasped Elena, huffing and puffing as her little legs trundled across the playground in pursuit of her flowery hat.

"Okay so she is officially the cutest kid that isn't mine."

"Spoken like a true mama…." smiled Texas, turning her face to the sun and soaking up its warmth. "And you are one beautiful mama Eve."

"I'm really glad you guys could come with us today. These two aren't exactly the greatest company on a walk when they just nap the whole time!"

"Oh chica, how you will one day look back at their long naps and weep with how badly you miss your own company!"

"Leni's a regular little bundle of energy, huh?" laughed Eve warmly, as the little girl ran back to them having retrieved her hat. "You did it Leni! You got it, good job!"

"Two babies."

"That's right, mija, this is CJ and Livi, remember? They're tiny aren't they?"

"Toes…." noted Elena, fingering CJ's tiny little toenails thoughtfully.

"They're your cousins Leni, isn't that cool?" sitting CJ up slightly as he dozed she put an arm around Elena, drawing her closer to the baby and letting her stroke and fuss over him. "You get to be the big girl and take care of them, show them all the clever things you know how to do."

"Cousins?" said Texas, her eyes sparkling with emotion.

"That okay?" replied Eve, a little cautious she had overstepped. "I mean we've never, I guess, I just assumed…."

"No! No of course!" gasped Texas, apologetic she had inferred anything other than implicit joy. "It really just means so much Evie, you can't imagine. Now more than ever…."

"You're not on your own Texas….." said Eve, reaching down and laying a hand on top of Texas' on the bench as they sat beside one another, "…you're one of us. You and Leni are family."

* * *

"You're really wearing that dress over there Bambi."

"Oh yeah?" she sighed casually, glancing over her shoulder and throwing him her best simper. "Are you flirting with me Calvin Arliss?"

"Always."

"You're funny!"

"I am dead serious."

"Stop it!"

"I got a hot wife…." twisting his mouth to a mischievous smile Calvin sat slumped in his armchair, hands folded in his lap, "… wild fucking horses couldn't stop me flirting."

"Your language is foul."

"Your ass is like a juicy peach."

"Cal!" she couldn't be mad at him, she couldn't even manage to fake indignation. His little face was just too adorable, and his eyes were so full of love and kindness it made her heart ache. Closing her eyes she just laughed at him, her heart full as she opened her eyes and groaned, "Here, make yourself useful, come put this on me will you?"

"Jewels as well as lipstick, we're going all out tonight."

"You're wearing a shirt with a collar, heck you're wearing chinos baby…." she teased, because Calvin's wardrobe barely stretched outside of jeans or uniform unless under duress, "… voluntarily!"

"Hey, hey, I can be a smart boy!"

"Yes you can…." she said softly, waiting for him to fasten the clasp of her necklace before turning around slowly in his arms, "… and I sure still fancy the pants off you."

"Are we good? Are we hitting the road? Mom and Dad date night a-go?"

"I got at least three hours till I next need to pump and every second of that is all yours."

"Wow, that is…" wide eyed and pulling a comical face Calvin added, "… wow, but I guess weirdly romantic."

"I think they call it parenthood…." with an exaggerated shrug she mimicked his silly face and grabbed her purse, "… come on, let's go, Mama needs her carbonara!"

"Hey, hey Bambi, wait a second?"

"What?" asked Eve with an offhand toss of her hand as she lingered in the doorway. She suited that green, he thought, admiring her dress and marvelling at how she was managing to walk in her heels let alone dance around at a hundred miles an hour the way she always did. "Cal?"

"You."

"What about me?"

"A lot of things. All of them good and none one of which I can think of how to say right now."

"Huh?" she giggled, wrinkling her nose and shaking her head. "You're a funny boy sometimes you know that?"

"You look beautiful…." he said with a quiet, gravity and a sincerity that went far beyond their earlier flirtation. "I am the luckiest man alive Evie Grace."

* * *

"It is _time_ Elliot; we can't dance around this anymore."

"Do you have any idea what even talking about this stuff does to me? I can barely stand to stay in this room with you right now while you talk like that."

"You think this is easy for **me**?" asked Olivia, a little sad, a little indignant. "I know you're scared El. Trust me, when I say that I know. I know because I'm on the other end of this and I have _every bit_ as much to lose. We're both going under the knife next week, remember?"

"It took us a long time to get here, Liv."

"I know….." she prickled, her brown eyes hot stones as she knew just exactly what he was thinking, "… I was there. Every damn step of the way."

"I can't lose you."

"I can't go into this with you already convinced I'm going to die on that table!"

"Olivia!"

"Well?" she shot back, without missing a beat and thudding her coffee mug down on the kitchen counter. "That's what all this is, right? That's what you're thinking? That's why you are moping around this house wearing sweats and a frown as deep as the ocean and talking to me like I am a grenade with the pin pulled."

"You don't get it, do you?"

"Get **what** Elliot?" she yelled, her face a picture of thundering fury. "What?"

"I'm not scared Olivia I'm terrified. I'm petrified out of my damn mind."

"I'm sorry, I know, I…."

For the first time, ever, stood right there in their kitchen she got a glimpse of an Elliot Stabler who was beginning to look his age. His hair was greyed, so short now there was only a snow dusting at the sides of his head and at receded temples. He had gained a little weight, and though his muscles and general fitness remained it had added a warmth to his face that was once all jawline and anger. One thing that would never change, however, were those eyes; those precious piercing blue eyes of his that burned for and adored her.

"It's a selfish fear, honestly. I'm scared for us all. I see our kids, how they look to you for everything. You're their moon and stars, their gravity. In different ways for Calvin and for Tex but the roots are just as deep. Fin, Melinda, my kids; you're the centre of everything, of all of it."

"El…."

"But the part that keeps me up at night, the part that really just takes my breath away. No theatrics, no hyperbole, you know that isn't me."

"No, no it isn't."

"I **cannot** live without you Olivia Benson."

"Oh love…." she whispered, walking quickly around the kitchen counter and stroking at his chest. Feeling his hands encircle her waist and squeeze her tight she kissed at his neck.

"I'm serious." Drawing away he stared down at her, locking her gaze and swallowing a solid wedge in his throat, "You _dare_ leave me."

"I will fight harder than you know not to."

"I'd like to say I'm a strong enough man. A strong enough father. That I'd be there for the kids, that I'd push through it and rebuild, but I don't believe it. I built my life around **you** , you're all there is for me. From the moment we first met you were all there ever was or ever would be. I'm not strong, Olivia, I never was. My weakness was what brought us together in the first place and while I don't regret one minute of any of it I'm not stupid enough to pretend that you've always been the strong one. You've held grace and courage and kindness in the face of things most people can't even imagine. You gotta do it once more, Liv, just one more time. You gotta hold the line, you gotta hang on, you gotta go into this with your fists up and…."

"I will, I will, I promise."

"We're right behind you, all of us, and I'm leading the freakin' parade. You're not a grenade, I'm not convinced you're gonna die on the table. Don't you get it? I'm convinced that you **can't** …." shaking his head slowly he just loved her, in that moment, in the purest and most unconditional and tender way and it made Olivia's heart ache, "… I need you to damn much."

"I need you too. I need you too Elliot and you're not weak, love. Don't _you_ get it? Don't you see that you're where I get all my strength from? That you are the first man I ever truly gave all of myself to, every part of me? Who I trusted completely and let myself love in a way I never thought possible? I say let, like I had a choice…." rising to her tiptoes she kissed his lips softly, stroking at his grey sideburns tenderly and whispering, "… which was never true with us. There was no choice, not from the second we met. We were just meant to be."

"Meant to be."

"Which is why I have zero plans to leave you Elliot Stabler. Next week, next month, or for a very, very long time. I just think that we'd be reckless and selfish as parents not to at least acknowledge that it is possible and to make ensure that everything legally and financially is put to bed before we both simultaneously go under general anaesthetic."

"You're right, of course….." he smiled, sad but admiring of how she was selfless and thinking of everyone else even now, "… as always."

"Oh and I want _that_ noted in writing!" she quipped, and they both laughed.


	5. I Will Never Stop Watching As You Leave

"Here."

"What's this?"

"Puzzles."

"Oh, great, well, thanks…." said Olivia warmly, taking the stack of magazines from Calvin's hand and trying to mask her slight confusion. "That's great, really kind of you."

"It'll keep you busy. Keep your mind on something else. Stop you thinking about, y'know…." lifting his shoulders and then letting them sag back down casually Calvin didn't break a smile, "… Kidneygate."

"Is that what we're calling it?" laughed Olivia, forgetting herself for a moment and feeling relaxed for the first time since she'd been admitted earlier that day. "You make me laugh Calvin Arliss."

"Humph."

"You always have…." she was still smiling but her eyes were suddenly wistful, "….ever since you were a little boy."

"We've got ourselves a situation here Livia."

"We have?" she asked, seeing how awkwardly he was holding himself. There was always something slightly cumbersome about his frame, those broad shoulders and thick muscle, the way he hunched slightly as though he was still just a shade ashamed to be in his own skin. "What's going on, love? Talk to me?"

"I gotta go."

"Oh, that's fine, don't worry…." said Olivia, but his face only fell further, "… I'm fine! I'm settling right in and Evie and Sam will be here soon so…"

"To Bragg." He said, somewhere between a confession and an apology, "I gotta go back to work I got orders. I gotta be down there tonight. I explained who you are but it's no good they didn't get it. I have to go."

"Does Evie know?" was Olivia's first thought.

"Yeah, yeah she's fine, she knows. That's not really what's bothering me."

"What _is_ bothering you, sweetheart?" patting the space beside her on the hospital bed Olivia beckoned him closer. "Come on, come here, sit your butt down. I want you to talk to me. I want you to push through it. You've always been able to talk to me, right?"

"Yeah, yeah I have."

"So talk to me now, sweet boy?" she sighed, pulling back the covers and folding Calvin into her arms. Holding her tight against her she stroked gently, with a repetitive soothing and the small of his back and pressed a kiss against his face. "I'm right here."

"You make everything better."

"What?" but she had heard him and he knew it. She pulled away and gave him a little room to breathe, but still kept her hands tightly clasped on his shoulders.

"I tried to explain who you are to me. I couldn't. It wouldn't make sense to anyone else why I **need** to be here. They told me you're not blood so it doesn't count. I told them you're my mom….." he was holding her, tight and strong in his arms she realised, though he wasn't looking at her face as he mumbled gruffly, "… and you and me is beyond blood. It counts for more than they fucking know, more than anyone can know."

"Shhh…."

"You're my mom…." he said again, under his breath but she heard it, she felt the words resonate in her soul.

"Hey, hey, love, listen to me? Look at me?" and he did, but no more words came. The two just look at each other. The mother and the son; the final acceptance of a long established truth. "I love you Calvin Arliss."

"I love you too Livia."

"And you don't have to be here for me to know that, sweetheart, not in person. You're always right here…." making a fist with her hand Olivia held it against her heart, "… beyond blood, right?"

"Right."

"I don't want to go…." and in that moment he was a little boy again, being dragged kicking and screaming across the squad room with his eyes locked on hers, "… I don't wanna leave you."

"Calvin?" she said firmly, maternally, reaching a hand to his face to hold it steady. Planting a loving kiss resolutely against his forehead she whispered, "See you soon."

"Yes, yeah, yeah see you soon…." diving in for one final hug, holding her tight against him as both knew in that moment, that there was nothing on earth he wouldn't do for her "… see you soon Livia."

* * *

"CJ, listen up son, you're gonna need to do your old man a favour okay?"

"I don't think he can understand you, babe…." wrinkling her nose and shaking her head from side to side Eve looked on adoringly as Calvin sat with a twin in the nook of each arm.

"Ignore your mom, buddy, I know you got this situation handled. I need you to keep your sister in line, while I'm gone okay? Livi you're quiet but you're sneaky and your Daddy has your number, hear me? No shenanigans."

"Who even says that anymore you goofball!" needing to be close to the three of them Eve moved from her chair across the waiting room and sat beside Calvin. Draping an arm around his shoulder and kissed his cheek tenderly.

"Shenanigans is a _great_ word, don't you mock me Bambi."

"Nuggets you both need to be good, do what your mom asks….." locking his jaw the words caught in Calvin's throat as he added with a strain, "…. you take care of her for me, okay?"

"We'll be **fine** , babe, stop that….." said Eve, drawing her eyebrows together and fixing him with a warning frown. "I am okay, I'm right where I need to be here with Mom and we'll call you every chance we get and…."

"I put in my papers Evie."

"What?"

"I'm getting out."

"No, no you are not!" seeing red she sat back from him, eyes ablaze. He watched her familiar cheerleader ponytail swing back and forth and marvelled how, even when angry, she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

"I told them I'm not reenlisting, I'm not signing up again, I want out."

"But we didn't decide that, we didn't agree that was what you wanted."

"We talked about it; we talked about it a lot. I know what I want. We don't want to be apart like this, right? I know I sure as hell don't. We wanna be together, our little family?"

"Yeah but this is a big decision, babe! One we were supposed to agree on together."

"I thought we…."

"You thought wrong. You're blindsiding me with this, really, now?"

"That's not fair."

"Fair!"

"I thought you'd be happy…." drawing the twins closer into his chest Calvin's face fell, "… I thought you'd be pleased…"

"We have a life on base. We have a house and all our furniture and my friends. I'm not unhappy Calvin. I love New York and maybe I do belong here but maybe I also should've been part of the final sign off on you totally changing our lives again when right now everything is so confused. Everything is muddled and my mom and….."

"I don't want to be gone all the time Evie. Not from you and not from these two. I don't want to just be a name on a card every holiday I want to be there, for all of them, every single step they take. I want to be there for you, I wanna be there _with_ you! I kinda like you, you know?" for a moment, fleeting but true, she couldn't help but force a smile. He was adorable, even when on the back foot.

"You did not have the right to put a full stop at the end of conversation we had not finished."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm pissed."

"I know."

"You love your job, babe. You love the work, the people, the belonging. What are you even going to do now?

"I don't know yet."

"What are you gonna be if you're not a soldier?"

"Oh, I dunno Evie, maybe your husband? Maybe a Dad to our two kids? Maybe Bear won't sniff me like a stranger that just wandered in off the street to take him for a walk."

"We can't talk about this now….." she sighed, closing her eyes and rubbing at her temples with both sets of fingertips, "… either of us."

"I'm sorry."

"I know you are…." she murmured softly, leaning her body into his and turning her face for a gentle kiss, "… and I'm still pissed but I love you."

"I love you too, and I get that I did the wrong thing….." jostling his right leg lightly to appease a grizzling Livi he sighed heavily and looked Eve square in the eye, "… but please trust me that I did it for the right reasons?"

"I know you did, of course I trust that."

"I can't stand to hear tears in your voice down the phone when I'm gone and not be able to do a damn thing about it…." his hands full with the twins Calving just leant over and buried his face in Eve's neck, breathing heavily. It was the closest she had known him come to tears in a very long time.

"Cal? Babe? Calvin?" waiting for him to lift his head, meet her eyes, Eve nodded slowly and smiled, "I kinda like you too."

"Shut up."

"Where you go I go, right? That's how it's always been and will always be. The four of us….." kissing him softly she added, "… together."

* * *

"How'd you do it?"

"Do what?"

"I know what it was like for you when your mom was sick. I know how much you did for her, how close you came to losing her so many times. How'd you deal with that? How'd you be that…." hesitating a moment Sam turned to Calvin, and then seeing his brother looking back he shrugged, "… how do you be that strong?"

"I don't think you're really comparing apples with apples bro."

"I feel like I've been sleepwalking Cal."

"What?" there was a familiar pop and fizz as Calvin opened a soda, handed it to Sam, and then opened one for himself. Taking a swig he furrowed his brow deeply, "What'd you mean?"

"I've just had this feeling lately, maybe it came on suddenly or maybe it's always been there. I've been making a lot of excuses but the truth is I'm all out. I want fire, I want adrenalin, I want my mom and dad to know I'm really living my life. I want a girl to look at me one day the way my sister looks at you."

"You think travelling is the answer?"

"I think, at least I hope….." inhaling slowly Sam held the breath, then puffing out his cheeks he exhaled, "… I hope that it's gonna tell me what questions to ask. I'm not looking for an easy out, a quick fix."

"I get that, you know you're pretty fucking hard on yourself. You don't need to have all the answers. You're doing just fine. Maybe you don't feel like it but you will. I don't know what to tell you about being strong. All I know is that you cannot compare Vivian Arliss and Olivia Benson. You just can't."

"I mean there aren't striking parallels but…." trailing off and leaving his dark quip hanging Sam watched as his best friend found a smirk; a slow draw at the corners of his mouth that turned into a warm smile.

"Livia is gonna be just fine Sam. Don't go there, don't even give the possibility the time of fucking day. I get that your mind's going there but stop it. Being strong isn't a big thing; it's not about talking big or acting big. It's about one foot in front of the other, one hour at a time, one day at a time."

"I've missed having you around all the time these past few years Cal."

"I've missed you too little bro."

"I get the Vee's pissed with you but I'm not. I think moving home is the best freakin' idea you ever had and I'll pack her bags if it helps!"

"Yeah well it's gonna take a little time. We've both got some things to figure out, and so have you. By the time you're back from your grand adventures I'll be back annoying you full time."

"Can't wait."

"I actually need to talk to you about an idea I've been working on. I haven't mentioned it to anyone but your Dad, and I was gonna wait to say something to you. I kinda thought it was bad timing with Livia sick but hearing you talk…." pushing out his bottom lip Calvin moved his soda can between hands and weighed up his options, "… maybe it's the perfect time."

"Perfect time for what?"

"So your Dad has had me thinking about my skills."

"Are you being funny?" this did not seem like the kind of conversation Calvin would have had with Elliot. Yet, as always, both men were continually surprising to those closest to them.

"No, no I'm serious, I'm dead serious. I'm a fucking good mechanic Sammy. I can take apart Apache turboshaft engines and I worked in a shop the whole time I was getting my GED…."

"Can you put them back together again?"

"What?" it was like baiting a big black bear and it made Sam chuckle to watch Calvin swipe the air.

"Never mind."

"Sure I can asshole!" realising he was being teased Calvin reached out and clipped Sam around the ear.

"Okay, so, I'll bite, keep talking…."

"I'm gonna open up a shop, Sammy. I got plans, real plans. I've been working with your Dad this past week or so, I've got some money saved, and I've got a meeting with the bank lined up for when I get back down to Bragg."

"Does my sister know about all this?"

"Not yet but she will just as soon as I've got a few more details ironed out. Anyways I just figured, well, you're good with your hands….." and for a brief, refreshing moment, they were just two boys again and Calvin played mischievously, "…. dirty."

"I like taking care of our cars at home. I like puzzling things out, and building things."

"I'm not saying you gotta come in with me. You do you, bro. You travel the world, figure out what you want and just go hell for leather for it Sammy. I just wanted you to know what I'm doing and that if you wanted to do it with me….." with a face as sincere as anyone Sam had ever set upon Calvin nodded slowly, "… well, it wouldn't suck. It wouldn't suck at all."

* * *

"I'm afraid."

"What are you most afraid of?"

"What comes next…." said Olivia, showing her cards in a rare moment of indulged vulnerability, "… of not seeing all of your faces a few hours from now."

"You will Mom, we'll be right here. The next time we see you you'll be one kidney heavier and Dad will be one lighter. It's gonna go completely to plan."

"I like your confidence Sammy…." offering her son a hand Olivia smiled warmly, "…. I'm gonna hang onto it."

"Right folks, it's time to get your mom down to theatre. Your Dad is all prepped and waiting and we're ready to dance…." retying her scrubs the nurse flashed a jovial grin and blinked exaggeratedly at Sam and Eve, "… gosh darn it if you don't make some beautiful kids Mrs Stabler."

"Olivia, please, Sharon, call me Olivia!"

"You are one handsome young man…." declared Sharon, and then narrowing her eyes at Eve she grabbed at her chin and turned it from one side to the other, "… and you have a strong look of your mother."

"Thanks…." mumbled Eve, a little uncomfortable but trying politely not to show it.

"Okay, come on let's hussle Chuck, Larry, Jacinta I need you on this bed…." poised and calm in her command Sharon coordinated a team of medical staff to gather up Olivia and set her on her way. Despite her overly familiar manner there was a great comfort to Sam and Eve that this woman was kind, she was in control, and she was going with their mother.

"Mom? Mom you're gonna be fine, okay? We're gonna be right here the whole time, we won't move an inch…." ignoring disgruntled looks from the two men on the right side of the bed Eve dove between them and grabbed for Olivia's face, cupping it tight in both hands and planting a firm kiss against her cheek, "…. I love you Mom!"

"Love you Mom, we've got your back!" called Sam, letting his wheels rotate freely down the corridor after Olivia before slowly slowing to a stop.

"I love you, babies! Be brave my loves! Kisses!"

"Oh my God…." mouthed Eve, falling hard against the hospital corridor wall and sinking slowly to the floor as her knees buckled beneath her. Dropping her head into her hands she ran her fingers through long hair and exhaled. Sam could hear the tears in her breathing despite her buried face.

"Hey? Hey Vee? Evie?" he coaxed, wheeling close enough to stroke the top of her head, "Evie Grace look at me will you?"

"I am _terrified_ Sammy."

"Here, here, take my hand….." he said firmly, holding out upturned palms and waiting for her to reach up from her floor seat and put her hands in his, "… hold on, okay? We're gonna be brave now, for Mom, okay?"

"For Mom…." nodded Eve quickly, meeting her brother's eyes and never having felt more completely connected to him than in that moment of absolute terror and love.


	6. Accident or Grand Design

" _Now you requested to be assigned to SVU"_

" _That question on your form? Has anyone in your family ever been the victim of a rape? I'm actually the child of a rape."_

* * *

"'Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?' asked Alice…." turning the page slowly Fin took a peak over the top of the book to check Olivia's eyes were still closed, "… 'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat. 'I don't much care where…' said Alice."

"Are you _still_ reading that to her?"

'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat." Fin didn't answer Eve, but instead waited for her to settle at the other side of Olivia's bed before he continued. "'….so long as I get somewhere,' Alice added as an explanation. 'Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, 'if you only walk long enough."

"Anything?"

"Not yet, but it's only a matter of time baby girl."

"I know it just feels like it's taking forever! I'm like 95% sugar, I'm turning into a human Twinkie only eating out the vending machines but I can't leave. I can't leave until she's awake."

"I feel the same way…." said Fin quietly, closing the book into his lap and sighing, "… we all do."

"Sorry, I'm whining. I know I am, like I said, blame the sugar. Sam is trying to get something ordered in, just a pizza or something."

"Great shout, holla if any arrives. I want in."

"I saw Melinda leaving, she was so sweet apologising a million times."

"She'll be back just as soon as she's taken care of some work stuff."

"She needs to retire, Fin!" laughed Eve, but Melinda Warner was a little like her mother in that regard. Her career had been more of a calling than a salary, and she was hanging on to the end of its rope.

"I keep tellin' her but she doesn't listen to me."

"It's so amazing how everyone's been here this whole time. I don't think Sammy and I could've done it without you all, especially with Cal back down at Bragg. Is Ken absolutely _sure_ he can handle the twins for a second night?"

"They're, what, like three doors down the hall? Right down there, baby girl…." gesturing a hand toward the door Fin indicated vaguely to the family room where Ken was babysitting. "Besides, we've all been tagging in. You're there every few hours to feed them too, right? So don't sweat it."

"I just need her to wake up."

"I know you do, hon."

"I know it's gonna be a long road. I get that she's not going to just bounce back to her old self right away but if she could just take that first step so we know she's okay and…."

"Evie shh, hush baby girl, take a breath…. " they sat together for a few moments, Eve clutching at Olivia's hand and fussing a wisp of hair from her mother's eyes, "… take a beat."

"Fin?" came a soft voice as Eve stole her eyes from Olivia and found Fin's. He was so familiar, like a warm old coat that you reach for when it's cold out and the wind threatens to blow right through you without it's protection. He was as much a safe place to her now as he had been when she was a toddler in his lap. His constant, unwavering presence was a profound comfort to her.

"Yeah?"

"Will you keep reading?"

* * *

" _She died going down a flight of stairs"_

" _She started drinking after she was raped, to cope."_

" _Yeah, she never quite managed to do that with me there."_

* * *

"Hey Mom, it's me, it's Sam. It's Sammy, just checking in again. I sure wish you'd just wake up and we could talk for real, it's kind of strange this way, right? Just give me something, okay? Just a little twitch or a wiggle, just something so as I know you can hear me at least, that you're okay. I've got plans Mom, big plans, and I'm excited but that's new for me. It's all new for me, all the time. I learned everything twice I guess. I feel like there are two parts of me, two kinds of Sam Stabler. The one before the accident and the one after, and I spent a long time trying to get back to the first one. I was so angry, so sad and so angry and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that I put you through that because I guess, you know, as my mom that was really hard for you."

"You need another moment?" asked Eve, having pushed lightly on the door.

"You mind?"

"Not at all."

"I guess what I'm saying Mom is won't you just please wake up? Please, please just be okay so that I know I have time to do better by you? I'm happy with the new version of me now. Finally, I get it, I get what you've been saying all this time and I've got big dreams, big plans. You haven't even _heard_ what Calvin is planning Mom! He's bringing them all back to New York and I'm thinking maybe I could help him. He's got this idea that we could work together on a car shop and I thought he was crazy at first but maybe he's not. I can't wait to go travelling but you always said you were afraid I wouldn't come home, right? Well I will! I promise. I swear to you I'll come right back but you gotta be here Mom. Please? Please just…." leaning forward and pressing his face into Olivia's palm Sam breathed in the intimate familiarity of his mother's skin and choked, "… wake up and be okay?"

* * *

" _My mother was an English professor. When I was sixteen, I started dating one of her students. He was a senior, he was twenty-one years old. And he asked me to marry him. And I said yes. Because I wanted to get away from my mother. She found out and she told me that if I didn't stop seeing him, that she would have him kicked out of college. And I told her that I was moving out. She was half way through a bottle of vodka and she dropped it. It shattered all over the floor. And then she picked up the jagged edge of the bottle and...and she came at me, screaming, 'I'll never let anyone else have you.' And so I kicked her, hard. And then I kicked her again. And she went flying across the room, into the wall. And she slid down to the floor. I'd never hurt her before. I ran out. I was so afraid..._

" _You didn't kill your mother, Olivia."_

" _I know what it's like to want to. That's how I know Simone Brice. I called her back then. She was a law student, and she helped me survive it."_

" _Why didn't Carrie say something?"_

" _Because then the abuse becomes real. If you keep quiet, you can pretend that it's not."_

* * *

"He wants to open a car shop, Mom. He's crazy, right? I know! I had that _exact_ same reaction when he called me about it. He's serious though. He's spoken to Dad about it, yeah, Dad! My Dad! Who'd have thought the two of them would wind up thick as thieves. Anyways he's been speaking to the bank and getting all this advice and I wanted to be so pissed at him when he told me he'd done all this without me but I think maybe he needed to. I don't know. I sort of figure it's gonna be hard for him, coming out the Army. I'm not totally sold on the whole thing, the whole package, it's gonna be a rough transition but this seems like something that could help him."

"Evie, baby girl, the doctor will be in in 5 to check on her, just giving you the heads up."

"Okay no worries."

"Mom we're coming home, we're coming home to New York for good, so remember that, keep remembering that. We'll be back here with you! You can have all the time you want with the twins and we can hang out whenever we want and I can help you. I can help you get better and just be there for you like you've _always_ been there for me. Always, always, right? We can get started right now on all of it but you just gotta wake up first, you just gotta take that first step and then we'll walk it together from there. Hand in hand. You and me Mom, together. Dad is awake and he's waiting for you, Sammy is right here, Calvin calls constantly and your grandbabies need you…." her voice dropped, broke, croaked out the final truth, "… we all need you."

* * *

" _I feel like he stole something from me, and, and I need help dealing with that."_

" _He kept you drugged, drunk, no food, no water, no sleep."_

" _The torture that he put you through? The degradation? The jury needs to hear all of it."_

* * *

"You know it's kinda funny, when you think about it…." shifting in his wheelchair, rearranging his paper thin gown dragging a blanket back over his knees Elliot sighed, "… how close we came to losing it all. How close we came to never having it in the first place."

Stroking his fingers up and down Olivia's arm as she lay quiet, unmoving in the bed above him Elliot tilted his head and smiled, "Sometimes I find myself thinking that I can't remember a time before we were us. Not able to picture a world where you aren't Olivia Stabler and we didn't sit out on that old back porch together. Like we're as old as the city itself, and I feel old lately, I feel a hundred years old. The truth is, the real God's honest truth that I've come to realise just lately, is that I can remember _exactly_ what that world looked like. How it felt. It was awful. I was not a good person; at least I wasn't the best person I could be. I didn't like myself. Christ I don't think you liked me much at times!"

He laughed to himself, a dark chuckle despite it all, and felt his tender abdomen tug. "I don't think you ever really knew, Liv, just what you did for me. You changed me, all for the better. You took an angry, bitter, stubborn, selfish guy and made him a half decent human being. Made him a better father and the kind of man who almost deserves getting to grow old with Olivia Benson. Almost."

"It hasn't all been perfect, I know that, and that isn't what this is. I'm not gonna sit here with you now and talk a load of bull because I'm scared. When you wake up we're still gonna fight, we're still gonna disagree and argue the toss. I'm not afraid of that. I'm not afraid of a single thing anymore…." and then under his breath he choked, "… except this. Except for losing you. That just isn't something I can entertain, babe."

"I wanna go another ten rounds with you, another fifty if we're lucky. I wanna raise those grandbabies with you. I want to talk to you about the crazy ideas that boy Calvin has for opening up a car shop. I want you to stay awake at night with me, while Sammy's in South America doing God knows what with God knows who. I can't do it without you. I'm not being dramatic when I say that. You know me well enough to know that's true. I know it's what people say. I know it's what always gets said in these situations. We've heard it a million times on the job. It's true though, literally, in my case. I cannot live this life, or any, unless you're here with me. I don't work without you. Who I am now doesn't work without you and the thought of who or what I'd become if I lost you scares me. It terrifies me because it's dark, it is so damn dark and….."

"Dad?"

"Oh, hey, hi, son…." coughing into a tightly clenched first Elliot deliberately didn't turn to greet Sam.

"You okay?"

"Me? Sure, sure I'm great."

"I didn't mean…." physically, was the unspoken word at the end of Sam's sentence as he lingered hesitantly in the doorway of Olivia's room. "I ordered pizza. You wanna come join? Evie's there with the twins, and Fin."

"Yeah, yeah of course, anything but hospital food…." still hearing the pinch of painfully raw emotion in his father's voice Sam beat a hasty retreat and reversed his chair from the room quietly.

"We're just down the hall, the family room. Take your time, we're not going anywhere."

* * *

" _I'm married."_

" _I'm aware."_

" _I have a family."_

" _I know."_

" _This wasn't a mistake. I won't ever say that. I don't regret it…." steely blue eyes met Olivia's unusual coy gaze and Elliot smiled, "… not one second of it."_

" _But it's over now."_

" _I don't think….." furrowing his brow, taking a pause from buttoning his shirt Elliot swallowed slowly, "… I don't think that it ever began, Liv. Not really, right?"_

" _Right, right, of course, of course not. This isn't real. We're not here. This isn't happening…." hitching up her dress so that she could slide her feet back into her heels Olivia laughed sadly, "… this never happened."_

" _Olivia…."_

" _Don't, don't say my name…." she said, shaking her head slowly from side to side and pursing her lips that way she often did when emotion overcame her, "… at least not like that."_

" _Like what?"_

" _Like you know how much this is going to hurt but you're going to do it anyway."_

" _We both chose to ride the elevator, Liv."_

" _I know, I know that, the same way I know that I won't ever get over this Elliot. If I had stood a fighting chance before it's gone now….." and then seeing the sadness in his eyes she added, softer this time, "… right?"_

" _Right."_

" _You ever wonder, at all? What it would be like?" if they were together, he knew she meant. If they were to grow old together, if they were to find a way to fight their way through the walls and the chains and the barriers and just be together. Just as they were now._

" _Honestly?"_

" _Honestly."_

" _Every damn day."_

* * *

"What is it Olivia honey? What's wrong? You're here, you're safe. It's all done, it's all over, you're on the other side. What can I do? What can I get you? What do you need?"

"Elliot."


	7. Her Bag Is Now Much Heavier

"You're not okay, are you?"

"I…."

"Liv?"

"I had the strangest…." blinking slowly, still a little drowsy Olivia found the words piece by piece, "… dreams."

"What'd you dream about, love?" asked Elliot, stroking at her arm as he slumped over the bed, spilling out of his chair in a bid to be as close as possible to her. "What did you dream about?"

"Everything."

"That's a big dream…." he laughed softly, wrapping his fingers around her wrist tightly when her face remained expressionless.

"My whole life, Elliot. I saw it all. So clearly, so vivid, like it was happening to me all over again. Right there and then, right now, I feel it all." Swallowing slowly she attempted to bring moisture back to the desert of her mouth, and she ran her tongue around her cracked lips. Her throat felt hoarse, and her words rasped, "Fragments, moments in time…." sliding her eyes left she dared to meet his, blinking steadily and confiding, "… every time I close my eyes I see darkness."

"Liv…."

"Old cases, old faces, old pain….." she murmured, her eyes glistening with tears as she stole her eyes back from his and focused on the ceiling. "I feel like something heavy, and sharp is sitting on my chest and I can't breathe…." staring blankly, her brown eyes wide and lost she confessed, "… no El, no you're right. I'm not okay."

* * *

"Are you fucking kidding me?" holding a wad of post that he had collected from the mailbox at the end of Texas' drive way Calvin stared at her stupefied with disbelief turning to rage.

"Cal! Hi!" gathering herself, like someone might gather a crumpled pile of laundry, arms and legs falling left and right, Texas rose from the sofa. "Hi…."

"Yeah….." he spat, eyes narrowing as he shook his head sadly, "… as a fucking kite, Tex."

"Don't be mad….." sitting upright she reached for her long hair, dragging it up into a topknot at the crown of her head and setting her eyes on him, "…. please, mijo?"

"What happened?"

"I lost my job."

"Huh….." he sighed, turning his back on her and busying himself tidying the kitchen. Puzzling at the random objects hidden amid days old dirty pots and pans he felt suddenly both young again, and so, so old.

"He won't let me see her, Calvin." She was high, he'd known it the second he'd walked through the door, but she was still perfectly lucid. She'd always had that grim ability, not something he had ever possessed. If he was as loaded as he suspected she was right now he would not be having an intelligible conversation.

"Leni?" he needn't ask, but it hurt him to see her hurting the way she so obviously was and so he was eager to offer small mercies. "Why? What happened?"

"How'd you mean?" she was buying time and they both knew it, but to him she was a well-thumbed book and he knew how to cut straight to the plot points.

"Chicken or egg, Texas?" he said bluntly, his voice sharp at the edges. "Did Gil stop you seeing Leni because you were in this state, or did he stop you seeing her and that's _why_ you're in this state?"

"She's my daughter, Cal. She's my little girl and she needs me and I need her. He just kept making it harder and harder and I couldn't do the times he set. It was that or nothing so I skipped out on work and they wouldn't listen when I tried to explain. I took some extra shifts to try and make up for it but I got so tired and confused and somewhere in all of it I just…."

"Okay, okay slow down, take a beat." Throwing dishes in the sink and rinsing them Calvin looked over his shoulder, "Did you try to talk to him? Gil? I mean the guy isn't a monster right? You two were together for a long time and your Leni's mother."

"No, no I didn't speak with him, mijo. I just gave up on my child at the first hurdle and immediately got back on the junk."

"You're not funny."

"And neither are you Calvin. Don't patronise me, don't talk to me like I'm stupid. Of course I talked to him but it's like a switch flipped. Like everything we had, everything he saw in me then is gone. I jumped through every hoop, every single fucking hoop and he just makes it harder each time. Higher hoop, smaller hoop, hoop of God damn flames!"

"So keep jumping, keep fucking jumping Texas…." slamming down a mug on the table so full of thick black coffee it sloshed out the sides Calvin pushed, "… do it for Leni."

"I'm trying…."

"Not hard enough, babe. When you're loaded at 11am? Try harder. We've been here before a million times but this is different. The stakes are higher than you even realise right now. You're changing her, every second you walk on this road you are **hurting** your daughter Texas."

"I am **never** like this in front of her, how dare you!"

"Not now you're not, but that's how it starts right? That's the tipping point and you might not have gotten there yet but you keep this up and you will. I know you know that. I know it, right? I love you Texas Mendoza. I love you so much and in ways you can't even comprehend but I am so fucking pissed at you right now."

"I know, I know and I'm sorry! I am so sorry, mijo!"

"Don't be sorry, Boots…." hearing him call her that, hearing the warmth and faith trickling back into his voice the light came back in Texas' eyes, "… be better."

"I will."

"Focus on what you've got. Think about what you've got to lose. Remember all the times that we said we would _never_ do this to our kids, right? Remember all the things we saw, remember all the things we felt. You know Livia is in the hospital fighting for her life right now and you are throwing yours away with both hands? "

"I'm sorry, and I do remember, I….."

"Be Leni's mother Texas….." grabbing his phone and keys from the counter Calvin met her eyes as he headed for the door, "… not mine."

* * *

"Mom isn't right, is she?"

"Son she's been through a lot, a huge operation under heavy anaesthetic. I think it's totally normal that it would take a person a little while to get right again. We're doing all we can, right? We're being there for her, giving her time and space, making sure she's comfortable and…."

"Are you trying convince _me_ , Dad? Or?" the question hung in the air as Elliot looked to Sam, and his son looked back at him.

"I think that this has all maybe affected her in a way maybe we didn't see coming is all."

"It's not physical, is it?"

"I don't think so."

"I think I get it. Maybe not, but I might do. I mean they're telling her she's okay, right? They're saying the operation was a huge success, the kidney has taken, her body isn't rejecting and she'll make a full recovery. All the signs are pointing to everything being completely fine and back to normal soon enough."

"Yeah, yeah they are."

"Apart from she's not right."

"Apart from she's not right…." echoed Elliot. For the first time he was choosing to see his son as a man, a strong man, an equal. Someone on whom he could learn in what was becoming an hour of increasing need. "I sure as hell wish Peter Lindstrom was still alive, she'd talk to him. He'd know how to fix this."

"You sure he's not?" it seemed a stupid question, inane even, but Sam was desperate too. There was something quite terrifying about seeing his mother this way, so lost and empty seeming.

"I spoke with his daughter; it was a heart attack a long time ago."

"Damn it."

"There is one person I've thought about….."

"Yeah?" asked Sam, when Elliot trailed off indefinitely. It was as though his father was somewhere else suddenly, somewhere far away.

"I haven't spoken to him in years, couldn't even tell you if he's still in New York. I guess he'd be older now, like we all are. George Huang, he knows your Mom, and he might be able to help…." shrugging his shoulders, tired but not defeated, Elliot smiled, "… and anything that does that is worth a shot, right?"

"You want me to call him?" asked Sam, fingering the rubber of his wheelchair tyres anxiously. "I don't mind?"

"No, no son that's kind but…." gathering himself up off the chair Elliot forced a tight smile, "… it's okay. I'll do it. I'm gonna have a word with Fin first."

"He's here I just saw him. He took Evie for a walk…." lowering his eyes Sam added sadly, "… she needed one: badly."

"You can do one thing for me though Sammy?"

"Anything?"

"Watch your sister….." clenching his jaw Elliot felt physical pain as he admitted, "… some of things your mom is saying right now, some of this stuff she's going through…."

"Yeah, yeah I get it. Not good for Vee to hear."

"Sam I don't know how much you know about some of the things that've happened to your mother on the job over the years…."

"Probably about as much as I want to…." said Sam slowly, carefully, as though he had already considered it previously.

"Okay, okay understood….." replied Elliot understandingly, but added quietly, "… let me know if you need to talk? Any time, any place, everything gets dropped and we sit down: just you and I, and we talk it out."

"Thanks Dad, same goes for you."

* * *

"I wish you would talk to me Mom. Please try?"

"I'm here Evie, don't worry. I'm okay."

"I brought the babies, they're here….." said Eve, fighting desperately to keep the tremor from her voice. "Here, see? Livia who's this? Is it your Grandma? Is it Grams, baby, say hi…." lifting her daughters small, chubby palm and laying it on top of Olivia's she patted it up and down hopefully.

"Hi sweetheart…." came the quiet, almost sighing response as Olivia managed a weak smile at the baby. Livia's thoughtful little expression puzzled, her eyes lingering on the grandmother who had once held such life and now showed so little interest in her.

" _My old partner he'd know what to do. He wouldn't question himself after what you've done. He would kick your teeth in, break your legs, break your arms, break your back, break your face."_

"Mom?"

"What?"

"You okay?"

"Fine….."

"CJ is right here too he's just napping a little so….." clearing her throat and adjusting Livia's position in her lap Eve took a deep, steadying breath, "… anyways it's nice out today. A little sun and it's warmer than it has been. I can't wait till you're allowed to just go outside for a half hour or so, I think it'd make you feel tonnes better."

" _Pull the trigger, Olivia. Or I will. Do it now! They're coming!"_

"Mom!"

"Oh!"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you jump….."

"You didn't!" lied Olivia, swallowing hard and focusing all her attention on a spot on the wall just above Eve's head. Concentrating, hard, she battled to bring her heartrate back down and stop the spinning in her head.

"Oh Mom…." whispered Eve, shaking her head sadly and pinning Livia down with one arm and reaching her free hand to Olivia's. "You're really struggling, aren't you?"

"I'm fine…." but Eve knew that glassy eyed expression, recognised that robotic answer and blank delivery.

How could Olivia tell her daughter that she could feel the metal of the gun she'd held to her head at Lewis' behest? How could she explain the hot white hatred in William Lewis' eyes as he'd slathered and spat his words at her in court? How could she explain to any of them the scenes that played on repeat in her crowded, cluttered, deafening mind?

"Eve will you do something for me, baby girl?"

"Anything!" said Eve quickly, shifting forward in her seat and flashing a bright smile. "What is it?"

"I'm really tired, my love…" said Olivia, warm, kind, but still so painfully faraway, "…. would you mind if I just got some rest now? Would that be okay?"

"Yeah, yeah of course….."

"Thank you."

"Mom?"

"Evie Grace?" breezed Olivia, almost too convincingly for her daughter to bear.

"I don't know what's going on and I might not be who you need to talk to, who you need to…." biting so hard on her lip Eve drew blood, but didn't notice, as she begged, "… just don't step off okay? Promise me?"

"I…."

"I've been there, remember?" clutching her daughter, pressing a kiss against Livia's sweet smelling hair Eve choked. "I know how dark it is. I know you hear him, see him, _feel_ him."

"Eve don't…."

"Don't you!" cried Eve, shaking her head rapidly from side to side. "Don't **you** Mom. I'm begging you? I know how close to the edge you are. I see it in your eyes and it terrifies me. I know you know more than I ever will about trauma and triggers and the PTSD that we _both_ know is **crippling** you right now…."

"I'm fine, baby, I…."

"You're lying and….. I can't, I'm sorry….. I'm sorry…" wedging Livia on her hip Eve grabbed for the door, thrust CJ and the buggy out of it and wheeled it at pace down the corridor.


	8. I Have Seen The Dark Side Too

" _Testing, testing._

 _This is William Lewis here._

 _I'm here with Detective Benson._

 _We're playing a little game of Russian Roulette._

 _We're halfway through._

 _I'm sliding the gun across the table to Detective Benson._

 _There's three chambers left and one bullet._

 _Pick it up…."_

"You weren't there Elliot, you don't know."

"No, no I wasn't there."

"I'm sorry."

"No, no I don't think you are but I'm not really sure what to do about it. You're punishing me, still, even now. All those years that I was gone, everything I missed, all the times I wasn't there. I don't know that I can ever atone for that in your eyes. I don't know how many more ways or how many more times I can apologise. It won't ever be enough, will it?"

"Wow."

"Too much?" he swallowed, deliberately staring at his wife. He hadn't meant to be so harsh but it seemed so futile, to be fated to spend the rest of his life redressing something he had no power to change now. He just wanted to be there for her in the present, in the future, to be forgiven and to protect and to care for her now in all the ways he hadn't then.

The doctors and nurses were worried, dancing in circles. Eve, Sam, Calvin they were all pandering, loving her, pouring upon her all the care and patience and affection they had. They thought she was fragile, broken, they were afraid she would let go of the rope. He knew better. She wasn't so very fragile, even now. He trusted that. He trusted her, and he had to believe that despite everything she trusted him. He had to be the one person who could go where no one else could.

"I should be the one who's saying sorry El. Truly. That was unkind of me and I didn't mean it."

"Maybe you did, maybe you're right. Just don't for a second think that I will ever come close to forgiving myself. Don't ever doubt that the punishment of hearing second hand what William Lewis did to you isn't torture beyond anything you can inflict."

"I mentioned you, to him."

"Yeah?"

"You'd been gone a long time, it would still be another year or so before you showed back up. It was long enough for me to convince myself that I'd gotten over you. Almost, almost convince myself. I told him you'd have brained him."

"You weren't wrong."

"I know."

"If I'd have been on the job with you? If I'd have been your partner _either_ time he came for you then….." what Elliot didn't say in words, but conveyed with piercingly fierce blue eyes was that Lewis would not have had opportunity to pull the trigger and take his own life. Elliot would have ended him, and it would not have been a gentle demise.

"I put it in a box. It happened, for a while I sought help, and then I moved on. It sat in a box on a shelf for a long, long time and it was fine. I was fine. I don't know who or what opened that box, and I don't know how to pack it all back inside now. There's too much. I can hear him, I can see him, and I can smell him. I can feel his hands on me and it is somewhere between ice and burning and….."

"Hey?" he interjected, snapping her back to the present, to their truest reality before she spiralled in her own thoughts. Shuffling closer to her as she sat propped up in her hospital bed he grabbed for her hand, "Don't do that, don't let it run away with you…."

"El?"

"That's me…." he smiled, so warm and familiar, so gentle now in his old age. He had always been gentle to her, which was one of the things that had first attracted her to him so powerfully, so passionately. He was wild, feral almost at times, but when it was just the two of them, when he was around her he was soft. A raging storm, a crashing flood that fell away to a quiet lapping tide in her presence.

"You think you can get out of that chair?"

"I mean I….."

"I don't know the answer to any of their questions and I sure as hell don't know what's going on in my own head but ….." stroking her fingertips along his knuckles Olivia swallowed quietly, "… but I do know that I need you, and I want you just hold me so badly so…."

"Here, here, hold me steady can you?" he asked, knowing she was in a delicate condition after surgery, but trusting she had enough strength to steady him as he gathered himself to his feet.

"Like that? You okay?"

"Fine, fine I got this, just let me find the brake, there….." locking the chair into a solid, stationary position with his heel Elliot found his balance. Taking a moment to catch his breath he met her eyes, holding a gaze so intense, so deeply and unconditionally loving it stole both of their breath.

"What in the hell happened to us, Stabler?" she couldn't help but laugh, and it felt good. Cathartic beyond believe to remember the healing powers of a laugh, even if it did tug at her abdomen.

"We got old Benson, that's what happened….." he chuckled gruffly, winching himself up onto the bed, bracing himself with both hands and landing a little more heavily than he had intended beside her. "Damn it! Damn, damn did I get you? Did I hurt you?"

"No, no not at all…." she lied, because he was so beautiful in that moment to her and as he wrapped his arms around her and tucked her into his chest she felt safe again.

"You're lying….." he whispered, his breath warm against her ear as he pressed a tender kiss on the nape of her neck, "… but you're okay, right? You're alright?"

"I'm alright…." she echoed, and feeling her clutching at his arms as they coiled around her waist he felt for the first time since she'd come out of surgery that she was telling the truth. "Hey El?"

"Yeah?" he asked, as they lay together in the quiet.

"Don't let go, okay?"

"Never."

* * *

"What about you? You went to see Texas, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, no, let's not go there."

"Crap, not good news either?"

"I don't really wanna talk about it. You just need to focus on your mom right now and…"

"I am, I really am but I'm worried about Texas too. I know she's not in a great place right now and…."

"Evie she's fucked up and I just made it a billion times worth."

"Oh…"

"I'm sorry, for the f-bomb. I'm sorry."

"She's using again isn't she?" it was not, sadly, a terrible shock or surprise to Eve. She had suspected it was coming the past several times she had seen Texas, that the move from alcohol to something more was possible. It was confirmed now by the sadness in Calvin's eyes. "Oh babe, I don't know what to say."

"She'll lose Leni…." he sighed, a break in his voice. Calvin loved the little girl like she was his own, and the same intensity of sentiment and protective desire was felt throughout the entire Stabler family. Elena Amaro was funny, smart, and she had her mother's grace and quiet resilience to the world.

"If she doesn't straighten herself out and straight herself fast she will **lose** that little girl."

"So we'll help her."

"I know, I know that, but I'm pissed Evie. I am so fucking angry at her and I said things, things that I'm not proud of, things that I didn't really mean. Actually maybe I did mean them, but she wasn't ready to hear them. She didn't deserve the way I threw them at her."

"You love her, Calvin. You love her so much, so deeply. It used to make me jealous, honestly. How close the two of you are, how badly you need each other. Don't lose that, hold onto it, now more than ever. Tell her! Talk to her and tell her how much you care, how much you love her and desperately want and need her to be okay. I think she really needs to hear that right now."

"Yeah, yeah you're right. I'm so stupid, I just lost it. I freaked out, panicked, when I saw her, and I just…."

"You know you once told me that every good thing about your childhood, every happy memory was because of her."

"Huh…." he laughed sadly, moving his head to a steady nod of acknowledgement.

"She's part of you Cal. She's part of who you are and she's fought for you so many times. She's had your back, right?"

"Every single fucking time."

"I know you're scared, babe. I get that, and I get that it's crazy hard for you to see her lost and using again but you gotta show up. She's shown up for you every single time you've needed it since you were a little boy."

"For my Mom too."

"You gotta show up for her now…." said Eve softly, her eyes wide and loving, "…and I'll be right there with you."

"You know hearing you talk it's kinda funny, kinda beautiful…." he didn't use words like that, and it touched her soul as his eyes looked straight through her, "…. you are _just_ like her."

"Who?" but Eve knew exactly who he meant; it was etched in every muscle of his face. They were the women in his life, the loves of his life. Texas his first love, Evie his last love, and Olivia who had taught him how to love: unconditionally, without judgement or reserve.

"Promise me it'll always be this way?"

"What way?" she asked, stroking her fingertips lightly along his jawline.

"You and me, figuring shit out."

"Don't say shit."

"You're everything to me Eve….." taking back his arms he reached both hands to her face, squishing at her cheeks and pressing a kiss against her forehead and then square on the lips, "… and I just love you more every single day."

"Oh babe…."

"And the nuggets, they're pretty awesome too."

"They really are."

"Let's go back inside to your mom?"

"Five more minutes, she's with Dad. I want to leave them alone a little longer."

"Yeah, yeah of course."

"Cal?"

"Yeah?"

"If you gave up on me? If you walked away and then you wouldn't let me see my child…." her voice catching she narrowed her eyes, locking her jaw defiantly she found a smile of resilience and love, "… well I just can't imagine what I'd do."

"You got it in spades, baby."

"Got what?"

"Feelings, other peoples' feelings, you get in there, you get your hands dirty, you feel what they feel. I don't think that's common. Livia has it, always has. You should do something with it. You see the good in people, even people who do a really fucking good job at hiding it."

* * *

"You look like hell."

"So do you."

"Hey!" finding a smile, a laugh even Olivia rolled her eyes. "How's it going?"

"I think you'll find that's my line…." said Calvin, dragging a plastic chair across the room and slumping down into it beside Olivia's bed. "They letting you out of this pit anytime soon? It smells like old people and piss."

"I wouldn't let the nurses year you say that, they're quite particular about their ward."

"You want anything?" he was so direct, so straight forward in his loving of her that Olivia felt at ease in an otherwise complicated world. "They do this weird pudding in that cafeteria down the hall. I had one. It was brown and it wobbled, but it kind of tasted great. I can get you one?"

"You _have_ really sold it to me but you know what I think I'll pass."

"I mean it's your loss but…."

"What've they told you?" asked Olivia, because she could read him like a well-thumbed book. Whether he knew it or not he had the worst poker face she had ever known, and even without her years of detective training his expression bled empathy and recognition.

"Nothing."

"Liar."

"That you're head's a little fucked up since surgery?" he offered, and though initially her eyes widened she didn't flinch. She trusted him. In a lot of ways it was profoundly helpful that she didn't have to start the conversation. For all the times she saw him as just a little boy she also knew that he had seen darkness beyond which any of them could comprehend. "Sorry, I should've probably dressed that up a little, huh?"

"No, no you said it just right actually."

After that they were quiet for a while, just sitting together. Calvin rocked back and forth on the tipped legs of his chair and Olivia picked at the hem of her hospital gown. Neither felt like talking, but it was a comfortable silence.

"Can I ask you a question Cal?"

"Sure, sure fire away."

"How'd you do it?" she said simply. "I mean I know you'd rather poke out your own eyes than sit down and talk to a professional. I'm assuming it wasn't professional therapy that helped you get through it all. You've been a part of moments that no one should have to witness. You've seen things and experienced things no one should have to, and you were _so little_ for some of it. How did you…."

"I drank heavily."

"Calvin!" she scolded, tossing her eyes as he flashed her a mischievous smirk. Then his face fell, however, and he wasn't joking any more.

"Smoked a lot, slept around, got high. Did a bunch of other stuff I'm not proud of and I'm not sure it'll help to tell you about now I'm married to your daughter."

"I think we're past…."

"Tex used to wake up screaming."

"Really?" swallowed Olivia nervously. "She was there with you? Right, right, I forget that sometimes."

"She used to sweat, have these nightmares and like really sweat it out and just lost all control. Wet herself, puked her guts up, she hated the junk, she hated it more than anything and she **hated** using. She used to say that she wanted to crawl out of her own skin sober, and getting wasted was the only thing that helped."

"She did?" it was a bold question, maybe the boldest Olivia had ever asked of him directly. "Or _you_ did?"

"I wanted to die."

"Oh sweetheart…."

"I'm not saying that for pity, to make you feel sad or bad for me. It's just kind of the answer to your question I guess. I hated myself. I was angry and lost and my head was loud, it was so fucking loud and I felt out of control. Not just sometimes, but all the time. I felt like I wasn't a person anymore I was just a jigsaw of shit that had happened to me. A bunch of tiny pieces held together, and only just. There was no glue and any second it could all just…. "

"Wow…." mouthed Olivia quietly. No judgement, no horror or recoil, just shock and admiration.

"I don't much believe in higher powers Livia. I don't have faith like Mr S. I don't have that same trust in people that Evie somehow still manages to have despite everything."

"What do you have?" asked Olivia with a smile, because she could see in his eyes that he had something. He had hope, and it was powerful.

"You."

"Me?"

"I have you, and Evie, and the nuggets. Sammy and Mr S, Fin and Melinda, Texas and Leni. I have my family. That's what counts. That's what you show up for, right? That's what you keep showing up for even when your head's fucked."

"You are a beautiful, beautiful soul Calvin Arliss."

"You're the glue, Livia, for all of us. I think maybe you just gotta let us be your glue too? You're still gonna have all the tiny pieces of crap to keep together. You still might wake up screaming but you're not on your own when you do, right?"

"Elliot thinks I need to talk to someone again. Work through the past, talk it over, process it, he thinks it'll help. Fin does too. They reckon more therapy would help me with the PTSD. What do you think?"

"Me?" he was surprised, and profoundly touched that she would ask for his opinion so openly. "Honestly?"

"I trust you implicitly to never give me anything but the truth, my love."

"Shove it in a box, a tiny box with a big ass lock and don't ever open it again! Hell no would I ever let someone shrink my head."

"I figured as much."

"That's just me though. I don't want to talk about my feelings. At least not those feelings. I don't want to tell a total stranger all my business and I don't want their opinion either. You should though, you're different than me. It helped Evie, right? She's so like you. I reckon Mr S is onto something."

"Can I tell you something?"

"Go for it."

"You are one of the best things that ever happened to me Calvin."

"Huh…." he smiled, deeply affected and not able to form any words.

"Don't you ever change, okay? You talk about our family being the glue for you but I don't think you realise just how much we need you too."

"I'm gonna go get us both a pudding, I'll be right back."

"I love you…." said Olivia, to his back as he walked back turned to her toward the door.

Keeping his back turned, keeping the tears of relief and the purest form of joy that she was alive and on the road to recovery hidden Calvin's voice rasped an echoed response.

"Love you too, Livia."

* * *

"Tex?"

"Door's open!"

"Oh hi there, well here's a great little Brucey bonus…. " smiled Calvin warmly, as Elena's face lit up to see him walk through her kitchen door, "… hi Leni Legs, how's it going?"

"Up! Up!" waving frantic arms Elena encouraged their favourite game. Her slight, doll like frame flying through the air before floating back down into Calvin's waiting arms, her never once doubting that he would catch her.

"Maybe later Legs, first I'm gonna talk to your mama if that's cool?"

"Coffee?"

"A vat of it would be awesome….." nodded Calvin, not hesitating a moment further before grabbing for Texas' wrist and holding her still a moment. "But first I owe you an apology, Tex. I was a dick yesterday. Totally, and completely, and I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"No, no it wasn't. Not even close. I know what you're going through remember? I've been there. You, me, and Mom and I forgot that for a second. I got angry and scared and frustrated and I messed up. I was mean and I'm sorry."

"Hey?" she said quietly, waiting for his eyes on hers before holding out both arms expectantly. "Come here?"

"I love you Tex….." he sighed with relief, hugging her close into him and squeezing tight, "….more than you know."

"I love you too, mijo."

"Apology accepted?" he asked, open, candid, the way they had always been and must always remain.

"I apologise too, for what you saw. That was not the welcome home I had intended, you caught me off guard."

"You wanna talk about it?" he asked gently, pulling up a chair at the table and giving Leni some much deserved attention after her patient wait. Poking around in the bowl of fruit she was munching on to help her find her favourite pieces he smiled, this was good, this was right, this was a mother and daughter hanging out and having fun. He felt relieved, hopeful again.

"Honestly? Not really, but I probably should."

"Yeah, well, I'm here. Those things I said were way off, and this situation is fucked up. I know how hard it is Tex, please believe that?" he smiled at her, sad but still hopeful. "You're amazing with Leni and I don't know why they're doing this to you but it's not right. It's just not right."

"I'm scared, mijo…." she said quietly, and it was such a loaded statement. He felt it, in his bones, and it ached. Getting back up from his chair he just walked the kitchen, grabbed her shoulders and pulled her back into his arms. Pressing a kiss against her hair and sighing.

"I'm here, Boots….." pulling a comical face at Leni over her shoulder Calvin said assertively, "… always."


	9. To Light The Shadows On Your Face

"I know you're worried about her but it's gonna be okay, I spoke with her. I think she's fighting through it you know?"

"She talks to you…." said Eve quietly, and then with a warm smile nodded, "… that's good. It makes me feel better."

"She talks to you too right?" asked Calvin, a little surprised at how sad Eve suddenly seemed. "You and your Mom are tight, as a drum?"

"Yeah, yeah of course we are…." nodding quickly, her ponytail still holding the bounce that her spirit seemed to have lost lately. "I'm just really glad she's doing better, and now planning on talking to this George Huang guy as well. It all sounds positive."

"Evie…" it made him sad to see her pull lace curtails across. That wasn't them, at least it never had be. "It's okay, you know? If all this has kind of thrown you off a little or…."

"No! No I'm fine, honestly! The most important thing right now is getting Mom well again, and Dad too. I just want them to be back the way they used to be. Sam has his big trip coming up and it really is just his big moment, you know? Sam's spent so long in the shadows and for the first time since he was a little kid he really seems, I dunno, like he's finally comfortable. Confident, even?"

"Yeah, yeah it's good to see."

"Eve I know a lot is changing, it is, and it's kinda scary. I've only got 5 more months to serve and then we're done, we're out, it's NYC all the way baby."

"I can't wait!" she smiled, wandering over to Calvin and giving him a reassuring hug of encouragement. "It'll be so good to have you around full time. I miss you so much when you're gone."

"I miss you too…." he murmured, kissing her neck, her cheek, and then finally pressing a lingering kiss on lightly pursed lips. "You sure you're okay?"

"I'm making lists!" she chirruped, though he noted that this wasn't quite a straight answer. "I think our main priority just really needs to be to find a place to live. We're gonna be tripping all over each other if we stay here at my parents for too long. I feel like they need their space right now with everything going on, right?"

"Yeah, yeah definitely. We'll look into it, see what we can afford."

"I can take care of some initial research, find us some good options." Making a memo on her phone Eve seemed to relax a little from her earlier state of agitation. "It'll keep me busy, I like projects."

"Yeah, yeah you do love a good project…." he smiled, busying himself with unloading the dishwasher.

Was this marriage? He found himself asking quietly. This strange weight dragging; this thickness surrounding him. He loved Eve, more than anything, he wanted to love and protect her the way she deserved, the way he had vowed too. He didn't deserve her, he knew that, and he was forever trying to prove himself. What was going on? Why did something small, but tangible, feel so strange, so off. Maybe it was the transition to civilian life beginning, maybe it was the emotional fall out of Olivia's operation and everything else building up. He gave up the mental thread, exhausted, never having been any good at analysing the minutiae of human emotions and relationships.

* * *

"Something has changed Fin."

"A hell of a lot has changed, cheekbones. Which bit in particular is bothering you?" asked Odafin Tutuola. He was too heavy for his frame these days, and Olivia noticed it more now having tread so closely to the wrong side of ill health herself. His face had fallen, but his eyes were still profoundly kind and she loved him deeply.

"Elliot never changes."

"More's the pity."

"Fin!"

"I'm playin'….." he smirked, though they both knew that it was the worst kept secret in history that Fin had never and would never believe Elliot worthy of his best friend, "… please, continue."

"I love that about him. I love all of him, obviously. He's just concrete, he's solid; and he makes me feel safe in a way that I never thought I would. Even after everything that's happened, even on my worst days, when I'm spinning a thousand feet of the ground he's the gravity that pulls me back in. I probably don't tell him that often enough."

"Okay, okay I can give him that. He's not perfect, but he's consistently flawed at least."

"You're so hard on him."

"It's fond, at this point, the teasing. Like I say he's not perfect. Elliot Stabler is not a perfect man, but I'm not fool enough to pretend he's not perfect for you Liv. You keep his ego and asshole in check, and he's your rock. I see that, I'm not blind. Your head is one dark, dark space and somehow that buffoon is right there, at your side, every time: to let the light back in."

"I've never heard you talk like that about Elliot before."

"I'm getting old, soft maybe. I guess maybe you're not the only one who's done a little reckoning lately. I think I'm getting ready to let go of everything I've held against Stabler all these years. I mean show me a man who hasn't made mistakes, right? I guess I'm tired of kicking someone who honestly…." it was a pivotal moment, a poignant one, and it brought tears to Olivia's eyes, "… I really kinda just admire at this point; and who I'm grateful to."

"Wow."

"Oh shut up! Stop that, stop that right now, and you _dare_ tell him I said any of that."

"You're secret is safe with me." Grinning from ear to ear Olivia realised it had taken her several decades, but finally she had reconciled the two men in her life.

"So it ain't Stabler that's changed…." bringing the conversation back to base camp before he caught himself getting equally moved, Fin shrugged, "… what's up?"

"Nothing, not really I don't think. I mean Cal and Evie are moving home. Sam is excited for his travels. I'm gonna sit with Huang and try get my own self back in check. Health wise, knock on wood, everything is going just exactly as it should and I'm getting stronger by the day."

"So what's got you spooked?"

"Nothing, nothing I…."

"Liv?" he pushed, seeing the striking sadness in her expression. "What's going on?"

"I can't connect with Evie the way I used to."

"Baby girl has always been a complicated little…."

"But we're always been close Fin, **always**. Lately I don't know, it's like I can get so far, I can get almost all the way in and then it's gone. I don't know what's changed. I can't tell if it's her being away so long, whether we've just gradually drifted? If it's me having the transplant and how I was after it, and that's completely possible but…"

"She was there though right, the whole time?"

"Oh yes! The whole time! That isn't it. She's doing all the same things, nothing has changed per se but….." drifting off she took a moment, just sitting in his comfortable presence to decide what it was she wanted to say.

"You feel it with Sammy? Cal?"

"Sammy and I have always had a different relationship than I have with her…." eyes misting lightly Olivia added under her breath, "… had with her."

"I guess that makes sense."

"Sam and I are great, closer than ever. I think for so long I was just so protective of him, so careful of him because of everything we'd been through. I mean right from the start I was fighting to hang onto that boy, we came so close to losing him more than once right from when he was a tiny baby."

"Jesus is that ever true."

"Calvin is just….." they both smiled as she rolled her eyes, "… Calvin, right?"

"Right…." nodded Fin fondly.

"He might be like a son to me in a lot of ways, but somehow we've wound up as more than that. He gets me, Fin. I don't know why or how, but that boy and I are bound by something that I can't pretend to explain or even begin to understand."

"You think Eve sees that? You think she feels it?"

"It's no different now than it's ever been, so I'm not sure why it would make any difference."

"True, true that's a fair point."

"When she was little it was easy, she was my child, my baby girl and that was how we played it. We had fun, sure, but she was growing under my watch. Then as she got older we always just seemed so similar, there was never this friction. We thought the same, saw things the same; we felt the same way about everything. I felt completely connected to her."

"And now?"

"No I don't know, maybe it's nothing; maybe it's just the tiredness and the painkillers talking."

"Maybe?" he doubted, but could see that she wasn't ready to open up any further in that moment. So he left it, breathing, open, the conversation not over but paused, for when she felt she could pick it back up again.

* * *

"You okay?"

"Since the last time you asked, 34 seconds ago?"

"Hey!"

"I'm sorry, you're very sweet…." smiled Olivia, and he cared even less than he usually did about her teasing. For Elliot there was nothing as miraculous as seeing his wife find her smile again, and he would walk with her every step of the way, even if he bordered on a little smothering at times.

"I finished off your list, everything taken care of. I made a friend for life at the centre."

"They mean well, they're fussy, sure, but they mean well."

"Like your husband, huh?" he smirked. Olivia volunteered her time at a women's refuge centre, and among many other things on the to-do list she had tasked Elliot with one job was visiting them and checking in.

"Was it Betty? She's so great."

"It actually was I think. Short blonde hair? Glasses?" when she nodded, positively identifying her friend and fellow volunteer he smiled. "Then it was Betty, for sure. They all miss you and send their love. I'm not entirely sure if they aren't a little lost without you there."

"They're doing just fine I'm sure of it. Did you take them those papers? The stuff from the cabinet at home?"

"Yeah, yeah all taken care of."

"I'm going to talk to Huang."

"What?" he asked, thrown momentarily by the sudden segue in conversation. Not letting his face slip, waiting to follow her lead he just held a gentle quiet.

"A lot of old ghosts are haunting me again and I think that you're right. I don't know that it'll work, whatever that even means. I just know that I want to move on, and I don't know how to do that. So I'm going to ask him to help me."

"You want me to do some digging? Find out where he's at these days?" offered Elliot, always most comfortable when able to offer a practical show of assistance. He wanted to jump for joy, he wanted to breathe a loaded sigh of relief, but he didn't want to put on any pressure and so he remained uncharacteristically calm.

"Fin already tracked him down. He's not so far away, just living in Boston these days. He's going to come meet with me starting next week."

"Oh, right, great, that's great news."

"Elliot?"

"What?"

"Stand down, solider."

"Marine."

"Not really the point of my…."

"A very clear and important difference, however, so I just…" he cracked a smile, she mirrored it, and they both fought a giggle.

"Take me home?"

"What?" he asked, a little startled at the sudden change in direction.

"I miss home, El. I miss us, our life. I know this isn't over, and I know I've got work to do with Huang. This isn't me brushing it under the carpet, this isn't me pretending I'm fine when I'm not. I just need some normality. I need you to _relax_ and stop fussing over me. I need food that doesn't come out of a compartmented tray. I need our couch, our kitchen, our bed…."

"Okay."

"I want to sit with you on our porch step with a cup of coffee putting the world to rights and just…." biting lightly on her bottom lip she reached for his forearm, squeezing her fingers around it and nodding with a smile, "… be us again."

"We'll talk to the doctors right now, figure out what hoops we gotta jump, what forms we gotta sign."

"I love you, Elliot…." she said, her brown eyes warm again, connected, present, and adoring.

"I love you too, Liv…." he nodded, a little chocked but refusing to show it as he leant forward and kissed her with a tenderness and a passion that had never faded.

* * *

"Is it okay if I come in?"

"Yeah, yeah sure of course…."

"It's been a while."

"It has."

"How are you feeling?" asked Nick, his arms held defensively across his chest as he stood back awkwardly at a distance from Olivia's chair. She sat in the corner of her hospital room, now only days from being allowed to go home, looking almost her old self again to the outside eye.

"Recovering fine, thanks. Heading home soon, but, look Nick I gotta ask….." she said quietly, but with that resonating weight that all Olivia's words carried, "… what are you doing here?"

"Honestly? I guess a part of me just missed an old friend. I've wanted to come since I heard you were sick. I hate that I heard it second hand. That was never us, right?"

"Last time I came that close to the other side it was you pulling me back."

"I…."

"I've missed you too, is what I'm trying to say."

Smiling warmly Olivia realised just how true the statement was. She had spoken to Fin at length about all the things that had changed, and one of those had been the strain under which her friendship with Nick Amaro had been put. She had never forgotten, however, nor would she ever forget, that he had saved her life the day the old precinct crumbled. She would never forget the closeness they had shared over the years, and all the times that their partnership and friendship had withstood prevailing winds.

"I guess we can't really avoid the elephant in the room."

"I've been wanting to talk to you again about all that. I'd planned to once I got out of this place."

"I know what you think. I know we're on opposing sides of this, and so we should be. We're both just looking out for our families and….."

"But that's what I don't get, Nick. That's the part I don't understand. Texas is your family too, she's the mother of your granddaughter and I just can't figure out when or why that stopped mattering to you."

"It hasn't, really, honestly it hasn't. Only you gotta remember Liv that I know what it does to a kid when they lose a parent and…."

"Leni hasn't lost Texas! She's right there! It's **you** that's keeping them apart!" sitting up in her chair, letting her blood pressure rise a little higher than was probably advisable Olivia fixed him with her famous withering stare. "If you'd convince Gil to back the hell off and let Texas be the mother she wants to be then we wouldn't even be having this conversation."

"I think that it's all a little more complicated than you're seeing, Liv."

"Nick?" she asked, because she knew this man. He was calm, considered, he had a temper but was a straight shooter and he was always honest with her.

"I get that I'm biased, he's my son and I want to protect him and I want to protect Elena. That doesn't meant that I don't care about Texas though, because I do and I always have. When they got together she became part of my family, and I couldn't feel more grateful or blessed for all the kinds of wonderful she has made Leni."

"Why do I feel like you're working up to a 'but' here?"

"She's complicated, Liv."

"Aren't we all?" shrugged Olivia, not seeing what point he was trying to make and knowing he was far from angelic himself. "Aren't we all a little complicated? We all have a past right, we've all done things we're not proud of."

"It's not the past that bothers me Olivia, if that's what it is and that's where it stays. Texas has done really well, don't get me wrong, she had come so far from where she was and I was leading the proud parade believe me. I can't even imagine what it was like for her when she was younger, and I've heard enough stories in passing from you and Calvin and Evie to know that I don't much want to. Only her past isn't done and gone, Liv. Things with her and Gil were rocking for a long time before they finally broke up and I'm not so sure how far into that she ever really was."

"That isn't fair, we can't judge that and it…."

"She's drinking again, and Gil's found pills on her."

"Okay, well, then it's clear she needs our help to…."

"I don't want to be on the opposite sides of this thing from you Olivia, but I see you fighting her corner and it kills me because I'm not sure you know Texas as well as you think you do. Any better than any of us, as it turns out. I'm not saying she's a bad person, really I'm not, I'm just saying that she isn't the person I want raising my granddaughter."

"She's her mother, Nick. She's not perfect and she needs our help to get back on the straight and narrow, yes, sure, but you can't just cut ties. You of _all people_ should know that people who have been through the kind of trauma and abuse that Tex has need support. They need help, Nick! Are you really going to just walk away? You didn't give up so easily on Maria!"

"Wow…." He mouthed, taking a step back, wide eyed and horrified. "Wow, well, that was low Liv. I didn't think you could be that cruel."

"I'm just saying that…"

"Texas is in regular contact with Johnny Arliss."

"No, no you're…."

"I came here to see how you were, as a friend. Only it's becoming increasingly clear that you're just as blind to this as I am just in the other direction. Johnny's been here, Liv. Right here in New York and she let him into that house while Leni was there."

"I…."

"So while I'm helping my son file for sole custody and supervised visits only, maybe you should be asking yourself how well you really know Texas Mendoza."


	10. Thick Skin And An Elastic Heart

"Can I come in?"

"Texas….." said Olivia, turning from where she was stood packing her bag at the side of her bed and feeling suddenly nervous, "… hi, yeah, of course."

"You sure?" pulling a face Texas lowered the flowers in her hand in concern. "If it's a bad time…"

"No, no not at all, come in, sit down."

"How are you?" the room seemed suddenly unbearably small as Texas perched on the visitor's chair and roamed the walls with her eyes. Something wasn't right, she had never known Olivia to be anything other than implicitly warm. "You're looking really well…"

"Texas you and I have known each other a good long while now, and we've been through some pretty tough situations together."

"Yes, yes and I…." suddenly without warning Texas' mind was filled with all the horrors of her life, a multi-coloured bruising spectrum of colour. Sophia's birth and subsequent adoption, losing Vivian, battling Johnny and everything in between.

"I'm going to ask you this once, and you're going to answer truthfully….." kind to a fault, compassionate and gentle there was still a fire in Olivia and she was still made of steel "…. how long have you been back in contact with Johnny Arliss? And what the hell were you thinking?"

"About two months….." said Texas quiet but unhesitant, "… and I don't really know."

"We had an agreement with him. We made him swear to stay in El Paso and never contact you or Sophia again. What happened?" setting down the pile of clothing in her hand so that she could give the situation her full attention Olivia turned to face Texas. "Why'd be suddenly break that agreement? Why now?"

"He didn't."

"What?"

"He didn't break his agreement, he kept his word. I called Sophia's new family and they've not heard from him once."

"So why is Nick Amaro telling me that he's seen Johnny here in New York? At the house with you and Leni?" puzzled, because she trusted Nick and his character enough to believe that he wouldn't have lied. Texas' face flushed with remorse but at the same time with that stubborn resilience that made her as beautiful as she was infuriating.

"Johnny didn't contact me, I called him. I called him and we talked, and then we talked again and we kept talking. I couldn't go there to visit him because I daren't leave New York and miss a visit with Leni so he came here to see me."

"I literally cannot believe the words I am hearing come out of your mouth…." said Olivia with a sad, disappointed quiet, "… it just makes no sense to me."

"I'm sorry."

"Are you?"

"You're disappointed, you're ashamed of my behaviour….." swallowed Texas painfully, realising for the first time in her life what it must be to hold a parent in such sacred regard that letting them down is heart breaking, "….and for that I am so, so very sorry Olivia."

"Forget me!" cried Olivia, wanting so dearly to be furious and indignant but still finding Texas strangely compelling even in her mistakes. "This isn't really about me, is it? I'm more concerned with what was going through your mind that made you think bringing Johnny back into your life was anything other than disastrous. Have you forgotten all the things he did? Have you forgotten that the last time he was in New York he left you bloody and bleeding on your kitchen floor?"

"No, no I haven't forgotten those things."

"Talk to me Texas?" entreated Olivia emphatically, "Please, sweetheart?"

"I was lonely. It's shameful, I know. I'm not proud of it and I haven't forgotten any of what he did. Of course not, I never will."

"You wanted to talk to him? You _wanted_ him to visit you?" she couldn't help but sound incredulous. Knowing what Johnny had been like, how he had treated Texas and the way he had hurt her. There was no part of Olivia that could imagine inviting any of the men who had hurt her back into her life.

"I know he's done bad things, he's a bad person. A rotten apple, is that what people say?" pausing a moment to compose herself Olivia could see the weight of the world crushing Texas. "It's confusing."

"You still care about him….." noted Olivia sadly, shaking her head slowly side to side, "… after everything he's done?"

"I needed someone to talk to, someone who would understand. Someone who's like me, if that makes sense? Leni wasn't supposed to be there, that wasn't planned. I didn't mean to bring her into it."

"Tex you can _always_ talk to me, you know that right?" said Olivia gently, thawing slightly from her initial reaction. "And what about Cal? You two are still close, right?"

"I don't want to drag him back down Olivia. You've seen him lately, how well he's doing. He's making something of his life and if I tried to talk to him about what's going on with me it'd just be exorcising old ghosts, and I don't want that. He lost his mother to drink and drugs and now I'm struggling to hold it together for Leni, it's so cruel to take him back there."

"I gotta tell you, sweetheart, that I'm pretty sure that Calvin would go back there a hundred thousand times over knowing that his cousin is back in your life."

"It's not the same as it was. I love him, truly, with my whole heart, but Cal has his own family now. I want to respect that."

"Oh sweetheart, oh you have no idea how I can't figure out whether to hit you or hug you."

"I seem to have that effect on people."

"Are you still seeing Johnny?"

"It wasn't like that. We just talked, he's a little different now, a lot different I guess. I'm not defending him, not really. Leopards and spots, right? It was just nice, to have someone who…."

"You really think Johnny Arliss cares?" doubted Olivia sceptically.

"I don't know, but it beats being alone."

"You realise that Gil and Nick knowing that Johnny is back in your life is going to make it a thousand times harder for us to fight your side of this. Nick is a cop, Texas. More than that he's a career detective and however subtle you think you've been he knows full well that you are neither clean nor sober at this point. Now you're adding association with a felony criminal to their ammunition pile?"

"I didn't come here to fight with you Olivia. I'm sorry, truly, and I know that you are right. I don't really know what you want me to say."

"I want to know what happened to your fight, sweetheart? What happened to that little girl being the most important thing in your life? How is it that you are doing _everything_ possible to fuel their case to take Leni away from you?"

"I have to go, I'm sorry….." setting the flowers down on the table at the foot of Olivia's hospital bed and added hurriedly as she left, "… and I'm so glad you're feeling better."

* * *

"You need a hand with that, kiddo?"

"I'm not really a 'kiddo' anymore Dad…." smiled Eve warmly, offering her father the other end of the sheet she was attempting to shake onto the bed, "… but a little help would be great, thanks."

"Everything alright?" never having been good at the heart to hearts, and always having left that area of expertise to Olivia he felt a little clumsy. "You seem quiet."

"I think I'm just a little tired. It's been a strange few weeks, right?" there were shadows under Eve's eyes and her usual shine had worn a little faded. "I'm so happy Mom's coming home though, that just makes everything better."

"It sure does, I think we're all agreed on that. You've been a real rock for her these past few weeks Mouse, you know that?"

"I think it's been a team effort…." though she had many fine qualities self-deprecation was not usually one of Eve's traits. He remembered her suddenly as a little girl, twirling around the living room as a toddler in a pink taffeta tutu and insisting they all watch.

"It's been pretty awesome having you back here. I've missed you…." it was an unusually emotionally giving moment from her father, and Eve was touched to see how deeply he felt his words, "… and the twins."

"I've missed you too Dad, more than you know."

"Evie?" taking a seat on the bed, still a little slow moving after his surgery Elliot patted lightly at the space beside him. "Sit with me a minute, will you?"

"Sure, sure, what's up?"

"Actually, that was gonna be my line…." his blue eyes were kind, worried about her, she saw that as she met his gaze.

"How'd you mean?"

"I'm not very good at this. We're very definitely in your mom's territory right now but I know she's a little preoccupied and…."

"Dad?"

"Something's different Evie Grace…." reaching out a rough, ageing hand to his daughter's face Elliot spoke with a gruff apprehension, "… you're not yourself lately and I'm worried about you."

"I'm fine!"

"Okay, okay, if you don't wanna…."

"You won't say anything?" swallowed Eve hesitantly, catching his eyes again and testing their trust. Of her two parents he had never been the one she had gravitated to in these moments, but she felt suddenly close to him and it was a sanctuary in what was seeming an otherwise confusing world. "I don't want to worry Mom and Calvin has so much going on right now it isn't fair to…"

"I won't keep secrets, Evie, not from your mom. So we can talk, **of course** , we can talk….." he hated saying it, he hated anything that put up a barrier but he had to be true to himself and to Olivia, "… but please don't put me between the two of you? Either you and your mother, or you and your husband for the matter."

"I'm lost, Daddy….." the tears caught in her throat as a stifled sob, and she turned away quickly, covering her face with her hands.

"Oh baby girl…." exhaling heavily, distraught, Elliot grabbed for her and drew her tight into his chest. Pinning her there as she sobbed and hiccoughed for several long minutes.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to, well, oh God…."

"Evie?" he said, because all other words failed.

"I had it all too easy, Dad."

"How'd you mean?"

"I was so shiny, so fucking shiny."

"Don't say fuck."

"You sound like Cal!" smiling through her tears Eve was beautiful to her father, even in her darkness. "I had it all, didn't I? Cheer squad, 4.0 GPA, friends, boys, it came really easy. I hate that I'm saying that, it sounds horrible. I just didn't realise it. Even at Brown, even through college. I had you guys, the most supportive parents in the world. I was freakin' Valedictorian for Christ's sake."

"You were a kid then, honey. I wouldn't say your adult life has been so shiny, huh? You worked your ass off to get that job in San Francisco and then…."

"I was raped."

"The life you have built, rebuilt maybe, with Calvin is incredible Eve. I know it's been hard, I know just _how_ hard believe me because I've been there remember? I've been that rookie recruit dragging his young wife and kid into a world that they didn't ask for and they can't understand."

"Right, right you and Cathy…." smearing tears from under her eyes Eve felt profoundly thankful for her father in that moment. How gruff yet tender he was, how willing he was to own his mistakes and to share his experiences both good and bad.

"It wasn't easy, far from it. Maureen came young and she came fast and our heads were spinning for a long time. Cathy hated military life, every second of it. She felt trapped and burdened and alone the whole time. Ask her, she'll tell you, she'll pour it on in spades."

"I don't hate my life. It's a good life and I am so thankful for it. Calvin has worked _so hard_ to get where he is and I am so proud of him. He's the strongest person I know. I can't imagine the places he's been and the things he's seen but he's still so gentle and kind, he's funny and light, even when everything else is falling apart. I love him, truly, and I'll do anything for him."

"And is that what you're doing?"

"No, no not at all, we chose that life. We've made every decision together, both of us, we're a team."

"So what is it? What aren't you saying?"

"I feel like, like something's missing…." shaking her head, hating how she sounded Eve sighed. "It's stupid, selfish and bratty I know. I hate that I feel this way but I just feel sad, confused, lost I guess. It's fine, day to day. I love Calvin and I'll support him one hundred percent in whatever he chooses to do next. I love being a mother, the twins are incredible and I want to raise them as wonderfully as you and Mom raised Sammy and me."

"And what about you, honey?"

"What about me?" shrugged Eve lightly, not really sure how to answer otherwise.

"Where are you in all of this?"

"It's funny, I was just looking at that picture…." gesturing over to the sideboard where a picture stood of Eve, in her graduation cap and gown at Brown, flanked by a beaming Elliot and Olivia, "… I don't even recognised that girl."

"Oh Evie…."

"And I miss her."

* * *

"You okay?"

"I bet you're thrilled you got this task…."

"Are you kidding? Being the royal escort..." smiled Calvin, his arm tucked tightly around Olivia's waist to support her body weight as they moved slowly across the hospital car park. "You'll tell me if we're going too fast? If it hurts at all?"

"Sweetheart I'm fine, at this point you're my hero for busting me out of what had become somewhat akin to prison!"

"Are we in?" he asked, lowering her into the driver's seat of Elliot's car and hoping she was comfortable. "You good?"

"All set, let's go home."

"Roger that, Captain!" he grinned, slamming her door and moving around to the driver's side. "You need to pick anything up on the way, or?"

"No, no but I did want to talk to you about a couple of things before we get back. While I've got you alone."

"Sounds serious? Everything alright?"

"Fine, yeah, absolutely. I guess first off I've just been wondering, well, I suppose…." having rehearsed so many times how she would weigh into this conversation Olivia now suddenly found herself stammering, "… what I'm trying to ask is: you and Texas, tell me about that?"

"What about us?"

"I know you're friends, good friends. I know that the two of you are close. I suppose what I'm asking you is, well, in the past…." she wasn't sure she could ask this, but trusting him, trusting what they had built between them over the years she added quietly, "… how close were you?"

" _I'm not taking that job, Boots."_

" _You should though. It's good money, stability, it gets you the hell out of this place. You're going to hell in a handbasket if you stay here, same way me and Johnny already did."_

" _Would you come with me?" asked Calvin, his teenage face catching the moonlight as he took a slow sip from his beer bottle._

" _What? No, you crazy! What in God's name would I do, ride shotgun? I don't think they hire long haul truckers and their sidekicks, mijo."_

" _Then I'm not going. I'm not going anywhere without you and I don't care what you say. I know you don't want me to go either. We don't work apart, remember?" flopping down onto the battered couch Texas grabbed at thick handfuls of her long black hair and dragged it into a loose bun at the crown of her head._

" _I just want a good life for you, that's all."_

" _I have a good life….." swallowing slowly Calvin did what he had sworn to his cousin he would never do, reaching out a hand, as unsteady as it had ever been he lay it lightly on Texas' deeply tan thigh, "… I got you."_

" _Calvin…."_

" _I know, I know, believe me."_

" _I belong to Johnny."_

" _Fuck off!" he snapped, delicacy tossed aside as he slammed his beer down on the floor and grabbed for both her wrists. "That's bull, Texas. That's total bullshit and you saying that is exactly what makes me not give a damn about the two of you. He doesn't love you, Boots. He's just using you because you're smokin' hot and you're too good to him."_

" _And you are the sweetest boy in the world mi cariño but …." twisting her wrists free Texas sprung to her feet and moved toward the door._

" _Wait!"_

" _Calvin I know what you're doing and I know why. I know what you want…."_

" _Because it's what you want too, right?" he said gruffly, pistol loaded and cocked as he clambered to his feet and moved slowly toward her. "Right, Boots?"_

" _Whether you like it or not, whether it is right or wrong? I belong to Johnny and he will hurt you if we…."_

" _You don't belong to anyone Tex, because you're not a possession. You're not a piece of meat, a fast lay, a punching bag. You're….." she let him near and he reached for her hands, holding them tight in his and swinging them slowly to and fro, "… I love you."_

" _I love you too, Calvin."_

" _No, nah, no I mean….." breaking one hand free he reached to her face, stroking gently at her sun freckled cheek and getting lost in deep brown eyes, "… I'm in love with you Tex."_

" _Don't…." she winced, wrinkling her nose and fixing her eyes on the ceiling to suppress threatening tears. "Please? Don't."_

" _Tell me you don't feel the same and I'll quit. We forget this ever happened and we go back to how we've always been. You'll be my best friend no matter what, that won't change: ever. I just gotta know, do you feel the same?"_

" _Calvin if Johnny finds out we even had this conversation he will beat you. He will do things to you that I can't even bear to imagine. He'll hurt you, maybe worse, and of all the things in this life that I cannot bear it is you getting hurt."_

" _You think it doesn't hurt me seeing you with him? Seeing him treat you the way he does? You think that doesn't kill me?"_

" _One day, mi amore, you will meet someone wonderful. A good girl, a sweet girl, someone kind and honest, clean and pure. She will love you and you will love her and you'll have a great life, a life that's good and right. You'll get married and have babies and you'll forget that any of this even existed."_

" _No! No I won't, I won't and anyway what makes you so sure I want all that. What the hell would a sweet and pure girl want with Calvin fuckin' Arliss, right?"_

" _I…."_

" _I want you, Texas. No one will ever get me like you do, no one will ever make me feel the way you do. I don't ever want to be without you, not ever. I won't ever love anyone the way I love you, I swear it."_

" _I can't, Calvin."_

" _Why are you fighting me on this!"_

" _Because….." she gulped, and then in one look, one moment, one catch of breath she lunged forward and grabbed his face. Pulling his lips to hers she kissed him and everything else was meaningless, every bruise, every scar melted from her skin and nothing but white hot lust and unadulterated, unconditional love flushed her veins._

" _I knew it…." he panted, breathless, several long moments later, "… you're in love with me too."_

" _Till the day I die Calvin Arliss….." she whispered, stroking his jawline as warm tears trailed her cheeks and she walked away, "…. but you deserve better and we can't do this."_

"Cal? Sweetheart?"

"Sorry, what?"

"You were a million miles away for a second there."

"She's my friend."

"Okay."

"We've been more, we've been less…." said Calvin candidly, keeping his eyes fixed on the road ahead, "… but I couldn't stand to ever be without her. She's part of me and I'm part of her. It's complicated to explain I guess."

"Were the two of you ever….." she knew she was on unsteady ground, and she knew he knew she already knew the answer but still Olivia asked, "… romantically involved?"

"I…."

"It's okay, you don't have to answer I don't mean to pry or cross a…."

"Yes…." responded Calvin, with a curt nod of his head, as he stole his eyes from the windshield and locked Olivia's briefly, "… yeah we were."

"I appreciate your honesty."

"You gonna tell me why you're asking?" he was casual, as though he didn't really expect her to answer. He only hoped that it meant she had spoken to Texas, because if anyone could help him help her then it was Olivia.

"My second topic of conversation is asking you a favour…." she segued, and he threw her a sidelong glance and tossed his eyes at her failure to answer his question.

"Go right ahead?"

"Will you take my husband out for a drink? A beer, several, have a little fun, blow off some steam?"

"I'm sorry, what?" scoffed Calvin, turning to pull a puzzled face as they waited on a red light. "You want me to get Mr S drunk? Okay you are _beyond_ weird today Livia."

"He doesn't really have any friends."

"Humph, figures."

"Calvin!" cried Olivia, a little horrified at his boldness. Calvin too was horrified when he realised what he had implied.

"Oh God! No! I just meant he mustn't have any if you're coming to me with this. I mean you gotta be flat out of options if I'm looking like a good idea for a drinking buddy."

"What makes you say that?"

"Just that I can imagine that I am the _last_ thing that Mr S wants or needs right now."

"You know something, sweetheart?" smoothing her hands along her pant legs Olivia sat back in her seat, closing her eyes and smiling contentedly. "I completely disagree. I think that you are _exactly_ what El needs right now."

"I mean I'll do it, sure, anything for you, you know that."

"You do make it sound like penance…." she winced, peeling her eyes open and looking across at him with a tinge of concern, "… not to push my luck but I don't suppose you could make it seem a little less of a chore when you invite him?"

"Right, yeah, got it….." stifling a laugh, enjoying teasing her Calvin added, "… bros over hoes. Let's get our drank on!"

"Calvin!"

"You really just love saying my name with that tone don't you?"

"You really just love causing me to need to!"

"You got no idea how good it is to have you well enough to do this with again…." he smiled, a broad, loving smile that she returned instantly as they pulled into the Stabler homestead, "… welcome home Livia."


	11. Tear Ducts Can Rust, I'll Fix It For Us

"Is this awkward?"

"I don't know….." said Elliot, turning his beer bottle around and throwing Calvin a sideways glance, "… do you feel awkward?"

"Hi, sorry, excuse me?" heckled Calvin, gruff but polite as ever noted Elliot with an inward smile. "Would it be possible to get some tequila on the go over here?"

"Tequila?" tested Elliot, suddenly feeling every one of his years acutely and a sudden sense of trepidation.

"I'm not sure there is _any_ situation that can't be fixed with tequila?"

"My son in law, ladies and gentleman…."

"Hey!" smirked Calvin, no longer slighted by Elliot's teasing the way he had been as a teenager. "I thought we were buddies now Mr S, that's not nice."

"Okay, okay we got this….." nodded Elliot, complicit by the time the bartender racked up three shots each at Calvin's behest.

"Livia, on three."

"What?"

"Do it!" grinned Calvin, finding a sudden joy and delight in the situation and revelling in it as he poured salt over his hand. "One, two…."

"Olivia!" laughed Elliot, and it was a long laugh, a deep one, he threw his head back to swallow the shot and he felt the most alive he had in a long time. "Another one?"

"Woah, no, slow down cowboy…." pushing the remaining shots a little further away from them both Calvin decided, "… we're gonna pace a little. The night is young, we don't wanna peak too soon."

"Did you just call me cowboy?" stony faced, Elliot narrowed icy blue eyes and held Detective Stabler's expression firm and strong.

"Nope….." swallowed Calvin, as the power shifted back to the older man, "… too much?"

"Relax….." breaking a smile, his eyes twinkling Elliot slapped his hand to Calvin's back and squeezed his shoulder, "…. I'm playin' with you."

* * *

"Hello? Texas, you home?"

Standing on the porch Olivia's eyes scanned the dirty step, the battered door and dead plants framing it. Concern, curiosity, and old blue bravado pushed her to try the door and enter when she found it unlocked. Wandering inside she felt the breeze catch the back of her neck, and it ruffled the blanket of Elena's artwork that plastered every surface of the kitchen.

"Tex, sweetheart?" a little unnerved now, having aged out of her uniform so many years ago and always acutely aware when she wasn't carrying a weapon.

"Olivia?" came a voice, quiet and shameful.

"Hi…." a warm smile spread Olivia's face, and her kind brown eyes didn't even so much as flicker to find Texas sat cross legged in the middle of the living room floor. Surrounded by a sea of photographs and random keepsakes, and halfway through a bottle of vodka.

"Vodka was my mother's favourite escape too."

"I really don't scare you, do I?" said Texas, in a little voice that sang of relief and comfort. "You don't judge."

"Never, sweetheart."

"I'm sorry….."

"Okay, so, new rule….." said Olivia, crossing the room and taking a seat quietly and calmly on the sofa, "… you have **got** to stop apologising."

"I'm so…." breaking into an uncharacteristically coy laugh Texas covered her mouth with a lightly shaking hand and sighed. "Can I get you anything? Coffee? I made homemade churros for Leni yesterday and there are some left. Are you okay? Should you even be out of bed walking around the city?"

"I'm fine, honestly. I came here to talk, to talk to you, my love. I didn't like how we ended things the other day and I haven't been able to get it off my mind. I wasn't angry, or disappointed, or any of the things that came across when we spoke about Johnny. Actually that isn't true, I am angry, I'm furious. And I _am_ disappointed but not in you, Texas. In myself for how I spoke to you and in all of us for not seeing this all start to slip."

"I don't know what we all did in a past life to deserve you Olivia. I do know though that you can't save everyone, no matter how hard you try. I love that you try, dearly, truly. I wish I could be more like you in so many ways, but the fact that I can't is not your fault. It isn't anyone else's fault but my own. You have to _want_ to screw up, right? Everything is a choice."

"I think that we both know it's a little more complicated than that."

"I miss them all."

"Oh sweetheart…." closing her eyes Olivia took a moment, and then opening them slowly she let them float across the ocean of memories laid out at her feet. She could see Vivian, young and attractive, before time and substance abuse ruined her. She saw photos of Calvin as the little boy she first knew.

"Look at Vivian here, she was so beautiful. I think that it would be easier to see her as weak, as fragile, but I don't. I never did. I loved her, so much. In another life she would've been a writer, a poet, a songwriter maybe. She could draw, she could paint. Sometimes a little drunk, sometimes totally faded, but it never dulled her imagination."

"You were really close to her, weren't you?"

"Were you close? To your mother?" asked Texas innocently. It had been a long time since anyone had asked Olivia about Serena, and even longer since she had allowed herself to really dwell on her loss.

"I wanted to be." She could've stopped there, there was no sense of prying in Texas' expression, only empathy. A poignant, bottomless empathy the likes of which Olivia had never felt before. "I think I knew I was losing her for a long time. I was shocked when she died but I wasn't surprised. That sounds awful. I wish that I had looked harder, for all the things she was, instead of resenting the things she wasn't."

"Wow….." mouthed Texas, her thick dark lashes fluttering moved, "… that's beautiful. What was she like?"

"Not a warm woman…." confessed Olivia, and she wondered if she had ever spoke this candidly about Serena, even to Elliot before. "I wanted her to be, desperately. I wanted cuddles and kisses and to talk about our days, I wanted her to play make believe with me or bake cupcakes. I saw the movies, I had friends who did those things. I don't believe she hated me, I don't believe that she blamed me, truly I don't. I think though, that she hadn't wanted a child, least of all one that reminded her of her worst day; every day."

"Is this too much?"

"I don't talk about it often. I don't mind though, it's kind of cathartic I guess. I was her whole world and that wasn't always a good thing. Not the way she felt it. I think that keeping me close, controlling me, somehow kept her hands on the wheel. When she let go it was just….."

"Freefall."

"I know that you've lost Vivian, sweetheart, but you still have all of us. You still have Calvin, right?"

"It isn't the same."

"The same as what?"

"We did everything together."

"You and Calvin…." said Olivia quietly, as old scars were revealed and a darkness dawned to see the look in Texas' eyes.

"I knew what he was thinking, feeling, what he was going to do before he did it. We finished each other's sentences. It was, well, indescribable I think. I can't explain to you how it was. He was the reason I got up in the morning, we got each other through the day, and we fell asleep together at night. I love him in every possible way one soul can love another."

"Oh sweetheart…."

"He's married and I know that. I wouldn't wish it otherwise. Your daughter is a wonderful person and she's given him a life and a light that I never could have. I love Evie for that. I prayed for that."

"You're still inlove with Calvin, aren't you?" breathed Olivia. By God how had she not seen it, how had she not realised how deep it cut. She had been there, she had lived it. She had loved a married man too, one who she had been both unbearably close to and painfully distanced from.

"Till the day I die."

"Texas…."

"I know she's your daughter and I would never speak ill of her. It just breaks my heart."

"What does?"

"She won't ever get it, she won't ever get him, not truly, not completely. There are parts of him that she can't ever understand."

"I don't think….."

"She can't love him like I do."

"Be careful Texas, sweetheart please?" said Olivia, quietly but firmly, looking Texas square in the eye. "Be careful?"

"Bathroom, excuse me…." said Texas suddenly, desperate to break the intensity of Olivia's stare.

"I'll make coffee."

Heaving herself up from the sofa and sighing worriedly Olivia wandered around the tiny kitchen. This was complicated, more complicated than she could have ever realised. Loyalty, logic and heart all conflicted Olivia found milk in the fridge and searched for the coffee to percolate. Rooting around in cupboards, beside the microwave, she finally happened upon it beside risotto rice of all things.

"Texas your kitchen is insane I have no clue how you find any….." turning a tiny, transparent plastic bag back and forth in her hand Olivia's eyes narrowed at the white rocks inside. Pushing a little further into the cupboard she found two small orange pill bottles, both bearing names of people she didn't recognise.

* * *

"Hey, what's up?"

"Hey….." shaking Calvin's hand, and then using it to draw him into a back slapping embrace befitting of both men's sense of self Elliot added, "….nothing's up, why'd you ask?"

"I just….." he hadn't been expecting Elliot to message him out of the blue on a Friday evening as he arrived back in the city from Bragg and invite him out for a drink. He had expected a discussion needing having, at the very least some well-meaning alternative motive.

"Look I'm gonna be completely honest with you, son, and say I haven't always been your biggest fan."

"You invited me here to tell me that?" it made Elliot smile the way Calvin could get away with saying things that others wouldn't. He was possible the most endearing character Elliot had ever come across.

"I know that last time you took me out drinking because Liv asked you to. I wasn't unaware of that. She knows me better than I like to admit and she thought it would do me good….." shifting his weight awkwardly between feet Elliot felt suddenly painfully vulnerable, "…and, well, she was right: as ever."

"We had a good night, huh?" smirked Calvin, remembering their antics and arching an impish brow.

"You made me feel twenty years younger than I have any right to."

"I've always been a bad influence…." shrugging his shoulders, it saddened Elliot to see how Calvin still had so little self-assurance out of uniform. It struck Elliot in that moment that he wished he could allow the younger man to see himself through their eyes.

"Full disclosure? I asked you to come for a beer with me tonight because I like hanging out with you, Cal."

"Oh, oh I see."

"Liv isn't wrong when she says I don't really have many friends. I'm not an easy guy to be around I guess. What I was trying to say earlier was that I didn't trust you at first and I let you think that was on you, but it wasn't and it was wrong of me to let you believe otherwise. I find people stuff hard, guess I always have. I think Liv was the one exception to that."

"She's pretty awesome."

"I haven't always given you an easy ride Calvin and I apologise for that. Not for being a protective father, not for looking out for my girl, but for overdoing it, more often that you deserved. I had fun the other night, and unless the idea is totally hideous to you I wouldn't mind doing it more often."

"If Livia could see us now, huh?" was Calvin's way of saying: sure, why not. He gestured to the bar tender for a beer, and punched Elliot's shoulder lightly, "Buddies, Mr S."

"For God's sake call me Elliot, will ya?"

"So they're trading Vincent I hear, that'll make for an interesting season…." tipping the bar tender and clinking his bottle lightly against Elliot's as it sat on the bar Calvin settled in for the evening.

"I think they paid over the odds, honestly, did you see that interview he did on…."

And so they talked, casually, relaxed, just two men sharing beers and sports and tit for tat. Time stood still for an hour or so, and they both laughed and joked, and realised that they were more alike than they had ever previously allowed themselves to realise or accept.

* * *

"I've been thinking a lot about my mother lately."

"Why do you think that is? Specifically now I mean….." said George Huang, with that quiet staid calm that always put Olivia so at ease, "….more so than usual?"

"Mothers and daughters….." sometimes when Olivia smiled, he mused, it was as though the world had never known so much sadness and joy simultaneously, "… it's been somewhat of a theme lately."

"How so?"

"My daughter and I have been a little distant; a lot distant, maybe. Compared, at least, to how we used to be. I've been trying to figure out why it is. I know that she's been through a lot, she's growing and changing and I'm trying to respect that and give her the space she needs but still support her and love her all the same. It's a hard balance. I used to look at her and see myself staring back and I don't feel that way anymore. It's almost like I need to get to know her all over again and I'm not quite sure how to do that."

"Have you talked to her at all?"

"I'm going to, I want to. I've just been figuring out when and how. I guess I wanted to speak with you first. Try and heal a few open wounds in case I put any of that on her."

"Do you feel like she wouldn't be able to cope? Why can't you support each other mutually, is that something you don't think would be possible?"

"I think that, maybe, well, something occurred to me today. It's probably…."

"When have either one of us ever considered something not worth saying?"

"I was talking to a friend about how badly my mother needed me. How I suppose you could say that my existence validated hers, how she needed me to be a certain way to reassure her that….." trailing off, losing her sense of what she was wanting to say Olivia shrugged, "… of something."

"Do you think that you are like your mother?" was the obvious question that needed confronting, and that Huang was not afraid to ask. He held her eyes, he was kind and gentle but somehow firm and reassuring and she felt safe in his office.

"I think that I am more like her than I'd realised, than I suppose I would've ever wanted to be. I see that now I'm older, a lot older; older than she was when she died."

"And that scares you?"

"I think what scares me more is seeing myself in Eve, but always not the good parts. Lately I see her as me before I joined SVU. Lost, wandering, doing what she thinks people want and expect, or doing the opposite just because she can. I'm not saying she's not happy, and she's still wonderful, she's still my girl. I just felt so proud that I'd raised my daughter so confident, so strong and self-assured and I'm afraid that what happened to her in San Francisco and moving to North Carolina has…."

"From what you've said it sounds like Eve has accepted that she's a survivor, and has come to terms with her rape….." pausing a beat, Huang looked up from his notebook, "… have you, Liv?"

"I…."

"It's okay, take a breath, take all the time you need."

"I have this friend, a good friend, her names is Texas. She's a survivor too, and an addict. She's been through hell and she's walking the line right now. I see it. I see her drinking, I know she's using again. She's back in contact with her past. I want to protect her….." eyes filling with tears Olivia pressed her lips together, and whispered, "… I **need** to protect her."

"Like you couldn't protect Eve?"

"I wasn't there."

"It was _**not**_ your fault Olivia."

"I wasn't there! My baby girl was raped and I was 3,000 miles away!"

"She was an adult. It was a random, unpredictable act of violence, a heinous attack that you couldn't possible have foreseen or prevented. No one could. No one ever can, right?" not waiting for her to answer Huang spoke with a quiet assertion. "How many years did we work together? How many times did I hear you council not just victims, but their parents on not playing the blame game? Not letting their heads go there? Not letting it take any more from them than has already been taken?"

"I know that you're right, I do. I'm not patronising, because I used to see it tear the parents apart. I sympathised, truly. I just couldn't….."

"Do you think that this distance between you and Eve is her pushing you away, keeping you at arm's length, or…."

"Or the other way around?" said Olivia, a tear escaping down her cheek.

"Are you okay?" asked Huang, and it provoked a little sob from Olivia. She had missed him, and all his wisdom and kindness she realised.

"I think that maybe you touched a nerve, doc."

"You're an incredible woman Olivia and I cannot put into words the amount of love and respect for you I have **always** had, but you are human. For as long as I've known you, you have always held yourself to a higher standard, maybe an impossible one, and it makes you an incredible person but it takes a toll. You pay a price for it, and maybe finally after all this time that price is getting too high."

"Is this where you tell me that I can't fix everybody? That I can't save every survivor to make up for the fact that I couldn't save my mother? That I can't undo the fact that I'm a product of rape by curing the world of rapists?"

"You know yourself better than you give yourself credit for….." he smiled warmly, "… so come on then Doctor Benson, what's the answer? What are your next steps?"

"I need to speak with my daughter."

"Yes."

"I need to figure out who else, other than just me, is going to help Texas."

"Yes."

"And I need to come back here same time next week?"

"I think that we still have some work to do. Do you feel the same way?"

"Yeah….." she said, though it was hard to admit, and took a moment of hesitation, "... yeah, yeah I think I do."


	12. Between The Drinks And Subtle Things

"But how will we know for sure?"

"Sweetheart I don't think it's that easy. I'm not sure there'll ever be a point at which we know for sure, for absolute certain, that nothing will ever go wrong again. You heard the doctor though. Everything went perfectly, my kidney function is getting better every day, the rest of my health is slowly improving. I don't want you to worry one second while you're away."

"Okay, well, I mean that's unrealistic Mom but…."

"This trip is all about you, Sammy. Your Dad and I just want you to go and have as much fun as humanly possible and…."

"I mean not _too much_ fun but…."

"Dad!" laughed Eve, swatting her father's shoulder playfully as the four sat around the family dining table. "This is supposed to be Sammy's fun last night don't be a downer!"

"Just remember how we raised you, that's all I'm saying son."

"Message received loud and clear. Evie can you pass the potatoes?"

"So what are you kids getting up to tonight then? Did I hear Texas mention a fiesta?" asked Olivia, her face glowing after a full day of family activity to mark Sam's last day in the USA before his travelling adventure.

"I think maybe Evie and I should be a little scared, right sis?"

"I'm a mom now so I won't be doing _anything_ crazy….." said Eve, and Olivia lifted her eyes from her food sadly.

"Being a Mom doesn't stop you having fun though, love? You can let your hair down once in a while. You're out with friends, and with Calvin, right? Maybe you should just go a _little_ crazy, blow off some steam."

"You'll message me? To let me know the twins are down okay?" asked Eve and Sam looked to Elliot and rolled his eyes.

"Don't worry guys, I'll try and force some fun on Donna Reed over here."

"Hey!" protested Eve, throwing her brother a warning look and poking out her tongue.

"Just like when you were kids…." laughed Elliot fondly, catching Olivia's gaze and flashing a wide grin. "Remember?"

"Oh do I ever! Sammy you were either Evie's little shadow or her worst nightmare and never anything in between. Your Dad and I were onto a total loser. Either you were fight like cat and dog or you were total co-conspirators."

"I'll really miss this….." said Sam, sobering suddenly to realise that this was the last time for a good while that he would sit with his family around that table.

"We'll still be here when you get back…." said Elliot, quickly swooping in to reassure, "… just remember that. The world is out there for the taking, but your family will always be right here for you to come home to."

"Thanks Dad."

"I think Bear will miss you over all of us!" said Eve, as her loyal and lolloping dog nuzzled a wet nose into Sam's arm.

"Yeah well, he's gonna keep my sister in line while I'm gone, we've already had words….." said Sam, petting Bear while nodding steadily at Eve, "… he'll keep an eye on you for me."

* * *

"Jesus!"

"Nah….." came a laughing smirk from the sofa as Texas walked through the front door to find the house wasn't empty, "… I'm Johnny, remember?"

"You're here, on my couch, how could I forget."

"Good day?" despite all that he was, all that he wasn't, and all the things about him that scared her it was a strange and twisted comfort to have someone ask her that after a long ten hour shift. "You look like hell."

"Yeah, well, collecting glasses isn't exactly the same deeply inspiring work as the ER."

"You could go back you know…." sitting up, bracing his elbows against his knees Johnny Arliss sighed, "… they didn't take your licence, or whatever it's called. You're still a nurse."

"A nurse who steals pills and envies patient's morphine drips? That's not caregiving that's hypocrisy and it's dangerous. I don't trust myself there John."

"You worked damn hard to get that uniform Tex. How many tricks you have to turn to pay your way through college? How many jobs did you come in on with me and Cal just to…."

"Oh shut up!" she snapped, slamming the groceries down hard on the kitchen table and whipping her head around to glare at him. "Did you just come here to lament my failures as a human being or was there some higher purpose?"

"Wanna get loaded?" he offered, turning up the corners of his mouth with that devilish charm that had derailed her so many times.

"Not tonight Johnny."

"But you're tempted, right?" he enjoyed seeing her twitch, and she knew it. Attempting to deny him the satisfaction she waved a casual hand and lit a cigarette instead. Putting the coffee on to brew she unpacked the groceries and refused to take the bait.

"I'm going out tonight anyway, so you can't stay here. I don't want you in the house while I'm gone in case they come round to check on me. I can't predict it and I can't justify you hanging around here like a bad smell."

"Wait they _spy_ on you?" genuinely a little baffled by Texas' former partner and his police detective father Johnny's eyes widened and rolled. "And I thought I was the crazy one."

"You are, but your kind of crazy isn't legal and theirs apparently is….." lifting deep brown eyes Texas met his gaze and they smiled at one another. He was part of her world and he understood her, he didn't hold her to an impossible standard the way Gil did.

"Where you at tonight then? Can I come?"

"Sam Stabler is off to see the world and we're throwing him a farewell fiesta."

"Cal going?" moments of vulnerability, of sincerity and emotion were rare in Johnny but once flashed across his face in that moment.

"You miss him, don't you?"

"Every God damn day….." muttered Johnny under his breath, getting up from the sofa and wandering into the kitchen. "But that's a ship I burned a long time ago."

"Ships sail…" she said, handing him a mug of black coffee, "… bridges burn."

"Yeah well, my little cousin is off limits either way."

"You're really going to stay away from him?" she wasn't sure why she was asking, only that Johnny seemed so human suddenly. "And Sophia?"

"They're better off without me. Their lives are better without me in them. I'm an asshole but I'm not a moron and I'm not a monster…" sniffing loudly, turning away and breaking their eyes Johnny added at a mumble, "…anymore."

"Please promise me that you won't come here uninvited? Please John I am **begging** you not to make this worse for me? Don't give them any more reasons to take Leni from me?"

"Uninvited?" he asked, his eyes shooting up to hers in as close as she'd ever seen him come to coy.

"You know what I meant."

"I promise. Wanna fuck?"

"No, no I do not."

"You sure?" he tested, reaching out and stroking at her arm with the back of his hand. "I've missed you…."

"For my sparkling wit and sense of humour I've no doubt….." pulling a face she dismissed him, turning away and reaching to fetch her own coffee cup. He put his down, moving to stand behind her and grabbing lightly at her hips.

"I mean it Tex and I think you missed me too….." firming up his grip he allowed her to turn around in his arms, her mistrusting eyes narrowing over his face, "… or why'd else you call? _You_ called _me_ remember?"

"Flush the junk."

"What?"

"Flush it."

"Nah, nah I ain't….."

"Flush it….." she said slowly, deliberately, stepping outside of herself, "… and we'll fuck."

* * *

"So how'd you feel about the situation? Little bro heading out into the big bad world?" asked Texas, swirling the ice around her now empty cocktail glass and flashing Eve a broad smile, "He's so ready for it, right?"

"So ready….." smiling back Eve slurped slushy margarita through her straw and then laughed, ".. but I'm so not even gonna think about what he's gonna get up to down there."

"Oh _hell yeah_ is little Sammy Stabler gonna get some hot Latina action and…."

"Tex!" and choking a little on her drink Eve heard herself giggle, and it had been a long time since she'd felt that warm rush of freedom.

Both women had had too many drinks to count already, but they were having fun celebrating Sam's last night in New York, and there was an easy trust in the air.

"I'm sorry but it's about time. Your brother's dating record is _horrible_ if we're being brutally honest, right?" she was drunk, but she was never unpleasant with it. "I mean he had the born again dictator."

"Leah wasn't so bad! They really loved each other…."

"She spent the whole time trying to change him into something he wasn't."

"Yeah, yeah I guess that's true….." said Eve, her eyes lingering on Calvin as he shot pool with Sam across the bar. Where was the line? Between bettering someone and trying to change them beyond who they were just born to be?"

"And then the rich kid he gave one too many free ice creams and then she aborted his kid for the trouble… "

"Texas you are terrible!" but damn she was fun, thought Eve, unable to keep herself from laughing again.

"All I'm saying is that this is Sammy's moment, okay? From what you and Cal tell me he went straight from star quarterback to miserable depressed wheelchair boy. Now it's time for him to grab life by the balls and realise how awesome he is, see himself the way we all do."

"I know, I know you're right. I'm excited for him….."

"Then let's drink to that!" the room was already a little hazy for Eve, who hadn't drunk much at all since having the twins. Texas, however, was on fine form and the drinks so far didn't seem to have even touched the sides.

"Boys! Hey! Holla, mijos!" grabbing Eve's arm and dragging her up from her chair and toward the bar she continued to heckle the rest of the gang, "We're doing shots! Come on down!"

Texas' humour was always dry, her warmth and honesty delivered in spades, and her tavern laugh guttural and sexy. Eve remembered how instantly drawn to her she'd felt, how exotic and magnetic she had seemed to a naïve teenager in her cheer uniform.

"Okay so I'm gonna head out for some fresh air while you guys wait for service but I want tequila all round here okay?"

"No, no tequila I…."

"Oh _come on_ Princess Sparkle! Trust me there isn't a single occasion that isn't made one hundred percent better with tequila….." eyes alive, red lipstick on full lips, her skirt high and her shirt low Texas shot Calvin a knowing smirk, "…. right Cal?"

"We could always just get another round of whatever everyone had….." said Calvin, moving a supportive hand to the small of Eve's back.

"No way! I'm with Tex here and it's my night, so my rules…." interjected Sammy, catching the bartender's eye and effortlessly manoeuvring his chair closer to the bar, "…. can we get four tequila shots over here please?"

"You used to hate ordering at bars…." said Eve, smiling with immense pride and satisfaction to see her brother so confident, so at ease in his own skin. "Now you're leading us all astray at one!"

* * *

"Fresh air huh?"

"You come out here to preach or to bum a smoke?"

"You got a light?" asked Calvin, sliding a cigarette from the packet in Texas' outstretched hand and flashing her his familiar lopsided smile.

"Hold still…." she said, pinning her own cigarette between pursed lips and holding a hand around Calvin's as the breeze caught the lighter's flame and killed it. He reached his free hand to steady hers as she flicked the lighter again, and feeling the hairs at the back of his neck raise he realised he was deliberately keeping it there even once the cigarette was burning.

"I've missed you, cariño….." she said quietly, leaning back against the railing behind her. Folding one arm at her waist, and propping her smoking elbow on it she tilted her head and smiled, "North Carolina's loss is our gain."

"I've missed you too Boots."

"You're sad…." she noted, holding smoke in her mouth and tension in his gaze, "…. why?"

"No, nah I'm great, I'm excited. Coming back to the city, working on plans for the car shop with Elliot. Things are good, real good."

"And leaving the army?" she asked, never once having had to gloss or sugar coat her words with him. "That's a big deal. That's been who you are for a lot of years. It's a huge change."

"Yeah, yeah but it's the right thing. Evie needs her family close, right? She belongs in New York where she can get a great job, figure out what she wants next in life. I see her a little lost and I want to fix that for her. Bragg was great, for a while, while she got over, well, you know….." rolling his shoulders, kicking at the floor with a scuffing toe Calvin muttered, "… but she deserves more."

"Right, right sure. It sounds great."

"What's up?" tossing his eyes, feeling the beers hit him suddenly Calvin reached out and gave her shoulder a light shove. "Come on sour puss, what's the face for?"

"Nothing, no, not my place."

"You're really annoying because I can feel what you're thinking anyway so you might as well just..."

"I just wish that you'd put yourself first sometimes. I see you moving mountains for Eve and so you should, you're her husband, it's beautiful, but it's sad too Calvin. How long are you going to keep chasing it?"

"Chasing what?"

"Whatever or whoever it is that you think Evie Stabler deserves."

"Evie Arliss."

"I love that you want to better yourself. I love that you want to provide the best _possible_ life for your family. It's incredible, truly. I just wish that you believed that you're already good enough, you don't have to keep trying to be more, better, different."

"Shut up."

"I want you to know that I love you just how you are, just how you've always been. I'm not criticising I'm just making sure that you know that for me? Calvin Arliss just **exactly** as he comes….." blinking slowly, chewing lightly on her lip Texas shrugged, "… it's always been enough. More than I deserved."

"You're one in a million Texas….." he sighed, his heart aching at how raw and honest, how open and loving she could be. Grabbing her hand he squeezed it tight, and leaning forward he pressed a kiss firm against her cheek, "Thank you."

"De nada…." she smiled warmly, and they lingered slightly a hairs breadth apart just staring at each other. Two souls so familiar it was like looking into a mirror.

"So tequila shots?" he asked, breaking the tension between them as an old familiar feeling tingled under his skin. "Are you out to cause trouble tonight or what?"

"Always….." drawing red lips to a wide, mischievous grin she twisted a curl of black hair around her finger and stubbed out her cigarette, "…. come on, the night is young!"

"I'll be right there…." said Calvin, watching Texas saunter back inside and exhaling slowly and deliberately. He felt both impossibly light, and unbearably heavy simultaneously. For a moment he wasn't sure whether it was the memories, the future, or the nicotine that had him so light headed.

* * *

"What did I miss?"

"Over there…."

"Jeez is she getting on the bar?" tilting his head back heavenward and closing his eyes Calvin didn't know whether to laugh or despair. Lowering his eyes from the ceiling he turned to Eve and shrugged. "You think I should rein her in?"

"Oh absolutely _not_ babe, have you seen my brother?" smiled Eve, a little lighter, a little brighter, as she gestured to the space below the bar where Sam was holding court.

Though Texas seemed initially to be the centre of attention, dancing with impressive aplomb in six inch heels on the slippery wooden bar top, it was Sam who was the real star of her show. Eve got a sense, having been watching from the outset, that this was what Texas had intended all along. Sam was out of his shell; so far out he was radiating the kind of carefree joy and abandon that she had not seen in her brother since his accident.

"He looks like he's having a blast…." noted Calvin, seeing his friend freely interacting with total strangers and holding their audience captivated. Moving his chair back and forth, dancing, weaving, a social magnet Sammy Stabler was born again.

"She did that, Cal."

"What? Texas?" snorted Calvin, because to him it was so normal, so almost ordinary seeming to watch Texas fuel the party. "She's just doing what she always does."

"She's drunk, we all are…." said Eve, and he loved her for how devoid of judgement her tone and manner was, "… but is she…."

"High?" finished Calvin, seeing his wife struggling to doubt their friend so vocally. "Nah, no she's clean tonight. She's had a skin full of tequila and God knows what else but she's clean."

"How do you know?" asked Eve, moving closer to him, feeling closer to him.

"Because I know her…." shrugged Calvin, putting his arm around Eve as they watched Texas and Sam duet Sonny and Cher in perfect harmony, "…. and that crazy? It's all her, it's just Tex being Tex."

"Cal?"

"Yeah?" he asked, turning to give her his full attention. "What's up, baby?"

"We have to help her."

"I know, I know but…."

"I'm jealous of her, I've been envious of her all evening and I'm ashamed of that but I'm being honest with you."

"Evie…."

"She's alive, Calvin. She's the most completely alive person I've ever known and I used to be that way. Once upon a time I could've gotten right up there on that bar with her and danced and sung my heart out. I want that back, I want to feel that way again."

"Babe where is all this…." hesitating a moment, sobering suddenly, Calvin stared at his wife. "Only I'm just not so sure that Tex is really a first-rate example of, well, I dunno …."

"Are you happy, babe?" asked Eve, her pretty face catching the bar light and betraying the sadness she bore. "Are you really, truly happy?"

"Yeah, yeah I am…." he answered quickly, "…aren't you?"

"You don't talk to me, we don't talk to each other anymore. Can you even remember the last time we…."

"I mean you just had the twins and…."

"The twins are almost 8 months old, babe."

"We worked really, fucking hard to get here Evie. We just gotta keep on trying, right? I'm almost out, I'm so close, and we'll move up here and we'll get a little place sorted. You can get a job you're really into, once I'm around more to take shifts with the babies. You can do and have whatever you want, babe, I'll make it happen I promise."

"And what do _you_ want Cal?"

"I want you to be happy Bambi. I want to take care of you, and Livi and CJ and Bear. I wanna get the car shop going, get some money coming in, some stability. I want you to find something you're really into, you know? I just want to make you happy Evie, that's what I want. Ever since I first met you that's all I've ever wanted."

"Since you met me….." she said lovingly, reaching a hand to his face and stroking it with soft fingertips."

"Huh?" he muttered, enjoying remembering how her touch felt on his skin.

"That's all you've ever wanted since you met me."

"Yeah, yeah same difference."

"No, no, not really…." she whispered, so beneath her breath he didn't hear it as they kissed lightly.

"Hey! Hey love birds?" heckled Sam, rolling back on his wheels and making kissing faces with his lips. "Are you gonna come join in the fun or?"

"Yeah come on Evie, come join?" offered Texas, reaching down from the bar, bangles jingling at her wrist as she shook her hand encouragingly. "Come on, come up here and dance with me?"

"No, no I can't, I couldn't….." clenching her fingers lightly, then balling them to a fist as she fought against all that was holding her back Eve frustrated herself by shaking her head and insisting, "… dance for me! You're a star!"

"Come on, we'll dance together…." said Calvin, draping a supportive arm around Eve's shoulders and walking her over to join Sam at Texas' feet.


	13. I'd Die For Her And She Lives For Me

**Just a little word to say firstly thank you so much for continuing to read and for your ongoing support and reviews/comments. I really do love reading them and find them really inspiriting (I do try to take comments and wishes onboard!). Also I realise that this update is coming quite soon after the last, but it was a bit of a labour of love and I just wanted to put it out there as soon as it was written. They may not always come so close in succession! Thanks again.**

* * *

"It's been a while since we last came here."

"Too long, it looks forgotten…." said Olivia sadly, grabbing handfuls of overgrowth and weeds from the headstone of her mother's grave.

"Hey, hey stop, let me do that….." insisted Elliot, muscling in and pushing her lightly out the way. "Too much bending and twisting and you'll rupture something."

"Rupture?" and she laughed, then felt it inappropriate and stifled a smirk with her hand. "Well, okay Dr Stabler but you take it easy yourself, okay?"

"So I haven't really had a chance to ask you without the kids in earshot, but how's it going with Huang?"

"Fine, good….." setting down fresh flowers on the space Elliot had cleared in front of Serena's stone Olivia smiled, "…. it's actually speaking with him that made me want to come here today I think."

"Oh yeah?"

"There was just so much left unsaid between us, you know?" she sighed, folding her hands in a light clasp in front of her and staring at the now faded lettering bearing her mother's name. "I guess I still have so many questions. There are so many things I didn't know about her and she died before I got chance to ask."

"Like what?" asked Elliot, pushing hard enough to get his wife to open up but having learned just how much space to give her to allow her to breathe.

"She drank because she was raped, that's what everyone always said. I just never heard her say it; they weren't her words, that wasn't her explanation. I suppose I just never really spoke with her about, well, the fact that she was a survivor. I mean obviously it came up, at surface level, but we never dug deep. I think that it would have really helped me to understand her better, maybe even to help her cope sober."

"Hey, hold on a second, don't start taking that on….." cautioned Elliot, reaching an arm around her waist and drawing her into his side, "… you were a kid through the worst of it. By the time you were adult enough to be having those conversations with your mother she was a longstanding alcoholic."

"It's a strange thing motherhood. I've said before that though I always loved her, of course I did, there was a lot of time where I found it really hard to like her. The way she was, the way she treated me, the way she couldn't support my working at SVU: the one thing in my life that finally made sense and gave me purpose. I still wanted her though, desperately, when I thought….."

"You mean with Lewis?" he offered, seeing she needed him to meet her halfway. "I've heard stories, from other people, about what happened that day. I hear you talk in your sleep. I can't even imagine, Liv. I can't even begin to comprehend what you must've felt, the thoughts that must've gone through your head. I don't know that you realise how big of a deal it was to survive what you did; twice."

"I don't suppose it ever goes away, no matter what happens, what life puts in the way. When you're scared, when you're hurt….." her eyes moved from the gravestone to Elliot's familiar blue gaze, loving and kind, protective and loyal, "… you just want your mother."

"You thinking about Evie?"

"Always, and Sammy too. I worry about him on this trip, I know its's good for him, I know its right and he's ready but I'm still scared to death."

"I hear ya, I do, but we gotta let him go. You know he said a couple of things at the airport when we were unloading his bag from the bar. You guys had already gone inside to find his check in desk and it was just me and him. First up he asked me to take care of you obviously, make sure you're not working too hard, make sure you look after yourself and your health."

"He's such a sweet kid, he's had a rough ride but he's always had a heart of gold."

"Yeah, yeah he has but he's not a kid anymore Liv. For the first time lately I really think he's figured out who he is and I gotta tell you…." shaking his head, inspired by his son, Elliot laughed lovingly, "… he is ten times the man I am."

"I happen to like the man you are so…." she hugged into him, leaning up for a brief kiss before furrowing her brown and remembering, "….wait, you said two things?"

"His sister."

"Oh Evie Grace….." sighed Olivia sadly, finding her eyes drawn to her mother's grave once more. It was comforting, despite everything. "I see myself in her lately, but the version of me that my mother knew. I wish I knew how to help her find her way again. I couldn't bear for what happened to her to steal her away like it did Mom."

"Sammy mentioned that things still seemed a little off between Evie and Calvin when they all went out drinking. Have you noticed it? I wonder if it might be part of what's gotten her so down lately."

"I'd hoped being so close to him getting out things would get better, it's what, like two weeks tops now?"

"I reckon so."

"I thought that'd fix it. I guess they've both had a lot of change to get their heads around, and heaven knows having one new born isn't easy let alone two."

"I wanted to see what you thought about me suggesting she talks to Cathy?"

"What your Cathy?" asked Olivia, a little taken aback and not sure if she ought to feel put out. "Why?"

"Mouse gave up a lot moving to Fort Bragg, more than I think most people realise. I saw it happening and I thought she was fine. I guess maybe it took more of her than any of us realised. I know it was structure, routine, a community when she was so lost after….." still unable to talk about it comfortably Elliot simply said, "… after everything in California."

"You mean Cathy would know what that's like?" realised Olivia, seeing that it actually made a lot of good sense.

"I gave my heart and soul to the Marine Corps but it took hers from her without permission. I took an oath; she didn't, at least not willingly. I'm not saying that it destroyed us…."

"No I did that…." said Olivia darkly, under her breath, so her mother couldn't hear.

"We were both pretty powerless to stop…." forgetting momentarily where they were Elliot dipped his head, pressing a lingering kiss against her lips and not wanting to pull away, "… this."

"I think it's a great idea to see if Evie wants to catch up with Cathy."

"I'm not saying that they're the same, maybe they're not even similar. Cath and I knew a lot of military spouses who were perfectly happy, they understood the life and they embraced it. It just isn't for everyone, and maybe even if she thought it was at first I think it turned out not to be the life for Evie."

"Cal realised that though, before any of us. He knew she needed to come home months ago. He was way ahead of the curve there, way ahead of what I'd realised."

"He's a good guy. He worries me doting on her the way he does, but he's got a good heart and a smart head."

"He gave up a hell of a lot for her too, El. I think we forget that, and I know she does sometimes."

"How's Texas?"

"Wow, your mind went right there, huh?" said Olivia, a little surprised not at the fact, but at Elliot's awareness of it.

"They were thick as thieves their whole life. I get that the breakdown of her relationship and the risk of losing Leni is what's really screwed her over, but it doesn't take a genius to realise we took our eyes off the ball and we did it when Calvin was 500 miles away. Two friends as close as they are, partners in crime day in day out, and then one of them moves their entire life out of state?"

"It's brutal…." swallowed Olivia, remembering the aftershocks painfully well as though Elliot's sudden and wrenching departure from the SVU squad room and her life was just yesterday, "…. like you've lost true north."

"Liv, hey…." putting his arm around her shoulders he kissed her temple reassuringly, "… not the same. Not the same at all."

"No, no I know that."

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing, forget it. You know being here actually makes me think, what would I ask my mother now? All the questions, all the answers I've wanted all this time and right now I just want one. I just want to know _one thing_ from her."

"What's that?"

"How do I help Evie? How do we save Texas? How do I get her out of the bottle? How do I convince her she is more than what's happened to her, how do I re-write everything she has _ever_ believed about herself and her worth."

"Liv you cannot take her on solo, you can't make her yours to save."

"So help me?" challenged Olivia wilfully. "The same way we're gonna help Evie, the same way we're gonna help her find her fight, find herself. Help me do the same for Tex?"

"Olivia…."

"She's important to me, El."

"She's important to Calvin…." he noted, furrowing bushy silver brows and adding, "… is that the same thing?"

"No, no it's more than that. I'd help her for him, in a heartbeat, that's true. It's not why this matters so much though. It's not even Leni, though she's part of it too. Evie is strong, she's a little lost right now but she's a Stabler. She has been raised by two parents, and it hasn't always been easy but she's always had her family. She's always had a home to run to, she's always known that we will have her back and we will fight holy hellfire for her every single time."

"We worked damn hard to make sure both our kids always had those things; that they always knew they had a safe place and a family that loved them more than anything."

"But we both know what it's like not to, right?" and in that moment he loved her more, if it were possible, than he had a second earlier.

"Okay, okay I'm in. I got your six, Benson: always."

* * *

"FUCKING JOHNNY?"

"Wow, wow, well okay then…." mouthed Texas as Calvin flew into her kitchen, the door shuddering on its hinges and his eyes white with fury. "I'm not quite sure what you're asking me. Is that a statement or a question? Also did you think to check whether Leni was here before you burst in here and exploded on me?"

"Is she?" asked Calvin with a gulp of panic, falling quiet and listening for the little girl he doted on.

"No, no she's with her father."

"What the **hell** Tex?" he fumed, still seething and now resuming his line of questioning having established they were alone. "I don't know what's worse. That you brought him back into our lives, or that you lied about it."

"My life, you needn't have any part in it. He is never hear when Leni is and I didn't lie. I just…."

"Forgot to tell me?" spitting feathers still Calvin struggled to find his calm, restore gravity. "Have you forgotten a bunch of other pretty crucial fucking things Tex? Like what a total and utter bastard my cousin is? What were you _thinking_?"

"Careful Arliss, you'll get a nose bleed up on that ivory tower."

"I'm not playin' around here Boots."

"Don't call me that, don't _you_ play _me_ Calvin. I'm not a welfare project for you and your new family. I'm not a pet you can pick up and stroke a little when you need an ego hit and then put me back in my basket."

"What're you on right now? Pills? Dope?"

"Ugh you are such a little hypocrite!" she exclaimed, thrusting her hands to her sides and balling her fists. "When you were in the gutter with us it was anything goes, remember? When you were on your knees we were good enough for you then! You crawled right alongside me, remember?"

"How can you even…."

"I am doing the best that I can with what I have Calvin. I am scared and I am lonely and I….." exhaling suddenly, heavily, she bit down hard on the inside of her cheek and shot him hot tear filled eyes, "…. I was fucking lonely so I called Johnny, okay? Is that what you want to hear? You happy now?"

"Literally could not be less happy."

"I'm not pretending he's different, he's changed, he's anything less than the garbage he always was. I'm not deluded, I'm not a fool. He just knows me, he knows….." staring at the ground, shoulders hunched, attempting to make herself as small as she felt Texas swallowed, "… he's familiar."

"Jesus you're sleeping with him aren't you?" gasped Calvin in disgust, his face contorting as he covered his mouth with a lightly shaking hand.

"Don't look at me like that!" she cried, turning away from him and reaching into a cupboard for a bottle of vodka. It clunked hard against the glass as she stumbled to get contents inside. Taking a long, calming gulp she added at a whisper, "Don't look at me at all."

"Highest highs and lower lows, right babe?" he sighed, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath before jumping in. Walking over to her he took the glass from her hand, set it down on the side and then parcelled her into his arms and pinned her there tight. "Just like Mom."

"I miss her Cal….." she mumbled, her face buried in his chest, "… I miss all of it."

"Shhhh, just stay quiet a minute, just breathe." He gave her more than that, and four of five minutes must've past with the two of them just stood in the kitchen while he held her. "Tex you gotta know that it kills me that you're letting him back in after all that he's done to you. He hurt you, remember? He hurt you more than once and I don't just mean your feelings…."

"I don't care….."

"No! No you don't do that, you **do not** do that…." he panicked, having never, in all the years he'd known her heard her even come close to sounding this way.

She was strong, she was a fighter, she had talked all of them out of giving up so many times and now she just sounded defeated. His heart broke to see her white flag waving.

"You are stronger than this, Tex. You've been through hell and survived it. You have literally walked through hell and out the other side so many times. Everything we went through as kids? The way you took care of my mom? What you did for Sophia? What about Leni, right? Leni Legs _adores_ you Texas and she needs her mom, she needs her mom to stop talking this way and keep fighting."

"Let them take her, she's better off without me…."

"Shut up, shut up right now. This isn't you, this is whatever junk you've taken talking. It's not my friend, it's not the Texas Mendoza I know."

"I am done talking about this right now….."

"He raped you, Tex!"

"You don't talk about that."

"And neither do you and maybe that's my fault. Maybe I haven't been around enough and I'm sorry for that. I know I kinda just walked away but it was all just taking off so quickly and between Evie and the Army I just….."

"What do you want me to say, Calvin? What can I say that I haven't already said a million times before? I'm happy for you, truly. What you've done with your life is amazing and you deserve all of it. I just don't know what you expect from me. I know you need to fix me but it isn't working, it won't work. I tried, I did. I tried to love Gil enough, and I tried to be everything he wanted me to me. I tried to be so perfect and good and it didn't work out. He saw through it. He saw me for the trash I am and…."

"Hey!" he cut in, to the quick of her self-loathing and shook his head vehemently. "You are **not** trash Texas."

"I called Johnny because I was lonely. I called him because being with him however sick it is, however wrong it is, whatever kind of pitiful person it makes me he feels like home….." turning away, burying her face in her hands she choked, "… he's all that's left of home."

"Oh my God this is so messed up…."

"What?"

"I can't even…."

"You're judging me?"

"Texas its insanity! You're talking like a crazy person!"

"I was **honest** with you! And this is what I get?" she yelled, slayed by his words. "Well you want some more honesty? You wanna know how I'm paying for my lawyer? You wanna hear the sick truth of wear my child custody attorney's nauseatingly high fees are coming from?"

"I swear to God if you tell me you're letting Johnny pay for that….." his heart was breaking, over and over.

He felt her pain, it hurt him to see her, he wanted to kill Johnny for all the things he'd done to her and for making her believe she was worth nothing. He hated the world for making her believe that and himself for not being able to convince her otherwise.

"The hell I am. I wouldn't take a penny from him. I earned every dollar of that myself and…."

"No, no, no, no, no Boots….." he wanted to cry but that wasn't fair, he didn't deserve tears because he hadn't ask, he hadn't been there. He'd turned the other cheek.

"How did you all think I was doing it? You thought Mike Vincent was taking magic beans for his counsel?"

"I didn't think…."

"No! No I realise that! You just came in here throwing your weight around and judging things you have no right to anymore! You walked out Calvin! You left! We were best friends, we were family and you walked away and that is _fine_ but you **do not** get to judge or question how I choose to glue together the pieces of my broken fucking life."

"You can't pay for your fucking lawyer with…"

"Fucking money?" she laughed, it was icy and sharp and slightly hysterical, "Literally _fucking_ money? Where the hell did y'all think I was getting that kind of cash?"

"You can't do it Texas!"

"Who are you to tell me I can't?" she shot back, impassioned and indignant in her shame.

"This is too much, Tex! You've gone too far! You're drunk and off your face on pills at 2.30 in the afternoon! You're sleeping with Johnny who beat you and raped you and calling him home?!"

"Stop it!"

"This is **not** you!"

"It is now!"

"I CAN'T LOSE YOU!" he yelled, right in her face, his breath hot on her skin.

Staggering backward, falling clumsily against the counter she just blinked in stunned silence. He stared right back at her, his blood thundering through his veins, his heartbeat pulsing in his ears as he swallowed an impossibly sized lump in his throat.

"Don't…." she murmured, as he reached forward and held her face in his warm hands, stroking his thumbs across her freckled cheeks. He just looked at her, the way no one else ever had.

"Do you have any fucking idea Boots?" his breathing was shallow, his eyes heavy and his voice thick. "Please, please, please, don't do this to yourself? I'm begging you."

"Get off me…." she said, with absolutely no strength of will or desire for him to do as she asked.

"I know I left, I know I quit on you and it's all coming too little too late but I'm back, and I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry….."

"Cal I…."

"I'll get you the money, just stop, okay?" he begged, his hands still holding her face. "I'm not judging, and I'm not saying we gotta cold turkey the booze and whatever else you're hooked on right now. That'll take some time, but no more Johns and no more Johnny….." his face was broken, desperate, heart achingly frantic, "… please?"

"I know that you…."

"I can't stand it. You're not trash; you're not all the things you think you are, the things they've made you believe you are. You're beautiful, Tex, you're gorgeous and the thought of them touching you makes me want to crawl out of my skin. I get that you're hot, that's blindingly obvious to anyone with eyes but….." leaning forward he pressed his forehead against hers and, against fierce resistance, let out a choked sob, "… and that isn't what makes you gorgeous and they don't see that and it's fucking wrong. I can't stand it."

"Okay, okay, mi vida, I won't…" she said in a small but determined voice, throwing her arms around his neck and murmuring into his ear, "… for you, I won't, I swear it. I promise: you have my word."

"And Tex?" he asked, pulling away and waiting for her eyes to find his. "You ever get lonely and you call me, okay? You call **me** when you're scared, you call **me** when you need someone, you got that?"

* * *

"I'm sorry, Evie."

"Sorry?" asked Eve, folding the last of her laundry pile and lifting her eyes to Olivia who was standing in the doorway. She wasn't sure how long she had been there. "You okay Mom?"

"I haven't been, for a while now. I know that you've seen that, you've felt it. I'm sorry for that, truly Evie. I can't really explain it, because I don't fully understand it myself. All I can say is that it's taken me these few months since the operation to start to feel myself again."

"And do you?" because that was all that truly mattered, realised Eve, heart in mouth. "Do you feel yourself again?"

"I think so."

"That's good."

"I don't know how it happened that I gained a kidney and lost myself. I just know that it wasn't fair on you kids, or your father come to that, and I can only apologise."

"Don't, don't apologise Mom. I only wish there was more I could've done. I knew you were hurting….." smoothing the top of her laundry pile Eve felt her throat closing, clenching and her eyes welling with tears, "…. and that is the **worst** feeling."

"Come here…." beckoning with her hands, standing open armed Olivia waited for Eve to come to her and then held her tight against her chest. "I love you, sweet girl, so very much."

"I love you too Mom and I'm sorry too, I'm sorry I didn't try harder to…."

"Don't think I haven't seen you struggling too…." cutting deliberately into Eve's apology Olivia narrowed her eyes with concerned, "… I don't think I've been the only one to lose themselves a little, have I?"

"Is it that obvious?" shrugged Eve sadly, closing her eyes with the relief of a thousand lifetimes.

"To me it is….." said Olivia simply, grabbing for Eve's hand and leading her over to the bed where they could sit together. "What's going on?"

"I don't know. I wish I did."

"I think that you know I've been speaking to George Huang lately. It might not have initially been my choice but I can't deny that it's helped. He's woken me up to a few things that I think I'd been in denial about, thoughts and feelings I thought I'd nixed a long, long time ago that it turns out are still influencing my choices."

"Yeah?"

"I took your Dad with me earlier today and we visited my mother's grave. I haven't done that in years and I don't know why. It's not like I don't think about her."

"You don't talk about her much…." noted Eve, not feeling as though she wanted to say too much, lest Olivia stop talking. She wanted her to keep talking forever.

"Because it hurts, right?" shrugged Olivia, reaching out and pushing a curtain of hair over Eve's shoulder. "It's easier day to day to just leave it alone, to not talk about it, to just push on and ignore it. She's still my mother, I still have a million feelings surrounding that part of my life."

"You were talking a lot about, well, stuff I know that happened to you on the job. When you were in the hospital you were having nightmares. I heard you say stuff…."

"If you want me to talk about it then…."

"Do you want to talk about it?" asked Eve, because she wasn't entirely sure what her own answer was. She knew her mother had seen darkness too, and it gave her strength to know she too was a survivor. She wasn't sure, however, that she needed any more mental pictures of the torture Olivia had endured than she already had pieced in her mind from overhearing Olivia's screams and ramblings in the hospital. It was so incredibly painful to imagine anyone hurting the person she loved most, the person she believed invincible.

"Evie Grace the truth is that my biggest nightmare already came true. I spent decades fighting and advocating for victims and maybe sometimes I got too attached, maybe I got too involved with helping them become survivors. If we're being honest, though, and I really want to be completely honest with you the way we always used to be…."

"My rape?" swallowed Eve, seeing in Olivia's eyes what she was struggling to say before she actually had to find the words.

"No pain you experience yourself ever comes close to seeing your child hurt."

"But I'm okay, Mom. Honestly, I survived it and I'm living my life. I was lucky, the way I see it. Not because it happened to me, but because I could come home to you. Do you have _any_ idea the strength you gave to me after San Francisco?"

"I…."

"Do you have any idea the strength you give anyone?" it was Olivia's turn to feel tears now, hot and salty. They reached her lip and she tasted them on her tongue. Eve reached out, one hand on her mother's arm the other on her cheek, stroking a thumb across new rivulets carrying light traces of mascara.

"I wasn't there Evie. It's my job to protect you, to keep you safe and I wasn't there…."

"Mom? Momma?" grabbing Olivia's face with both hands now Eve shook it ever so lightly, "Stop? Please?"

"Do you have nightmares?" they were mother and daughter, that would always be true, but in that moment Olivia walked them over a new bridge. Steps to a brave new world, one on which they were equals, they were friends, they were survivors in arms. "Do you…."

"Yes."

"So then you know….." it was an odd commonality, a tragic one, but a beautiful one in that moment as Eve's eyes looked deep into hers and their souls recognised one another.

"I know, Mom. I know."

"I've missed you Evie…" choked Olivia, the words pinched as she threw her arms around Eve and cradled her, rocking gently side to side, "… terribly. I'm so sorry if I put any distance between us."

"Oh Momma….." sobbing heavily, her chest rising and falling and her heart thundering Eve hugged Olivia close. "Just promise you'll talk to me? I'm not a kid, I'm not a little girl, I'm not fragile and I won't break."

"But you're not okay, are you sweetheart?" moving the dial, turning the wheel back to Eve as they remembered the steps to their dance Olivia sat back. "You're putting on a good show but you're not even close to happy right now, are you love?"

"I…."

"Hold that thought….." said Olivia as the baby monitor on the bedside table emitted a familiar hungry cry. "

"It's fine, I'm fine, I…."

"Is there milk in the fridge?"

"Yeah, yeah I pumped this morning so…."

"Okay so here's what we're going to do, my love. We are going to grab a baby each and we'll feed and talk, how does that sound?"

"Perfect." Said Eve, nodding through fresh tears as Olivia grabbed her hand and they headed to the twins' room together.


	14. Something Good Will Come Out Of This

"I am exhausted."

"I told you that…"

"Oh hush, this has _nothing_ to do with my invalid status!" laughed Olivia, waving a dismissive hand. Plucking the yellow rubber gloves from her hand with a satisfying pop she folded them into one another and threw them at the sink. "We just have a giant house that I am getting far too old to keep cleaning every week."

"Remember when we used to pay the kids a few dollars to have them do it?" smirked Elliot, wiping dirty mud covered hands on his t-shirt and removing his yard shoes. "Those trees aren't playin' either. I don't think I can tackle that long side of the yard myself, we're gonna have to call in a professional."

"Elliot Stabler admitting defeat…." she teased, her face as completely beautiful to him as it ever had been, "… where's my phone, can we video this?"

"You're not funny."

"I'm hilarious."

"Nope."

"Yup."

"I think there's only one way to wipe that smug off your face…." his grumble came more as a growl as he grabbed her wrist and dragged her toward him, "… come here."

"Unhand me you filthy creature!" she laughed, pulling a face at being hugged by his dirty shirt and hands."

"You have no idea…." murmured Elliot, finding her lips and kissing her. Gentle at first, then with increasing urgency, they both found each other again in a way that they hadn't since their operations.

"I've missed this…." a little breathless Olivia pulled away, blinking slowly, a little light-headed from the intensity of their reignited desire.

"It will **never** go away…." he vowed, his arms at the small of her back, stroking with a strength of need, love and belonging that made both of them ache, "… you're still the hottest woman in every room Mrs Stabler."

"Shut up!" she dismissed, tossing her eyes. Then, sobering, she twisted the corners of her mouth to a suggestive smile, "You're aging like a fine wine yourself, Detective."

"Let's downsize."

"Is that a euphemism?" she shot back drily, not missing a beat.

"O-livia!" he mocked, blue eyes glittering. "Just to check, this is gonna end up with us…."

"Downsizing?" she snorted, wrinkling her nose and adoring how he never failed to make her laugh. Elliot was fun, for all his faults he had always been able to find her smile. "But seriously, are you for real? You want us to sell this place?"

"No, nah, not if we can afford it."

"What we try buy somewhere else?"

"Calvin and Evie are gonna have to live somewhere, and they're not gonna come close to affording anywhere in the greater New York area that's big enough. Who knows what Sammy will want when he comes back from travelling but this place is his too if he wants it."

"I see what you're saying."

"I love this house, babe. Its chock full of memories, and really great ones. It's where we raised our babies, and I don't want to lose any of that. I just don't want to spend all our time keeping up to it anymore. I'm too old and you're too pretty."

"You're _quite_ the charmer today, aren't you?" she chuckled.

"It'll be a stretch and maybe the five of us will need to come up with something together. I'm not saying we're gonna be able to afford anything fancy, but we'll get a little creative. I don't really much care exactly where it is as long as it's got you there."

"Are we really here? Talking about growing old together?" she asked, her palms flat against his chest. She could feel his familiar heartbeat.

"I can't tell if you're happy or sad…." he said, a little clunky, a little haphazard in these moments as he'd always been. She only loved him more for it. "I just wanna take care of you, Liv. I wanna go for long walks in our city, I wanna sit and waste whole mornings over a pot of coffee in a little café. I wanna just hang out with you; we don't need all this space to do that."

"I just want to hang out with you too, my love….." she smiled, a wide smile, a blissfully contented smile, "… I love you, Elliot Stabler. More than you know."

"I love you more, Benson."

"That's something I haven't heard in a while."

"And yet to me you'll always be the spitfire that blew into SVU and changed everything….." kissing her tenderly, he spoke with his lips against hers, "…. completely for the better."

"We have to be close enough to look after the babies. I don't want a second less time with CJ and Livi."

"Agreed."

"I still need to figure out how to help Texas, get her in a programme, and figure out how to make things work so she can be a Mom to Leni."

"I will help with that."

"When Sam comes home he gets a say in this: full disclosure. This does not automatically mean that Cal and Evie get the house just because they have a family. That's not fair to Sammy."

"Agreed, we'll all sit down."

"Okay then, I guess I'm in, let's see what's out there for a couple of old folks."

"Hey we're not so old!" he grinned, moving his hands south from her waist and winking.

"So we haven't, well, you know, since…." she said slowly, biting a little on her lip.

"How'd you feel about that?"

"Ermm….." her face was a picture, and he couldn't help but laugh as she answered honestly, "… frustrated?"

"I meant how you are feeling health wise?" he said with concern. Then, a little unsure, he added, "And you had a rough time for a while there, it stirred up a lot of stuff, you know, head space wise and…."

"So maybe we just take it slow…." she said softly, her hands playing with the bottom hem of his shirt, her face breath close to his.

"Yeah?"

"Yes….." she nodded, meeting his eyes and reaching for his hand to lead him towards the bedroom.

* * *

"You cut your hair?"

"Is it ugly?" asked Texas, grabbing a handful of her now just past shoulder length hair self-consciously. "Your face is unnerving."

"No! No it's not ugly it's…." it framed her face, it made her look younger, she was beautiful and he just smiled, "… you look great. It's just different is all: you've always had long hair, ever since you were a kid."

"Yeah well maybe it's time I grew up…." dismissed Texas, uncomfortable with discussing herself for too long of a period, "…. would you grab that bag for me?"

"Mamá! Un caracol!" declared Elena, tiny pink trainers running in earnest across the grass. Both her little hands were clenched into a first and Texas winced slightly for the poor creature inside.

"Or at least it used to be…." she muttered under her breath, watching Elena's feet moving faster than the rest of her body was able to keep up to, "… no corras mija. Camina, por favor!"

"Look Mommy it's a snug…." uncurling tiny fingers slowly and carefully the little girl presented her treasure proudly for her mother to inspect.

"It's not a slug, mija, it's a snail. In English your little friend here is a snail…." then with an impish smirk Texas suggested, "… you should show your Uncle Calvin, he loves snails."

"¡Mira!" said Elena, turning her attention to Calvin while poking the creature in her palm with an encouraging finger.

"Me gusta, Leni Legs…." he laughed, grabbing at Elena's elbows and drawing her closer. "Can I get a hug? Can your Uncle Cal have some Leni love?"

"Sure!" throwing her little arms around his neck she hung swinging there, her little eyes peering over his shoulder like it was a fortress that held her safe. "Now can I go play some more?"

"You can, mija but remember I still need to be able to see you at all times. You understand? No further than that swing over there….." gesturing to the park only a few meters away from where she and Calvin sat on the grass Texas insisted, "… you still need to be able to hear me if I call you."

"Okay….." nodded Elena, her face very serious until she broke a bright smile and dashed over to press a tender kiss on Texas' cheek, "… I love you Mamá!"

"I love you too gorgeous girl."

"So she is _hilarious_ and that snail is a gonner."

"And you are full of surprises yourself, guapo…." teased Texas, turning to him and challenging, "¿Habla español?"

"Only what you taught me!" he laughed, popping open a can of soda and taking a swig.

"Oh, okay, so then we'll need to edit you around Elena!" she cackled, opening a can of her own. Calvin felt a warmth wash over him, hearing her laugh, knowing she was clean and sober and her very best self for that afternoon at least. "So let's toast, to your first weekend of freedom from Uncle Sam?"

"I can't believe it's over."

"You're not the uniform, my love….." forcing his can to clink hers she took a sip of cola and added reassuringly, "… you've got awesome things ahead of you."

"Yeah, yeah I know, I just…." trailing off Calvin just sat for a moment, letting the gravity of his situation ruminate.

He had left Fort Bragg for the last time late the previous night and driven through the darkness to get home. He had managed to convince his superiors to release him a few days early, and the intention had been to surprise Eve and the twins. As things had turned out, however, she was already mid-way through a spa day with Olivia, and Elliot had taken the twins out with Maureen and Lizzie. So he had called to see Texas instead, and found her at home finger-painting with Elena, much to his joy and relief.

"You wanna talk about it?" she offered softly, her thick black lashes shielding a complicated gaze. "I'm here, you know that."

"I count on it."

"You're not you, Cal. Right now? You're off. You don't have to talk about it, not to me, not to anyone. I just want you to know that I see it, I feel it….." biting her lip, nervous if she was saying too much Texas swallowed, "… you can't hide from me."

"I never could…." he smiled, reaching across and laying his hand on hers in the grass. Hold it there he looked at her, looking back at him, seeing him, and just took comfort in that.

"You want a pretzel?" retrieving her hand from under his, in a deliberate move, Texas reached behind herself and grabbed the bakery bag from inside. She felt suddenly too warm, like her skin was hot where his hand had been. Holding a pretzel outstretched she offered "We can go halves?"

"How are you doing anyway?" he asked, ripping apart his half and sinking his teeth into it hungrily. "You can't hide from me either, remember."

"I paid the lawyer what I owed him and told him I won't be needing his services anymore."

"Wait, what? I thought we were just gonna find you the money? I was gonna get you cash Tex, why'd you do that?"

"Because it's over, Cal."

"What is?" moving closer to her, shuffling along the grass, he shook his head and locked her eyes. "What's over? You're not giving up?"

"I love that little girl, I love my daughter, more than anything. I just can't fight this anymore. It's too big, and I won't ever win. I'm not angry, I'm not anything anymore, because they're right."

"No! No Tex!"

"Gil isn't a bad person, and Nick is kind and smart and they weren't doing any of this to hurt me. They were doing it for her. I just can't fight them when they're right. Everything they're saying? Cal you know it's true. I'm not really clean, and I'm sure as hell not sober. I'm collecting glasses to scrape rent on your Mom's old place."

"I can help you with all of that!"

"No, no you can't, mi cariño….." and then quietly, gently but firmly she shrugged, "… I don't want you to."

"So you're just letting Gil have full custody? Just like that?"

"It's what's best for Leni."

" **You** are what's best for her! You're her mom!"

"Calvin I can't do it to her. I can't drag her up the way Vivi dragged you. It's not fair, it's not right. I want to be in her life, I want to do everything I can for her, but I gotta be realistic. Remember what it was like Cal? Remember when you were a little boy? I was there, I remember. Just waiting, just watching, never knowing one day to the next whether Viv would be able to hold her shit together, let alone take care of you."

"You are **not** my mother…."

"But I'm like her…." whispered Texas, reaching once more for his hand, needing to connect with him physically in that moment, "… we both know it's true."

"You can't give up on Leni, babe!" he sighed, tossing his free hand aside and reaching to grab her face, squeezing her cheek in his hand. "You can't give up on her."

"I'm giving up **for** her."

"No!" he insisted, stroking a rough thumb over her cheek as she inclined her head into his warm palm. "Don't do this to her!"

"Don't you get it? I'm doing it **for** her, Calvin. I'm not your mother, I'm not Viv. I'm stronger than she was. If I had have been your mother all those years ago there is no way in hell I would've snatched you back from Olivia Benson. I'd have _begged_ her to rescue you, to raise you."

"Oh Tex…." he sighed, sliding his hand to the nape of her neck and dragging her close enough to hug.

"It's the right thing to do. I could fight and even if I won she'd lose. I can't raise her on my own; I can't give her everything she deserves. I whored myself out to pay the lawyer, that's not a great start, is it!" she laughed self-deprecatingly, pulling back from their embrace and rolling her eyes.

"I hate this Tex, but I'll back you. I'll back you every damn time if it's what you really want and you know it."

"I'm broke and I am broken Cal. I'm trying, I'm really trying but I can't stand up in court and lie that I'm anything other than a mess. I can't pretend that me having custody of Elena is the right thing for her."

"So what's the plan? We gonna talk to Gil and Nick? Figure out when you're gonna see her, get something down in writing. I want it in writing, Tex. I want to make sure they don't cut you out of Leni's life."

"Yeah, yeah I'm gonna talk to them."

"I wish it was different than this….." said Calvin quietly, so bitterly sad at how unjust it all seemed. "It isn't fair, it just isn't fair."

"Life isn't fair, Arliss…." she smiled, so graceful in her defeat, so brave in her pain. "I'm more use to Leni as a part time Mom than a full time mess. I don't want her to have to take care of me the way we took care of Viv. I can't bring her that pain. Living with an addict is brutal, but when you're so tiny and that addict is your mother and it's too cruel. I gotta sort myself out before I can be the mother she deserves."

"I'm sorry….." he chocked, tears threatening and he locked his jaw against it. "I've let you down, Tex. I couldn't done more. I **should've** done more. It should never have fucking come to this…."

"Hey? Hey, eyes?" she ordered, crawling forward on her knees and grabbing his face with both hands. "Stop it, stop that right now."

"We gotta get you clean, Texas. We gotta get you sobered up and…."

"Yeah, yeah of course, I know, I will try."

"I mean it….." he said, locking her eyes on his, refusing to look away, "… you have no fucking idea how much I…."

"I'm really glad you're home."

"Me too, Boots….." he said, drawing her back into a tight hug, "… me too."

* * *

"I went to talk to Nick yesterday."

"Oh yeah?" said Olivia, popping a strawberry into her mouth and savouring its sweetness. "How come?"

"This place is insane!" noted Eve, as they sat together in matching white robes with their hair in towel chignons. Their nails were freshly painted, their faces fresh from a clay mask. Eve was enjoying a freshly squeezed glass of orange juice, while Olivia indulged in a small glass of fizz.

"Thank you for treating me!" replied Olivia, taking a sip from her glass before bringing the conversation back around. "So you actually went to the precinct then, or?"

"I had to talk to him about Texas. This thing has all gotten out of hand. I mean I know she's not perfect, I know she's struggling, but aren't we all, right?"

"Wow, Eve that's a big statement."

"It's a big deal. I now know from the frontline how hard it is having a kid!"

"Well that's true…." Smiled Olivia warmly, seeing something changed in Eve after their recent talks.

"It's brutal on your emotions and it brings up a million and one feelings you thought you'd drowned out a long time ago. So Tex has been drinking, taking a few pills, after what she's been through we shouldn't be punishing her for that! It doesn't change how much she loves Leni. Maybe if Gil had been a little less quick to play the self-righteous…."

"Woah, wait a second, sweetheart! Where is this all coming from?"

"I'm just angry Mom. Why is life so unfair? Why does it just kick people when they're down? If Gil fell out of love with her then fine, that's sad and confusing, but what he's doing is just cruel. It's sure as hell not in Leni's best interests. Why can't they come to some sort of arrangement out of court? Are we really saying that she's a danger to her own kid?"

"I've never heard you talk like this before…." marvelled Olivia, this time taking more of a glug than a sip of her champagne. "What's gotten you so…."

"I'm done being a child about everything. I'm done with perfect, and fluffy, and I'm done with waiting like I'm just going to wake up one day and feel like my old self again. I'm ready to move on with my life and I don't know what that means. What that looks like. So I guess I just saw something that I could try and do something about, something that I did know how to fix, and I went to try."

"I know that you've been feeling a little lost lately. It sounds like you've started to work through that. Are you okay?" not quite sure how to approach this shift, this change, this newly forming Eve her mother tread cautiously.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm coming off as….." gasping, a little embarrassed, Eve covered her face with her hand for a moment. "I just feel like I'm starting to wake up, to a lot of things. I guess for a while I was sort of just, well, drifting. A guess numb, maybe. I think I'm starting to see things a little clearer now."

"Well I think it's great…."

"That I've moved from sulky and passive to angry and obnoxious?" then flashing a little smile Eve found her mother's eyes. "You must be so proud."

"I am proud, more than you know."

"Stop!" laughed Eve, having a far tighter grip on humility than she had ever had before. "You can call me on it, please do, if I'm losing my mind."

"Honestly?" shrugged Olivia, her smile wide and relieved. "I was more worried when you weren't angry."

"Okay…."

"After everything that happened you dealt with it so bravely, so stoically. You moved to North Carolina and you had the babies and you got on with your life. You were supportive of Calvin, a wonderful mother. Nothing was wrong, Evie, but something wasn't quite right either."

"Really?" it had taken them a while to find one another again, but for the first time in a long time Eve felt Olivia's blood in her veins again.

"You're not _going_ to be the same person you were before you left for San Francisco. The same way I'm not the same person I was before….."

"Talk about it…." said Eve, unblinking, reaching for Olivia's hand, "… please?"

"He took things from me that I have never been able to get back. He took pieces of myself that are gone forever and it changed me. It made me afraid of things I wasn't before; it made me afraid of myself sometimes. It took me to places so dark, so deafening that I'm ashamed to even admit the thoughts I have."

"Don't stop…." begged Eve, sliding forward in her chair and grabbing both her mother's hands.

"I am angry, I'm furious! He beat me, he humiliated me, he took my dignity and my strength and it was degrading and debasing and I still feel dirty sometimes…." and then she said the words that brought hot tears to Eve's eyes, "… and I wasn't even raped!"

"Oh hell no!" cried Eve, shaking her head vehemently. "Don't say that! Don't you say that Mom!"

"Sweetheart…."

"I'm angry too, Mom. I feel all those things, sometimes it feels like it's crushing me. Like I can't breathe let along explain it to Cal. I know those things you feel: I know what's in your head. I wish you'd talked to me, I wish I'd known. I'm sorry I didn't ask…." squeezing Olivia's hands tight Eve shrugged, "…. I'm so sorry that I didn't come to you either. I just didn't know how."

"And that's okay, don't you apologise. There is no right way, no wrong way of dealing with what you went through. God knows I've helped enough survivors to know that. We're talking now, that's what matters."

"Mom I didn't just go to SVU today to try and help Texas, though that was partly why. I guess a little of the selfish Evie Stabler is still in there somewhere after all…. "

"How'd you mean?"

"I wanted to talk to Nick before I talked to you because there's been something on my mind lately. Not just because I admire you so much, not just because I'm a survivor but…."

"What are you trying to tell me, sweetheart?" a little panicked now, Olivia's brows were tightly knitted.

"When I was a little girl I said over and over, embarrassingly once to an entire assembly hall, that when I grew up I wanted to be my mother."

"I remember!" laughed Olivia, lightening a little to remember a seven year old Evie declaring that to her entire school.

"Because you were my Mom, because I adored you, because everything was better when you were around and I wanted to be just like that."

"You give me too much credit, my love, but…."

"I want to apply to the Academy, Mom."

"What?" blindsided Olivia sat up in her chair, lost words for a moment, before swallowing, "The Police Academy?"

"Are you mad with me?" unusually unable to read Olivia in that moment, Eve's pulse quickened, "Do you think it's a terrible idea?"

"No, no sweetheart, I don't but…."

"I've got a lot to learn. I'm not naïve. I know that I'll have to work hard; I know that it won't be easy, but I think it could be what I'm meant to do. I don't want to feel lost, or helpless, or angry. I want to feel purpose. I want to be for other people what you've been for me and Sammy, for Calvin, for Texas."

"Evie…." mouthed Olivia, speechless.

"I'm smart, I'm stronger than I've been lately, and if I find even _half_ the good in me that you have in you then maybe I can help other survivors. I can't find the Evie I was before because she doesn't exist…." the words, and emotion caught in Eve's throat and she took a moment to centre herself again. "I'm not shiny anymore. I've changed. I'm a different person than I was before, and I think that this might be what I'm supposed to do next. I think that helping other survivors lost like I've been might be what I'm meant to do."

"This is a big decision. This is huge, baby. You gotta know that?"

"I know, I know, but what do you think? I have to know what you think about it?" because of every opinion in the world, Olivia's was the one that carried the most weight with Eve.

"I think that it sounds like you've found your voice again."

"Really?"

"I tried to raise a strong, confident little girl and I never wanted you to lose that. I hate that he took it from you. I hate that he winded you and I want you to do whatever you can to get your strength back. I have my reservations; I want us to talk about this, a lot, before you many any decisions. Talk to your father, talk to Fin, talk to Calvin."

"But do you think I'd be any good at it?"

"I think that hearing you talk about Texas just now, you sounded like an advocate. She's family, she's Texas to us but she's a survivor too and she needs help. You and I are angry but she's…. "

"She's lost her voice?" said Eve quietly. "She called Johnny, Mom. That's not right, right? That's kind of scary?"

"Texas is complicated, Evie…." sighing heavily Olivia pinched the bridge of her nose and held her breath. "She's a survivor in every sense of the world but she's not as tough as she likes to make out. If you've been knocked down as many times as she has it changes how you see the world. It changes how you see yourself. You can't just see it as rapist and victim when it cuts as deep as that situation does."

"Teach me, Mom."

"Teach you what, sweetie?"

"To see it. To see it through your eyes. Teach me how do you do what did…." the words came steady, resolute, from Eve's determined lips, "… how to do what you still do."

"You have to know Evie Grace that as your mother this is the scariest conversation we have ever had."

"But will you have it?" pushed Eve, unflinching, "Will you have the conversation with me?"


	15. My Mistakes Were Made For You

"You've gotten so big, my little buddy, you're feet are only just fitting into this thing."

"They grow, babe….." smiled Eve, watching Calvin dress Livi with CJ pinned expertly with his other elbow, "… did you miss that memo?"

"You think we're doing alright?" he asked, suddenly painfully vulnerable and it stole her smile.

He was a good man, a really good man. How had anyone ever questioned his worth? How had anyone ever believed him to be undeserving of her? In that moment it felt to her quite the opposite. In that moment to her things had never seemed so easy and so hard. She had never held such confusion and clarity simultaneously.

"I think that we're doing better than alright, Cal. They're happy, they're healthy, they're smart..."

"Your genes…" he noted, pulling a face at his son who gave a burbling chuckle in response. "This little guy has my shoulder's though. I think we might have ourselves a full back in the works."

"I thought all boys wanted to be starting quarterback?" laughed Eve lightly, remembering her brother suddenly. "Sammy never wanted anything else. He never _talked_ about anything else!"

"I dunno, maybe. I guess I always had a soft spot for the big guy. Sure the pretty boy can run the ball but I know who I'd want to have my back off the field."

"Calvin I want to join the Academy. I know I mentioned it earlier and you wanted some time, but I'm serious."

"I know you are. I just, well, I needed a minute because…." buttoning Livi into her suit he lifted his daughter onto his shoulder, and then scooped CJ up into the nook of his arm with his free hand, "… this changes everything."

"I guess it does."

"Have you even thought about that? What this means for our family?" he said, not so much accusatory as practical. The entire concept scared him. "I'll back you, sure I will. Of course I do, always. If you want it then we'll make it happen. If this is what you think you're meant to do then I support you."

"It sounds like you're swallowing a 'but' there?" said Eve quietly, and there was suddenly a strange feeling in the air. They were talking about the future, a new beginning, and yet her stomach held a knot that felt like an ending.

"Nope, no but, you go for it. I'll take care of the babies. It's my turn, right?" he shrugged, and everything was always so practical with him. "You've waited for me all this time. You stayed at home with the babies, you took care of the house all the time while I was gone. I guess now it's my turn to wait for you."

"I don't know…."

"What'd you mean you don't know?" he asked, a little startled. Eve took Livi from him, pacing up and down and patting the baby's back. It was soothing to her as much as anything. "I mean it's easy, right? We're back in New York. You do your thing and I just put the car shop on hold until you're done."

"For how long? Cal this isn't a whim, this isn't a temporary thing. I want to be a police officer. I want to be a sex crimes detective one day. It's not going to happen overnight, and if we go into this then it isn't short term. If I choose this career then I have to go into it with both feet; I have to go all in. I just want to make sure that you understand that. I don't think you're going to be able to wait."

"I love you, Bambi. Why are you talking so sad?" he puzzled. "We can fix this, we can make it work. Just tell me what you need and I'll do it."

"I want you to be happy Calvin. I don't want you to wait for me. I don't want you to have to put your life on hold. I'm not saying that we can find a way to figure this all out, I'm not saying anything. I just don't want you to have to give up your dreams for me and…."

"The way you had to for me?" he said flatly, as it became painfully clear what she was saying, and how she was seeing their situation. "Is that what this is?"

"Not at all, please don't think that. I loved Bragg, I was happy there. I was so raw and broken and it was safe and it was _everything_ that I wanted and needed. Don't ever think that I resent it, don't ever think that I have regrets."

"So what are you saying?"

"We were so young when we started out Calvin."

"No, nah, no you don't get to…."

"I think we need to take a beat."

"No!" he replied vehemently. CJ was sitting high on his chest, big eyes watching intently. "We do not need to do that."

"I'm not saying forever, but you can't think that I'm wrong? You can't honestly look me in the eye and tell me that you're completely happy right now?"

"Who is ever completely happy Evie?" he shrugged, pushing air out from between pursed lips and turning away from her in frustration.

"I love you Calvin Arliss…." moving toward him she touched a hand on his shoulder, stroked it lightly and then pressed a kiss against his t-shirt. "But you saying that is exactly why I know I'm right. Why I need you to realise I am too. We are way too young to be here. We both deserve a chance to at least _try_ to…."

"I don't want to just give up on the shop…." he mumbled, in the spirit of total honesty. "Can't we do both?"

"Maybe, sure, maybe we can. Is that what you want?"

"I guess…."

"What **do** you want?" she asked, turning him around to face her, pouring over his face. So open, so kind, so completely the same boyish looks she had fallen headlong, eyes wide open in love with as a teenager. "If you could wave a magic wand? If you could….."

"Well that's dumb for a start."

"If you could make anything happen? If you could have anything in the world what would it be? What would it be for us? You and me? The babies?"

"Why are you making this so complicated?" he protested, still struggling to find the same page she was on. "I don't get what's going on with you."

"I don't get it either, babe, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that I can't explain this better and I'm sorry if it hurts you. I just need some time, some space to figure out what I want. I need you to know what it is you want. Not just making me happy, not just making the babies happy but what **you** want Cal. What will make you happy?"

"I feel a hundred thousand miles away from you right now Evie Grace….." his throat tightened, his chest clenched, as he confessed, "… and I don't think that that's a new feeling."

"No, no I know it isn't."

"You want me to move out?" he shrugged, conceding her plan.

"What do you want to do?" she asked, because he had to be a part of this. If they were going to work this out then he had to be as much a part of finding the cure as he was.

"You stay here, stay with your family. I'll find someplace."

"Cal….."

"They stay with you, but I get to see the babies all the time…." without hesitating a beat he added, "… all the time Evie."

"Any time you want, you have my word. I promise, Cal."

"Because they're my kids, Evie. I'm their father. Whatever the hell is going on here between us doesn't change that. I already missed too damn much."

"Calvin I swear….."

"Okay then."

"You don't have to go anywhere you know. You can stay here and…."

"I'll talk to Fin; see if he's got any place for me at his. If we're gonna do this we might as well…." heaving a weary sigh he moved away, turned away, walked from the room, "… whatever."

* * *

"You like this one?"

"Do you?" asked Olivia, pulling a face and casting her eyes around the compact little apartment they had taken all of ten minutes to tour in its entirety. "It's small, right?"

"I mean that's kind of the idea. We're downsizing so it's going to feel smaller than home."

"I know, I get that, so many this just isn't quite the right one yet. Where to next?" she asked, and Elliot shuffled the papers in his hand. "I guess we wait for Betty in there to lead the way. She seems to have this situation handled."

"She's also seemingly gotten the purchase of my zimmer frame and corrective footwear in hand so…."

"Oh stop, Liv, you're terrible!" she had always had a dry wit, but it made Elliot chuckle to see Olivia get ever sharper in her old age. She may have had her physical tests, but her mind was as quick as it ever had been. Far quicker than his would ever be.

"So I spoke to Evie yesterday….." said Olivia, as they followed Betty the realtor's beckoning and headed back toward the car.

"Does this have anything to do with a call I got from Fin earlier?" he knew it did, but this was how they worked. The back and forth, the constant circle, the assurance that they were both entirely in the loop. Partners for life. "He wants me to go help him fix up his spare room for an inbound house guest."

"Cal's moving in with him for a while. They're having a break, taking some space. That's what she called it."

"What'd you think?" he asked, visibly worried. "I don't know what I think, for what that's worth. I mean they're not the same. They haven't been the same for a long time. I can't really place exactly when they stopped being them but it's not like I can pretend I haven't noticed it."

"I think it's a compound fracture."

"For those of us not professionally trained in head shrinking?" he smiled, grabbing for her hand because he knew they both needed that connection to have this conversation.

"She was sixteen years old when she fell in love with him, hard, completely, but she was a child. Maybe if she'd not gone to college, maybe if San Francisco had never happened, maybe if he'd not gone in the Army. There's a list to high heaven of what ifs but the truth is that our girl isn't the same person she was when they got married."

"But you grow together, right? That's not unrealistic…." though once he had fought tooth and nail to keep Calvin and Evie apart, there was something unbearable to Elliot now to see them bending to break.

"I want them to work. I want them to figure it out. For the two of them and for the kids. I want our grandbabies to have their parents together."

"At what cost?" said Elliot quietly, turning and meeting her gaze. "Two parents together and miserable? Is that better? I know what you mean though, about all of it. Calvin hasn't changed an inch but Evie…."

"Calvin won't ever change. He's tried, he's still trying, to be everything to her: to be everything for her. She can't make him something he isn't and she can't pretend he is anything other than he is. He's always been completely honest, right from the start and she does know that. She loves him, I know that much hasn't changed."

"I just want what's best for our baby girl, Liv. Lately she's seemed better, she's seemed brighter. This talk about joining NYPD, she's alive again. I don't want to lose that."

"Me neither."

"I don't know that I'm entirely comfortable with her joining the force, either, I gotta be honest. I just remember what it was like when she was little. You couldn't hold her down. Through high school, going to Brown, anything she fixed her mind on. You couldn't hold her down, and that is a world away from the Evie that couldn't pick herself up off the mat this past year or two."

"You know it's funny, there is one person that I would give anything to talk to about this."

"Sammy?" smiled Elliot, nodding in agreement.

"He knows his sister, and he knows what it's like to have to find your way back. To figure out who you are all over again in a completely different time and place."

"So what do we do now? How do we help them?"

"I think we do nothing, babe. We are there for them, we listen, and we make sure they know we've got their backs whatever they decide, but I think this is something they have to figure out on their own."

"Damn it, I thought you might say that."

"Come on, for the next hour or two at least let's just go check out the next shoe box….."

* * *

"To fucking up my marriage!"

"You didn't fuck up, Calvin. She's just going through some stuff. Give her time, she'll come around, you'll see…." with an encouraging smile Texas chinked her glass against his and they downed their drinks.

"She won't talk to me. I don't get it. I used to be able to make her happy."

"Oh mi cariño….."

"It's not fun anymore Tex. I'm a shitty person saying that but it's true. It's hard work being married. I'm not good at it. I can't get it right."

"Are you done throwing yourself a pity party for one already?" she snorted, rolling heavily kohl lined eyes and ordering them up another round of drinks. "You're just drunk and melany."

"Whose Melanie?" he smirked, knowing exactly what she meant but enjoying teasing her too much to let her misspeak go unmentioned. "Melancholy?"

"Screw you!" she huffed, lolling against him as she leaned over for a straw. "You're being an asshole, my friend. Evie went through hell and however she chooses to get through that is her business. You're just supposed to be there for her. Fun or otherwise."

"I know, I know and I'm trying. I'm trying really fucking hard but it's not working. She won't let me near her. Not to talk, not to….." twisting his face, turning away Calvin exhaled frustrated, "… ugh! And it's not even about that. I just don't know what to do, what to say. I want to look after her, but everything I do just seems wrong."

"You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Stop trying to fix her, just let her breathe. She put it all on the line for you, right? Maybe it's just your turn."

"Whose side are you on, Boots?" he smiled, knowing full well she was right. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm whining. I hear that."

"You're not happy, are you?" she said sadly, because she was on his side. Always, unflinchingly; unconditionally.

"I want to be…." he swallowed a mouthful of whiskey, hard. It felt like it hit the pit of his stomach. "It just feels like I've lost her, somehow, somewhere along the way. I've been away so much; she's been homesick for New York. We've had the babies and they're just the best thing ever, we both adore them, we do, but…."

"What do you want?" she asked simply, leaving the question wide open, giving him space to think about it and the option not to answer at all.

"I dunno…." he shrugged, deliberately not turning toward her.

Texas sat high on the bar, her long tan legs and black stilettos leading to a tiny leopard mini skirt. Her black blazer did little to contain her ample cleavage in a tight black shirt, and her hair was naturally wild. It was comforting to Calvin that she looked little different now than she had in her teens. There were lines around her eyes, her skin was a little older, but her heart was warm and she glowed despite everything her body had weathered. She felt to him like coming home.

"Dance with me?"

"No."

"Dance with me!"

"Fuck off!" he was laughing, despite it all, and now he did turn to her. Shaking his head and smiling as she stared wide eyed and hopeful. "I don't dance, Boots. You know that."

"Yeah well I don't much care for your coping mechanism of just sitting here brooding and not talking to me. It's boring. I want to have some fun! Vamos!"

"You're so annoying."

"I can't fix your marriage, pretty boy, but I can dance out a little of that Melanie."

"You're not going quit until I sign on, are you?" he groaned, heaving himself up from the bar and waiting a moment for the room to settle. Somewhere along the way she had learned to outdrink him, and it was unnerving.

"I love this song!" she shrieked, grabbing his hand and manoeuvring them through the crowd toward the dance floor.

It was good to see her smiling, even if it was under sedation and numbing. He knew she had taken the decision to relinquish custody of Leni hard. This was her way; this was her trying to cope. He knew she felt no better, no happier than he did but she hid it well. Her smile was dazzling, her ability to mask the truth behind it as painful to watch as it was beautiful.

"You smell like I'm sixteen years old again…." he noted, as he swayed and shuffled awkwardly on the crowded dance floor. Texas was in her element, arms and legs moving effortlessly to the beat. He just watched her.

"You smell like you need a shower."

"Texas!" he balked, and she laughed her guttural devil laugh. "You're wicked."

"You love me!" she shouted, and it echoed, not around the room but inside of him. The lights were bright, blinding, and the music loud; but those three words were the only sound he heard. "Dance, guapo!"

"I am!" he tossed back, feeling himself relax a little as she grabbed at his shoulders and moved them more in time with the music than he had been managing alone. They moved perfectly in rhythm, he moved his hands to her waist. It was mesmerising. She was mesmerising.

"You feel any better yet?" leaning in close to be heard over the music her breath was hot against his ear, her cheek pressing lightly against his. Her long dangling drop earring ticked his neck and the hairs stood end.

"Yeah, yeah actually….." he replied, though she had already moved back and he knew she wouldn't hear him, "… I do."

"What?" she could see his mouth moving but couldn't hear. He felt his hands, involuntarily, almost subconsciously move from her hips to encircling her waist. "Calvin what's wrong?"

"Nothing….." he said into her ear, holding her the way he hadn't in a long time and breathing in the scent of her hair. She smelled like coconut, still, after all this time. He just smiled.

"Cal?" she asked, pulling back enough to look him in the eye. "You okay?" she pushed, suddenly terrified of whatever this was and feeling her heart thunder in panic.

"Yeah….." he nodded, still holding her, feeling himself blush.

"I need a cigarette."

"Okay, sure…." he nodded, their eyes refusing to break contact, "… we can go."

"No, no **we** can't…." she said, snapping her gaze away and reaching into the back pocket of her jeans for some cash and shoving it at him, "… you go to the bar."

"Tex…" he said, grabbing for her hand as she went to leave hurriedly.

"We're taking a timeout from dancing now!" she rushed, flashing a frenzied smile and snatching back her hand. "I'll meet you at the bar!"

* * *

"Nick?"

"Who is it?" mouthed Elliot, running his hand along the top of a counter top and deciding whether or not he could see his possessions sat atop it.

"Amaro…." mouthed Olivia, her face instantly grabbing Elliot's attention and holding it. It had fallen fifty feet since she'd picked up the phone and was developing a grey hue.

"You okay?" he said, not expecting an answer as he reached out and wrapped a hand around her forearm.

"Of course, of course yeah we'll be right there. Does Calvin know? What? Was he with her?"

"Evie?" asked Elliot, washing with a gripping fear. Olivia shook her head.

"Okay, okay we'll be right there just give us half an hour to get across the city.

"What's going on?"

"Nick just got a courteously call from a friend in one of the uniform squads. They arrested Texas last night…."


	16. Cut Out All The Ropes And Let Me Fall

**Thank you for your comments and reviews as always. I really appreciate them, both positive and negative. I would be really interested and appreciative if those reading would feel able to let me know how they are feeling about the story. I know that a few people are unhappy with where it is, feel it isn't what they were hoping for/wanting. I think it would be positive and constructive for me to know where a few more of you are at, so that I can consider where to go next or if it is something that people are even still invested in. I always try and just write from the heart and gut feeling, but if it is entirely out of tune with you all reading then it is no good. It would be really kind of you, and I would very much appreciate any comments/feedback you had time to leave J**

* * *

"Amaro, hey?"

"Olivia, so glad you're here…." all their recent tensions forgotten Nick threw his arms around his old friend, and they held each other tight for several long moments. Elliot and Nick shook hands and exchanged suitably worried looks.

"What the hell happened?" said Elliot, lifting the burden from Olivia of initiating what was only ever going to be an impossible sequence of events. "Where is she?"

"They're keeping her in, they won't bail her. The nicked her in a bar last night for assaulting a guy in the smoking area."

"Cal was with her?" said Olivia, attempting to piece together the scene.

"Yeah, yeah he was. The bottom line seems to be that the guy was taken to hospital with some serious damage done and Texas' has confessed to everything."

"But wait, that doesn't seem enough to keep her all this time…." it was like dusting off an old book, the knowledge and instinct was coming back to Elliot as he looked puzzled at Nick. "A drunken scrap? Was she physically able to do enough damage that they won't bail her?"

"She was carrying."

"Oh my sweet stupid girl…." whispered Olivia, closing her eyes and covering her face with her hands. The water was rising.

"Possession or intent?" asked Elliot, and Olivia felt so relieved that he was able to take the practical lead alongside Nick.

"Just possession, Oxy and a few rocks. It's just not her first rodeo and it's going to be hard to get her out of this."

"Thank you, for trying though…." said Elliot, in a moment of vulnerability that took Nick Amaro a little by surprise. Stabler was getting soft in his old age, he thought, or perhaps he had always just misjudged him slightly.

"Are you kidding? Guys, both of you? Liv? I want to be really clear here that I might not want Texas having sole custody, really any custody at this point of my granddaughter but I don't wish her harm. I don't wish her any ill at all and I want better for her. I want to help her. She's Leni's mother and…." reaching to Olivia's shoulder he touched it supportively, "… we're in this together. I will throw everything I've got at this. Including any sway being Captain at SVU holds."

"She's family…." said Olivia, meeting Nick's eyes and pledging her own allegiance to the cause. "She's our girl and whatever happened in that bar there's a story. The drugs are unfortunate and I can't' defend that, other than it being an addiction. The assault though? I gotta believe she didn't attack someone without cause…"

"Agreed, there's more to this."

"I'm glad you're here Stabler…." said Nick, and the two men nodded curtly at one another.

* * *

"Cal!"

"Evie…." said Calvin, moving for the first time in what felt like hours.

"I came as soon as I heard…." she said, rushing to him and hugging him close. "What happened? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I'm fine, it's just…."

"I know, Texas. My mom told me, she's speaking to Nick now. They'll be right here, he's just filling them in one what happened and then they'll…."

"It's messed up Bambi….." he mumbled, slouching back down into the plastic bucket chair in the police precinct waiting room. "It's fucked up and I wish that you weren't here. I wish that you weren't part of this. I wish I hadn't dragged you here again. I wanted you home with the babies."

"They're fine, they're with Fin. Besides, did you really think that hearing what happened I wouldn't come right now here? Calvin weren't you together? How did she end up in a fight?"

"That fucking jacket….." he cursed, as Olivia and Elliot entered the precinct and approached quietly. "I told her not to take it. It wasn't cold out. It was a warm evening and she always leaves her crap everywhere. I didn't want to have to go after it when she left it someplace."

"Hi sweetheart…." said Olivia, dragging a chair over so that she could sit beside him. Elliot stood over her, a hand on her shoulder: watchman.

"She wasn't even using. Not all night, I swear to God. We were drunk, really drunk…." lifting his eyes, shameful, he forced himself to look at Eve who didn't flinch.

"No judgement, babe. I know you were hurt…." she whispered, choosing not to turn to either of her parents but instead took her husband's hand. "I'm glad you went to her. I'm glad you still can. I don't give a crap how drunk you were we just have to get Texas out of this now."

"If she'd just left the stupid jacket at home. They were in the pocket."

"The drugs?" asked Elliot, though he needn't have. He simply wanted to show Calvin that he wasn't angry. He smiled to evidence as much. "It's okay, son. We're here with you, we're here for you: both of you."

"This isn't right….." winced Calvin and Olivia watched him. Every muscle and twitch, every inch of agony etched across his face. The fact that he had yet to look her in the eye.

"What _happened_ Cal?" asked Eve, struggling to wrap her head around the situation. "Were you there? When the police came?"

"We were at the bar and we danced a little. I didn't want to but…."

"You don't dance!" laughed Eve, and though it was pitchy and tinny Calvin appreciated how hard she was trying. "That's impressive she made you."

"I'd do anything for her….." narrowing her eyes Olivia watched him, a strange feeling creeping, "… she'd do anything for me."

"Then what happened?" pushed Elliot, not knowing how much time they had before Nick came looking for answers that could help him help Texas.

"It got a little….." his heart was pounding even remembering it, the lights, the way they'd been dancing, the look in Texas' eyes when she'd looked at him, "… hot."

"So you went outside?" asked Eve, remembering that the alleged assault had taken place in the smoking area.

"She went out to smoke and I went to the bar. I was there a while. It was busy and I couldn't get served. It pissed me off, so I wanted to leave. I went outside to fetch her and some guy was all over her. He had her up against the wall, one hand holding her wrists, the other….."

"Oh babe…." mouthed Eve, sickened at the thought.

"She couldn't hold him off. He was laughing at her. Then she hit him: hard. She hit him more than once. I tried to stop her but things got, sort of, blurry. She landed a punch that knocked him out. The cops showed up. They arrested her."

"Calvin…." began Olivia, a little hesitant, but strangely sure. He was hunched over, his arms and elbows braced against his legs, his back arched. His head was dropped low, and he was pushing his stare deep into the ground.

"I told you what happened Livia….." he said firmly, refusing to look up.

"Mom?" asked Eve, as Olivia gestured as though to swap seats.

"It's okay…." said Elliot, taking his daughter under his wing and wondering too what Olivia was doing.

"Cal look at me? Please?"

"I can't."

"Sweetheart?" sliding forward in her chair Olivia grabbed for his hands, clutching them tight in her own and then bending to kiss them. "We've been through a lot, you and me, right? We trust each other? You trust me?"

"Don't, please, I'm begging you?" he mumbled, his voice breaking slightly and Eve looked again to Elliot in distress.

"What?" she mouthed inaudibly, and Elliot simply shook his head.

"Look at me, love?" moving one hand to his face Olivia forced Calvin to lift his chin, lift his face to her and meet her eyes. "What really happened?"

"I can't….." he swallowed quietly, "…. she had me promise."

"You know I love her? You know I will do **everything** in my power to help Texas? You have my word….." vowed Olivia, her eyes locked on his, "… you have my word, sweetheart."

"I came out of the bar and I saw…."

"It's okay, breathe, I got you…." reassured Olivia, gripping his hands a little tighter.

"She was fighting him **hard** Livia. He was twice her size but she was scrapping real good. She wasn't quitting, so I started in on him. I just did what I…." shaking his head, his whole body trembling slightly Calvin shrugged, "… he needed to stop. He needed to let her go."

"What happened then Calvin?"

"No one hurts her, Livia…." he mumbled, clearing his throat, "… not while I'm still breathing."

"Texas didn't put that guy in hospital, did she sweetheart?"

"I…."

"Calvin don't you lie to me?" said Olivia firmly, refusing to let him look away.

"No, no it was me."

"Oh love…." reaching forward she drew him close, holding him in her arms and rocking lightly. "It's okay, it's okay, don't cry."

"You gotta help her, Livia! She made me promise not to tell but she can't go down for this! She didn't do anything! She just lied to protect me…."

"After you protected her…." said Olivia, looking over her shoulder and seeing Eve crying quietly into Elliot's chest.

"She didn't hesitate." Clearing his throat Calvin sat up a little, still glad that Olivia's hand was in his. "I floored the guy and he stopped moving. She hit the wall."

"What?"

"She literally punched the wall; her hand was bleeding and fucking ugly. She put it on his face. She sat on him. She just looked up at me, made me promise. Then when the cops came a few seconds later she was the coolest liar I ever saw…."

"It's going to be okay, sweetheart."

"No, no it isn't. I'm a fucking coward, Livia. I should never have fucking promised her. I should've told the truth right there and then but…."

"Why didn't you?" asked Eve, but the truth was in her deepest darkest heart she felt like she already had the answer she just didn't know it yet.

"I don't know what to do now, Livia….." said Calvin quietly, drawing air into his lungs with such labour it looked painful, "… what'd I do now?"

* * *

"You're not supposed to touch me…."

"Screw that…." said Olivia, and it stunned Texas a little from her numbed state. Melting into Olivia's arms she clung there, like a child, starving and frightened.

"You came?" said a small voice, as Texas took a seat on the opposite side of a large wooden bench from Olivia.

"I will **always** come….." said Olivia unflinchingly, "…. always Texas."

"I'm fine, you know."

"I know you are…." choosing her words carefully, knowing they had limited time Olivia took a moment, took a breath, and tried to decide where to begin. "But sweetheart I've spoken to Cal and we need to figure out what to do here."

"He told you, didn't he?" she laughed wearily.

"You had no right to have him promise what he did, sweetheart."

"They listening?" asked Texas, throwing her eyes at the mirrored glass and ceiling. "Can they hear us?"

"No, no it's just us, but not for long."

"I can handle whatever's coming. I'm not weak. I know that sounds dumb coming from an addict, coming from someone who's screwed up as much as I have. It seems like I'd be a weak person, like I'd break in prison but I won't."

"Texas this is too much!" said Olivia, despairingly. "You can't do what you're trying to do here. I know you love him…." and then despite herself, without her head checking with heart Olivia spoke from her soul, "…. and I know _just_ _ **how much**_ you love him but…."

"I'm done, Olivia."

"What?"

"I'm not saying it to get pity, and I'm not a martyr either. I'm not doing this for attention I'm just doing it for him. I lost it all. I failed at everything I ever set out to do. I failed at being a nurse, being a wife….." chewing on her cheek Texas dropped her gaze to the floor, "… being a mother."

"You did not fail at being a mother, sweetheart, you just…."

"He's got his whole life waiting for him, Liv. He's got Evie and the babies, you guys, he's got Sammy coming home before too long. Calvin has everything I ever dreamed of for him and he nearly lost it all last night. For what? For me? No, nah, not happening. I won't allow it."

"Tex…."

"He didn't even stop to draw breath Olivia. He didn't hesitate. He saw that guy with his hands on me and he Cal even think twice he just went for him."

"And did you ever stop to think why that was, sweetheart?"

"Because he's a hot headed idiot?"

"What you're doing is very brave, it is noble and kind and it speaks to a love that is beautiful and selfless, but you're missing one really important truth. You're forgetting the most important thing in all of this, the way I see it."

"What's that then?" asked Texas, doubting that Olivia could say anything at this point that would change her mind.

"Calvin needs you."

"No, no he…."

"Texas?" cutting in sharply Olivia stared at Texas, with a power and a passion that she had never seen before in anyone. "Trust me? Believe me when I say that whether he realises it or not that boy cannot live without you. You can't do this; you can't make him do this either. He put it all on the line to save you for a reason and I know you just want to do the same for him but if you make him complicit in this it'll eat him alive."

"He deserves better than being dragged back into my crap!"

"Your crap? You mean because you went to a bar and a had a few drinks? You mean because you openly _invited_ that man to sexually assault you in the yard?" she was playing hardball because she knew Texas could take it, she knew that was what she needed right now.

"It wasn't like that…."

"Were you okay with what he did?"

"No! No but what does it matter? I'd have gotten over it, it wasn't worth Calvin getting arrested for and…."

"To him it was."

"I…."

"He knows what you don't Texas. He knows that though you might not see yourself as having any worth of value it doesn't make it true. You are smart, and beautiful, and we love you. You might have given up on yourself but we sure as hell haven't given up on you."

"I love him, Olivia…." softer now, pleading, Texas added, "… please, please let me do this for him?"

"I…"

"I had drugs in my jacket, right? That's on me. This is _completely_ within my profile. Whether or not I have a rap sheet at this point matters very little to me but it will to him. It'll change his life, Liv. It'll change the course of his life and I don't want that. I'll talk to him. I'll make him understand, just please, please I am begging you. Help me to help him?"

* * *

"Okay I'm done, I'm out. I am all out of ways to fix this in a way that no one gets hurt."

"I know, I know me too."

"I feel like we've lost our grip, Liv. I feel like our family is slipping out of reach and I don't know how to stop it. I feel so damn powerless. What's even going on here anymore?"

"Right?" said Olivia quietly. The events of that morning and the previous evening were sitting heavy with both of them. Taking a moment, just the two of them, in their car outside the precinct they held hands. Tight.

"She's not wrong. Texas isn't wrong in what she's saying, this would be a game changer for Calvin if we couldn't keep assault of his record. Depending on how things go at the hospital, depending on whether or not that guy decides to press charges this will haunt him."

"And how sure are we that he won't remember who it was that threw those last punches? I mean will anyone even believe that it was Texas not a ex US Army solider who hospitalised a guy twice her size?"

"I don't know. All I know is that I'm angry, Liv."

"I know, love….." said Olivia quietly, her expression pained and her mind racing. "I am too."

"This is **not** the life I had imagined for our little girl. Right now this is a damn mess, and I don't know how much longer I can go on standing by. I get that they're adults, I get that they're free to make their own choices but right now the lot of them are making really, really stupid ones. What about our grandbabies, huh? Where are CJ and Livi in all this crap?"

"El if you're saying what I think you're saying then that is a big shout. That is a really big shout."

"She's our daughter, Olivia. Evie Grace is our daughter and Calvin is her husband."

"She'll do time El and you know it. For assault _and_ possession, with her previous cautions and her profile it'll be nigh on impossible to keep her out of jail."

"You think if Calvin owned up we could keep it off his record? Just the assault?" posed Elliot, still himself not entirely sure how to move forward or what his preferred course of action would be.

"I want to speak to my boy, El…." tapping at her phone, checking the time in Central America Olivia sighed heavily, "….it's been three days since Sammy last checked in."

"Hey, hey come here…." reaching across Elliot drew Olivia into the nook of his shoulder, feeling her head rest on him.

"I have this feeling Elliot. I've had it before and I'm not being dramatic. Today will change everything. Whatever happens next, whatever steps we take, whatever path we all walk from here on out will determine the rest of all our lives."

"Then we better make damn sure it's the right path, huh?"

"Yeah."

"It's time we got back in the driving seat of this family Olivia. You and me. I'm not saying we can do it on our own and I'm not saying we run a dictatorship but we're not out to pasture just yet. We built this, all of it. This life, this world they're currently screwing up on all sides? That's our life, that's our world. I'm not about to just stand idly by and then them destroy it. They might not be kids anymore, but they're our kids."

"I'm scared…." said Olivia, small voiced but nodding in agreement.

"We're in this together, Liv….." vowed Elliot, grabbing for her hand again and holding it fast, "… I've got your six."


	17. I Can't Unlove You

**I am really overwhelmed, touched and profoundly grateful for all the comments and kind words left in the reviews. It has really inspired me to keep writing, and been just such a great reassurance in a moment of self-doubt and hesitancy. So thank you, truly.**

 **This is a big update, and a bold one. I'm taking a risk, for sure, and I am not sure how people will feel and react. I've trusted my gut, as I have throughout this story and I really do feel that this is something that will lead to character growth and give me some really interesting dynamics to test and stretch. It is something that I felt happened next for these characters. It's the end of a moment and the beginning of a new one. We're going to really have to re-centre, regroup, and hone in on the core Stabler clan after this (n.b. a prodigal Stabler will soon return, spoiler alert!).**

 **I'm excited for that, and I hope you guys are too. I am having to muster up a certain level of brave to post it, as I think it might stir up some strong opinion. Feel free to vent those opinions, as always I try to listen and take them on board. At this point this feels like a shared journey :)**

* * *

"What are you doing here, guapo?"

"I had to see you."

Through special dispensation afforded to them through Captain Amaro's persuasive negotiation, the two were alone in a small holding room at the back of the jail facility. Standing tall, despite everything, it struck Calvin that even in the drabbest beige Texas radiated colour and strength. Walking toward her, feet scuffing, he simply threw his arms around her and held her tight.

"How you doing?" she asked, and pulling away from her slightly he pulled a face.

"You're really somethin' Boots."

"Huh?" she puzzled, as they wandered toward the table. Two chairs on either side weren't going to work for Calvin, and when he found they were bolted down he instead chose to sit on the table. She, naturally, followed suit; ever each other's shadow.

"You're in fucking overalls and you're the one asking _me_ how _I_ am?" giving her shoulder a light shove he rolled his eyes and sighed. "Damn it, Tex. We were not supposed to wind up here."

"Life has a funny way of not ever turning out how you planned….." she smiled, reaching down for his hand and then lifting it to her lips for a reassuring kiss, "… you not noticed that yet, pretty boy?"

"You jonesing?" he asked, and her face fell in shame. "Hey! Hey no don't you do that. This is me you're talking to, remember?"

"I'm doing better now. It's a cruel kind of cold turkey but it works. Wanting to peel your own skin off sure takes the edge off of the dumbass cell mate, huh?"

"Wait they didn't give you anything at all?" he asked, deeply worried.

"I refused it."

"Tex…."

"This is it, mi cariño. This is my last chance. My last rodeo. I am to damn old to keep doing this and survive. I want a life, I want a real life. I want my daughter to be able to look me in the fucking eye when she's grown."

"And I get that, but…."

"I'm gonna be okay, guapo. You'll see. You don't need to worry about me. I can take care of myself. These Barbies don't have jack shit on the girls I've played with in my time."

"Hell no, Tex. Hell no if you think I'm gonna let you…."

"Calvin look at me? Hey! Cal?" she insisted, waiting for him to give her his eyes. Sliding down from the table she stood between his knees, holding his face in her hands and speaking with calm, with courage, with determination and finality, "Will you promise to just shut the hell up and listen to me while I say this? While I get done with the whole speech so I don't lose my shit and cry like a fucking baby?"

"Okay…." he was nervous, his hands felt clammy and his heart was somewhere between total standstill and implosion at pace.

"I love you Calvin Arliss. I have loved you for a long, long time. You're a pain in the ass, you're stubborn and bullish and a weird little walnut of emotions. You're also funny, and smart, and straight up the kindest human being I have ever known."

"Tex….." but he silenced himself, remembering his promise.

"I don't think that I will feel as connected to any other person on this fucked up planet the way I feel connected to you. I can't explain it, I can't even understand it myself, but I came to accept a long time ago that I can't fight it or change it either. I am not going to change my statement."

"No! No Boots!"

"Shut up? You have put it all on the line for me so many times, mi amor. You have fought for me, alongside me, you have been there when no one else was: you have been there no matter what. You are the _only_ person who never got spooked by me, ashamed of me, who saw the best in me even when I was at my worst. You jumped that guy to save me, and now I'm going to save you."

"I hate this with every fibre of my being Texas, you know that?"

"It's not forever, it's just a rent free vacation, right?" she laughed darkly, and with her hands still on his cheeks he turned his face into her palm and buried it there. He was home. "Don't think I can't handle it because I can. I got this, Cal. I need some time on the mat anyways, right?"

"Is there anything, **anything** I can say to make you change your mind? To let me tell them it was me? Tex I swear I'll do any fucking thing to …."

"I know you would, but I don't want you to."

"I can't, I **can't** ….." grappling so hard within himself, he fell forward into her arms. Grabbing for her waist he clung there, knowing that he was losing.

"You say you'd do anything for me?" she was testing them, everything they had. In that moment she was laying their entire relationship down, exposed and raw. "This is what I want. This is what I want you to do for me. I want you to let me do this. I am asking you to quit fighting me, and let me do this."

"Seriously?" he was still clinging on, knuckles white and bleeding. Shaking his head, staring at her with an intensity, with a power that moved her in places her soul no one else had ever touched.

"I'm not done, Cal. That's not what this is. I'm fighting, trust me. Por el poder de los dioses! I swear it. I want to be around to see my little girl grow up. I want to be something other than shame and disappointment to her. I want to bring something more to this life than junk and pills and really fucking awesome sex."

"Texas!" he scolded, rolling his eyes so high they hurt. She would never change. Then, smiling to himself, feeling tears fall, he repeated that notion in his mind: she would never change. "Get clean, yeah. Get sober, please. Fight for better, and I'll fight with you. Just don't ever change who you are inside, Tex. Don't ever quit the sass, don't ever quit that stupid smirk, don't ever lose your fire. Promise?"

"I'll try…." she said, this time her turn to shed a rogue and silent tear. "I'm not quittin' on you Calvin. I'll get up for another round, I will. It's just been hard lately, you know?"

"You have no idea how good it is to finally hear you admit that. Don't think I didn't know it was killing you. Don't think I didn't know that underneath that thick ass layer of fucking Oxy and vodka and whatever the hell else you were hiding under, that you were broken up inside."

"Do I have your word?" she choked, his words cutting straight through her core. Johnny, Leni, all the the pain and the loneliness, the frustration and disappointment now exposed in the sober light of day. "No games, no stupid last minute decisions. We stick to our story. I did it. You tried to stop me. It was my fault."

"I…."

"Promise me?" she cried, grabbing for his shoulders and shaking him hard. " **Promise** me?"

"12 steps? You'll write Leni? You'll let me bring her to you? On the wagon, clean, sober, for good this time? All in?"

"Yes."

"You are the strongest fucking person I know Texas Mendoza and if I agree to this stupid fucking idea then it has to be a line. It has to be a line we never cross back over. This has to be where it stops. This has to be where you….." he was crying now and he didn't care, it hurt, it all hurt, everything hurt and it was too much, "… where you promise to let me help you too? Where we break this fucking cycle?"

"Okay, okay I promise…." she nodded quickly, flashing a brave smile.

"If anything ever happened to you I…."

"Don't! Don't say that, quick, say something nice to take it away!"

"I can't live without you, Boots. You need to know that. You need to know that for all that stuff you said about me before? You haven't even begun to figure out how incredible you are. If you could only see in yourself a half of what I do then…."

"Cal?" she asked, when he had fallen quiet for several moments.

"Tex…" he murmured, one hand around her waist the other stroking lightly at her face.

"What is it? What's wrong?" whispering softly, brow furrowed with concern she felt her toes slip from the edge.

"I love you, Boots…" were the last words she heard as she fell.

His arm tightened around her waist, she lay her hands lightly on his shoulders and they kissed. Tenderly at first, and then with the hunger and burning desire for something just out of reach, something forever at their fingertips, something on the horizon line. It was freefall, a mindless soul dance, a connection spun with complexity. The binding threads of years on years, heart aches, heart breaks, friendship, laughter, triumph, disappointment, trust, loyalty, desire: an intricate, intimate tapestry.

"You should go now…." gasped Texas, drawing away breathless. Their eyes locked. "You should go now and we should just add this to the promise. This never happened. You left five minutes ago. Everything is as it was before."

"I'm sorry, it was my fault."

"No it wasn't, guapo…." she smiled, calm and brave, shaking her head as she took equal ownership of a wrong that had felt so right, "… no it wasn't."

* * *

"I did something Evie."

"You're so out of breath…." she worried, setting down her yard tools as she stood in jeans and an old t-shirt in the Stabler's back yard. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"I ran here. I had to tell you. I'm sorry, I…." standing steady for a moment, letting his heartrate settle enough to prevent the rushing sensation in his head Calvin just stared at his wife. So this was want it felt like. "Evie I kissed her."

"I see."

"Texas, I mean. I kissed Tex."

"I figured that's who you meant." Her face was unmoving, but she leant a little heavier on the garden hoe. Taking several long, deep breaths Eve squinted up at him against the sun. "And you ran here to tell me?"

"It wasn't, like, you know, planned. It's just one kiss. I know that's dumb. I know that's the dumbest fucking thing to say and that's what people always say but I didn't think about it. At all. I didn't think at all. That doesn't make it any better, I know. That doesn't change anything."

"Is this where you tell me that 'it just happened' or something?" she said, her voice wavering slightly. "I guess that's also what people say, you know, in these situations."

"You have every right to be fucking mad as hell at me Evie. I messed up. This is on me, this is all on me. Whatever you say, whatever you do, it's no less than I deserve and I'll do anything to…."

"So you say _you_ kissed _her_ or?" it was a strange question, because her tone showed no anger and it felt like more than just splitting hairs. "Or was it a mutual thing?"

"No, nah, all me, this is on me. She wouldn't even have…."

"The two of you are a beautiful freak show you know? The way you tear yourselves into bits protecting each other."

"I…."

"I don't doubt for a second that whatever kissing the two of you have done was completely reciprocal Calvin. I'm not going to start throwing scarlet letters on Texas don't worry."

"Evie I can't apologise enough to you. I am fucking sorry from the bottom of my heart and…." stepping closer, but deliberately not reaching out to try and touch her Calvin's eyes implored, "… please believe that?"

"Calvin I don't know what to say. I literally can't figure out any words to say right now."

"That's fine, that's okay, you don't have to…."

"Did you talk to her? Before you kissed her and ran off I mean…." wincing at her own tart jibing Eve reeled herself back in, "… sorry, I'm sorry."

"Nah, go for it, you have every right."

"We were already in deep enough water without this latest complication, babe. I just wondered whether the two of you had figured out…."

"We're sticking to our story."

"What?" she was shocked, perhaps more so, oddly, than she had been by his previous news. This stung to her core. That whatever feelings Calvin had for Texas could lead to a kiss, was somehow easier to process than them letting her take the fall for him.

"We talked about it, a lot. I've begged her, Evie. I've begged her to let me tell the truth, let me admit to being the one to brain that guy."

"And?" tested Eve, incredulous.

"I can't get her to change her mind. I can't get her to agree to come clean. I've fucking tried, believe me. She won't budge an inch. She says it's the right thing to do. She says she wants to do it for you and me, for CJ and Evie."

"In maybe the _greatest_ irony of them all!" said Eve with a laughing gasp. "Cal you can't let her. I know we're risking you getting something on your record. I'm not blind to that, but…."

"I don't know what to do Evie."

"Cal…."

"I'm just….." she rarely saw him so raw, so broken and vulnerable, "… I'm just smashing everything I touch to pieces. I feel like I'm losing my shit. I'm just apologising and apologising and I know I'm fucking everything up but I just….."

"Babe…." she couldn't hold him, she wasn't even close to prepared for that. Instead she reached for his hand, wrapping her fingers around his and squeezing gently. "Breathe?"

"What'd you want me to do Evie? Right now? What can I do?" for a moment he scared her.

In those few seconds as she looked at him she didn't see the Calvin she knew, the nerve, the resolution, the grit and the towering strength on which she'd built her life. Instead she saw the Calvin she'd only glimpsed in those early days. The teenager who's soul and self-worth had been tossed around alongside Texas' for Johnny's entertainment. The little boy who twisted himself into knots for the love and approval of those around him: a drifter, a lost boy, a gypsy soul holding white knuckled onto life.

"Just give me some time? I can't process all this right here right now."

"Sure, sure I get that."

"Calvin?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?" she asked, because she needed to know.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine, sure, I'm fine…." he nodded quickly, his hands thrust deeply into his pockets and his shoulders regaining that awkward rounding. His old slouch. Making himself as small as he felt. "You?" wincing, he felt stupid, "Fuck, stupid question, right?"

"Honestly? I'm hurt, I'm hurt and I'm confused and I don't know what else I can give you right now. I can't tell you it's all okay, because it's not. I can't tell you what I want to happen now because I don't know."

"Okay."

"What do I want you to do right now? Honestly?" tears threatening Eve held her hands up, surrender, white flag, entreat for quiet, "Nothing. I don't want you to do anything, Cal, because I can barely keep up with what you've done so far this week."

* * *

"Mom!"

"Baby?" said Olivia, her face falling as she walked through the door and Eve into her arms.

"I'm so glad you're home…."

"What's going on, sweetheart?" keeping an arm firmly locked around her daughter's shoulders Olivia moved them both, as one, into the Stabler living room. Sitting on their old familiar couch she took Eve's hand and waited with a patient calm, "Talk to me?"

"I was just with Cal."

"Oh no, no what happened now? Did he speak to Texas? Did she…."

"Yeah, yeah they spoke…" said Eve quietly, tugging at the sleeve of her sweater and deliberately unpicking the hem. It was unravelling, and she laughed darkly at that.

"I haven't had chance to…."

"So, like, I guess the main story should be that they've come to an agreement between the two of them. She's taking the fall for him. She's convinced him to let her. So she'll plead guilty and they'll stick to their guns on their story."

"And you're angry about that?" asked Olivia, not really sure how she felt herself. It was a big decision, a huge sacrifice on Texas' part. It wasn't that she didn't understand the reasons behind it, the feelings at play; it was the intensity of those feelings that scared her. It was the aftershocks she feared.

"They kissed, Mom."

"I…."

"You're not doing a very good job at acting shocked or surprised…." said Eve drily, but her words held no malice. She wasn't baiting Olivia, in truth she realised that her mother's reaction only mirrored her own. "Don't worry, neither was I. I feel a lot of things right now, a fool mostly, but the one thing that I can't honestly say I am is shocked or surprised. In some way it feels like I've been waiting for this from the start."

"Oh no, no you can't say that, that isn't fair…."

"Isn't it?" shrugged Eve sadly. "I don't mean that they've always wanted it. I don't for a second think they planned it. I mean Calvin practically broke a leg running across town to tell me the second it happened. This wasn't secret, sordid, this isn't an affair or even really deceitful. I think that should make it easier but it doesn't."

"Evie…."

"I want to be pissed. I want to be blind furious with him Mom but I can't find that. I can't find anger for that. I have all this other rage. I have all this other hate and resentment at the world and the things it's thrown at me but for some reason I just can't find any one of those feelings for this. I'm hurt, I'm sad and I'm even more lost now than I was before but I can't hate either one of them for it."

"I'm mad, Evie. If that helps? This is not okay. You know that, right? Whatever else is going on right now for those two you did not deserve this. It's disrespectful and unthinking and hurtful. You have every right to…."

"But I don't want to. Mom I have been angry for so long. I don't want to fight Calvin on this. I don't want to fight Tex either. What does it gain? Where does that leave any of us? It's one kiss. That's all. He told me that and I believe him."

"I believe him too….." said Olivia, though in that moment she would cheerfully have slapped Calvin upside his head, "… for what that's worth right now, baby girl."

"He's not a nasty person. He's not a cheat, he doesn't have it in him to deceive me or any one of us. I think that's what makes me sadder than all of it. This wasn't planned. This was gut. This was the two of them in a moment….." taking a pause, tears rimming her eyes, Eve looked to her mother, "… in a moment."

"Oh Evie I could strangle the both of them!" groaned Olivia, throwing herself back into the sofa and covering her face with her hands. "I'm so sorry, baby girl. I'm so sorry you've been hurt like this."

"I'm sorry too, but I'm done being the victim. It has taken me _too long_ to get back here. I've been hauling myself up to standing again for years and that Evie would just fall right back down. The Evie I hate, the Evie that makes my skin crawl would use this. She'd whine and yell and call them both names. She'd bawl and stamp her feet, call them both cheats, make the whole world revolve around her."

"Sweetheart, sweetheart this…."

"I won't do it Mom."

"Okay then."

"This isn't just about me."

"No it isn't."

"I am pissed at the situation, sure I am. I've not woken up a saint. I just want to try and find the grace to see that there are two other people in this situation with me. Two people who I happen to love, and who love me. I don't want to make a mistake here."

"They have though, babe, they've made a mistake. You should know that. It is so graceful, so noble of you to speak this way and to defend them but the truth is that you have every right to see this as a wrong. They have wronged you. He's your husband. He has no business kissing anyone else."

"But it's not that simple….." there was a trust, a boundless trust, and as Eve took her mother's hand she placed an enormous burden on it, "… is it Mom?"

"Eve…." swallowing slowly, just holding her daughter's eyes and sitting with the weight of what she was saying for a moment Olivia fell silent.

"I'm not saying that to hurt you, please God, know that I would never…."

"I know, sweet girl."

"It took me a really long time to come to terms with the story that made me. I couldn't get it, for the longest time. You and Dad had an affair, right? That should make you terrible people, for what you did to Cathy. She was Dad's wife. You were…."

"Just because you can draw certain parallels, love, does not make them the same thing. The situations were different, the people were different."

"But you know what I mean though, right?"

"Of course I do."

"I hate that Calvin and Texas kissed, I **hate** it. I could throw everything I've got at him for it. We were going through a rough patch, we were taking a beat, and what he just took that as a sign to go kiss another girl?" laughing gravely Eve sighed. "But it isn't just another girl, it's Texas. This isn't about us being in a rough patch, on a break, this is bigger than that. She was in his life before I was. I can't pretend to understand whatever the hell the two of them are, aren't, or all the million shades of grey in between any more than Cathy could ever understand you and Dad."

"I can't decide if you're the bravest woman in the world or…."

"A complete fool?" smirked Eve, but she knew that wasn't what Olivia was about to say.

"I want you to be strong in this Evie. I will stand with you. Please know that? Please hear it? I love Calvin, you know that, but you are my daughter. You are my little girl and that comes first, that comes over everything else. Okay?"

"Don't hate him?" grabbing her mother's arm, then reaching to Olivia's face and touching it gently Eve shook her head slowly from side to side. "Please Mom? I know you couldn't bear to stand by me and not him. Please don't put me between the two of you?"

"I…."

"I want you on my side; I need you on my side. I need you. I will always need you. I love you more than you know for saying what you're saying, believe me, but please can we find a way that you being on my side doesn't put you against him? Please don't just take my side? I couldn't bear it. I couldn't stand it and neither one of you two could survive it. Calvin couldn't live if he lost you and I know you can't just side against him. So don't, okay? Please don't?"

"Thank you, Evie. I honestly, I don't know what to say. I don't think you know how strong you are, truly. You really are the girl I raised Evie Grace, and then some. I don't think you have any idea how beautiful you are to me right now."

"I'll fight for him. I'll fight for our marriage. I'll fight for myself, I will. It's just that in all of that we're a family, right? Calvin is your son _just_ the same way Sammy is. Cal and Texas are family too and despite everything, the mess we've made, all the crap: that is the most important thing to me. I'll fight for our family above everything else Mom, for all of us."

* * *

"You're not an easy person to track down sweetheart."

"Livia…." mumbled Calvin, scrambling to his feet in the muddy grass.

"No please, please don't get up…." waving her hands, entreating him to sit back down she knelt at his side, "… sit back down, come on. We'll sit together a while?"

"I didn't think you'd want to talk to me right now."

"Then you don't know me very well after all." Her voice was calm, steady, but he'd hurt her and he knew it, he could hear it in the slight catch in her throat. "I'm mad as hell at you Calvin. I'm furious. I'm hurt and confused, but none of those things are going to stop me from coming to talk to you. I'm not gun shy, remember?"

"A martyr, maybe, but…." when she didn't respond he turned his head, caught her withering gaze, and mumbled again, "…sorry."

"You move out of our house. You go out dancing and drinking with Texas. You let her lie to save your ass. You visit her in jail, and you let things play out whereby the two of you end up sharing a kiss. Having my daughter torn into pieces trying to figure out how to deal with all of the above is not a situation I can be at peace with Calvin, and above all else I gotta tell you that I'm worried about you right now. I'm really worried about you, and I think that you and I need to speak honestly and openly about the next move you make here."

"I fucked up…." he acknowledged, head hung low, shame tangible, "… multiple counts, detective."

"What I'm more interested in, sweetheart, is why?" she asked simply. "What happened? What went wrong? What is going on with you that we're sat here talking like this?"

"I guess it just felt as close to home as I could get right now…." his voice was low, guttural, and he grabbed at fistfuls of dirt as he spoke, "… and the dead don't talk back."

"You wanted your mother?" she said, her voice trembling slightly. It hurt her how deeply she felt his pain.

The desperate longing for love and acknowledgement from a mother incapable of giving it, or of being the gravity you need weighting your veins was a feeling Olivia knew all too well. Vivian's grave was bleak, empty, the marker of the last resting place of a lost soul. Olivia could only hope that both Vivian and Serena had found some semblance of peace in death, a respite that they could never find in life.

"I'm so sorry Livia….." he said quietly, then turning to her, meeting her eyes and pouring sincerity in waves so strong they pummelled her he repeated, "… I am so, so sorry for all of it."

"Calvin…."

"I know I've let you down….." he continued, gruff and reeling, "…and trust me that cuts fucking deeper than you know."

"Why didn't you talk to me, love?" asked Olivia, her hand stroking soothingly at the small of his back. The way she comforted children, because that was how vulnerable he seemed to her in that moment, and that was the reassurance he lacked. "I know that you would never set out to hurt anyone. You don't have it in you. I know that. What I do know is that what's going on right now, where you're at? These not the actions and reactions of someone who's happy, Cal."

"I've tried to be a good person, Livia. I've tried to do right by everyone, to do the right thing: always. I know I fucked up kissing Texas and I'll own that. I'll take the consequences, because I deserve them. Evie deserves better than me doing that to her."

"Yes, yes she does."

"What about you?" he asked, because sitting so low he realised that there was a deeper reality of loss than losing Evie or Texas. "Can you forgive me?"

"This isn't about me, sweetheart, not really."

"It is for me."

"Cal….."

"I broke your trust, right?" he said quietly, the weight of the realisation almost too heavy a burden to bear. "I get that. I understand. It's okay. You don't have to feel bad. It's okay if you want to…."

"To what, Calvin? Walk away?" she asked hotly, her face incredulous. "You really think that little of me? You really think I scare that easily?"

"I…."

"Because **now** I really **am** pissed…." she spoke slowly, her eyes fixing him and pinning him to the grass. "You messed up Cal, you did. You're not in a great place right now, you're struggling. You think you're the first person to be here? You think you're the only person who ever screwed up and had to try and figure out how to make it right?"

"No, no but…."

"Everyone makes mistakes, sweetheart. What makes us who we are is how we move forward afterwards."

"What if I tell you I don't know that all of it was a mistake? What if said that wasn't so sure what to do, what I feel, or how the hell I even start to move forward?" he was honest, to a fault, and as much as it hurt to hear him talk she knew that it was his greatest hope. "I don't what to hurt you, Livia. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just feel trapped. I feel like I can't fix this. I feel like whatever I do next someone loses and…."

"Evie told me that you and Texas have come to an agreement."

"Yes m'am."

"And you're okay with it?"

"No, not really, I'm not okay with any of it. At this point though it's just lighter shades of shit though, right?"

"Oh sweetheart…." she sighed, because there were no words she could say that could counter that truth. The only way out was through, and whatever happened there would be scars.

"I love Evie, I love my babies. I love Texas, with all my heart. I love you, Sammy, Mr S and I don't want to hurt or disappoint anyone. I want y'all to be happy, more than anything. I want to be a good person…."

"You're exhausted, aren't you?" said Olivia, and they were the words that broke him. Snapping painfully, completely, dissolving into the kind of sobs she knew came from total obliteration and the absolution of letting go. He clung to her, surrendered, at day's end.

"It's okay, it's okay, let it out, let it go….." holding his head, her hand at his face as he buried his face at her chest she gave him what no one else had. Sitting at Vivian's graveside, holding her son Olivia whispered, "You don't have to have all the answers right now, sweet one. You don't even have to know what questions to ask. All you have to do is hold on, hang in there, keep talking."

"Why are you being so calm? Why are you…."

"Because you messed up Calvin, you did. But you know what? I can be mad at you for hurting Evie, I can be pissed at you for creating a fresh mess with Texas. I can be confused and frustrated with how you're behaving and I can love the hell out of you regardless. You know why?"

"Because you're Olivia Benson?" he ventured, looking up at her in awe.

"Because that's what mothers do, sweetheart…." she vowed, narrowing her eyes and ensuring he wasn't only listening, but hearing her, "… and I will **never** let go Calvin."


	18. All Colours Bleed Into One

"Just wait till I get my hands on that…."

"You'll what, Elliot?" said Olivia, with no energy spare to waste. She shut him down, fast, with one hot glare. "Hit him? Beat him up? You'll be a hypocrite on two counts then."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"We're parents, we're angry, we're hurt. I am right there with you on that trust me. There is no fibre of my being that doesn't want to yell and scream how unfair this all is when I see Evie so hurt. Listening to my baby girl cry there is a part of me that would gladly do damage to someone, somewhere."

"This is not the same as you and me, Liv. Evie is not Cathy."

"Calvin is a good person, maybe one of the best I know. There is no way in hell that he set out to hurt Evie, there is no part of me that believes either he or Texas went into this as a wrecking ball. I just think we need to be really careful who we throw our judgement at here, babe. Different people, different time, and a different situation maybe, but is it really so very different when you strip all that away?"

"He fought for Evie. He already knew Texas, he already had her. He already had ever opportunity to make her his wife instead but he didn't. That's difference number one. I was already long since married to Cath when I met you and if I'd met you first then everything would've been different."

"Would it? Can you really swear to that? How the hell can you know?" he wasn't entirely wrong. She hadn't looked at it that way before, and it almost made it worse to allow his point of view into her rationalising of the situation. "You're working on hypothesis we can never prove, and even if we could would it really matter?"

"The way I see it, yeah, yeah it does. I'm angry, Liv. I'm sorry if that's not okay with you, but I'm pissed as hell. That boy wormed his way into this family, into every muscle and vein. I love him, I love him like a son and I've come to trust him like one of my own but this changes things. This changes everything. I'm angry for Evie and I'm angry for us too Olivia. We laid our entire family open to him and this is what we get? This is the loyalty he shows?"

"He's not a monster! He didn't mean to cause any of this!"

"But he did though, right?" shrugged Elliot, finding his bottom line. "Whether it meant to or not he's blown a hole in our family so wide I don't even know how we patch it. Whether or not he intended to do it or not doesn't help Eve right now, does it?"

"I think you're a hypocrite Elliot."

"Maybe, but I'm struggling to feel anything but rage right now."

"And that's your cross to bear but I can't support it."

"What? How am I suddenly the bad guy here? Am I not allowed to be hurt too? I trusted that boy! Against all my better judgement, against **everything** in me telling me to protect her, to keep her from the both of them and the life they were leading."

"Okay, okay I'm sorry, I get it. I know that this is impossibly hard but…."

"We're cops, Liv. We were cops and we are good people and our kids were not supposed to touch this stuff. It's too big, it's too much. I get that life happens, I'm not naïve. I'm not saying that I judge it, or that we shouldn't do everything we can to help kids in that situation. But am I not allowed to be pissed that our kids have gotten dragged into this? That you've gotten dragged _so far_ into this?"

"This isn't even really about Calvin and Texas is it?"

"Not about them kissing, I guess, at least not just about that."

"You're scaring me Elliot, these kids are our family."

"They're not kids anymore, Liv. They're grown adults and they're still getting sucked back into that old world they're supposed to have left behind. Only this time they're taking us with them. Texas is in jail. Now I realise that what she's doing is noble and brave and it's selfless, it is. Taking the fall for Cal is very commendable but we're still fighting to get a reduced sentence on assault and drug possession, right?"

"What are you saying? Actually, I'm not sure I want to even ask you that."

"I'm saying I'm scared, Liv. I'm terrified out of my mind that we're sinking. I love 'em, believe me. I'm not denying that. I'm angry, but I get it. I cheated. I did a damn sight more than kiss you when I was still wearing my wedding band, and I had my kids waiting at home. I just feel like we're being dragged under here. You and me, Evie and those babies.

"Elliot…."

"Calvin will never let Texas go, whatever that winds up looking like. We've got Evie and Cal and the babies fighting for their marriage now. We've got Texas trying to stay sober in a county jail, like that has ever worked well for someone vulnerable like she is! Who the hell knows where Johnny Arliss is right now. We've got a custody battle or at least a fight for visitation still going on, with the Amaros. Sammy hasn't called in over a week. Damn it, Olivia, we're putting band aids on bullet holes here!"

"Okay, okay I hear you. I'm listening; I see what you're saying."

"Do you?" he sighed, "Because you're so far into this on every level. I gotta think of you, Olivia. I gotta put you first because you sure as hell never will. They'll take everything you've got. They'll take and take and take, they won't mean to, but they'll suck the life right out of you without even realising they're doing it. I realise, I'm noticing, and I'm telling you that even if we have to go another hundred rounds fighting it out like this I will do it."

"So what do we do?" trite, knowing in her heart that he was right, she knew they needed to find a compromise. "What do I do now?"

"Nothing."

"But…."

"Just stop for a minute, won't you please?"

"How'd you mean?"

"I'm not saying give up. I'm not saying we won't try to help them. Just won't you please take a night off? Maybe a day or two? Let them sit with all this for a while. They can handle it; trust them to handle it and who knows maybe they'll surprise you."

"You're putting me on a time out?" she found a smile, because for all his strange ways of going about it this man loved her. Elliot Stabler would walk through fire to protect her, and she owed it to him to listen to what he had to say and to act on it.

* * *

"Hi."

"Hey, hey, look is it alright that I…."

"Shut up, here, this little bruiser is giving me backache anyway…." said Eve with a strained smile, shifting CJ up her hip and then handing him over to Calvin gently. "Livi is still sleeping but you should wake her up soon she's been down a while."

"You're not staying?" asked Calvin, a little surprised when Eve made as though to leave them in the park. "I mean of course, sure, that's no problem."

"Did you want me to stay?" she asked, a little surprised. They hadn't spoken properly in two days, not since his first confession of the kiss during visiting hours.

"If you…." then ending their silly game of emotional tennis Calvin sighed and nodded to the empty bench behind them, "…. yes, Bambi, I want you to stay. If that's okay with you?"

"I'm glad you called…." she said quietly, fiddling with her watch strap and staring at playpark in the distance. "I don't want you to ever feel like you can't hang out with the twins; have them for a night or something. Whatever else happens they need both of us, right?"

"Right, right for sure…" he nodded quickly, wiping drool from CJ's mouth as the tot shoved both fists into his mouth eagerly, "… and anything you need, ever. For them or for, well. I'm not going anywhere, we're in this together. That won't change."

"How is she, Cal?" turning to him, her face so filled with her mother's compassion it moved Calvin deeply. "Tex? Have you spoken to her?"

"No, nah, I haven't."

"Not because of me I hope?" she said quickly. It wasn't so much to absolve her of guilt, but because she could never imagine being as alone as she realised Texas must be feeling. Never, in any crisis of her life, had she been without her mother, her father, her brother at the end of a phone or a plane ride away.

"Honestly I just can't right now."

"Calvin you're better than that!" said Eve hotly, horrified at his reaction. "You are _better_ that to just go silent on her now, to flake out now of all times when she needs you!"

"You really are somethin' Evie G."

"If it's my blessing, my permission you think you need then you have it. Don't you dare use me as an excuse. Call her, go there, do whatever you need to do."

"I…."

"I mean not the kissing part…." flushing a deep pink Eve covered her face with a coy hand, "… cringe, sorry, this is really hard."

"Are you okay, Evie? I mean I realise obviously not. I just don't know, well, like where do we…." awkward, mumbling and fumbling for solid ground Calvin kissed CJ's head and added, "… where are we right now?"

"I don't know…." she answered honestly, her eyes filling with tears she stubbornly blinked away. "I'm trying really hard to be adult about this, to be strong for the babies. I love you, Cal. I love you so freakin' much and I know you're a mess, I see it."

"Thanks…" they turned to one another and he flashed that smirk she loved, she ached for. He didn't change.

"I'm not going to ask you what you want right now because I know you can't answer that. I can't either, if we're being completely honest. I'm hurt, Cal. I'm angry with you, not just for the kiss but for all the reasons it happened. For all the things, all the feelings I know you've been keeping from me. That's the worse betrayal."

"Evie…."

"She still has parts of you I can't get to, even now."

"No, nah, that's…."

"True and you know it. I don't know what that means for us. I don't know what any of this means for us. I guess the answer to your question is that I don't know where we go from here. What are we right now? We're still us, right? We're still married? We're still parents together?"

"I love you, Evie. I love you and I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I don't suppose it matters that I didn't mean to. I just need you to know that I care so much about you, I care so fucking much and…."

"I love you too….." she said quickly, and then because she knew he needed it as much as she did she gave him a warm, comforting hug.

"Can we promise to stick together, Bambi? Can we please promise that even if it's fucking brutal as hell, even if it hurts like crazy, even if we gotta tear a few chunks out of each other along the way, even if we gotta bend we won't break? I know it's asking a lot, I know I have no right to…."

"You're my best friend Calvin….." she said quickly, grabbing for his hand and nodding, "… and whatever happens that will always be true."

"I don't want these two to ever…."

"They won't."

"It's just that….."

"They **won't** Cal…." she vowed, holding his eyes and pledging, "…. they will be safe and loved and they will have two parents who protect and care for them: always."

"Always."

* * *

"What's going on, baby girl? You look like hell."

"You're such a charmer, Fin!" laughed Eve, shaking her head and sinking down into the coffee shop couch beside her old friend and confidant. "I was just about to say how well you were looking but I won't now."

"What's going on pretty face, your momma's gone radio silent which usually tells me there's Stabler drama going down."

"Dad has her on lock down. She's trying to save the world again and he's worried. I am too. He's taken her somewhere this afternoon just the two of them which I'm glad about. She spends too much time running after all of us."

"And what about you? You okay?" asked Fin, before realising he would need to utilise some leverage to crack her. "Only my new roommate hasn't exactly been laugh a minute lately. He's walking around like a bear with a sore head, and the man of few words is a man of even less right now."

"He's going through some stuff…." replied Eve honestly, not wanting to speak too much for her husband. "He's going through a lot, actually. I think he just needs some time and space to clear his head."

"I thought that was your idea?" puzzled, Fin shifted in his seat and turned to face her. Evie Grace couldn't look him in the eye and lie as a toddler, and he trusted she couldn't even now. "I thought it was you who'd wanted to take a little time out?"

"Well, yeah, yeah it was."

"But?"

"You're like a dog with a bone Odafin!"

"And you sound _just_ like your mama, pretty girl. You're about as hard to talk to as well at times. Let me tell you what I told her, and that's that no one ever solved anything by stuffing the problem further into their gut. You used to trust me, right?"

"I still do, I'm sorry. It's just difficult this time. It's not so much about me; at least it's not only about me. I thought I had it all figured out, Fin. I thought that I knew where my life was going, where I was headed: and I thought that I was happy. Then I started to realise maybe it wasn't enough, maybe I wanted more. I had this idea that I'd join the Academy, did Mom tell you?"

"I might have heard a rumour. You having second thoughts?"

"I just want to be sure I'm doing it for the right reasons. I feel like something's missing, Fin. I love being a mother, I loved our life at Bragg. I just feel like there's a part of me that wants to do something else, something more. Not instead of, don't get me wrong. I thought maybe that something else was the police, maybe it still is."

"What's really going on with you Evie Grace?"

"Did you ever feel like there are more things you're not sure of than that you are? I guess it should feel liberating, or something, for everything to be so wide open. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, and it's big, it's so big and it's scary. There are a million different ways that this could all go and I don't want to jump until I know which one is the right way."

"You gotta know, baby, that sometimes you don't know. Sometimes life makes you jump before you're ready and you just gotta figure it out on the way down."

"Can I ask you a question? A personal one? One you might not feel comfortable answering?"

"You can ask…." he offered, always having tried to be an open book with her.

"It's more personal to my parents, I guess. It's just that you knew them before anyone else. I guess I'm just wondering when you knew, like when you were all working together. Did you see it? The two of them? When they were around each other did you know they'd end up together?"

"I don't think anyone knew that. I don't think either of them knew, let alone anyone else."

"Have they always had it though, that way they are, that sense you get around them?"

"What sense?"

"I guess…." hesitating for a moment, tossing the thoughts around in her mind, Eve finally settled on, "… that they were inevitable."

"Evie what…."

"I love Calvin so much. When I was younger he was like breathing to me, being with him was all that mattered. I saw him and it changed something in me, that day, he made me see things differently, he made me see myself differently. He was my first…." widening her eyes, feeling the love in her realisation Eve smiled, "… everything, I guess!"

"Damn it if you didn't almost kill your father with each and every one of them!"

"It was exciting, it was possibility, it was growing up and growing strong, I guess. He made me believe in myself, he made me believe that anything was possible and for a while it was. I wouldn't be where I am or who I am without him."

"I'm pretty sure he feels the same way about you, baby. Can I ask where all this is coming from?"

"He kissed Texas."

"Wow…." falling quiet Fin sat back in his seat. Calvin's dark mood suddenly making much more sense, and for a while his mind swam with all that this revelation meant. "Have you talked to him about it?"

"Yeah, yeah we've talked. We're talking. It's hard, it's a hard thing."

"Sure, sure of course it is."

"He keeps saying he's sorry, he keeps saying he didn't mean to hurt me."

"But you don't believe him?"

"No, no I do! That isn't it, that's not what bothers me. I haven't said it to him, I haven't gone there. I was thinking of talking to my Mom about it but I'm not so sure it's a good idea."

"Talking to her about what?"

"He's sorry he hurt me, he's sorry that it happened _because_ it hurt me, but is he sorry it happened? There's a difference, right?"

"Oh baby girl, that…."

"They've always had it, something, under the surface. It's not like I can pretend I didn't know, or that I couldn't see it. I'm not saying they've ever acted on it before, but have they wanted to? Maybe they didn't know it, maybe they didn't realise it was happening. I don't know. I just know that it is _really_ hard to hate something that….." a tear escaped, and she hurriedly swiped it away with the sleeve of her sweater, "… that isn't hateful."

"He's your husband, Evie. Remember that, hold onto that. You gotta fight for this, if you want it, if you believe in what the two of you have then forget the two of them. He took vows, you both did. If you love him, if you're still in love with him and him with you then nothing's changed."

"But everything's changed, hasn't it?" she shrugged, looking to him. "They've opened Pandora's Box now. I think that's what's killing Cal. He can't process it. He can't understand it. It's not like an affair, it's not like he just fell for a random girl at work and they had sex and its black and white, just a random one night stand or something."

"No but…."

"It's Texas…." she sighed, her voice cracking as another tear escaped and she whispered, "…it's Texas and that's…."

"Has he said anything about it?"

"No, but maybe that says everything."

"You're putting words in his mouth there and that won't help anyone."

"What if he's always been in love with her? He was once, when they were younger. What if it never went away? What if they just stuffed it in a box and ignored it and after a while it got easier to pretend. What if they didn't even realise they _were_ pretending? Fin you've seen them together. You've seen how many times they've taken the bullet for each other, how they finish each other's sentences, how they know what each other's thinking without either one saying a thing."

"That doesn't mean what you're saying is true."

"But what if it is? What if I'm a fool to even think about fighting this? What if they're just like my mom and dad? What if he doesn't even realise how in love with her he is and he's just being stupid and loyal and…."

"The answer is no, Evie. No I didn't know that Liv and Stabler would end up together. They were partners, they were friends who had each other's backs and they were close. They were really close, but he was married and that's just how it was. It wasn't a given that they would end up together at all. They were apart for years when he left SVU, and to me knowledge they didn't even see each other in that time."

"Until they _did_ see each other."

"These are different people. Evie I don't think it's helping here to compare to two so tightly. You just need to figure your own head out, your own heart. What do you want? Are you still in love with Calvin? Do you still want to be his wife, to be married to him? The way I see it that's all that matters right now."

"And what about what he wants?"

"He loves you, baby girl, he loves you like a crazy person and he won't hurt you again. He's an idiot at times, he makes some mistakes, kid isn't perfect but I trust him. I trust him to screw up and to put it right. He says its one kiss and it won't happen again and he means it. He'll stay the hell away from Tex if you ask him to."

"I know he will."

"Hey, hey don't cry…"

"I know he will, and maybe that's the worst part of it all!"

"Oh come here, come on…." he sighed, putting his arm around her in a bear like hug of reassurance.

"He hasn't even called her, since it happened. Since he came and told me. I asked him yesterday and he said he hasn't even spoken to her. I know that's because he's scared, scared of me, scared of what this has done to us. I want to be grateful for that, I want to be thankful that he's respecting that but…."

"But?"

"Is it right? Is it the right thing? I love him like a crazy person too Fin. The hardest part of this is that I love Tex too. This isn't just about me, is it? This isn't just about what I want at all."

* * *

"So that's it? That's all we can do? She's got to do five months in jail?"

"We tried, Evie. Nick did everything he could, he threw everything he had at getting the sentence reduced but that was the lowest they'd plead her."

"Does she know?"

"Yeah, yeah Nick told her as soon as he finished up with her lawyer. He and Gil took Leni to see her during visiting this morning."

"Five months in jail….." said Eve, the weight of the situation finally coming to settle on her shoulders. It was not even a reality she could imagine.

She had known pain, she had been tested, but spending every hour, minute and second of the day locked behind bars with hundreds of other women she couldn't wrap her mind around. She couldn't stand to think of the crimes the other prisoners might have committed. Of course it was possible to argue that no one is truly rotten to the core, equally it was possible to argue that Texas was a criminal and deserved to be there. Eve just knew different, she believed different.

Despite everything she could bring herself to be anything other than admiring of Texas, willing her, desperately wanting her to find happiness and security. Whatever else happened to Evie she would still be that warm presence who had welcomed her into Vivian's kitchen, cooked for her, laughed with her, treated her as family without hesitation. If she had always been in love with Calvin, the way Eve now suspected she had, then there had been even more beauty and grace in the way Texas had loved her.

It didn't absolve her from kissing him, because he was married, and it was a betrayal, but it was one that Eve was struggling to resent either Texas or Calvin for. She was sad, she was heartsick, but she still couldn't find hate or anger. Not for the Texas who had danced on the bar and made Sammy laugh till he cried, not for the Texas who was willing to go to jail to keep Calvin at home with their babies: not even if that Texas was in love with her husband.

"You okay Mouse?" asked Elliot from across the lounge, pausing for a moment in his flicking between television channels. CJ was sleeping soundly on his chest.

"Just thinking is all."

"Dangerous…" smiled Olivia, who was feeding Livi a bottle on the couch beside Eve.

"You talk to Calvin today?" it was a brave question, but one that Elliot felt he needed to ask in that quiet family moment as they sat together just the three of them with the babies.

"Not today, no…."

"Hey, hey it's okay."

"No it isn't, is it?" voice wavering Eve shrugged at her father, her nose wrinkling as she surrendered fresh tears. "None of it is."

"He's with Fin…." said Olivia, as much to relieve her own worry as Eve's, "… he's in safe hands."

"You take your time, sweetheart. You stay here with us and take us much time as you need…." there was something so kind, so full hearted and safe about Elliot's deep voice and blue eyes looking over at her as he spoke, "… we love you: we got you."

"Thank you."

"Is that the pizza already?" asked Olivia, a little surprised. Pinning Livia to her chest she reached across to check the time on her cell phone. "They're early, but we'll take that!"

"No, no don't get up I'll go…." smiled Eve, sniffing staunchly and grabbing her wallet on the way to the front door.

"If you need more cash there's some on the sideboard!" called Elliot. As Eve opened the door, however, she dropped her own money in surprise.

"Shut up!"

"Heard it's all gone to hell around here without me so….."

"SAMMY!" came the joyous screech that had both Olivia and Elliot rise from their seats with the twins.

"I thought I'd better come home and straighten you all out…." grinned Sam, his deeply tanned face resting on his sister's shoulder as she bent down to hug him and sobbed openly into his neck.


	19. Growing Pains

"What you up to?"

"Just doodling really….." smiled Eve, sitting on her old childhood bed and scribbling shapes onto a canvas with a pencil, another one tucked behind her ear, "… reminiscing I guess. I haven't used my brain in a long time, sitting here its like being back in high school, or home from college."

"You sound kinda sad the way you say that…." noted Sam, wheeling slowly into the room and casting his eyes around the photographs, medals and certificates that Olivia had never put away, "… man check out some of these, we're so little."

"Remember that one?" she smiled, leaning over from her bed and grabbing a photo frame. "Dad took us to the State Final and then we came home and he did us a massive barbeque in the yard."

"Were you still dating Jason Williams then? You so were! Check out the two of you…" heckled Sammy, pointing and laughing. "I forgot how much of a dork he was!"

"Couldn't have been more different than Cal, huh?" said Eve nostalgically, remembering the first time Calvin Arliss had blown into her life. Bad boy and danger, just enough mischief in his eye and unknown about him to capture her naïve teenage heart, "It's no wonder Calvin seemed so grown up!"

"Yeah but, like, he was though, right?" noted Sam, the conversation sobering slightly. "Like do you ever think about that now? We were just kids I guess, we just saw that he was fun, he was different than us. He was into a lot of pretty dark stuff back then though. We thought it was bad news to get grounded but he was, well, you know, committing actual crimes. I get why you fell for him don't get me wrong, I did too, right?"

"You mean that you can see why Mom and Dad were against it?" said Eve, because she had been thinking about the same thing a lot lately. "I wish I could say that I wouldn't be scared to death if it was Livi in that situation."

"I guess Mom knew Calvin so it was different."

"I don't think that made it any better where his hanging out with us was concerned though, right?" asked Eve, cutting to the heart of the matter. "I mean she knew his life, she knew where he'd been and what he'd been through."

"You sound like you've been walking through the past lately, Vee?"

"I guess you don't see it happening, you don't notice it, the way you change, the way you grow up so slowly and then one day you open your eyes and realise you're seeing things completely differently than you used to. You ever feel that?"

"Are you kidding me?" laughed Sam, a little sad. "I don't even recognise the quarter back in these pictures. I'm not the same person as that kid."

"I don't think I'm the same person as that bratty little kid who ran out on Mom and Dad, riding around in Cal's truck at all hours of the night either. I see her, I love her, I know who she was and I still carry her with me. I don't regret anything. I just had all these stupid ideas about life, Sammy. Like somehow I was going to save him or something, it's so dumb I know…."

"No, no go on…." he pushed, then when she was clearly reluctantly he pushed, "… please?"

"I was judgy."

"Well, yeah, you always have been but I mean in what context are you…."

"Sammy!"

"Sorry, ignore me, carry on."

"I heard all the horrible stories of their childhood, how his mom was. The way Vivian was with him, I saw it, it just was so far from what we knew and I can't pretend to understand that. I saw how they lived. I saw that tiny house, the drinking, the drugs, and the violence. I wanted to take him away from it all. I wanted to save him from all of that pain and hurt and chaos and bring him into my life. Into our life, our family, to rescue him I guess."

"To change him?" asked Sam, in the way that only a brother can ask that weight and enormity of question.

"No, no I loved him just the way he was."

"Just the him that didn't drink, or do drugs, or cuss, or get into any kind of trouble. The him that got his GED and thought about going to college and doing all the things we'd be raised to think about."

"Does it make me a bad person that I wanted better for him?" asked Eve, and Sam had to admit that she had a point. There were two equal sides to the coin. "Was I so wrong to want a different kind of life for him? For us?"

"Of course you weren't, Vee."

"So why do I feel like it's all somehow coming back to haunt me?" she sighed sadly, and he knew they'd picked enough at the scab to make it bleed. "Why is it all biting me in the ass?"

"How'd you mean?"

"He loved me because I was sweet and innocent and I made him laugh, because I took him out of that world. I was shiny and new and a million miles from everything he'd ever known."

"Yeah, yeah I think that's fair, that's probably all true."

"And I loved him because he was different than anything I'd ever known too. He was older, he was fearless, he was totally free, he did what he wanted when he wanted. He was funny and smart but he was wild and yeah, yeah I guess I just fell in love with the bad boy. What a dumbass cliché!"

"So what's changed Vee? Why'd you sound so sad about it all now?"

"Everything's changed Sammy. Everything has changed. I'm not innocent anymore, I'm not shiny, I've seen darkness too. I've grown up and changed and I don't see the world, I don't see anything the way I used to. He's not free or fearless anymore; he's scared to death of hurting me, of not doing the right thing by his family."

"And?"

"And somehow, somewhere along the way something's slipped, something's changed, we've lost something….." a tear escaping down her cheek she brushed it away slowly, looking over at her brother, "…. and I don't know how we get it back. I don't know if we even _can_ get it back."

"Do you want to?" he asked, because it seemed the obvious question. "I mean of course you do, of course you do, right? I'm sorry."

"Sammy I don't know how much you've spoken to Cal since you got back…."

"We've not really caught up yet, why?"

"You want a coffee?" she offered, setting down the sketches in her hand. Sam nodded, his stomach knotting to know what he was about to be told.

"And I also wanna hear more of your travelling stories, something tells me you haven't even started to scratch the surface of the trouble you got into so…."

"Hey, hey, hey I'm not sure that's called for!" but it totally was, and he grinned up at her with a wink.

* * *

"Here, you're gonna need one of these…"

"I am?" asked Calvin, who was sat on the steps of the Stabler's back porch when Sam wheeled himself at expert pace down the ramp to his right. With a lap full of cold beer and a cursory look of warning thrown in Calvin's direction Sam came to a settled halt beside his brother.

"Assholes first…."

"Hey!" baulked Calvin, more for something to say than in actual protest. Grabbing a beer and setting it down on the step beside him he added quietly, "I'm driving anyway, aren't I? Truck's out front."

"You can take the bus. We've got a lot of catching up to do and you'll fare better with a buzz."

"Is this where you bust my balls for cheating on your sister? Because trust me there's a line forming to kick my ass and your father is at the front of that line it so you're gonna need to take a ticket and if I live long enough then….."

"You know this might surprise you to hear, bud, but actually Vee isn't the one I'm most concerned about in this little situation you've gotten yourself in."

"She's not?" asked Calvin, indeed surprised. "Because she should be. One minute she's desperate to move home, next she's saying Bragg was great. Then she's joining the Academy, then she's taking time off with the kids and spending all her time drawing shapes on paper. I don't think your sister knows what she wants and then I just piled on by kissing Tex, so you should probably talk to her and not me with your concern."

"Evie will find her way, trust me. It might take her a while, she might try and few things and fail but that girl is resilient, stubborn and ultimately just selfish enough to make good."

"You calling your sister selfish?" puzzling, surprised but delighted by the new found fire in Sam the older man just smiled. "Big shout, buddy."

"I'm not saying she's not an awesome person. Just that she's got enough selfish in her to make half decent choices…." trusting their fraternal bond was strong enough Sam jibed, "… to not be a total martyr like Peter Pan over here."

"Peter Pan?" pulling a face, and popping open the ring of his beer Calvin took a swig. "I've had Hercules and Tarzan a bunch of times from you folks but this is a new one."

"You're all over the adventures, the big moments, fighting wars in foreign lands. You're been so busy saving everyone else, looking after everyone, making everyone else happy your whole life you've forgotten to grow the hell up Cal and I can say that because that was me a few months ago."

"What so you went south of the border and you've come back fucking enlightened?" scoffed Calvin, though in truth his armour was wearing uncomfortably thin. "I wanted your sister didn't I? I fought for her. She made me happier than I'd ever known and…"

"That past tense or?"

"What? No, no of course not I just…."

"I've heard it all, bro. The full story from Evie, a version from my Mom, a pretty colourful version from my Dad."

"No kidding."

"Yeah, I'd give this one a little time to smoulder."

"Roger that."

"I've heard the stories of you and Texas a million times. You ran wild together, buddy, and I can't even imagine that kind of life. Cops and robbers, for real, right? I'm not saying it didn't suck, I'm not making light of what the two of you went through but you went through it together. Your childhood with Texas was an everyday adventure. Whatever scrape you got yourself in there she was, your shadow, throwing her sass and sparkles on your grouchy ass."

"You know the way I remember that story Tinkerbell was a jealous, pain in the ass always causing trouble, always getting' into stuff she shouldn't."

"They were inseparable and maybe she was jealous for a reason, huh?"

"And I suppose you reckon Evie is Wendy in this little metaphor you've cooked up?"

"Go figure."

"You do realise that in that movie Peter Pan stays a kid forever and doesn't get with either of them?" laughed Calvin grimly, taking another sip of beer. "Did you reckon to be helping me here or?"

"I'm not giving you the answer, idiot. I'm just saying that I kinda see you guys in there somewhere. Wendy is smart and sensible and lives with her parents in a life most people would recognised as pretty normal. Tinkerbell is a hurricane who sticks to Peter Pan like glue, needing people to think happy thoughts to keep her from totally internally combusting in her own fairy juices…"

"Her _what_ now?"

"She reminds me of Tex, that's all."

"Do I _wanna_ be Peter Pan in this scenario?"

"The way I see it, bro. You either choose to stay in London with Wendy and quit getting distracted by the pixie dust…." shrugging his shoulders, Sam smiled empathetically at his brother, "… or get the hell back to Neverland with Tink before you break both their hearts."

"I'm sorry Sammy…." said Calvin with a quiet gravity, looking over at Sam with trite sincerity, "… she's your sister I know that. I didn't mean to put you in the middle of all of this, not any of you."

"I'm good, we're good…." reaching across, holding out his hand for Calvin to shake Sam nodded slowly, "… we're all good."

"Seriously?"

"As a heart attack."

"Thanks buddy, seriously. You got no idea how much that means…." how much he meant, went the words spoken only in a look between the two men.

"I mean don't continue playing out the jackass moves. I'll ride you on them, you can count on it, and this isn't me giving you a pass. I am a master in the art of acting the kicked puppy, trust me, and it's an ugly thing. You're gonna have to start making some pretty big decisions on what you really want here, and fast."

"Evie and I need to talk more, really talk on this."

"Yeah, yeah you do. You should do that, for sure. Only before you do I reckon maybe you need to just figure out what the hell it is that you actually want here…." tilting his head, challenging his brother, Sam added, "… _who_ it is you really want."

"I…."

"In the meantime however, I have what you might call a business proposition for you my friend."

"Oh yeah?"

"You still workin' on a car shop dream?" said Sam, and his smile was so wide Calvin wondered if his face might snap. For a moment he just enjoyed it, the buzz, the energy and pure untainted life that was radiating from every inch of Sam suddenly.

"I guess I got a little distracted, but sure. I mean I talked with your Dad, he had a few thoughts. I tried to get the bank to loan me the cash but, shocker, I'm not a great prospect for a loan…."

"You don't need one."

"I mean I have some cash, we do, me and Evie. I have no clue what status that's at right now but I earned a decent enough wage in uniform. I just don't have anywhere near enough to get anything real off the ground."

"Yes you do."

"You gonna tell me what's behind that odd little smirk you've got going on there?" said Calvin drily, reaching for another beer and popping it open.

"I'm in Cal: all in. Let's do it, carpe diem and all that bullshit. I'll put everything I've got in the pot and we'll approach a bank together. See what we come out with? We'll just give it our best shot, are you in?"

"You've really thought about this, haven't you?"

"You don't have to give me an answer right now, just think on it, okay? I know you've got a tonne of other stuff going on right now but the way I see it nothing has changed between us. I still need to figure out what to do next, what to do with the rest of my life. Whatever happens with you and Evie you're gonna need a way to provide for the babies, right?"

"Right."

"So think about what I'm saying here. I can talk the talk, I can handle the people side of things and…."

"What're you saying about me there, buddy?" muttered Calvin, and Sammy just laughed.

"Arliss and Stabler Auto Care, has a pretty cool ring. Cal's Cars? Sam and Calvin Repairs Limited…."

"I'll think about it Sammy."

"Don't think too long, Cal. Life's short."

* * *

"No, no, stop, don't…."

"Liv? You okay? Olivia? Olivia wake up, you're home, you're safe. It's Elliot, wake up!"

"STOP!"

"Liv!"

"Oh God, oh my….." panting heavily, breathless and sweating Olivia reached her hands to the mattress.

Laying them flat, grabbing handfuls of material she used her techniques. She felt for things that were tangible, she looked for things that were familiar; she took deep breaths and reminded herself of the true reality outside of her own terror. Elliot laid one hand on her shoulder, but no more, and then he waited. He allowed her to readjust, to calm herself, to reconnect with the world and with herself outside of the nightmare.

"You okay?" she clearly wasn't, but he needed to say something. He needed her to say something back.

"I had another…."

"I know."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise…." seeing her coming back to him, coming back to herself, he reached out and touched her face lightly, "… don't ever apologise."

"Russian Roulette."

"Lewis?"

"Holding the gun to my head, pulling the trigger not knowing if…." she confided, "… she was watching everything, all of it, Amelia, she was just a little girl. We got as far as two chambers one bullet and he took the gun back off me. He held it to his own head and it shot a blank."

"I'm here…." he said simply, quietly but with that resonating strength and his hand stroking at her back, "…. I'm right here, Liv."

"He moved closer so he had his hand around my neck and then he went to pull the trigger and I genuinely though that that was it. There was no doubt in my mind, despite knowing him, despite having tried to get into his head just as far as he'd gotten into mine I thought it was _my_ life he was going to take with that last bullet."

"But he took his own?" every time she talked to him, every time she told this truth he learned more details.

In some ways it helped him to help her, but for Elliot it only made it harder. The more detail, the more vivid the history became the more nauseated he felt hearing it. He wasn't there. He had not been there in her darkest hour; he had been entirely oblivious until long after the fact. While William Lewis had held the love of his life at gunpoint he had been at home in Queens with Cathy. When he'd read about it in the papers, seen it on the news, he hadn't even called. He'd convinced himself, against everything in his heart and his conscience that she'd be better off without his contacting her. That between Nick and Fin and Haden she'd be taken care of. That was his cross to bear, that was the ghost that haunted him.

"I know that I'm giving him what he wants by keeping hold of it all. Keeping him alive in my head, in these memories I can't shake."

"We both know you have no control over that Liv. That's not a choice you're making."

"I wish I was strong enough to get over this, to push past it. I wish I was strong enough to defeat him but he's still winning, right? Every time I wake up sweating, screaming, every time you and I sit here having these conversations he wins, he's winning; he's getting **exactly** what he wanted."

"I know it feels that way, truly I do. You're here though, Liv? You're here, with me, with our kids, with our grandbabies. You're safe at home in our bed, where's he at?"

"Dead."

"I'm no shrink; I can't make you promises of when or even if the nightmares will end. That's Huang's territory not mine. All I know is what I've felt, what I've…."

"Jenna?" she asked, touching his chest, his jaw. Drawing him into a hug, just for a few moments, to remind each other of the power they held in each other she kissed him lightly.

"That was on me, that was my fault, that was different but…."

"No, no El that…."

"Seems to me you're never gonna be able to control that first thought, that first memory, that bait…." shrugging unsurely Elliot sighed, "… but you just gotta try control what comes after it. Don't take the bait. Take a breath before you punch that wall, right?"

"How'd you do it?" she felt as though she had asked this question a million times throughout the course of their marriage, but she never tired of hearing the answer and every time it had a slightly different telling.

"I guess I figured that the anger wasn't just hurting me it was hurting everyone. I was wound up so tight it was changing me, my thoughts, my actions. I had to learn to control it before it completely controlled me."

"But how…."

"You."

"Me?"

"You know I try never trash talk my first marriage, but the truth is it caged me. I was trying to damn hard to be everything Cath needed me to me, what I thought the kids needed me to be. I had these few hours, this chunk of freedom each day at work with you and then it was back to the….."

"I've never heard you talk that way before…." genuinely taken aback she pushed, "…. was it really that clear cut? Did it really get that bad?"

"No, no but that's just it. It wasn't bad. Cathy is a great person, hell she's a better person than maybe I'll ever be. She was good and kind and I'll never be able to give back to her what she gave up for me all the years we were married. I loved her, I really cared about her so much and I stayed, I did."

"I remember you finding out she was pregnant with Eli…."

"I wanted to be a good man, a good Catholic husband. I just buried it all, over and over; the frustration, how confused I felt, when work made me angry and then I went home and hid it. I wanted you: badly. That was just me being a man and you looking like…." laughing at himself, an unusual moment of shy, Elliot touched her cheek adoringly, "… like you still do."

"Then I guess I was just being a woman too."

"Huh."

"How long did you…"

"It felt like forever. It almost killed me. The truth is that all this stuff lately, all this crap with Calvin and Texas has just made me so…."

"Sweetheart?"

"I can't hate him for it Liv, and honestly I'm not sure if I'm not angry at myself for how much of myself I see in him right now. I hate that. That I really hate because it's so damn disloyal to Evie. She's our daughter, I should be nothing but completely freakin' outraged. The truth is though, I didn't just leave the squad because of Jenna…." heart thundering, blue eyes on brown, locked tight, "… it was you. I left because of you. I left because I knew that it was only a matter of time if I'd stayed."

"I've never heard you say this before, not about leaving SVU."

"You stopped the rage, Liv. You made me laugh harder than I'd ever laughed. You made me feel more alive than I'd ever felt. You got me, you understood me completely. You knew me better than I knew myself. I wanted you more than I'd ever wanted any woman, not just because you were smokin' hot and still are but…."

"Elliot…." she blushed, her smile lighting his life all over again.

"You loved me for the man I was, the man I am. I felt free for the first time in my life because around you I could stop trying to be somebody else. Somebody calmer, somebody more romantic, somebody classier, somebody better. You made me better, sure you did, but I think that only came from me finally feeling comfortable in my own damn skin….." now it was his turn to smile, and nodding toward her he said, "… and that was you; you did that."

"I think you give me too much credit."

"Lewis hasn't won, Liv. Not as long as you're right here with me and he's gone, he is dead and gone and I know he's still in your head but fight him. I'll stand by your side every step of the way you know that, don't _let_ him win: you control that. The second you get those thoughts, those feelings, remember this, remember me, sat here, holding you, telling you that you're safe Olivia…." pulling her into his chest Elliot held her tight, kissing her neck and repeating, "… you're safe now."

"Thank you."

"I love you…" he said quietly, pulling away and then repeating, "… I love you so much Liv."

"I love you too."

"What?" he asked, seeing the fear wash away and her eyes sparkle a flicker of a thought he couldn't read.

"We've always said it, it's always been true. You weren't the devil, you might've been wearing the ring but you weren't alone in what we did…." remembering the moment, the feeling, the desire for him that had never gone away, "… we _both_ got in the elevator."

"Yeah, yeah we did…" he nodded, the ball night coming back to him. The yearning, the heat and the consummation of years of building passion that ultimately had been Eve's conception.

* * *

"I wasn't sure if you'd come."

"I'm sorry that I didn't come sooner, Tex. That's my bad and I won't miss another visit slot I swear."

"How are you?" she asked, holding the plastic phone to her ear and watching Calvin through the glass. It wasn't even clean, there were smears across it and it was hard to bring his face completely into focus.

"Honestly?" because he knew that anything even close to a lie wouldn't fool her. She knew him painfully well and any attempt to pretend was just insulting to her, and always had been. "I've been better."

"Leni came to see me."

"Gil kept his promise?" smiled Calvin, nodding gratefully. "How'd she take it? Talking on the phone and stuff?"

"In her stride."

"That's my girl."

"She wants to know if I have a bunk bed and if I got top bunk. She wants them at home now too she said."

"And do you?" he wasn't sure why he was asking; only that it helped his own mind to know where she slept at night. To picture her here, to know she had some sanctuary in all the craziness.

"Do I what? Have a bunk bed? Sure I do, just me and my three new besties."

"Top bunk?" he asked, easing into their comfortable repartee.

"Not yet but give me time…." twisting the corner of her mouth and lolling lightly on the phone she winked at him, "… I'll break her."

"How you doin' Boots? Seriously? Be real with me?"

"I'm exactly where I need to be right now, is how I am, mi cariño."

"That good, huh?" his words pinched, stung at the back of her throat. He could read her too, like a well-thumbed book, with familiar pages folded down. "You need anything? What can I do?"

"Play with Leni, take her to the park, on the swings. Take her places, keep her talking her English and her Spanish, she loves to learn, and she loves you. I've made sure Gil and Nick know that they should work out a schedule with you. I mean, this is, if you want…."

"Of course I do."

"They know she'll be hanging out with you on my visit days for a while."

"Tex…." it was heart breaking, truly gutting, to see her hiding her pain so well. So practised was she at the art. "What else? What else can I do?"

"Nothing, nada, I'm good."

"Tex…."

"What?" she asked, leaning forward in her chair. She felt a guard at the end of the telephone corridor twitch and focus on her, she didn't care. "Why the sour puss? What's up?"

"Boots we, you and me, we….."

"Kissed?" she offered, and with that he looked up and met her eyes. Deep and brown and trusting even now after all they'd seen, wide and honest and filled with a passion that caught his breath. "We kissed, Cal. You can say it, it's just the two of us, there's no party line…"

"Always joking, huh?" he chuckled, hunching his shoulders and leaning in to get closer to the glass. "Seriously though?"

"Seriously though, what, guapo?" she pushed, because this was on him, the ball was now and forever had been in his court. "What do you want me to say?"

"Just, you know, whatever you feel about it, or something?" he stumbled, then, chewing awkwardly on his cheek he stared her down in anticipation of the answer.

"What do I feel? Calvin I feel exactly the same way now that I did when we were teenagers. I think you know that. I think we both know that I have loved you, and I have been in love with you this whole time. I've given my body to more men than I can count but you're the only one I ever gave my heart."

"Tex…."

"You're under my skin, you're in my veins, you're the best friend and the best lover I've ever had…." lowering her gaze, in the closest he'd ever seen her come to coy, she then lifted butterfly lashes to declare, "…estoy loca por ti."

"I'm pretty fucking crazy about you too Boots."

"Not how I meant it…." she replied without hesitating, and it was his turn to flush. Feeling the hairs prickle at the nape of his neck, raise lightly on his arms, Calvin just stared at her. He couldn't look away.

"I, erm, so I was wondering…."

"Evie know you're here?"

"Yeah, yeah she does."

"Does she know…."

"Yup."

"Arliss you can't keep coming to visit me."

"What? Nah, no Tex that…."

"At least not for a while, okay? It isn't fair to your wife and I don't think this is doing either of us any good, do you?"

"But I'll miss you…." he said simply, at the look of abject anguish on his face broke her heart.

"And I'll miss you too, mi amor, but I think that what we both need right now is a little distance between us. You're twisted up into knots, Cal. It's actually physically painful to watch you try and puzzle what you're feeling right now. I can see it, my love, I can feel it."

"That obvious, huh?"

"You've got a beautiful wife at home, remember? You've got the family you always dreamed of, darling. Don't screw that up, any of it, not for me: not in my name."

"But…."

"Not in my name, Calvin."

"Texas….."

"And besides all of that, it's what I need too."

"You sure?" he tested, because it went against everything he felt to leave her alone with all that she was carrying.

"I've got a lot of stuff to work through, a lot of my own battles to fight….." flashing a smile she spoke from the heart, the only way she knew how, "… and it is confusing to me to have you here. I need to focus on working the steps. I need to focus on keeping myself out of trouble. I need to focus on getting home to Leni."

"I get that, sure, of course."

"Being around you right now I can't focus on anything else…." she whispered, the phone crackling, "… _that's_ what I feel about the kiss."

"I love you, Texas…." he murmured, lifting his hand to the glass.

"Take care of yourself Cal…." she replied, placing her palm flat on the other side: a mirror image. Then, with one last look she hung the phone on the wall and called for the guard to take her back to her cell.


	20. The Reflection Of A Life

"And what about this one? What's this one called?"

"Martillo!" "

"English?"

"Hammer!"

"Bien hecho Leni Legs, good job…." smiled Calvin, leaning over and ruffling Elena's dark hair as she assisted him in fixing a neighbours car, "… but we're gonna start to struggle here, your Uncle Cal is fresh out of Spanish tool words."

"Los clavos…" mumbled Leni under her breath, poking curious little fingers into the toolbox and pushing a handful of nails back and forth over the coloured plastic.

"Maybe, Smarty Pants?" laughed Calvin, not able to either confirm or deny. "You ask your Momma next time you see her okay, we have a hot button issue here and we need confirmation on whether whatever you just said is officially nails en Español."

"I ask Abuelo…."

"Yeah, yeah sure you can do that too." He said, deliberately smiling at Leni. None of this was her fault; he didn't want her to see how sad it made him that she could already find ways around Texas' absence in her little mind.

"I can do it…." were Elena's four favourite words, and stomping her yellow trainers one at a time up the little set of step ladders she hauled herself up beside Calvin and surveyed the open truck engine.

"Okay, sure, so you're gonna need this…." he indulged her without hesitation, grabbing an appropriate wrench and wrapping his broad palms around her tiny hands at the head of it. " Now we're gonna lean over, Legs, and we're gonna turn it real careful and tighten that bolt there, okay?"

"Leni can do it!"

"Okay, but you drop that wrench into there and we've got some real issues okay so…." letting go of her hands and standing back Calvin felt his heart swell to see her little pink tongue poke out in concentration.

"You four ready to come have something to eat?" called Olivia from the front step, holding her hand to her forehead to shield her eyes from the sun. "Leni you haven't had enough to drink today, come get some juice please baby?"

"Yes m'am, inbound…." nodded Calvin, scooping Leni by the waist and throwing her onto his back. She giggled, grabbing instinctively for his neck and holding fast.

"Good morning?" asked Olivia, as Calvin toted Elena and pushed the twin's double buggy toward the house.

"I think I'll have it running by the end of the day."

"I wasn't really meaning the truck, sweetheart."

"Thanks for letting us hang out here; I'm not sure what I'd have done with three of them at Fin's."

"Mi casa es su casa…"

"Livia!" shinning her way up Calvin's back like a tree trunk Leni's wide brown eyes popped out over his shoulder and stared elated at Olivia. "¿Hablas español?"

"Oh!" remembering herself Olivia laughed warmly, taking Leni's hand as Calvin plopped her down on the doormat. "Not really, no, my love, but maybe you can teach me?"

"Sure!" nodded Elena enthusiastically, tugging at Olivia's arm as Calvin manoeuvred the twins into the house.

"Can your Uncle Calvin speak Spanish?"

"Un poco…." came the non-comital reply from the side of Calvin's mouth as he shot Olivia a little smile, "… but it's real important to Tex that _she_ can, so I'm trying."

"Come on, let's get some lunch?" said Olivia, rescuing Calvin before the moment chocked him.

* * *

"Oh, hi….." said Eve, tossing her purse onto the couch and startling slightly to see Calvin in the family kitchen later that afternoon, "… you're still here!"

"Yeah, sorry about that."

"No! No don't be sorry I just…." hesitating a moment, hating how awkward it was Eve segued, "… that for the twins?" she asked, gesturing toward the bottle he had just taken from the microwave.

"Nah, nah I just wanted a snack so…"

"Shut up!" relaxing, she laughed. "You want me to take one?"

"I got it, no worries."

"I know you have but the offer is still there. We could sit together, talk maybe?"

"Sure, sure then, thanks."

"Of course…." smiling, if a little guarded, Eve took the bottle already warm on the side and look at him. It was strange to her how in some ways nothing had changed, and yet at the same time it all felt so new. "They in the bedroom?"

"Nah, nah the yard. Leni is painting your mom's nails and the twins are supervising."

"Leni's here?" asked Eve lightly, wandering toward the door and seeing the little girl clambering over Olivia in the yard.

"Yeah, sorry, about that. I'm sorry, I just, it worked out so as it was my day to have all three of them and it's kinda cramped at Fin's place. Plus I said I'd work on the guy down the street's car as a favour to your Mom, and Leni loves to help with shit like that so…"

"Calvin?" she cut in, before he ran out of breath.

"Yeah?"

"Will you do something for me? Something really important?"

"Yeah, sure, anything, of course?"

"Will you please stop apologising?" and then widening her eyes and laughing at how ludicrous their situation sometimes seemed she shook her head. "For _everything_ Cal? Please? You don't need to, not even close. It's like your nineteen again and I'm my Dad!"

"He really hated me, huh?" it was Calvin's turn to laugh now and they enjoyed a warm moment of reminiscing.

"We are where we are, babe. I'm as lost and confused as you are. I just need you to know that I still love you, I still see you under all of this. I don't need you to hate yourself because I don't hate you. You kissed Texas, and we're gonna have to get over that or get around it somehow. I wish though that you wouldn't act like I'm attacking you constantly, because I'm not…."

"I know you're not, that's on me and I'm sorry."

"Everything you built, Cal? Everything you worked for? It's still here, you still have it all, it isn't gone. You're still the same awesome father, brother, friend and husband that you were pre-Texasgate. You are the hardest person in the world to be mad at because you are better at punishing yourself than anyone else will ever be…." walking over to him and hugging him with a sigh she insisted, "… so stop kicking yourself, okay?"

"Texasgate?" he asked, a little smirk finding its way to his mouth and making her giggle. "That's funny."

"You gotta laugh where you can, right?"

"Right, right….." deciding to catch her in this honest mood he tested, "… and it doesn't bother you? That I'm taking Leni in Texas' visitation slots?"

"Why are you doing it Calvin?"

"Because she asked me to."

"That's not a real answer."

"So I can talk to her about her Mom, keep Tex in her little head as much as I can because I know Gil fucking won't. I'm doing it so Legs doesn't forget her mother while she's inside, serving time I should be. That a real answer?"

"Yes, and is _exactly_ the reason that I think what you're doing is beautiful and kind and decent and I fully support it."

"Huh, well, thanks, really." He mumbled gruffly, the awkwardness and complexity of their situation continuing to dumbfound him. Shaking it off, tossing the ball back to her he eyed her smart outfit and chignon hair, "Where've you been anyway? You look great…."

"I went to speak to a couple of detectives and support workers down at SVU. I'm just sort of trying to figure out whether that's the right path for me, you know?"

"Yeah, yeah sure….." he nodded encouragingly, "… it's good to do your research."

"Cal…."

"I just wondered what you thought, you know? I mean I know I kind of blindsided you with the whole Academy thing. I've been looking into a couple of other options, you know, ones that might be a little easier on the family. I talked to my parents and they're nervous, you know, the time I'd be away from the babies…." not having spoken this way with him in a while, this candid, this together, Eve added hesitantly, "… the risks."

"I mean I guess they'd know better than anyone."

"What do you think?"

"Honestly Bambi I just want you to be happy..." he shrugged, and it frustrated her that he wasn't willing to engage, to debate, to weigh up the pros and cons with her as partners, "… you know I'll back you whatever, right?"

"Yeah, yeah I know but…."

"But what?" he asked, and she sensed this was not the time. Instead she held up the bottle in her hand and gave it a little shake, stepping out onto the porch. "You wanna go feed our babies together?" she asked, heading out into the yard and looking back at him. "Come on, we'll rescue my poor mother from Leni's beauty studio while we're there."

"She's teaching her Spanish."

"Wow, it's quite the comprehensive service she offers!"

"You can still speak a little Spanish right?" he remembered, though he knew she was shy to practice it.

"A tiny little bit, but don't tell Leni!" she was brighter again, her eyes were alive and she could joke and laugh in a way she hadn't been able to for a while. Calvin smiled, wide and filled with joy to see it. "It's our secret, okay?"

"Your secret's safe with me Bambi."

* * *

"Thanks for meeting me."

"I was kinda surprised to get your message…." said Calvin, sliding up onto the barstool beside Elliot.

The bar was almost empty, as it would be mid-afternoon on an unremarkable Tuesday, and that was Elliot's intention. This was the kind of conversation had better in a quiet, wood lined location with a beer reassuringly in hand.

"I reckoned maybe the two chattiest members of the family needed to have a little talk man to man."

"That code for you're gonna buy me a beer and then take me out back and beat the crap out of me?" mused Calvin. It was a little saddening to Elliot to note the air of resignation in the younger man's tone, and now despite this very real fear of what was about to happen he wasn't showing any signs of leaving.

"Tell me about Texas Mendoza?"

"I…." it was not a question he had anticipated, in all the scenarios he had run through in his head. "What'd you want me to say sir?"

"Start with just one fact, go on? Tell me one thing that I don't already know about her."

"Are we playing some sort of game here Mr S because honestly I just…." seeing Elliot's glare, knowing that participation in whatever was happening was not optional Calvin swallowed slowly. "I guess she can eat food hotter than anyone I've ever met. Is that cliché? Because she's Latina? I dunno, sorry if it is. I just strongly fucking caution you against pissing her off and then letting her feed you chilli."

"Okay, that's a fair start, now another fact. Try something a little deeper."

"I just never really had you down as a head shrinker, honestly, I…."

"Go with it? Because I'm asking you to?"

"She puts other people first, sir."

"Is that right?"

"It leads her to make terrible choices. All the horrible choices she's ever made have been to save other people's asses. She always drank, but that's normal right? She never touched drugs till she first got raped and then Johnny had her whoring for cash. She just did it to numb it all out. Then later she did it to keep a roof over our heads, keep food on the table. I stole things, I hotwired cars, worked a chop shop or two."

"I didn't know that."

"Come to think of it you didn't ask either, shit I gave you that one for free…." laughed Calvin darkly, no longer afraid of Elliot Stabler. His opinion still carried unbearable weight, but he was beyond trying to hold himself to an impossible standard. He could no more change his past than he could transplant his heart and soul in the present.

"We did it to survive, we did it for each other."

"I get that, I see it, I can understand it."

"You can?" asked Calvin, a little surprised. Then taking a long sip of his beer he heard himself say, "She's not perfect Mr S, hell she's a nightmare to keep on the straight and narrow. She's impulsive, hot headed, she's heart first head just chasing. She's stubborn and frustrating and she is exhausting, that's Boots. Actually that's something you probably already know about her - she's fucking hard work."

"But she's worth it….." said Elliot, a quiet husk, "… right?"

"I…."

"I'm gonna tell you a story now, son. I'm gonna tell you my story. I don't know that I'm doing the right thing here, I don't know if it helps or if I'm just confusing things more. I just felt like while we're backing Evie so hard, while we've got her at home wrapped up tight in her old life, it might just be something you needed to hear."

"Okay?"

"I'm a Marine. I hate saying _was_ because honestly a part of me never left. I loved it, I loved that life. I don't know that it loved me the whole time. I don't know that it did me any good, but it felt like it did. I felt like a real man in that uniform. I had strength, integrity, my life had purpose and direction and I knew each and every morning when I got out of bed that I would achieve something. That I would go to bed that night with a sense that it hadn't been a day wasted."

"I get that…." said Calvin, and Elliot knew just exactly how powerful their shared military connection was, "… truly I do."

"I was totally in love with Cathy when I married her. We were young and we were sweethearts and even though Maureen took us a little by surprise it was good. It was all good, for a long time. I'm not saying it was easy because it wasn't. Not by a long way. We were dirt poor and I was working all hours. I was desperate to prove myself to my Dad and to avoid becoming my mother at all costs."

"I know a little about your mother from Evie."

"Then you know we have more than uniform in common."

"Yes sir."

"I was fighting on so many fronts. I was trying to make it work as a police officer, then a detective. I was trying to raise one, then two, then three and four kids and the bills were pounding day in day out. I tried to be a good husband, a good father. I worked at it like I worked at my job. I listened to Cathy, tried to support her raising the babies, we fought but we got through it. It was fine."

"You make it work, right."

"Right."

"I get what you're saying, I'm hearing you. I understand what you're trying to…."

"No, nah I don't think you do, son….." said Elliot, cautious at first before rolling his eyes and fulling giving up, giving in, giving himself to the situation. "Because what I'm about to tell you next is that one day somewhere in the late 1990's a woman walked into the 16th precinct and everything changed."

"Huh…." nodded Calvin, a wide grin filling his face at the thought of it, "… Livia?"

"I cheated on my wife, Cal."

"Yes, sir."

"I worked with Liv for years and I knew, damn it I knew that whole time that if I let myself I'd go there. I kept myself awake at night, I tied myself up in knots and broke myself into a million pieces trying not to fall in love with her. It was wrong, right? I was a married man, I'd taken vows to my wife. I had a family and a life and I couldn't do it to them."

"No, sir."

"Day in day out I worked with Detective Benson and we were partners. We were close friends, allies, we knew each other inside out and back to front. Sometimes we were better cops because of it and sometimes we were worse. Sometimes the way we felt about each other, how close we'd gotten, it made us make decisions and choices that we shouldn't have while carrying that badge."

"I've never heard about this stuff….." said Calvin, fascinated.

"I started to realise, that that whole time I thought I was fighting it. The whole time I thought I was keeping it at arms-length I was just kidding myself."

"How you felt about Livia?"

"Some days we'd get into it on the job and she'd come into harm's way and I'd do what I had to do. I'd put her life above everything else and she'd do the same for me. That's not how it's supposed to go. Some days it was the little stuff, the times I'd realise that I'd chosen to work late just because she was and I'd lied to Cath about it. The times I'd hear something funny on the radio, or see something that made me laugh on the subway and I couldn't wait to tell her about it."

"Her?" but Calvin knew exactly which of the two women Elliot was referring to.

"She'd gotten under my skin, she'd gotten so deep into my soul, so twisted up into my every thought and emotion that it just got harder. It was like a clock was ticking, and every stakeout we did alone, every night we worked late just the two of us, every look that lasted just that _little bit_ too long…."

"Wow."

"So I left the job."

"Okay, so now this is a part of the story I've heard before. There was a…."

"Shooting? Yeah, yeah there was. That's the reason I gave. The aftermath, the way it changed how I felt about the job. That was what I let everyone believe made me leave, even Olivia."

"But it wasn't true?"

"I couldn't be around her anymore. I could no longer work alongside Liv feeling the way I was feeling about her, knowing how badly I wanted things to be different and still look my wife in the eye on a night. It was tearing me up inside. The more I tried to deny it the more the little lies chocked me. I was cheating on Cathy in thought if not in deed for so many years it still plays on my conscience even now."

"I really appreciate you being so honest with me Mr S."

"I'm not just doing it for you. I'm doing it for Evie too. I need you to know that there are three scenarios here and only two of them are acceptable to me as her father. Only two of them make you the man I believe you to be, the man I trust that you are."

"I'm listening, sir."

"Scenario one you have only platonic feelings for Texas, deep down, in your gut, in your honest heart. You only see her as a sister, a friend, a close, close friend. You kissed her and you felt nothing, it was a mistake, and you've already forgotten how it felt. You never imagine anything happening with her. She walks into a room, she touches you, she laughs and you don't feel even slightly confused about how that makes you feel. You can look Evie in the eye at any time, any moment, and swear to her that she is the only woman you want or will ever want."

"Right."

"Scenario two you're in love with Texas and you're honest with Evie about that and you let her go."

"Just like that?"

"If scenario two is in play then we don't need to say anymore."

"So what's three?"

"Scenario three is the one that I cannot let stand Calvin. It's the one I lived, it's one foot out the door. Scenario three you stay with Evie, telling her you're all in, you're committed to your marriage. You try your damn hardest to convince her and to convince yourself that what's going on with you and Texas is purely platonic. You live a lie, Cal. You make a fool out of Evie and you waste her time and you break her heart. You break you own trying to deny the inevitable. You put a band aid over the bullet hole."

"You said you left SVU though? That fixed things, right?"

"I guess I thought that out of sight out of mind would fix things, yeah."

"And did it?"

"I thought about her every single day. I missed her like someone had reached into my chest and ripped my heart out. I started to resent Cathy for not being her. I drank too much, I got angry, I got sad. I cursed myself for letting her go, letting the one woman I knew by then that I belonged with get away."

"I'm glad you found her again. I'm glad things worked out the way they did for you and Livia."

"I need you to figure out what scenario you're dealing with here. I need you to figure it out a hell of a lot quicker than I did."

"Yes, sir."

"Evie deserves better than scenario three, Calvin. Now I'm not saying that I wouldn't favour the first option, or that the second wouldn't break her heart too. All I'm asking is that you're honest. You're honest with her…." shrugging, because he knew how hard it was to walk in Calvin's shoes Elliot sighed, "… just be honest with your damn self, son."

* * *

"Hi."

"Hey, sweetheart…." said Olivia quietly, her face etched with concern as she stared at a noticeably thinner Texas through smeary glass, "…. how are you?"

"Fine, all good, how are you?" came the steady, measured reply. "You've had more stress than anyone should do after an organ transplant. I'm fairly sure none of this was planned into your recovery schedule."

"I didn't come here to talk about me, love."

"But are you taking care of yourself? Are you seeing your doctor? Olivia you do realise the risks in late stage rejection of that kidney?" shifting forward, her slightly frosted resolve slipping Texas urged, "Please take it easy? There are too many people on this planet who can't live without you for you to be careless with your health."

"I will I promise. I'll rest; I'll follow doctor's orders. I will take care of _myself_ if you will promise me you're doing the same?" and at that Texas couldn't help but smile. She was good, she was very good.

"You do know what I did, right?"

"Okay, well, firstly the way you're saying that makes me think that…."

"I kissed Calvin, ey?" guard back up, Texas sat back in her chair and almost challenged Olivia to respond.

"I think that it was maybe a little more complicated than you're putting across there. Am I right?" then not waiting for Texas to respond Olivia slid forward in her plastic chair and sighed. Leaning her head on her elbow, holding the phone in her other hand she smiled understandingly at Texas, "But honestly what I really came here to find out was how _you're_ coping with all this."

"Is he…."

"Honestly?" because she knew enough of this situation to know what Texas needed more than anything was the truth Olivia gave it to her. "He's a mess, Texas. He's confused, he's trying to put on a brave face but I think what happened has really brought up a lot of feelings for him."

"Right, right I guess it could do that."

"But I'm not telling you that to make you feel bad, or sad, or to worry about him. We'll take care of him, we've got him. What I'm wanting to make clear to you sweetheart is that as much as it hurts me to see Evie hurting in all this, to see Calvin hurting…."

"Olivia?" said Texas softly, staring at the older woman who sat for several long moments with her head buried in her hands. Then Olivia moved the receiver back to her ear, and gave Texas her teary eyes.

"I know first-hand that it hurts like hell to be the other woman too."

"I…."

"To be completely in love with someone who belongs to someone else. To stuff the feelings so deep down, for so long that you're choking on them. To feel guilty and destructive for wanting someone when you know full well the only way you can have them is to break up a family. It sits on your chest, heavy, and it makes it hard to breathe. It weighs on your heart, with a lot of shame and a lot of…."

"Olivia?" sobbed Texas, tears streaming down her cheeks as she leant forward and pressed an open palm hard against the glass. "Oh Livia don't cry! Oh por favor no llores!"

"I get it, Tex….." said Olivia, catching her own breath against tears of a memory that hurt to recall and pressing her hand against the glass over Texas', "… sweetheart, I understand, I really do. I'm not angry, I'm not judging you."

"Thank you…." was all Texas could manage, as another sob wracked through her and she attempted to swallow it quiet in case the duty guard caught her.

"Don't let it cost you your sobriety, don't let it cost you a second chance with Leni…." insisted Olivia with an impassioned plea, "… because I will help you with both of those, my love, I promise."

"I'll stay strong, I swear I won't quit, I won't give up."

"I just want you to remember, sweetheart, that whatever happens next you are a strong, beautiful, intelligent, independent woman. You have power, you have your own voice, you have choices and a future ahead of you."

"I know, I do, I…."

"But you don't believe it, I know. I see you, Texas, I see you…." it almost burned, the intensity with which Olivia looked at her through the glass, staring so deep into her soul it gave Texas butterflies, "… but I won't quit either. I will never give up on you, sweetheart, and I will never stop trying to make you believe all those things: to believe in yourself."

"You don't think I'm a whore, for kissing him? For wanting him?"

"No! Oh God Texas!"

"It's not sordid, I swear it. I've loved him longer than I can even remember. It know it seems cheap, dirty, that here I am the jailbird pining after someone else's husband. I can push past it; I can get over him again. I've done it before, over and over again."

"I know, I know you have…." and she had too, and she knew just how hard it was, and just how much of a toll it took.

"Can I ask you a question?" dared Texas, the powerful empathy emanating from Olivia giving her trust reborn. "A personal one? You don't have to answer."

"Try me?"

"What if he'd stayed?" said Texas simply, and the question slapped Olivia around the face with the alternative reality it posed. "What if he'd chosen to stay with her? Would you have fought for him?"

"I don't think I can answer that question because…."

"Because of Evie?"

"No, I mean, yes, partly of course. I just think that honestly I couldn't have had it on my conscience. It had to come from him. I had to let him go, I had to give him the choice because that way all I'd done was love him. It somehow absolved the…." then laughing at herself, and feeling that Texas would appreciate the break in tension she quipped drily, "… I mean I was pregnant with his child so that was kind of…"

"Oh right!" it was so beautiful, so exquisitely raw and deeply lovable the way Olivia was prepared to open up to her this way. "Right, wow, I mean that kind of really threw in a curve ball there I guess."

"Just don't tell me you pregnant and we're fine, we can handle this."

"No, no m'am I am not. That is one small mercy here at least or I'd be totally screwed…." then covering her mouth, trying to catch the words Texas' eyes widened, "… oh fuck! Sorry! And sorry for the f-bomb, damn it!"

"Relax, sweetheart, I'm not your mother!"

"No, no you _are not_ ….." sighed Texas with a sardonic laugh and characteristic eye roll, "… this hot mess right here is sure as hell not something you would've raised."

"He loves you. For better or worse, in whatever form, whatever expression of that we end up with here that boy loves you so very much. You're not a hot mess, you're his best friend, you've been his partner in crime most of his life. That doesn't just all count for nothing, no matter what happens next."

"I hope not."

"And I might not be your mother but I consider myself your friend, Texas, and that doesn't count for nothing either…." nodding resolutely Olivia vowed, "… whatever happens next."


	21. Chances Are Only What We Make Them

**Firstly thank you, as ever, for continuing to read and reply. I hugely appreciate it! You may have sense that we've plateaued slightly in recent updates and I hope that this hasn't been too dull, or samey for you to ready. I know I do usually move at pace with my writing. Needless to say we are approaching a cliff face, and this is somewhat of a calm before a storm chapter. Things are about to ratchet up in intensity imminently!**

 **I'm also wondering whether the pace of the updates is good for you guys? Feel free to let me know if it's too fast. I wouldn't update any faster than every few days as I tend to normally, but would it be better if it were longer between updates? Any comments, good or bad always welcomed in the pursuit of improvement! :)**

* * *

"Oh and look at this one Leni, see how it's got those big claws?"

"It's scary."

"They're not going to hurt you, sweetheart, it's so that it can get into its food. Like big nuts, or things that are tough to open and…."

"That's very scientific, very accurate…." snorted Calvin, chuckling to himself from behind the double buggy as he and Evie strolled casually around the zoo.

"Ignore your mean Uncle!" she shot back, narrowing her eyes and poking out her tongue.

Walking slightly ahead, Elena's hand held tightly in hers Eve felt the most contented she had in a long time. It felt good to be outside, and the weather was even on their side, with a warm Spring sunshine at their backs. Leni was a joy to look after, always smiling, chatting, she made Eve laugh. It also brought her a joy she couldn't quite explain, that despite everything, after all that had happened, the Amaro and Stabler families were now managing to come together for this little girl. It takes a village, she thought to herself, as Leni skipped along beside her.

"Look Uncle Calvin! Fat monkeys!"

"I think that they're baboons, sweetie…." corrected Eve, stifling a laugh.

"Cuántos hay?" asked Calvin, rotating with Evie and lifting Elena up so that she could see better into the enclosure.

"Are we counting them?" guessed Eve, manoeuvring the buggy so that the twins could see and so that she was stood closer to him.

"Cinco!" cried Leni with maintained enthusiasm, one chubby hand clamped around Calvin's neck and the other waving wildly at the baboons.

"Good job, Legs."

"They are really, really ugly, huh?" noted Eve, wrinkling her nose as one of the animals itched itself indelicately. "He's loving that butt scratch he's having there…."

"Bambi you're hilarious…." smiled Calvin, shunting his hips sideways and deliberately jostling her.

"Remember when we first came here? You brought me when we were kids?"

"I remember….." he nodded, meeting her eyes and sharing in the fond memory, "… you were equally grossed out by the animal kingdom."

"Hey!"

"I mean you've now had two kids and I saw those two nuggets come straight out of your…."

"Cal!" she yelped, giving his arm a sharp smack and shaking her head rapidly knowing just how bright Elena was.

"So you have _no right_ to judge Butt Scratcher over here for…."

"Shut up!" she groaned, but she was laughing, giggling, like a teenager again around him. "You're such hard work!"

"Whatever, you still love me!" he shot back unthinking, and then catching himself his face fell in panic. He shouldn't have said that, at least not then, not in that moment.

"I do…." she said quietly, reaching for his hand and sliding hers into it, "… you're right."

"So, I, ermm, I reckon we should probably see about getting us some lunch…." he stumbled.

"Ice cream!"

"No, no proper food, cheeky monkey…." smiled Eve, seemingly not fazed, "… maybe later you can get an ice cream."

* * *

"I am _so glad_ that you did not tell me this story on the phone. I don't think I'd have slept a single night for the rest of your trip if I'd known."

"They were just guns Mom. You walked around this city armed for how many years?"

"I'm not a Mexican cartel member!" laughed Olivia, throwing her head back and laughing with wide rolling eyes at her son's casual approach. "Well, anyways Sammy needless to say I'm blissfully happy to have you home safe."

"I'm happy to be home too."

"It sounds like you had a wonderful adventure…." she said, smiling warmly at Sam who smiled back and nodded emphatically.

"I really did."

"You seem like you're in a really good place, son. It's good to see, really, really good to see."

"I'm exited Mom. I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere, going somewhere, making something of my life. This car shop with Calvin is gonna be awesome. I get to work with my best friend, my buddy, my bro, and we get to make some money and build something together. It doesn't get any better, right?"

"Right, right I'm excited for you both. Have you spoken to Cal? I mean have you…."

"Yeah, yeah I have."

"Does he seem…." hesitating, Olivia trailed off. She could hear Elliot in the back of her mind, cautioning her with getting too involved. Maybe this was really was something that they all just needed to work through on their own.

"Different?" offered Sam, bringing her back into the conversation. "Yeah, yeah I mean sometimes. Not if we're just having a laugh, not if we're just hanging out. I think he's a little messed up about the stuff with Vee and Texas though. I guess that's not surprising."

"No, no it isn't."

"What'd you think Mom?" asked Sam, curious. "What'd you think he should do? How'd you think this should all play out now?"

"I really can't comment on that Sammy, I don't think any of us can."

"I can! I don't care what the hell they do as long as the status quo changes. I want this cloud to lift. I want things to get back to normal around here without all the moping and the long looks and the weird fug Calvin and Evie are both in."

* * *

"That's a big smile for a sad girl."

"Sad girl?" not a tag she took kindly to being associated with Eve started a little perplexed at her brother. "Is that how you see me?"

"No! I was just teasing, not at all." he said, but the die was already cast. "Can we just rewind to me asking why the big smile? Why are you rocking a snazzy two piece at noon on a random Thursday?"

"I got a job, Sammy…." biting her lip, still grinning, Eve kicked up her heel and did a little twirl. Her purse dangled a little awkwardly, her hair caught the breeze she created, and her brother's smile was as wide as the Atlantic.

"That's more like it! Way to go, Vee!" he whooped, punching the air and wheeling over to give her a hug. "I didn't even know you had an interview? Do we really still have that much to catch up on?"

"I didn't tell anyone."

"Seriously?"

"It was just something I had to do for myself, by myself, if that makes any sense?" to him, it made perfect sense, so much so he just took a moment. "It's nothing huge, nothing fancy. I'm basically one step up from an unpaid intern but I got a really good vibe from them."

"Who? Who is it? Where's the job at?" he asked, intently curious and deeply invested in anything that had his sister so bright and engaged with life. "You want a coffee? Soda? Come take a pew and tell me about it."

"Water would be awesome I feel someone sucked my mouth dry. I talked and talked, thank God something I said clearly made an impact. So it's a non-profit over in Brooklyn and I saw their poster in a bathroom."

"Wait you answered a job advert you saw in a bathroom stall?" asked Sam, handing her a glass of water and pulling a face. "Should I be worried about what trade you're getting into here Vee?"

"Ha! No! No, I mean they had a poster offering their support in a bathroom and I saw it and it kind, well, it sound stupid…."

"You are stupid so…."

"Hey!"

"Shoot from the hip, sis, trust me when I say there is no one more completely on your side than I am. This is a safe space…." gesturing his arms in circular motions Sam was being just a tiny bit facetious but it made her giggle, and more than comfortable enough to continue.

"It's for rape and sexual assault survivors, that's what they do, that's who they are."

"Wow…"

"I just sat there peeing and I looked over and I saw literally the ugliest and the worst presented poster I ever saw."

"I'm staying with this, waiting for the…."

"I redesigned it. I loved their message but I hated their marketing so I used what I know, what I learned, what I minored in in college and I found an advert for a data entry clerk at their company…."

"Wait? Their data entry clerks design their marketing materials?"

"No, no but you don't get if you don't ask right? So I went to that interview and then when they asked if I had any questions I said that I did. I asked them whether they would take a look at the poster, and the other materials I'd worked on. I suggested that their tone was off, that as a survivor myself I felt like their message was a little…." tilting her head one way and then the other she shrugged, "… confused."

"So you hijacked an interview and told the company that their work sucked? You insulted them?"

"I made some constructive suggestions!"

"You're are quite something Evie Grace!" he laughed, deep and open. "How did they not tell you to go to hell?"

"I don't know….." she smiled, then it broadened to a toothy grin as she hunched her shoulders with excitement, "…maybe my luck is turning."

"So what? They just loved your work and offered you a job right there and then?"

"No, not quite. They tore my work to pieces and pretty much told me I was way out of line to do what I did."

"Okay…."

"But then I guess they said something about me having balls and a little fire and that they made no big promises but they liked me and if I wanted to be a junior, junior, junior, dogsbody in their marketing team then I could have it for a princely sum per annum."

"A princely sum?"

"Would not even cover rent."

"Gotcha."

"I don't know if it's right Sammy, maybe I should've talked to someone before I did it. I don't know. Maybe this is me being too chicken to apply to the Academy, or maybe it's a sign I shouldn't do that at all. I don't know. The one thing I do know is that I went in there today and it felt good. I was nervous but I talked myself up. I put on my game face, I picked up my pompoms and I talked at them and I was bossy, and a know it all, and audacious and annoying and…."

"Totally awesome."

"You don't think it's crazy? You don't think _I'm_ crazy?"

"Well, I mean, yes and yes. You didn't tell _anyone_ you were doing this? Not even Cal or Mom?"

"I didn't think anything would come of it. I just did the stuff while I was home with the kids, it started out as kind of just a way to keep my brain alive and then it just kind of….." shrugging Eve added quietly, "… became something else."

"So _that's_ what you've been sketching and writing lately!"

"I have until Friday at noon to let them know whether or not I'm going to accept their offer."

"Wait, what? You didn't accept already? Evie!"

"I have two kids, Sammy. Who's gonna take care of them? I have no clue where Calvin and I are at right now and it's not going to help the situation my just blindsiding him with another of Evie's grand ideas of what to do with her life."

"So you're gonna talk to him about it?"

"Sam of course I am, he's my husband."

"I know, sure, I know that I just…."

"We're a little bashed up right now but we're still us, we're still married, we're still a family. I don't know what this would mean for us."

"So full disclosure?"

"What?"

"I may have had a grand idea of my own and I may have made Calvin somewhat of a proposition. I just didn't know about what you were planning, or I would've run it past you both at the same time."

"Wow, we sure do seem to have some communication issues in this family these days. What kind of proposition?"

"The car shop."

"The one he's been talking to Dad about?"

"I wanna go fully in with him Vee. I wanna get a joint loan, help him get credit with the bank if I can. We'll do it together, me and him, as partners."

"Wow."

"Now it's your turned to be a little stunned, huh?"

"No! No, I mean yeah, but I think it's a great idea. It's such a good idea, it's exiting. You should go for it, both of you."

"He said he'd think about it. I assume he needs to talk to you first."

"Then I guess he and I have a lot to talk about."

* * *

"Not a face I thought I'd see come through here."

"I'm glad you accepted my request to come."

"Everything okay?" asked Texas, a little concerned as she sat opposite Eve in the cubicle. "I mean Leni she's…."

"She's really great, Texas. Honestly, she's the best little kid. She misses you, she sends kisses I saw her this morning."

"You did?"

"Calvin has her at our place sometimes, she likes the yard and the swing….." not entirely sure where the lines where, were the boundaries of what would constitute normal or appropriate lay anymore Eve shrugged, "… she's teaching my mom some Spanish. They hang out."

"There are a hell of a lot worse people she could be hanging out with than your mom. I'm really glad. And you're okay with it? Having her at your place and…."

"Tex she's family, she is. I can't say that loud enough…." swiping everything off the table in one defiant movement Eve found Texas' eyes, "… you both are."

"That's pretty big of you….." acknowledged Texas, a little guarded, a little wary considering all that had happened, "… considering."

"Texas…."

"We don't have to talk about it Evie. I just don't really know what you want from me, what you want me to say. I wronged you and I know it. You and your mom, your whole family, have shown me kindnesses again and again that it's questionable whether or not I deserved. I repaid you in spades by using and drinking and letting you down….." she was harder, a little tougher to reach than she had been when she'd started her sentence several months earlier noted Eve, "… and kissing your husband."

"It's complicated, we both know that."

"What do you want Eve? Why'd you come?" pushed Texas, unable to escape the feeling that she was somehow walking into a trap. "Why'd you come here?"

"I guess I've just been trying to get my head around it all. Calvin isn't in a great place, neither of us are I don't know what any of it means. I'm not here to be mad at you for the kiss, I'm just trying to process everything that's going on and I thought, well, I just had to talk to you."

"Well you've got approximately twenty seven more minutes to do that so you might wanna start coming around to your main conversation points sooner rather than later."

"Are you angry with me?"

"No, nah, I'm sorry, mija, I didn't mean to snap."

"But you…."

"I'm a junkie trying to stay clean locked up in a candy store of narcotics. I'm one bitch slap from these idiots away from drinking myself into oblivion on a daily basis. My daughter has her birthday next week and I'll spend it in this glorious establishment missing every minute. I'm not quite sure what it is that you want me to say Evie."

"I…."

"I'm trying to figure out my crap. I'm trying to be a better person. I'm trying to stop hiding and really face up to who I am, to all that am, and to all the things I'm most afraid of. I can barely find my own answers, mija. I sure as hell can't find you yours!"

"Do you love him?"

"Who Calvin?"

"I suppose what I mean is….." because she had to hear it, she had to know, because she trusted that Texas would know her own heart even if Calvin didn't know his, "…are you in love with him?"

"Are you?"

"I…."

"Because it seems to me that if you were we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"What? No! No that…"

"I know where I go when I'm frightened. I know where I go when I'm hurt and confused. I drink and I use and I sleep with the wrong men and _plenty_ of them. I accept that I have not made good choices, or found good ways to cope with my life. But what about you, pretty girl? What do you hide behind?"

"I don't know."

"Don't you?" pushed Texas, and Eve didn't mind.

She didn't even flinch. She needed this, it was strangely liberating, detoxifying, to have someone speak to her that way. Like she wouldn't break, like she was far from perfect, and like they weren't afraid to fire a disabling shot if it stopped her running entirely off the road. Texas was angry, emotional, like a wild animal backed into a corner and chained but she still cared. She was still sitting there, and it was strangely her opinion Eve wanted to hear most.

"I suppose I hide behind my family. I hide behind my Mom and Dad. I run home. I get scared, or hurt and I run home. I know they'll protect me. I know they'll take care of me until I'm feeling strong again."

"Well okay then, now we're really talking honestly."

"You didn't answer my question…." dared Eve, her fingers wrapping a little tighter around the telephone receiver.

"You want me to say it? You really wanna hear it?"

"I think I need to."

"Yes, Blancanieves. The answer to your question is yes, I am in love with Calvin."

"I think I already knew that."

"You wanna know something else? While we're doing this thing, this girl talk, this sharing, this whatever the hell we're doing here? If that ring you're wearing had been on my finger? If he'd been my husband and you'd kissed him? I'd have clawed your fucking eyes out."

"I…."

"Fight for him, Evie. For God's sake! Get angry, get pissed, call me names, curse my very existence! I kissed your husband and I _enjoyed_ it and that should make you furious. It should make you blind with anger, insanely jealous and cut so deep you want to cut me and have it hurt twice as much."

"But you're you! You and he have this thing! You're too close for me to do that!"

"No, no Evie…." said Texas slowly, her eyes locking Evie's in a way that was more of a plea than a threat, "… we're too close for you **not** to do that."

"Wow…." swallowed Eve, winded by the power of the older woman's words.

"All I ask, the _only_ thing I will ever ask of you is that you love him. You love him and you fight for him, you fight for him like he's something you can't bear to lose and you put him first the way he _always_ does you."

"Texas…."

"If you love him, if you want him, if you're in love with him and being with him is what you want then you **fight** for him; you fight for your marriage. I promise I'll get out the way. I swear it. You won't have any trouble from me. I won't come between the two of you again you have my word."

"I wasn't..." she had lost words, at that point, so turned over where Eve's insides. Then suddenly, quite out of nowhere, she heard herself say, "What you did for him? What you're doing for him, here. It's really beautiful Tex. I know it's not about me, I know it was him and the kids you did it for but just so you know, well, I just wanted to say: thank you."

"De nada."

* * *

"I really need to talk to you Cal."

"Yeah, yeah me too actually."

"I think I know what you're going to say. I spoke to Sammy."

"Right, right of course you did."

"No! No it wasn't like that. Please don't think it was. He and I were just talking about something that I've got going on, an opportunity that's presented itself to me and it all just kind of came out in the wash."

"What opportunity?"

"A job offer."

"Wow, wow that's amazing. What job?"

"I'd be like a junior, not quite sure what they'd call me, an associate I guess, in a marketing department. The marketing department of a non-profit based out of Brooklyn, they support survivors of rape and sexual assault. It sounds amazing, everything I've read and seen about them. I think I could do a lot of good."

"Evie that's incredible….." marvelled Calvin, genuinely in awe as he slid across the sofa and grabbed for her hand, "… you took it, right? You told them you'll take it?"

"I…."

"You did that stuff, right? At Brown? Words are your thing, you'd be awesome at marketing."

"But what about your car shop, babe? Sam lit up this room talking about the two of you setting it up together. It's what you've been dreaming about too, right?"

"Do we have to pick just one?" asked Calvin simply, sitting back a little and thinking on the notion. "I mean sure it might be hard, but we can figure it out I reckon. I could take the babies to work with me…."

"Not really…." she smiled, adoring his sentiment, his enthusiasm, but not sure of the practicalities, ".. not as they get bigger."

"Leni loves helping me fix up cars, maybe they will too."

"Calvin we'd need childcare and I don't know that I feel comfortable asking my Mom and Dad. This is supposed to be their time, they're supposed to be taking it easier not taking on twin babies full time."

"No, no I agree."

"Okay then I think…."

"You should take the job….." he said, and the words crashed into her suggestion simultaneously uttered.

"You should open the garage with Sammy."

"Damn it!" she laughed, still holding his hand.

"What'd we do now, Bambi?" he asked, as they hit an impasse. "I can wait, we can hold our plans a while. I mean your job offer is now; it's time sensitive, right? They're not gonna hang around."

"But you've been talking about wanting to give a car shop a try ever since you first put your papers in. It was your big thing, it was what you wanted to do if you weren't in the Army. It was part of the whole moving back to New York plan, right?"

"Evie you deserve this. It's your turn…." widening his eyes, joking in a moment of sincerity the way only Calvin could he put on a voice, "… it's your time to shine."

"But…."

"It's what I want, Bambi. You taking this job? You getting your confidence back? It's what I want. Will you let me do this for you? I'm asking you to let me doing this for you. I'll take the babies, I'll be Mr Mom a while."

"But are you **sure** Cal?" she asked, then seesawing back again she shook her head, "No, no I can't. We have to figure out another way, we have to find a way we can both get what we want."

"We will, sure we will, in time. I just need for you to call those people and tell them it's on, tell them Evie G is in the house before they change their minds. Babe I haven't seen you smile, you buzz like this in a really long time. Don't let that get away, okay? I won't let you."

"Calvin…."

"The car shop can wait, we'll do our research. Sammy and I will work on our ideas and then maybe in the future we can get the kids into a daycare, or something, when they're older?"

"Yeah, yeah sure, definitely."

"Go make that call, girl…." he smiled, leaning forward and pressing an encouraging kiss firmly against her forehead, "…. I love you."

"I love you too!" she gasped, grabbing his face and kissing him firmly on the lips for the first time since his fated prison visit. "Thank you! Thank you for supporting me, Cal!"

"You got it, Bambi….." he smiled, laughing to himself as she skipped from the room with her cell phone already at her ear. Sitting back on the couch, folding his arms across his chest, he nodded to himself, secure in the knowledge that had had done the good thing, the right thing.

* * *

"I hate this."

"What's that, my love?" asked Olivia absentminded, leafing through a magazine while sat up in bed.

"Don't get me wrong I want Evie to take this job. She's so excited, it sounds like a great opportunity and it keeps here out of the force but…."

"She needs this, El." Said Olivia frankly, setting down her magazine and giving him her full attention. "That girl has been drifting aimlessly, lost in her own life for too long. She's so young, she's too full of energy and passion and life to just sit cooped up in this house day in day out hesitating."

"And what about Sammy, huh?" shrugged Elliot challengingly. "He's waited years for this, to finally have something he can get his teeth into. He came back so excited about starting the car shop with Cal. He's got all these ideas, Liv, he's been showing be plans and budgets and projected profits. The full works. He's ready, he's been standing on the cliff edge all this time and he's finally ready to jump."

"I know, I know and…."

"He can't do it without Calvin. Calvin staying at home with the babies ends Sammy's big plans. He needs his buddy, not just for the moral support, for the way the work together, but because Cal's the damn mechanic!"

"You're really throwing yourself behind their plan all of a sudden? Not that I'm against it, just, well, I'm curious. What's changed? You were ready to string Calvin up a couple of weeks ago."

"I've mellowed."

"You have not!" she laughed, rolling her eyes.

"Liv you say Evie's lost but honestly they all are. I guess I just see Cal as the danger spot here."

"You do?" she was listening, because it was rare that Elliot spoke so passionately about anything he hadn't fully worked through in his own mind. The way his face fell, the concentration in his blue eyes worried her. "Has he said something?"

"It's more what he hasn't said, and we both know I'm the king of that old trick. Leaving the military is huge, it's a huge deal and I don't really think that anyone has noticed that he's done that. He's just absorbed it. He's moved Evie and the kinds back up here and just walked out on the person he'd become."

"That might be a little over…."

"No, Liv. Trust me on this? Trust me when I say that for a kid like Calvin, someone who's had no structure, no guidance, no role model or at least no positive one as a kid? There is a comfort like _nothing_ else in putting on that uniform every day."

"You think this car shop will give him his purpose back?"

"I think he deserves it just the same as our kids do. I don't think should be choosing who gets the prize here. I think we should be trying to figure out a way that they all do."

"Wow, wow Elliot that's…." he had surprised her, she hated to admit that, but he had completely blown her away.

"He was wrong to kiss Texas, but we all know he's not a bad guy. So it kinda begs the question, what's going on in his head? Where's he at? He's giving Evie the green light to take this job, saying he'll take on childcare full time, but that's not right."

"What are you proposing?"

"That we help them."

"Okay, how?"

"We keep the house, we don't sell up and we put it up as collateral against getting this car shop off the ground. We go in, all in, as a family."

"Elliot that's a huge decision, that is a massive, massive decision."

"And I'm not saying it's right, or it's what we should do for sure but I'm putting it on the table. I want you to think about it. We do that for the boys, Mouse accepts the job offer and and we run daycare for the twins."

"Elliot you are _constantly_ on my back about how much we sit for them already! This is a total 180 on that, to take them all day every day?"

"Not forever, just until they're old enough for day care? Besides we'll do it together, both of us."

"I mean everything you're saying makes sense. It's a logical plan; it solves all of their problems."

"You hate it?"

"No! No I don't hate it at all its…." laughing, a little breathless at how much she admired him in that moment, Olivia reached out for his face and kissed him lovingly, "… you are a good man Elliot Stabler, and I love you so very much."


	22. It's Hurting Me And I'm Hurting You

"Mamá!"

"No corras, mija!" but there was no force on earth strong enough to stop Elena Amaro running as fast as her little legs would carry her across the parking lot behind the correctional facility.

"Mommy, my mommy!" she shrieked, and Texas dropped the large transparent plastic bag in her hand and fell to her knees. Throwing her arms around the little girl she buried her face in her thick black hair and breathed her in like new life.

"I love you, te adoro, Leni….." she whispered, kissing at her daughters neck, face, and little button nose, "… I have missed you **so much** , my angel girl."

"I love you too Mamá…." squishing hot chubby palms on each of Texas' cheeks Leni leant in and pressed her little cupid's bow lips firmly against her mother's, "….kisses!"

"You ladies ready to get out of here?"

"Abuelo it's momma! She's escaped!"

"Dame la mano, mija, there are cars, stay by me….." looking over her shoulder, vowing silently under her breath that it would be the last long look she took at the facility that had held her freedom tight in its grip she laughed, "… and maybe don't shout that so loud!"

"Hi….." said Nick, a little awkward, a little shy, but genuine in his relief to see her and sincere in his warm hug, "… glad you're back with us."

"Not you're not….." she said, pulling back and meeting his eyes, "… but I'll earn it, I promise."

"Sweetheart…." sighed Olivia, throwing her arms round the younger woman and holding her a little too tight, and a little too long, "… my sweet girl."

"I didn't know you were coming…." said Texas, only having been expecting Nick and Elena to greet her on release. "It's so good to see you Olivia."

"Calvin is going to clean up your old place; he said the landlord will let you renew the lease." Said Olivia, as the three wandered toward Nick's car.

"He's kind, that was really nice of him but I'm actually not gonna head back there."

"Oh you aren't?" asked Olivia, squinting in the sunlight and reaching for her sunglasses.

"Nick has found me a new place a little closer to Gil's house."

"It's small but it's good enough and it'll make visits easier to work out so…." trailing off, seeing what he suspected was disproval on Olivia's face Nick said no more.

"Visits?" asked Olivia, looking between Nick and Texas and treading carefully. She wasn't sure what arrangements had been made, only that they must have been done so unofficially after Texas had dropped her official custody bid.

"I'm gonna have supervised visits with Leni. Nick and Gil will let me know times that work for them and I get to spend time with my girl under someone else's watch."

"Is that…." really necessary, thought Olivia, before realising it was not her place.

"It's a compromise we've come to for now, right Tex?" said Nick, just sensing exactly what his old friend was thinking. "Just until we all…." the three adults knew what was being said between the lines, and so he simply added, "… see how things go."

"Abuelo says we can go for pancakes!" said Elena, still clutching Texas' hand.

"Come on little lady, how about I get you in the car and we can head there right now?" said Nick warmly, taking Elena's hand from Texas and chasing her ahead toward his car.

Olivia and Texas hung back a few paces, strolling side by side in a comfortable quiet. Olivia watched the way Texas felt the breeze, closed her eyes as it licked her face and she savoured her freedom. Having visited jails and prisons in her time Olivia could only imagine what this moment felt like. After a few more strides, quite impulsively, she reached for Texas' hand and held it in her own. Texas gave it a light squeeze, and they walked on.

"Are you okay with all this? Living in this apartment Nick's found you? The supervised visits with Leni?" asked Olivia after a few more moments had passed.

"She's my priority….." said Texas, breaking their hands and scooping a handful of hair from her eyes, holding it back from her face and smiling calmly, "… they give me the hoops and I'll jump them. Anything to just spend time with her, right?"

"I know, sweetheart, but…."

"I'm fine with it, honestly Olivia. It might not have been a direct consequence of my own actions that got me time inside but it might as well have been, right? I was arrested with a jacket full of Oxy and if Calvin hadn't beaten the crap out of that guy I'd have given it my best shot. I don't think Nick is a crazy person to want to take some baby steps here….." the self-awareness, the humility that poured from Texas brought tears to Olivia's eyes, "… it's the right thing for Leni."

"You're quite a woman Texas."

"I lived with Vivian Arliss for a long time and I saw what her addictions, her demons did to Cal…." replied Texas, cutting to the heart of the matter, "… and I won't do that to my girl."

"So this is it, your fresh start then?" said Olivia, with a warm smile and a nod of encouragement and support. "Well we're all right behind you, sweetheart. We're all here to help."

"It's actually pretty liberating, right? I mean all I've got in this world is right here in this garbage bag…." she quipped drily, shaking her wild waves of hair and then setting dark eyes on Olivia added, "… and that car."

"You've got more than that, Tex."

"Oh I didn't mean…."

"You've got me, for a start. Fin is dying to see you, and Sammy is home and wants your number as soon as you have a new cell. He wants to tell you _all about_ his travels south of the border."

"Oh I'll bet he does!" and there it was, that bar room cackle, that twinkle in her eye.

"You're welcome at our place anytime and…."

"I love you Olivia, but I think that's probably the worst idea you ever had."

"I…." unable to help herself but smile, there was a little imp somewhere in Olivia that appreciated Texas' brutal honesty and black humour.

"I mean don't get me wrong I can imagine I'm at the top of Mr Stabler's dinner guest wish list after I kissed his daughter's husband. Where would you sit me? Right between Evie and Cal and just see how long it takes everyone to die of total and utter….."

"Okay! Okay so maybe I overstated how good that idea was but….." taking a beat, catching Texas' gaze to ensure she knew that all jokes aside she was deeply sincere Olivia added, "… but I am here, Texas. I want you to hear that, I want you to promise me that you'll pick up a phone. I know this is day one of a difficult road, and you're not on your own. You are not on your own."

"I appreciate that…." said Texas, taking a moment to appreciate the only woman she had ever truly admired or felt moved to emulate, "… really I do."

"You two ladies joining us for pancakes?"

"Yes! Yeah we're in, aren't we?" said Olivia jovially, pulling a face at Leni who was poking her head out of the backseat expectantly.

"Let's get out of here…." said Texas decisively.

* * *

"Need some help?"

"Sure, here you go….." said Eve, throwing Sam a handful of baby clothes to fold and socks to pair, "… good day?"

"Yeah, yeah not bad at all. I actually met with a couple of friends of friends, mechanics and local business owners. I just really want to get all the information I can before we go into this, you know?"

"It's so good to see how involved you are with this Sam. It's been a long time since I've seen you so excited about something…." tilting her head, pulling a face she added teasingly, "… and I'm not including your time with the Latina ladies in that!"

"You ever think about going travelling?" he asked, remembering the freedom of the open road and not having any commitments or concerns from one day to the next. "I mean I know you've travelled, but that's not the same. I honestly can't tell you how good it felt, how free I was. There was literally nothing and no one dictating my time or actions day to day."

"I can only imagine what you got up to!"

"I'll save my sister from the gory details."

"It seems like it's done you the world of good though, so I'm not judging."

"Would you do it?"

"Seriously? No course I wouldn't. I've got two babies remember? Besides I'm too much of a grown up now for anything like that, that time of my life is gone. I'm a wife and a mother and we need to be building stability, not hitting the open road!"

"Yeah, yeah I guess. You and Cal doing any better?"

"Well, I've thought about nothing else lately…."

"Figures."

"And I've decided he's what I want, our marriage is what I want. I'm gonna fight for it. I'm gonna do everything I can to make it work and keep us together."

"Really? I don't know why I'm surprised to hear that. It just kinda seemed, brotherly spidey sense wise, like you might've been headed in another direction for a while there…"

"We've been through so much together, me and him. He was my first everything, my first love, I can't even imagine my life without him in it at this point and I don't want to. He's a good man, he loves me and the babies more than anything and he's throwing everything he's got at making this work so I'm going to do the same."

"You're making it kind of sound like a chore, Vee…." noted Sam, never afraid to call a spade a spade if the moment required it, "… a little too much like hard work."

"No! No that isn't how I meant that to come across!" she rushed, a little embarrassed, a little self-conscious. "He's just fought for me, every day, every step of the way he's fought for us. I guess I've just come to realise that he deserves more than me just passively letting this happen. I love him, I do love him, and I'm going to fight for him."

"What's that look like then?" genuinely wondering, Sam wasn't sure he was entirely convinced by Eve's show of claws. "What're you actually gonna do different?"

"I'm working on that. I thought maybe we could start with date nights or something, something romantic, just the two of us."

"Yeah, yeah I mean I guess that could work."

"Something where we're alone and we can just, you know, talk and…."

"Woah! Stop right there, sister of mine, that is not a plan detail I need you to divulge."

"We used to have something different than how it is now Sammy. It used to be fun and light and exciting. I figure if we can maybe get back to that then it'd be a good start. Maybe all the rest of it wouldn't weigh so heavy if we can get back to how it was when I was in high school and college."

"There's a lot of water under both your bridges since then though Vee."

"I know that."

"He's been to war and so have you in your own way. Are you really so sure that trying to get back to how you were as teenagers is the best strategy here? I mean do you think it's even possible?"

"I think it's worth a shot, at this point I'm willing to throw anything I can figure at this."

"You ever talk to him about his tours? You ever really tap into what's going on in his head?"

"Of course I…." hesitating, doubting herself and looking to her brother for support Evie sighed, "… at least I always tried to. He's a tough nut to crack I guess."

"Well I support you Vee, all the way, whatever you decide to do. You know that right?"

"I do and I'm grateful, truly I am Sammy. I've got your back too you know? With this car shop and whatever you need help with. I know it's you and Cal really, and Dad helping, but just so you know I'm here as well."

"Thanks Vee, we might just take you up on that."

* * *

"I wish that you would talk to me, sweetheart."

"I'm just not feeling chatty…." came the mumbled response from an increasingly gloomy Calvin, who feeling guilty gave Olivia a long look of apology, "….sorry Livia."

"You're so far away right now, it's scary to me Calvin…." said Olivia uneasily, having tried time and time again to reach out to a man walking increasingly lost. "What's going on? You've not been happy for a while that much I know, I can see it."

"Nah I'm fine."

"Like, ever since you came back from North Carolina kind of while Cal…."

"No, no you're wrong."

"Am I?" challenged Olivia, because she knew she was one of the few that would and could with him. "Because these past few months I see Evie a whole new woman with that new job, she's chatty and bright and it's almost like the chattier and the brighter she gets the quieter you get. The darker you become."

"It's good to see her happy, see her smile again, right?"

"It is but…."

"Hello? Olivia?"

"In here…." called Olivia brightly, as Calvin threw her a panicked look on hearing the familiar voice.

"I got your call sorry it took me so long to get across….." a little startled to see Calvin's broad frame standing by the window, hands folded over his chest, shoulder's hunched Texas finished, "… the city."

"Tex?" he managed, barely a grunt.

"Hi Cal…" she replied, and the two just stared at one another.

"I think that this is a really chapter the two of you need to close off together."

"Is that a fact?" said Calvin, not really able to resent Olivia the reunion, so good was it to see Texas with the life breathed back into her.

"Well, okay then…." murmured Olivia under her breath, reaching for her purse and tiptoeing toward the door, "… I'm going to leave you guys to it now."

"You're as subtle as a heart attack, Livia!" heckled Calvin, when she was already halfway gone.

"I love you both!" she called back, as the screen door slammed behind her.

"You're unusually quiet…." he mumbled, throwing his eyes to Texas, "… how is it being out?"

"Fine, it's fine, and, well I'm here now; we might as well make use of the time. Grab a couple of trash bags will you? You can follow me around and I'll just scoop all this crap into them…."

"It's not _all_ crap, Tex."

"Isn't it?" she prickled, as he complied with her instruction. Peeling open a large plastic bag he shook it wide, then followed her, picking up his own pieces of junk as he went.

"You know it wasn't all bad, being here. In case you forgot…."

"Little League MPV trophy, this should've gone with you to Bragg years ago, right?"

"It meant more to Mom than….." trailing off, because with her acting so cold he couldn't go there, he couldn't be vulnerable. It was too painful, too raw still, he couldn't lay it bare to her sudden strange indifference. "Nah, nah I'll keep that. Just leave it there and I'll take it to the truck in a bit."

"I don't know what you want to do with the big pieces of furniture. The sofa and that table would probably sell on Craig's List. I haven't really been in your Mom's room much since…."

"That's alright."

"My mattress is probably a public health concern and the frame has taken a good pounding so I reckon we just trash both of…."

"What's wrong with you? You hit your head? Why're you suddenly so mean?" he snapped, unable to bear it any longer. "What? We haven't seen each other in like 4 months and _this_ is how you are the first time I get to see you?"

"I'm just being practical, Calvin. Is it so shocking to you I wouldn't want to save my whoring mattress for posterity?"

"Okay, okay you know what I'm done, you're on your own here…." dropping the trash bag in his hand and letting it fall to the floor with a thud, Calvin held his hands up in surrender and backed away.

"Fine, adiós!" she called, picking up the bag and continuing to throw useless old papers and magazines into it.

Grabbing handfuls of old dates newspapers, seeing headlines of history, she stopped suddenly to see a flicker of colour amid the sea of black and white. Setting the back down she pulled out the photograph, holding it with both hands, turning it to the light. It had been taking in the same grotty old lounge she was standing in now, backed against the same open plan kitchen backdrop. In the middle of a coffee table filled with bottles, ash trays, and tortilla chips sat a birthday cake she remembered baking and could still taste. The letters on it bled into the icing underneath, wonky and poorly formed but unmistakably spelled out "Happy 18th Birthday Calvin!".

In the foreground were Vivian and some of her old cronies, numbed in contentment. In the back were a motley crew of their old friends from their teens. Johnny was there too, smoking a joint in the centre left. Then in the middle of all of it was Calvin, grinning from ear to ear, with Texas having moments earlier just jumped on his back. She was lassoing the air, he had her legs held fast around his middle and she was kissing his temple. They were wasted, but for that snapshot moment they were blissfully happy.

"Boots?"

"Oh!" she startled, deliberately not turning around. "You're still here?"

"I came back."

"Why?"

"You."

"Oh…."

"Why you cryin' Tex?" he asked, scuffing his feet across the room and standing behind her. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing I just….."

"What's that?" he asked, and she passed the photograph back to him. He looked at it for a few moments, before reaching a light hand to her shoulder and setting it down. "Come here?"

"Cal…." she inhaled, the sob choking her as she span around and threw her whole self into his waiting arms.

"Damn I've missed you…." he murmured, hugging her tight and kissing her hair.

"I'm sorry…." she said, drawing herself back and pressing at her eyes to dry the tears and smear away wayward black kohl, "… for being a bitch before."

"Did I do something to make you mad?" he asked, ever the gentle giant, and she laughed through her tears.

"No, guapo, no you did not. I'm just a little overwhelmed I think. I didn't prepare for seeing you and I guess I just thought…."

"Being kinda mean would be a good tactic?" he asked, but his lip curled to a grin and she knew he wasn't holding it against her.

"I haven't called you….." she said, meeting his eyes and reaching for his hand, grabbing for a couple of his fingers and swinging them lightly back and forth, "…since I got out."

"I wanted to come get you, on your release day. You know that right?"

"I know."

"How you really doing anyway? You alright?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm alright."

"You got something for me?" he asked.

"Yeah, yeah I do….." she replied, breaking their hands and crossing the room to where she had left her purse. Rummaging inside it she unzipped a little inside pocket and pulled out her sobriety coin. Handing it to him she winced slightly at his reaction.

"Wait, what's this? Only two months?"

"It was just a couple of drinks of some hooch they made and I then stopped. I knew I'd slipped and I stopped. It was just one mistake, I swear it."

"You didn't tell me about that on the phone."

"I didn't know I was supposed to…." she shrugged, not defiant just honest. "Calvin there are no rules here, no guidelines. I have no clue what you want me to tell you and what you don't. I have even less idea what Evie…."

"I know, I know, it's…."

"Are you two, well, you know?" she felt her way, blindly in a thick fog of unknown. "Are things okay between the two of you? You working things out?"

"We're….." he hesitated, swallowing slowly before finally managing a weak, "…yeah, we're working on things."

"That's good, that's great…." yet he seemed sad, she noted, and she wasn't sure she was reacting appropriately after all, "… right?"

"I'm finally getting close to setting up the car shop though, me and Sammy are partners and Mr S is helping us."

"That's awesome! Cal that's incredible, you've wanted that since _forever_ , right?"

"Right, yeah, yeah it's pretty neat."

"I'm proud of you…." she said gently, lightly curled wisps of hair framing a face much paler than usual from the lack of sun in jail.

"I'm proud of you too Tex…." he echoed, his face held in a perfect show of sincerity, "… more than you know."

"Will you help me finish this?" she asked, breaking the moment, unable to stand the heat and the weight of his eyes on her a second longer. "If I'm nicer to you?"

"Ha!" he snorted, rolling his eyes. "Sure, sure give me that bag back. Well finish up in here and then I'll pull the truck around and well load some of the bigger crap into it."

"It's kind of the end of an era leaving this place, huh?"

"I guess so."

"You sad?"

"Should I be?" he wondered, asking the question more of himself than of her. "I dunno, Tex. I mean maybe I see things different than you. I look at that picture and I see things I don't miss. You remember what happened that night? Maybe an hour or so after that got taken?"

"No…."

"Figures, you were pretty wasted, we all were. So we took that picture and then my Mom decided you would all sing to me. So she starts up singing and she's not doing so great on her feet, she's kind of dancing, swaying, and then next thing I know I turn around and she's…."

"In the cake."

"You _do_ remember?" he laughed bitterly. "So then she's bawling, she's just fucking wailing that she's ruined the party, she's ruined my big day, she's ruining my life again. Johnny throws the party open house and a bunch of guys I didn't know and sure as hell didn't want to know pitch up and start shooting up in the kitchen."

"Jesus…." shivering, the picture suddenly was painted quite differently in Texas' memory.

"Happy fucking birthday Calvin, right?" he muttered, picking up a collection of old DVDs he didn't care to keep and chucking them into the trash bag. "You put my mom to bed and I yelled at John till he took his party elsewhere. Then when it finally got quiet you and me ate fistfuls of butt-squashed cake off the table and…."

"I remember that part…." she blushed, deliberately looking away. Feeling suddenly hot, she fanned herself with an old takeout menu and pretended to be incredibly busy looking through unopened letters.

"I guess I did get a happy ending…." he said, and feeling his eyes on her she turned around.

"You're terrible, Arliss…." she husked, not sure whether or not she was allowed to smile at him, or acknowledge the aching desire she felt even standing however many safe feet away.

"I was worse then."

"True!" she laughed, and his chest tightened. Without the grey ash of narcotics and a steady drip of alcohol in her veins she radiated life again, raw, vulnerable, but beautiful. Her eyes had found their old twinkle, her mischief and fun, her sheer will to survive having survived another battle in her long war.

"You still stuck around though, huh?" he said, something about being back here forcing him to be brutally honest with himself for the first time in a long time. Something about standing on the spot he had once made passionate, wanton, soul aching love to the woman who had never turned her back, who had never stopped watching as he'd left her. "You loved me at my worst, Tex."

"I think we had a pretty equal batting average."

"Can I tell you something, something I don't know whether or not you want to hear but something I just feel like I gotta say."

"Cal be careful…." she cautioned, wary of the way he was looking at her: the way he couldn't look away.

"I'm married. I'm Evie's husband and I need to honour that, to do right by her. I love her, I care about her, I don't wanna hurt her….." he almost knew the words, the lines by rote, he had recited them so many times, trying to make them stick in his heart.

"I don't either."

"I just need you to know that it wasn't a mistake, Boots. I wanted to kiss you; I wanted to kiss you because I felt all the things you feel right then, and in that moment I forgot everything else. That was wrong of me, and that was my bad, but because I know you, because I know who you are and how you think. How you think about yourself. It wasn't cheap, Texas. It wasn't me running away, it wasn't me using you. I swear it. I swear to God it was just…."

"Calvin…"

"Maybe it makes me a horrible person. Maybe it makes me a cheat; maybe I'm unfaithful more in saying that than for kissing you in the first place. I'm just trying to be honest. I'm trying to be fair to you, as fair as I can. I don't regret it. I probably should, but I don't. I've been so confused lately. Does it make it all worse, just a million times worse me telling you all this?"

"No, no not really."

"It hurts, Tex."

"I know it does…." she sighed, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, walking across and putting her arms around him, "…. but it'll be alright, you'll see. It'll be okay."

"Will it?" he asked, pulling back but still holding his hands clasped at the base of her spine.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…."

"Seriously?"

"The courage to change the things I can…." reaching behind her, grabbing each of his hands and drawing holding them for a second she leant in and kissed his cheek tenderly, "… and the wisdom to know the difference."

"I…."

"I'm gonna start bleaching the bathroom…." she decided, gesturing a hand at the room behind her, "… maybe you finish up in here?"

* * *

"I'm ready!"

"Oh wow, you look….." holding her breath, he fists lightly clenched Eve held her breath in anticipation of Calvin's next words, "…fancy."

"Fancy?" she swallowed, failing to mask her disappointment.

Her dress, dark red with black detailing, wasn't within her usual colour palette and dipped far lower at the cleavage than she would usually dare. She'd taken hours on her hair, curling it to within an inch of its life and pinning it in a way she saw celebrities do. She'd tanned her skin from a bottle to a darker bronze and applied far more mascara and shadow than she had worn in years. Her lips were scarlet, her heels were sky high, and her expectations even higher as she stood clutching her purse and willing Calvin to follow up his statement with something more reassuring.

"You look incredible Evie, really…." he struggled, his throat closing to a pinch as he folded his arms awkwardly across his chest, "…. really beautiful."

"Beautiful and maybe a little…." attempting a sultry coy, but feeling strangely childlike Eve sauntered across the room and stroked her index finger down his chest, "… sexy?"

"Yeah, yeah that too…." he managed, chewing so hard on his cheek he tasted copper.

"I figured if we're gonna have our inaugural Saturday date night I'd make a little effort. Get us off to a flying start!"

"Evie…."

"Look before you say anything I'm not stupid, okay? I'm not naïve of what's happened to us here. I feel all the same things you do and okay maybe I've been a little in denial lately but I just put that down to the insane baby hormones still raging. I dropped the ball and I know I did. Between the babies and moving back from Bragg I haven't paid our marriage enough attention. I haven't been listening to you, hearing what you're thinking and feeling, hell I haven't even asked and I realise that now."

"You've been fine Evie don't beat yourself up…."

"But things are going to be different from now on Cal I swear it. This new job has really given me back something I hadn't realised I'd lost, if that even makes any sense. I'm getting stronger, braver again. I'm ready to throw every last bit of me at our marriage and making it work. I want us to be the way we used to be. I want us to laugh and joke and….." stroking her hands at his chest, moving them to his hips and then to a low rest on his backside she smiled teasingly, "… be the way we used to be."

"I can't, Evie…." he said quietly, almost under his breath. Reaching for her hands, taking them off him, he held them tight just in front of his chest, in a bridge between their two bodies.

"I know, I know it's hard, I feel the same way. It's going to time and a lot of work. I get that a lot has changed since we first got together, even since we were first married, but we're stronger than all of it, right? You being away so much distanced us, more than just the miles."

"Yeah, yeah it did."

"And I know I wasn't always the easiest person to love after what happened…."

"Don't you dare make that a thing, don't you dare. Evie you survived, you're a survivor, that has absolutely fucking nothing to do with this so don't even think it. Swear to me?"

"Okay, okay but I think that it changed me. I think that it's probably part of this, but not in any way that I realised. Look I get that it's your idea of hell but I've even thought that maybe we could see a couples therapist or something. I think it might help us process some of what's happened and figure out how to…."

"I can't do it Evie."

"Therapy?"

"Any of it, all of it…." he said quietly, the words barely escaping his mouth as he stared at her long and hard. "I wish I could, fuck it I've tried so damn hard. I've tried to make this feel right again, tried to ignore all the other noise. I wish I could give you want you want, say all those things back to you right now: but I can't."

"What?" she gulped, the room stalling, the world pausing on its axis.

It had not crossed her mind that the decision might not be hers to make. The realisation hit hard, suddenly, and it stirred up all the emotions she hadn't even realised she'd had since Calvin had first confessed to the kiss. The sudden awareness that she was no longer in control, and everything she stood to lose was slipping from grip sent her into a raging panic.

"I'm so sorry Bambi."

"But you….." she stumbled, balling her fists and shaking her head with tightly knotted eyebrows, "… but you **have** to Cal!"

"I'm truly, truly sorry but I have to be honest. I have to be completely honest with you or there's no point in…."

"But we're married! Your my husband! We're a family!"

"I know that, I know I just…."

"Is it because of her?" icing over, her eyes glazing with a pointed realisation. "Is this because of the kiss? Because it's changed how you feel? We were fine before that!"

"We were not fine Evie and you know it, we both know it. We weren't fine even before we moved back here."

"But that's when you started seeing her again right? I mean it was out of sight out of mind when we were down South and you didn't even think about her then!"

"Okay, well, not true but that isn't really…."

"I gave you _everything_ Calvin! I moved around the country! I gave birth to those babies alone because you were gone! I waited and I waited and I waited and….." reaching for a nearby ornament, shoving her hand inside of it and throwing it hard at the wall she fell to her knees as it smashed to the floor.

"I never set out to hurt you I swear to God…."

"But it does, it **does** hurt!" she shrieked, clutching her chest and wrinkling her nose as fresh tears fell. "How can you just give up on us? How can you give up on everything we've built? How can you give up on **me** Cal?"

"Evie I…."

"What the hell is going on out here?" asked Elliot, rushing in from the yard on hearing raised voices.

"Did something break?" asked Olivia, following behind then gasping wide eyed to see Eve on her knees beside broken crockery. "Evie! Baby!"

"Get out!"

"Please just…."

"I SAID GET OUT!" clambering to her feet, staggering a moment and then jabbing a pointed finger at the door Eve raged, "If you're gonna quit, if you're gonna walk away then **go** , just leave! Leave me alone like you're planning to anyway!"

"That isn't even close to true! That's not what I said at all!"

"Have her! Go on, be my freakin' guest I'm sure she's just sat at home waiting for you! I'm sure she'd wear something a _damn sight_ more exiting for you than a dress and heels on date night!"

"You take that back…." his whole body tensed, his jaw clenched, and it did not go unnoticed by those in the room, "… you get a little more respect in your voice when you talk about Tex or…."

"Or what? You'll hit me?" scoffed Eve, so raw, so cut to the bone she couldn't remember how to breathe let alone filter her emotions. "God, you two are just **perfect** for each other!"

"Don't be a child Evie!"

"Evie, love, come on let's just….." knowing that anything said from here on out would only do damage impossible to repair Olivia grabbed for Eve's hand and attempted to talk her down.

"Why do you do that Cal? Why do you _always_ take her side? What has she got over you? How have you both got a grip so damn tight over each other that one of you says 'jump' and the other says 'off which fucking cliff?' huh!"

"I can't talk to you when you're like this….."

"Fuck you!"

"Evie!" moving to put herself physically between the two of them Olivia held both hands in front of her, "Look, let's just take a deep breath, all of us, and…."

"Fine, fine you know what Evie I will go. I'll go, I'll leave, and I'll come back when you're ready to hear me out like a grown up. It's not all about fucking you Evie Stabler!"

" **Go to hell Calvin!"**


	23. Everything We've Got Is Blowing Away

**Thank you for your kind feedback on the pacing of updates. I intend to continue updating every few days where I can. That being said this is going to be an exception and come earlier than that, as it all takes place on the same night. That, and I really couldn't sit alone with this one...**

* * *

"Long time no see little cuz."

"Johnny…." slurred Calvin, lifting heavy eyes to the door, "… what you doing here?"

"I was just in the neighbourhood."

"You're looking for Tex." It wasn't a question, but a statement from Calvin because he knew Johnny all too well. "It was only a matter of time until you came sniffing around once she got out."

"How's she doing?"

"Dunno."

"Bullshit you don't, you and her are thick as thieves you always have been."

"Humph."

"But it is strange that she's not here, that there isn't anything here….." noted Johnny, assessing the sparse picture in front of him, "…. apart from you, wasted, drinking alone."

"You want one?" offered Calvin, pushing one of several six packs in his vicinity toward his cousin. "Help yourself."

"Why you being so friendly?" sceptical, but never one to refuse a drink Johnny popped a can and sat cross legged on the floor beside Calvin. "Besides why _are_ you sat here drinking alone?"

"I fucked up John."

"I heard a rumour."

"Huh?" pulling a quizzical, confused face Calvin sniffed miserably. "Oh, right, yeah that was my fault. She did my time for me."

"She always was a fool for you little cousin….." chuckled Johnny darkly, "… but I'm getting a sense that wasn't the particular fuck up to which you refer? Is there more than one? You've been real busy lately Cal. You fall out of the ivory tower with Princess Pompoms?"

"I jumped."

"Huh?" now it was Johnny's turn to be confused. There was a lot of time and ground to cover in their trip down memory lane, and a heavily intoxicated Calvin wasn't spinning a linear narrative.

"I fucking jumped out the tower….." grizzled Calvin, taking another swig from his bottle, "… so go ahead, knock yourself out, have a good laugh at my expense."

"I'm not laughing Cal….." had he mellowed, or was it the beer goggles, either way Calvin was strangely touched, "… what went wrong?"

"Nothing, everything. I don't know. She changed, I changed, we both changed. The only thing that didn't change, the only person, the only thing that never changes is…."

"What?"

"I kissed her John."

"Your wife?" then reading his cousin's face Johnny nodded slowly, "Not your wife: got it."

"Tex."

"Oh, oh I see."

"You don't seem shocked?"

"Shocked? I'm not even surprised Calvin."

"You're not?"

"Maybe I'm just old and tired but it seems to me what I should have realised a long time ago was that you two were just inevitable. I could beat on you, I could hold her hostage, I could play every nasty, manipulate, asshole trick in the book but I couldn't change how she felt."

"You raped her, Johnny, more than once…." disgusted, but somehow finding bleak humour Calvin shrugged, "… that's not endearing."

"My point is that she's always been yours Cal."

"My point has always been that she isn't anyone's John…." the younger man shot back fiercely, "… she's not a possession, you can't own a person no matter how hard _you_ might've tried over the years."

"You can own a person's heart, little cousin. You can own their loyalty, their trust, their….." then with a softer, even kinder tone Johnny smiled, "… she was always yours Cal. Hell, let's face it you were always hers too deep down. Just a shame for Princess Sparkle that you didn't realise it earlier."

"Don't do that, don't mock Evie, not ever but especially not now."

"So what now?"

"What now?"

"Well, you can't just sit here drinking yourself into oblivion for the rest of your life. I mean putting aside the two kids, the wife, the family that might have something to say about…."

"Tex told you all about it, huh?" not sure if he was surprised or not, Calvin shuddered slightly to wonder what kind of relationship he had struck up with Texas on his return.

"See that? Even the thought of me talking to her gets under your skin doesn't it?"

"Because you're fucking asshole."

"Because you don't want her with anyone else."

"Maybe."

"Maybe?" pushed Johnny, because for all his faults, for all his failings and wrong doing he knew his cousin. He knew that look.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

"You think you need rehab?" sometimes Johnny just wasn't that smart, or maybe he just enjoyed playing the joker thought Calvin. "You're tanked, bro, but you'll sober up soon enough. Unless you've had a personality transplant since I last saw you, you can drink but you're not a drunk."

"She said that to me last time I saw her. I know how she meant me to take it, but…."

"How'd you mean?"

"She'd think I should stay with Evie, she'd say me and her not being together is the thing I can't change."

"But you disagree?" it wasn't really a question from Johnny. The answer was a given, seeing his cousin sat drinking in an empty apartment playing with his wedding band throughout their entire conversation. "So go tell her, Cal."

"Is this you giving me advice John?" chuckled Calvin, strangely enjoying his having shown up there unexpectedly. "Playing the big brother like you always used to."

"This isn't advice Cal, at this point it's pretty much a fucking order. You two deserve each other. I know I've said that a hundred times before in anger but this time it's sincere. If there is only one scrap of good I ever do in my God forsaken life then it'll be playing a hand in the two of you winding up together."

"You mean that?" because somehow, in that moment, despite everything it mattered to Calvin.

"I fucking do, Cal. I've treated her like shit over the years. I've hit her, hurt her, whored her, you name it and Tex has suffered it at my hand. But you've never been anything but love to that woman and she needs that. She deserves that. Go tell her, Cal. Go tell our girl that you're in love with her and you're balls have finally dropped so you're telling her…."

"Hey!"

"I love you Calvin. It's been a strange love, misguided, messed up most of the time, granted, but I've always cared. I've always wanted to protect you, to see you wind up someplace better. I reckon it's just in the fucking stars that I get to leave you both this way."

"Leave us?"

"I'm heading back South. There's business to be done in El Paso….." shrugging with a husky laugh Johnny sighed, "…. besides, I was only ever here because I was Calvin 2.0. She only called me because she couldn't have you. I'll be surplus to requirements now she's got the right Arliss to love again."

"Johnny I…."

"Arliss? Arliss open this door!"

"The fuck?" murmured Calvin, looking to Johnny wide eyed and rapidly sobering.

"Open the damn door Arliss we saw you head over here! We know you're game and it's up Johnny, the gig us up and we want our fucking cash!"

"What the hell did you do now?" said Calvin under his breath, watching Johnny reach into his belt band and pull out a glock.

"Shhh…." came the mouthed reply, as Johnny made a silencing gesture against his mouth and then motioned for Calvin to leave by the back door.

"I'm not leaving you here John!"

"ARLISS! We'll give you till the count of…" but they didn't count: the smashed the door in.

* * *

"I hear you, baby girl, I hear you…."

"I feel shocked, I feel blindsided. How can that even be possible? I knew this was coming, deep down."

"Did you?" asked Olivia, because her role in that moment was just to listen. She had opinions, thoughts, and feelings on what had played out earlier in the evening but then was not the time.

"Has Dad gone out?" asked Eve, turning her head toward the door from where it rested in her mother's lap. Sitting stroking her hair, over and over, repetitive and soothing Olivia wished there were something more she could do to ease her daughter's suffering.

"I think he's just taken Bear for a walk is all, he won't have gone far."

"I feel really numb, Mom. Really scared of what happens now. I can't even remember what it was like not being Cal's wife, and I know that sounds stupid because we haven't even been married that long. I just…."

"Evie there is no set way that you should feel right now. There are no guidelines for a situation like this, trust me. It's gonna hurt, it is. What's happening here is hard, it is a hard, hard thing and however you cut it it's gonna be painful and confusing and really, really tough to get through."

"I still love him, maybe I'm still in love with him I don't even know what that means anymore. I just thought I'd have the choice, is that horribly selfish? I thought it would be my choice what happened next. That makes me a terrible person, right?"

"Not at all, sweetheart."

"I just thought after they kissed that was it. Once I'd decided to just move past it and let it go, we'd be fine. Once I'd decided that I could live with that one kiss then we could just get on with our lives exactly as they'd been before. I didn't think it had to change everything, I really didn't."

"I don't think that the one kiss did change everything, my love."

"No, no I'm starting to realise that now."

"I hate to say it, sweetheart, I hate more that I didn't see this coming sooner than I did. I don't think that Calvin knew how to react to the kiss at first, I honestly don't."

"I trust that nothing else happened, that nothing else ever happened between them since I've been with him, since we've been married."

"I trust that too."

"But I guess it was always there, underneath it all…." speaking slowly, deliberately, at a chocked whisper Eve swallowed, "… how they felt about each other."

"I'm not sure it helps us to speculate about that right now, my love. I think that the best we can do right now, especially for tonight, is to just be here together. I will sit with you for as long as you need to get to sleep, and then in the morning in the light of a new day we'll…."

"What?" asked Eve, with a pregnant pause.

"We'll talk some more…." said Olivia, because anything else seemed to be overpromising and she was too afraid to do that without speaking with Calvin first.

"Do you think he's alright?"

"Your Dad?" asked Olivia, leaning over slightly to reach her cell phone.

"Cal."

"I'm….." the thought had crossed Olivia's mind too, and it returned to her now, "… honestly I'm not sure."

"Do you think he's with her?"

"I don't know, love."

"He left here so fast, Mom….." sitting up, wiping tears from her cheeks and sniffing hard Eve sighed, "… you should check he is, or that he's okay at least. He was really mad and he drives like a crazy person when he's pissed off."

"Do you think I should call him?" asked Olivia, in truth she had been desperate too for the past hour at least. Her loyalty was to her daughter, but she knew that the earlier fight would have Calvin tearing himself into pieces and she too needed the reassurance that he was at least coping with the situation.

"Yeah, yeah I'm gonna go run a bath. You call him, go ahead…." nodded Eve bravely, "… it's the right thing to do."

* * *

"I know it's late, I'm sorry to just turn up here unannounced but…."

"No, no I'm glad you did. I got your messages. I didn't want to say anything and spook you but the truth is he's not answered any of my texts or calls today either, since yesterday morning come to that."

"I could've sworn he was headed over here…." muttered Olivia under her breath, her mind racing. Removing her jacket, a little flushed from dashing over to Texas' new apartment she held it against her stomach and caught her breath.

"When?" puzzled Texas, entirely oblivious to the evening's sequence of events. "Why?"

"Nothing, no reason, ignore me it's been a long day."

"Olivia you're starting to freak me out slightly here, is there something going on? Did something happen with Cal?"

"I hope not…."

"Okay for a cop you are _really_ bad at…."

"He and Evie had a fight, a big fight…." confided her, because something inside of her, something in her gut that linked her to Calvin told her that it was the right thing to do, "… potentially a game changer."

"So he's upset?" deciphered Texas, not wanting to ask questions beyond her station. "Then I guess he's in a bar somewhere. I could think of the ones he'd most likely hit up. Should I call them?"

"Yeah, yeah you start with that and any friends you think he might…."

"Cal doesn't have any friends up here, not anymore."

"None at all?" said Olivia, a little dumbfounded she had to admit.

"Sammy is his buddy but I'm assuming you've already tried that."

"Yeah, yeah he's been in Jersey all day and he's not back in the city yet but he's going to call if Calvin contacts him."

"So you've bottomed out his friends in New York already. I know a few numbers of guys down at Bragg. Last I heard Nash and his wife were still down there and they were pretty tight but…."

"Let's hold off that for now, see if we can't find him up here first. You call the bars and I'm just gonna call and check in with Evie for a minute."

"Sure, sure of course."

"I can't believe I didn't think of coming here sooner."

"I'm glad you thought of it at all, I'm mad at myself I didn't."

"The place is empty still, I was just here a couple of days ago finishing up the cleaning."

"That's not Calvin's truck…." noted Olivia, as she and Texas dashed hurriedly along the sidewalk and approached the house Texas had shared with Vivian and Texas for years. "No licence plates…."

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing good…." thought Olivia out loud, reaching into her pocket for her cell phone and grabbing for Texas' wrist.

"What?" asked Texas, following Olivia's gaze to the front door swinging open and the smashed window. Holding Texas' wrist tight, not letting her go, Olivia reached into her pocket for her cell phone. "Can I go?" asked Texas, beginning to squirm as she pieced together a potential scenario. "That's Johnny's jacket…." she said, gesturing with her free hand into the truck and the jacket thrown over the headrest.

"Nick it's Liv, thank God you answered, we've got a situation and I need your help. I don't hold the same pull that I used to with uniform but I need you to get a couple of guys you trust to me ASAP."

"Olivia please, let go, maybe I can…."

"I'm not entirely sure what we've walked in on but I've got a feeling it isn't good and beside that Calvin is missing. No, not yet, only 24 hours but he fought with Evie and he's in the wind. I realise that Nick, damn it but…." she stalled, losing her grip on Texas' wrist and watching her head into the house. "Look all I need is a little off record back up to…."

"NOOOO!"

"Texas? Tex!" barked Olivia, running at pace down the barely paved driveway and throwing herself into the open door. Staggering, grabbing for the doorframe on seeing the horror inside Olivia swallowed, hard, and closed her eyes for a moment.

"Padre nuestro que estás en los cielos…." opening her eyes slowly, listening to Texas murmuring Spanish prayer under her breath Olivia took herself out of the situation, out of herself, and put herself back behind a badge.

"Nick forget off record, I'm inside now. I need you to get full roll call and an ambulance to Texas' old place, lights and sirens."

"Santificado sea tu Nombre…."

"They're on their way, sweetheart…" said Olivia numbly, falling to her knees and grabbing at Texas' shoulders, holding her fast.

"Venga tu reino…." continued Texas, rocking back and forth, tears streaming, "… Hágase tu voluntad…"

* * *

"You doing okay Mouse?"

"I've been better…." said Eve quietly, nursing a hot chocolate on the sofa as mindless TV drowned out the sound of her own thoughts."

"You wanna talk?"

"Not really, sorry….." she sighed, but patting the sofa beside her she smiled, "… but we could just sit together?"

"Sounds good to me."

"Bear has been keeping me company…." reaching down and stroking the chocolate Labrador at her feet Eve felt a wash of comfort, "… haven't you, boy?"

"What're we watching?" asked Elliot, settling himself down. "Or am I best not to ask?"

"Probably!"

"Did you hear from your Mom? She's been gone hours now and I'm getting worried. If she's not back soon I'm pulling her in, or going out to drag her back."

"She's with Texas…." prickled Eve tartly, "… who can take care of herself I'm sure."

"Even so, I'm just gonna give her another call and, oh, speak of the devil!"

"Mom?" mouthed Eve, as Elliot answered his buzzing phone. Elliot nodded.

"Liv where are you, we're…" seeing her father's face blanch Eve's heart stopped, "… oh God…"

"DAD!" yelped Eve, grabbing for his wrist and squeezing it helplessly.

"Of course, yeah, yeah of course, of course she's here with me now."

"Dad what the hell? Was that Mom? Is she okay?"

"Your mom's fine, baby girl…." swallowed Elliot grimly, reaching for his daughter's hand and holding it firmly, "… but there's been a shooting at Vivian's old place and we gotta get to the hospital."


	24. The Better Angels Of Our Nature

"I had this dream when I was little, when I was just a little girl. There was a house, a house at the end of a long driveway and the door was open and the light was on. You could hear people laughing inside. I would walk slowly toward the open door and have this amazing sense of myself, of my body, of my breathing: of peace. It was one of those dreams where you can't tell where you are, or who you're with, things come and go. Reality fades in, fades out, but it's good. You're in a place somewhere between what's here and what comes after and it's warm, and it's safe, and those moments when you wake up and it starts to slip away are….."

"It won't be long now."

"Can he feel anything?" asked Texas, a serene calm washing over her suddenly as she clutched at his limp palm. "Is he in any pain?"

"Not anymore, honey."

"Good, good, that's….." was it, she thought, her eyes drifting back to the pallid face that had once held a monster. All that reduced to this, so much noise now silent.

"Are you _sure_ that there isn't anyone I can call?" asked the nurse, herself visibly exhausted. It had been a long night since the two gunshot victims had burst into the ER.

"No, thank you."

"That damn alarm…." cussing under her breath the nurse stalled in her administration of palliative care and looked over her shoulder. When the alarm didn't stop she rolled her eyes staunchly skyward, "I'll be right back."

"Sure…." mumbled Texas, a strange crawling under her skin as she watched the nurse carefully replace the syringe kit and waiting dose into the medicine cart but fail to lock it behind her. Texas closed her free palm to a fist.

"Lordy did that take longer than planned, I'm so sorry honey, are you hanging in there in….."

The nurse blanched, staggered a moment, and then gathered herself as best her years of professional training and experience would allow. Her patient had passed on, and his next of kin was chasing him.

* * *

"Anything?"

"He's stable. They're running half hour checks still but they think once the sedative starts to wear off they'll push it to an hour. That's a good thing, it's a good sign. It's something, right?"

"It's something, baby, it's something…." said Elliot, drawing his daughter into a firm grip against his chest and holding her tight. "It's something alright."

"Sammy's just been stood at that window staring for hours. I'm worried about him Dad."

"And we're worried about you Mouse, are you okay?" then catching himself, Elliot smiled despite everything and sighed. "I mean despite the obvious."

"He's alive, Daddy."

"Yeah."

"Cal's a fighter, he's tough. He's just about as tough as they come and if he can survive war then he can survive one clean in and out bullet."

"Of course he can, of course he can and he will. He will."

"Mom? She's….."

"About as tough as they come…." said Elliot carefully, slowly, choosing every syllable with purposeful caution.

"Where is she?"

"She just needed a moment, she's outside getting some air."

"I should go see her…." but Eve didn't move, she stayed wrapped in Elliot's arms and resting her head against his chest swallowed hard, "… he's like a son to her."

"Hmmm…." said Elliot, when words failed him.

"He has to survive this Dad."

"Yes, he does."

"I need him, the twins need him and Mom….." her breath caught in her throat and as Eve lifted her eyes Elliot saw her at her most beautiful, "…. she wouldn't survive losing him."

"Evie, baby, I think that….." exhaling, expelling the air from pursed lips Elliot shook himself. Pushing out his chest, standing tall he held her at arm's length by the shoulders and then leant down and pressed a kiss against her fore head. "Will you do me a favour and go check on your brother? See if you can as a nurse if there's a room we can have for the night. Whether any one of us can sleep our not is doubtful but we need someplace we can at least take turns trying."

"Yeah, yeah sure I can do that."

"Yeah?"

"You should be the one to check on Mom…." said Eve, understanding exactly what Elliot was intending, "… this is bigger than me at this point."

"No, no she loves you, she needs you desperately right now and you need her but…."

"Dad it's fine, it's honestly….." chewing on her cheek, biting hard, Eve stood a little taller and nodded through teary eyes, "… I got this. I'm holding on."

"That's my girl."

As Elliot turned his back Eve felt her heart drop a thousand stories, the floor fell away, and her eyes filled so quickly with hot tears she choked on them. Go to hell Calvin. Those were her words. That was what she'd said to him: that was the last thing she'd said to him. That was her cross to bear if he didn't make it. She would live on in the knowledge that he'd died with her hating him.

"But it isn't true, it just isn't true…." she mouthed under her breath, her fingers twisting at her wedding band, "… oh **Calvin** if you only…."

Suddenly, maybe for the first time, but certainly not for the last, Eve saw beyond herself in a way she previously hadn't been capable of. Standing alone in the hospital corridor she realised that in that moment she'd give him up, she'd give it all up. Maybe her marriage was over, maybe it wasn't. Maybe she'd lose him, maybe Texas would. None of that mattered, not of that mattered one bit she realised with a weighted gravity like she had never known before. Her children could not be without their father. Her mother could not be without the boy she had loved beyond a mother loving a son.

Evie realised in that moment that this was what Calvin had to hear now. She had to silence the thunder; she had to cancel the static. She had to drown out all the background noise and find a way to make Calvin hear one voice and one voice alone. The voice who guided him, the soul he was bound to tighter than Evie or Texas: the mother he had chosen.

* * *

" _I am loath to close. We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection…."_

Came the voice of a madwoman, thought Olivia grimly to herself, reciting historical verse aloud. Did Lincoln feel crazy? It was a strange time to be recalling college history lectures, dark rooms and old smelling books.

" _The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature….."_

"Just checking in…"

"We're fine!" rasped Olivia, flashing a pained smile at the nurse checking in on Calvin. Sitting as his bedside she felt herself raise her hand in an awkward wave.

"Alright then, half an hour more till visiting closes."

"Call on your better angels, Cal, call on them now. You beautiful boy, you beautiful, beautiful soul. Have you got any idea how angry I am at you? How mad you made me breaking Evie's heart? Breaking Tex's? You played those women like fiddles whether you meant to or not and I'm furious but you owe me the chance to tell you this to your face. You owe me that. We've been through too much to end it this way.

You've always had this balance of light and darkness, Calvin. Even as a little boy I saw it. It scared the hell of out me then and it didn't get any less scary when you'd grown. Elliot wasn't wrong when he was nervous to let you date Evie but I couldn't blame her for falling head over heels in love with you because I'd been there. I fell in love with you the moment we met the same way a mother does for a newborn in her arms. You were stuck with me then and you're stuck with me now. You don't get to quit on me: I won't allow it. I don't know what put you back in that house with Johnny but I know that it's your better angels that are gonna bring you home to me.

Fight it Calvin, don't quit. There are two women here who love you, two children who need their father and….."

Taking a moment, taking a deep lungful of air Olivia's voice broke as she kissed Calvin's fingers with salty tear licked lips and whispered, "… and I need you, sweetheart. Come back to me. Come back to your, mama. We'll figure it out, all of it. I can kick your ass and love you more than ever all at the same time, all in the same breath, that's what mothers do. I don't have the answers to any of it. I don't know how to fix any of the mess you've made, son. All I know is that the answer isn't this, the fix isn't you leaving us: leaving me. You have to fight, love, you have to stay with me and you have to survive this. I'm not done loving you yet Calvin Arliss. I made you a promise that I'd never let you go again and I'm damn sure gonna keep that promise, sweetheart. "


	25. Some Things You Can't Go Back To

"Budge up, you."

"Oh hey….." eyes lighting up Olivia grabbed at the polystyrene cup, "… please God let this be coffee."

"Starting to feel like I wouldn't turn down something stronger. Yes, though, yeah it's coffee."

"The kids together?"

"Yeah, yeah and I think Eve is dangerously close to a nap so…."

"I always worry less when they're together. Sammy will look out for her. He's been a total rock the past forty eight hours; I honestly don't know what any one of us would've done without him."

"So I don't know if you're ready to hear this right now but I've tried protecting you from stuff before and usually it only….." holding his thought, and his breath, Elliot turned to his wife and said quietly, "… babe Johnny Arliss died about thirty minutes ago."

"Oh God…."

"I was talking to the consultant and he wanted us to be aware so that we could decide between us the best way to break it to Calvin when he wakes up. He's the only blood relative they can track down to notify."

"As if this whole thing wasn't already so God damn tragic those two boys are the only blood each other have."

"Blood isn't everything, Liv. It isn't anything sometimes….. " shrugged Elliot, reaching for her forearm and giving it a squeeze, "… we know that, right?"

"Right, you're right…." she smiled, a weight lifting. How did he always find a way to do that?

"I think that we're over the worst of it with Calvin from what the doctors are saying. I just asked them to give it to me straight and I feel like I've learned over the years to judge a liar when they're looking me in the eye. I think he's gonna pull through this and be just fine."

"Physically."

"Yeah, yeah I mean he's gonna survive getting shot at. You're kind of making that sound unimpressive…." he teased, and she indulged him a wry smirk.

"I just mean that there was a lot going on here, a lot happening for these kids even before. I don't know what the hell went down at that house but I don't question for a second what put Calvin there with a case of beer after what happened at our place."

"That fight with Evie was pretty epic. He left in a bad way."

"And he went home, El."

"Nah, no he…."

"Yes!" cried Olivia emphatically, lowering the coffee cup from her lips and pouring over Elliot's stricken face with her eyes. "I can't process this. I get it, I understand it. My logical mind can compute the facts and as a cop, as someone who will always bleed SVU blue I can see that every single one of these kids needs our help but…."

"But as Evie's mom you can't?" he offered, because he felt the exact same way.

"I can't wrap my heart around it."

"I'm in the exact same place. I love Calvin, in a way I never thought I'd love someone who wasn't my own. It was a slower burner, it wasn't easy and he's tested me in ways our kids never have but when we walked in on them fighting? When I knew he'd cheated on Evie with Texas I was heartbroken. _I_ felt betrayed, let alone her."

"What do we do, Elliot?" she asked, shaking her head and closing her eyes. The momentary darkness her eyelids provided was comforting. "When he wakes up, and pray God he wakes up, where do we go from here?"

"I guess that's Evie's call not ours."

"She's my daughter and I'd give my life for her. I'd do anything to keep her safe, out of harm, to ensure her happiness."

"I know that you would, and so would I."

"But is it possible to do that, to be everything she needs me to be, to honour my job as her mother and…."

"And save Calvin too?" laughed Elliot, not because it was funny, but because it was either that or cry. He wasn't a crier.

"I think that I need to talk to Eve, and I think I need to do it _before_ Cal wakes up."

* * *

"You okay?"

"Not really, are you?" asked Eve, rolling her thumbs around one another as she sat beside Calvin's bed. Her mother walked slowly across the room and managed a fraction of a smile.

"No, no not really."

"I keep replaying so many conversations in my head. I keep thinking about how cold I was with him lately. Whatever happened between the two of them I shouldn't have treated him that way."

"He shouldn't have treated you that way Evie."

"Mom?" said Eve quietly, as Olivia took an uneasy perch in the seat beside her. Her eyes settled on Calvin as he lay still unware in the bed in front of them and filled with emotion.

"Nothing changes what went before, sweetheart. Why do people do that? I remember it with my mother. People hated her, truly, disliked her on every level. She was hostile, selfish, uncaring and noncommittal. To the rare few who didn't know her very well she was charismatic, charming and so smart. Someone told me once that they loved to watch Serena hold court in any room she walked into. Anyone who stayed long enough realised they were just a hostage. Those same people came to her funeral and gushed, poured out platitudes, held me and told me how wonderful she was."

"I guess it's just a different perspective….." swallowed Eve, reaching out a trembling hand and laying it over her mother's, "… when something terrible and unexpected happens. Maybe its shock or maybe it's just the fear of losing…"

"You still get to be angry Evie. You still get to be mad as hell at him; you still get to feel hurt and confused. Loving him and wanting him to survive this and be just fine is not the same as forgetting everything that happened before the trigger was pulled."

"And are you angry, Mom?"

"You're my daughter, you're my baby girl…." replied Olivia simply, interlacing her fingers with Eve's, "… when he had you broken on the floor of our home I wanted to kill him myself."

"You don't mean that…." sighed Eve, shaking her head and smiling because even as she spoke Olivia's words dripped with adoration for Calvin despite it all. "You're just being my Mom."

"Always."

"But you know he needs you. You're his mother too and we have to all find our way here. Whatever happens between he and I you have to find a way to forgive him, okay? He was honest, right? That's something."

"Not honest enough, and not soon enough for me."

"He was confused, I guess. It's been so long with the two of them. I've been going over and over in my mind whether I knew even though I didn't know. If I'd seen it somehow, if I'd sensed something between them beyond friendship and honestly maybe I did, I don't know."

"What would you have happen next, if you could shape it?" asked Olivia, because she knew that was what she would throw her weight behind. "If you could choose what the future looks like, what comes after he wakes up and recovers from this?"

"Can I ask you a question before I answer that?"

"Sure, of course."

"Did you fight for him? For Dad I mean. After you knew that you loved him. After you knew he was in love with you too. Did you ask him to leave Cathy for you?"

"No."

"Did you want to?"

"Did I want him to leave her, or did I want to ask him to do it?"

"Both, the first one, either…."

"I was scared to ask. I was scared to be wrong. I had nothing and together they had everything. They were a family. He had kids and a marriage, he had a life. I had a tiny apartment and a job and zero clue whether what we had would actually survive in reality."

"Shit…."

"What?" said Olivia, watching Eve's face grey, "What is it Evie?"

"Texas….." said Eve, brow furrows and eyes locked on Olivia's in panic, "….where the hell is Tex?"

* * *

"Texas?"

"Hi."

"What's going on? Why aren't you at the hospital?"

"I…."

"Hey, here, come on, come in…." said Fin, grabbing for Texas' arm to steady her and holding it fast as they staggered into his home together. "Calvin he's…."

"I don't know. I didn't go there. I was with Johnny."

"You were, huh?" having had a basic run down of events initially from Elliot, and drip fed information via Sam since Fin was still piecing together the finer points of what had happened. "How's he doing?"

"I have to be honest with you Fin. You have the babies here, I didn't know that…."

"Yeah, yeah I'm watching them while they're all at the hospital. I'm taking them down there later so….." pausing, realising what she had said, Fin asked, "…honest with me about what, Tex?"

"I'm high right now."

"I see…." said Fin, taking painstaking care to retain a neutral expression. He refused to show an inch of disappointment or judgment of any kind. He knew just exactly what it had taken her to come here, and he wasn't about to see her alone in any of this.

"Cal has his family. He has Olivia and Elliot and Evie, his wife, right? Sammy's his best friend. I know how they might see it, I know how it could look. They don't know it, but I do, how it's what _Calvin_ would've done. To stay with Johnny, I mean. Someone had to. There was no one else…." still standing in the doorway, Texas wrapped her fingers around Fin's wrist and met his eyes with her lingering brown stare, "… and no person should have to die alone. Not even _that_ one."

"Wait so he…."

"Yeah, yeah he's gone."

"Do they know? Does Liv know?"

"What would she care?" said Texas, no spite or malice, just a genuine shrug of fact. "He did this, he caused this…." she spoke slowly, sadly, rocks in her pockets, "… and I helped him."

"Bullshit you did. You weren't at that house? You didn't open fire on the two of them, Jesus!"

"I brought him back here. I brought Johnny back to New York. I put him back in Calvin's life and I put myself back there. I dragged him back into a life he'd finally escaped and…."

"He's a big boy, Tex. You're giving yourself far too much credit….." mumbled Fin grimly, draping an arm around her and marching her toward the kitchen and a strong coffee, "… come on, you're staying here a while with me."

* * *

"You're awake! You're awake, you're you, you're really you!"

"Be freaky if I was someone else…"

"Oh babe, oh Calvin you have no idea!" cried Eve emphatically, grabbing at Calvin's face and painting it with kisses.

"You doin' alright there Bambi?"

"I thought you were…." squeezing her eyes closed, she held them tight, and then pinged them open and laughed awkwardly, "… forget that! You're okay! You gave us _quite_ the scare for a while there though buddy!"

"I'm fine, I'm just fine…." worming his way a little further up the bed, wincing in pain as the bandage over his damaged shoulder moved, "… ow."

"Does it really hurt? They said it was pretty clean in and out, that it hasn't left any lasting damage. I mean thank God he only got your shoulder and not…."

"The jewels?"

"God I hate you so much for joking around right now!"

"You don't hate me Evie Grace…." flashing his old lopsided smile Calvin grabbed for her wrist, "… come here, come sit down, come sit with me."

"Cal let's not, I mean, it's so great you're awake but things are still…."

"What?" his face was blank, the perfect picture of obliviousness. "Did I do something to make you mad? Oh _come on_ Evie, what chore did I miss? What did I do that a bullet to the chest doesn't get me out of, huh?"

"Shoulder."

"What?"

"Shoulder, not chest."

"Whatever."

"Calvin we had a fight, remember?" she tested, not wanting to put undue stress on his recovery, but equally needing for her own sanity to ascertain what was going on in his mind.

"We did?" he puzzled, "Well from the look on your face it was my fault, so I'm guessing I should just apologise now for whatever my bad was and…."

"Cal you…."

"So where are my two little nuggets, huh? When do I get to play the hero Dad and show them my war wound huh?"

"You really don't remember….." she murmured, almost inaudible, "… any of it?"

"Any of what?"

"I haven't managed to figure out where Texas is yet, she isn't here and I don't know…."

"She's probably tied up with Leni or something. I guess she's busy, that's cool. So yeah, like I said, are the kids here?"

"Yeah, yeah they're with my Mom…." she nodded brightly, possibility returning to her mind and heart, "… but are you sure you don't want to see Tex first?"

"Sure, sure I'm sure…." he nodded, holding her hand still tighter and smiling calmly, "… I can see here anytime, right?"

"Right."

"Evie? You okay?"

"I'm gonna go get the babies now…." she said, holding her breath without realising it. Once out the room she let go, of the breath in her lungs and the tears in her throat. She would've given anything five minutes ago for him to have woken up and it all have been a bad dream, and yet somehow the reality of that was more of a nightmare than she could've imagined.

* * *

"You're pretty hard to track down."

"What are you doing here?"

"Wow, okay, good to see you too Tex…." sighed Eve, heaving herself up onto the barstool beside her friend and setting her purse down with a thud. "I thought you might be even slightly curious to know how Cal is after….."

"That isn't fair…." said Texas, flinching "… is he?"

"Awake, and doing great."

"Oh, oh that's….." swallowing, struggling over the right word Texas tested one that sounded foreign on her tongue, "… wonderful."

"What're you doing here?" asked Eve, cutting clean through any tension like a knife through butter and refusing to acknowledge it. She may be mindful to show her mother's compassion but she carried Elliot's distaste for insincerity close to her heart, "I mean unless this is the world's first dry bar and that's lemonade you're nursing there then….."

"What are _you_ doing here Evie?" deflected Texas, swilling the ice cubes in her glass morosely. "I mean I don't care, you're shiny, and you're nice. You're not the worst person to hang out with. I'm not being unwelcoming. I just figure you should be with Cal right now, eh?"

"Actually I…."

"¡Oh Dios mío! ¿Qué pasa?" swallowing hard, almost choking on her vodka Texas eyes filled with the kind of abject terror Evie had only witness a few times in her life. Deep and black, bottomless, ever giving of love despite rejection Texas' eyes were wide as an owl's as she stumbled, "Were you lying before? Is he _not_ doing great? Is he damaged? Did he wake up weird? Is he….."

"No! No, God! Oh no, no I'm sorry that's not what I…." heaving a sigh Eve stopped herself. After several deep breaths she began again, "Tex you gotta sober up for good this time, we've got to get you out of here and home to Fin's and you need to get your shit together."

"Don't say shit…." that what Calvin would've said, that's what he always said, and somehow where it ought to have hurt, where it ought to have angered Eve it just made her smile.

The two women shared a moment, fleeting but tender, where they smiled at one another from opposite sides of what was becoming an increasingly difficult triangle of souls.

"I love Calvin."

"I know you do, mija, and he…."

"No, no please, let me talk for a minute?"

"Okay, okay, one second…." nodded Texas, gesturing to the bar tender. "Hi, hi could I just get a water please? As big as you can?"

"Water?" asked Eve, a little surprised.

"You look like you need this before you say whatever it is you're about to say…." replied Texas, catching Eve's look of disgust and delivering her trademark pitch perfect cackle. "Oh you're face right now is priceless, mija! You'd be a horrid poker player. Relax, I didn't touch it."

"You didn't?" by gosh she was beautiful when she smiled, thought Texas, her heart swelling with a confusion of emotions she was ill equipped to decipher. She had come to love Evie, and there were moments where that was almost as hard as giving Calvin up. "You didn't drink at all?"

"I stole a big hit of morphine from a dying man this morning, honey. So don't get too excited, don't give me any credit, I'm still in the gutter, Evie."

"I heard about Johnny…." said Eve, reaching for the untouched vodka and necking it with only a slight shiver at the aftertaste. "But I don't want to talk about him right now; I want to talk about you. I want to talk about you and Calvin, that's why I came here."

"Evie I…."

"Shut up I'm not done yet. I came here because you need to know something, because if you knew the truth then you wouldn't be here alone in a bar you'd be down at the hospital with Cal and…."

"Knew what?"

"The night of the shooting he and I had a fight. He told me how things weren't right with us, and how he couldn't do it anymore. Our marriage, that is. How it didn't feel right and he couldn't make it feel right, not the way it used to be. We fought, and he left, and now here we are…."

"I'm sorry Evie, truly I am, I…." guilt, shame and remorse washed over Texas in a wave of nausea so powerful that she lost her grip on words for a moment. Finally recapturing herself she repeated at a murmur, "I am so, so very sorry."

"He doesn't seem to remember anything about that night. Things were pretty normal today, he started talking about coming home and the twins and its fine. Its fine until it isn't fine anymore, not really, because it isn't real. Once the painkillers wear off, once the adrenalin of getting shot at fades and his mind clears and he remembers everything and he feels everything he felt that night…."

"Oh Evie…."

"You have to go see him Texas."

"I don't know…." hesitant, thick black brows furrowing over a face that was jaded but still striking Texas shook her head. "I'm not so sure that's a good idea. That can't be what you want? Not really?"

"No, not really. That doesn't mean it isn't the right thing though. I could keep it up, the pretending, and the ignoring it all. It's only temporary though, it's only a matter of time before the cracks start to show again. You can paint over them but it's all still under there….." turning her head, lifting her butterfly lashes Evie sighed, "… you're still under there."

"I don't know what to say."

"I don't like any of this; in fact I hate it, all of it. My marriage is falling apart, my family is crumbling but I can't rebuild it on a lie. I can't live every day holding my breath and hoping he never remembers that he told the truth for the first time in a fucking long time that night, and he went looking for you. He went back to the last place he was with you. He is in love with **you** Texas."

"I am so, so sorry…."

"I know you are…." sniffed Eve, her masque slipping as she brought a shaky hand to her face and choked, "… and that just makes it a million times worse, a million times harder."

"I can walk away."

"What?" a sniff became a snort that Eve almost choked on as she shot her gaze back up to her friend.

"I **will** walk away Evie, I swear to you. I will walk away and I will never contact any of you again."

"That's crazy, that's…."

"I can live upstate someplace. I only get Leni on weekends and some holidays anyway and she can visit me there. I don't have to be in the city right now, maybe ever, I can talk to Gil and Nick. I can work something out."

"You're serious, aren't you?" staggered, realising she was considering the possibility, Eve fell silent. Texas was absolutely serious, and it made it profoundly difficult to make her the devil.

"I never meant for this. I was his friend, his best friend. I never meant to resurrect anything. I know that's what people always say, I know that's a cliché, to say that it just happened. I don't know how else to explain it, other than to say it was just there. Maybe it never went away, but it was one kiss. It was one stupid, stupid kiss in jail and we were very emotional and I was not in a good place and I had no idea it would cause….." shrugging, feeling entirely helpless Texas squeaked, "… this."

"I actually think I believe you."

"He didn't either, Evie. This wasn't an affair, please know that. It never went beyond a kiss. He might have been confused, he might have not been completely honest about what he was feeling I don't know. I just know that he's a good man, he's a good person and I couldn't live with myself if you stopped believing that."

"Don't walk away."

"I…."

"You haven't walked away from that boy a day in your life Texas…." she was crying now, but she didn't care, "… don't start now. It'd break his heart."

"But Evie…."

"I don't know what happens next. I don't know anything at all anymore. I don't know what we do, what tomorrow looks like let alone anything after that. All I do know is that you need to go see him. You need to go to the hospital and talk to Calvin. The two of you need to have a conversation."

"This doesn't feel right, how can this ever be right?"

"I don't know."

"I'm not sure it can."

"Do you love him?"

"Yeah, yeah of course I…."

"But he's _in love_ with you Texas, are you in love with him too?" asked Eve, and the answer came from Texas' eyes. Climbing down from her stool Eve lifted her purse from the bar, lay a hand lightly on Texas' shoulder and said, "Then in that case how can it be wrong?"


	26. Dreaming My Dreams With You

"Hey?"

"Hey, hi….." stumbled Calvin, struggling to sit himself up and get a better look at the face presenting in the doorway, "… hi?"

"Can I come in?"

"Can you…." he laughed, a little breathless, "… fuck, Boots, yeah, yeah come over here?"

"I'm so happy to see you!" unable to hold back Texas dropped her purse where she stood and ran the length of Calvin's room, throwing her arms around his neck and hugging it tight. It was agony for his wound but he didn't care. He would've endured far worse to have her never let go.

"Yeah, yeah me too….." he murmured, burying his face in her hair and breathing in the familiarity of her perfume. Inhaling it, taking her deep into his lungs, there was a shift.

The curtain dropped, the ice cracked, and details began to regain focus. A sensory trigger for a gunshot, a flash of fighting, and the sudden realisation that nothing is as it was. An awareness came over him, thick and heavy, comforting and terrifying in equal measure, that nothing would ever be the same again.

"He saved my life."

"What?" she asked, drawing back, pulling away just far enough to see his face.

"Johnny, he took the first bullet for me. He jumped in. He saved my life."

"You just remembered that?" she swallowed, but the greyness in his face told her he had and she needn't wait for a reply. "Cal he's dead, he didn't make it. You know that right?"

"No, no I didn't know that…." he said quietly, the arm on his good side still holding her. He wasn't letting go. "Damn it, John. Damn it."

"You okay?" the words came at a whisper, and she nudged herself into a perch beside him. "You're okay, you're fine…." no longer asking but affirming, she stroked at his hair, his face, holding his jaw in her palm and smiling, "… don't cry."

"I'm not fucking crying over that a-hole…." but he was, and the tears rose hot and sudden, clenching his throat in a vice and then exploding into Texas' chest in heavy, ugly sobs. "Fuck!"

"You're okay, you're okay, I got you…" she soothed, holding his head against her chest as he twisted and wrenched in pain, everything gripped, everything hurting, "… shhhh, just breathe, breathe, mi amor."

"He saved my life….." he repeated, because there was nothing else to say.

"I was with him. I was there, when he….." exhaling slowly through circled lips Texas took a moment, then repeated this action once more until she could talk with a level voice. "He wasn't alone at the end."

"I'm glad, I'm glad….." grabbing for her hand, holding it tight enough to risk fracturing a bone Calvin spoke through gritted teeth, "… is that fucked up? That I don't think he deserved that?"

"To die or to die alone?"

"I don't know? Either? Both? He did things to you that…."

"Don't think about that now, don't think about any of that: ever again. Those things are in the past now, they die with him as far as I'm concerned. You shouldn't carry them with you anymore, Cal. It's time to move on."

"Tex…."

"We can't live in the past forever, guapo. It's done, it's gone: it's over. Your Mom is gone, Johnny's dead, the house isn't ours anymore. There's nothing pulling us back there now. We're free; we're finally free of all of it."

"Not all of it."

"Yes, yeah, Calvin we have to be. Just forget him, forget it all."

"Not all of it…." he repeated firmly, his hold on her hand looser now, his fingertips stroking lightly over her knuckles, "…. there's one thing I can't ever forget, one thing I don't wanna forget. One thing I don't want to be free of."

"Cal….."

"Do you?" he rasped, pouring over her face with pleading eyes. He needed the truth; they both did, once and for all. "Do you want to forget that? Forget this…." the pads of his fingers were so light as they moved to dance across the soft skin of her forearm she felt flushed, dizzy somewhere between agony and ecstasy, "… do you wanna be free of us?"

"Te ruego, no, don't….." she whispered, as he held her hand to his mouth and kissed it tenderly, "… don't…"

"Because you don't want this?" he asked softly, "Or because you're scared?"

"You're married, Cal. You have a family and a life and…."

"I love you, Boots…"

"It's not enough! Is it? Do you have _any idea_ how long I've waited for this? It feels like my whole life Calvin. I've wanted this, I've dreamed of this, but it isn't real, is it? Can it ever be? I'm not just your Boots anymore, life got in the way. There are other people in this now, people whose hearts we're gonna break if we let this happen."

"I know that, I'm aware."

"But you'd do it anyway?" she asked, shrugging her shoulders sadly. "Isn't that just horribly selfish?"

"I got shot, Tex. There but for the grace of God and my asshole cousin coming good for once in his fucking life…."

"I know you did, I know you could've died. That's why you're talking like this."

"You know what I thought? Lying there on the fucking floor with my guts bleeding out my shoulder?"

"I wish I'd ducked?" she offered, and he laughed, and winced, and just stared at her for a moment.

"Two things: I thought of two things. Please don't let me die and leave my kids without a father….." holding her eyes, refusing to look away he added, "… and please God don't let me die without ever getting to tell Tex the truth."

"And what's that then?"

"That it's enough. That **you** are enough, Texas Mendoza…." lifting their clasped hands to his chest, holding them against him tight Calvin choked, "… just **exactly** the way you are."

"Cal…" she mouthed, his words a symphony in her soul, their sincerity resounding in her heart. "What are you saying Calvin? Because if it's what I think you are then you need to say it. You need to say it so that there is no doubt here, no misunderstanding or misinterpretation. You have to tell me what you want, you have to tell me what…."

"You."

"I…"

"Come here? Hey, come here…." he beckoned, tossing his head and encouraging her to move toward him. She did, scooting up the bed and leaning in.

"I want you, Tex. I want us. I want to be with you. I want us to be together because….." she had fallen further forward, and their foreheads were pressed together now as he spoke, their noses grazing lightly, "… because I'm kind of crazy in love with you."

"You couldn't have fallen in love with me _before_ you married and had kids with someone else?" she whispered, shaking her head slowly side to side. "This is hard for me, Cal, really hard. It's not about wanting it or not wanting it, but yeah, yeah you're right I'm scared. I'm scared to death Calvin and I've got every right to be."

"I can't explain it. I can't justify or defend any of it. I'm just trying to be honest now, to do the right thing for everyone and just say what's in my heart and…. "

"Fuck off."

"Hey!"

"What's in your heart?" she arched a brow, rolling her eyes. "Okay so now I _know_ that bullet did something to your brain. Who are you and what've you done with the real Arliss."

"Can I kiss you?" he murmured, a heartbeat between them and his breath warm on her face. "I wanna kiss you pretty fucking badly right now Boots."

"No, no you can't Cal."

"Okay."

"Don't do that, don't' give me those puppy eyes…." narrowing her eyes she warned him, "… you know just how bad I wanna let you. You know just how bad I wanna kiss you back and more."

"I guess I got some things to square away first, huh?"

"If you're really serious about this then yeah, yeah you do. We already kissed once too many behind Evie's back. I don't want any part of making this worse for her and I owe a debt too big to Olivia to disrespect either one of them anymore than we already have."

"Yeah, yeah me too. So you know though? I'm dead serious Tex."

"She knows, you know? Evie? Who'd you think sent me here? Who'd you think came and fetched me and told me you two fought, told me that we needed to talk?"

"Evie's stronger than she knows."

"She'll need to be….." swallowed Texas, her forehead still against his, "… if we do this."

"I don't wanna be an asshole. I don't wanna be that guy. I can't lie to her though, that's not right either? I can't lie to her or Livia and pretend I'm happy when I'm not. I can't sit round that table with them and act like it's all just the same, that nothing's changed, that I haven't changed."

"You're not an asshole."

"No?" mumbled Calvin, and there it was. That look, that self-deprecating shrug, that inflection, and that lopsided smile.

"Ay que la chingada….." said Texas under her breath, as lying on his warm chest and became too much to bear and skin on fire she lost her white knuckled grip on the moral high ground. She was in this way over her head already, she was drowning in it: he was the love of her life and he had been since she was a little girl.

"What's that mean?"

"You have me, Calvin. That's what it means. It means I was always yours, if we're honest with each other. Johnny was a lot of things but he wasn't stupid, and he always called me your girl. It means I am hopelessly, helplessly in love with you. I want you too; I want us to be together more than anything…."

"I'm sensing a butt?" he ventured uneasily.

"But you gotta earn me this time, guapo."

"Huh?"

"I'm not an old pair of jeans you can just pick up and put back on. I'm not your fuck buddy this time, this isn't back then, we're not teenagers and I'm not that girl anymore. I'm not all the way to where I want to be with my sobriety and Leni and everything else in my life but I want to be. I want to do better, to be better. I want to be the person that Olivia Stabler sees when she looks at me."

"Wow."

"If we do this, if we're really saying we're gonna do this then we do it differently Arliss. We don't just pick up where we left off and hope it works out. We make it work out, for both of us. That means you need to talk to your wife, you need to talk to your family first and make sure this won't destroy everything you've got there because it's good Calvin. That family is the best damn thing you ever had."

"You're my family too, Tex, you always have been."

"Talk to the Stablers and then after that come find me, come find me and we'll talk some more. I'll text you my new address."

* * *

"You think that office space is enough?"

"For now yeah, I mean we're gonna have to start small. It's all reputation right, word of mouth, we're not gonna have anyone one the books when we're just starting out so we can keep headquarters modest."

"I like it, I like it a lot…." said Elliot, bracing his hands on his hips and turning one side to another to survey the new car shop premises. "You did good son, more than that you did great. Real estate isn't easy to come by in this city and I think you got this at an incredible price."

"I mean we're eating jail food, literally, collectively as a family we're living on gruel for at least six months to even come close to staying afloat on this thing."

"You got Cal's money in the bag on this?" asked Elliot, breaking their previous silence on all matters relating to the shooting or Calvin. "He's a part of it?"

"Dad he's a massive part of it, it's a partnership. That hasn't changed."

"You mean since he screwed your sister over?"

"Are you saying I shouldn't have gone ahead? You knew what I was doing. You can't hate Cal for all this anymore than I can Dad so don't give me crap for not wanting to try."

"I feel like he lead her on, is that unfair? To feel cheated out of all those years she spent tailing him around the country? To just walk away now? After she stood by him so long?"

"He didn't plan this Dad. He enlisted when she was off in college doing her thing. He earned an honest wage to take care of her and their family. He did what he felt was right at the time, it's not that he was never in love with her. He didn't lie, he didn't deceive her that whole time. Things just change, right? People, feelings, the path you're life's supposed to go down?"

"When the hell did you get so wise. That's your mother in you right there. I never could make words work for me like that."

"Humph."

"You been to see him since he woke up?"

"I've kept meaning to, it's just been busy. I figured getting this place rolling was kind of a priority you know?"

"You're feeling weird about it too, huh?" smiled Elliot empathetically. He got it, he really did.

"I just don't want Evie to think I'm not totally on her side, you know?"

"Yeah, yeah I do."

"I don't hate him, I'm not even that mad at him if I'm honest. I've got the world's worst track record with women and trying to figure out all that stuff. I screwed things up with Leah and Bo and every other girl who risked their neck dating me."

"Sammy that's not true…."

"It is and it's fine. I got issues…." laughing to himself, at himself, Sam shrugged, "… so I'm not gonna play judge jury and executioner on my brother for this. I just wanna do right by Evie."

"Your brother, huh?" nodded Elliot, never having heard his son describe Calvin that way. One small word, but one that carried profound emotion and loyalty.

"He's a buffoon, he's an idiot and he's been a dick to my sister but I still…." shrugging, Sam looked up at his father and repeated, ".. he's my brother."

"You okay, son?"

"I've just lost a lot of things, of…." jaw tightening Sam balled his hand to a fist and bit at his knuckles. Elliot put a hand on his son's shoulder, gave it a reassuring squeeze and sighed.

"You can be pissed at Calvin and you can even tell him that but you won't lose him. Your sister wouldn't want that and Calvin wouldn't let it happen."

"He's not a bad person just because he did a bad thing, right?" said Sam, more because he needed to hear his father confirm it than that he didn't already believe it himself.

"Listen I'm with you, I don't wanna talk to him right now either. I'm taking some time, I'm taking a time out where Calvin is concerned and I'm concentrating on taking care of Evie and your Mom and the twins."

"That wasn't really an answer."

"It's not the same thing. It isn't the same situation and I don't care to compare but what I do know is that once I knew deep down that I was completely in love with your mother nothing would ever be the same again with Cathy."

"Yeah?"

"And it shames me now to admit that I don't know how things would've panned out if Liv hadn't gotten pregnant with Evie."

"You mean you don't know if you'd have left Cathy or not?"

"I mean that everything else aside, all the mess this has made, the confusion, in a lot of ways I actually feel like I respect Cal for it. I'm mad as hell for how this is all hurting Evie, but he spoke up. He had the balls to voice how he felt and be honest with her. I know first-hand how hard that is to do when you know just exactly how bad it's gonna hurt the people you care the most about. If he's in love with Texas then that marriage is not good enough for Evie anymore, she deserves someone who's all in."

"You think he's alright? Cal I mean?"

"I don't know, son. I just know that I can't be the one to ask right now. I'm sorry, but I just can't."

"Do you think that Eve would mind if I went and saw him? I just don't feel right thinking how all this is messing with his head too, and maybe he needs a buddy."

"I think that's your call Sammy."

* * *

"How's my girl doing?"

"I wasted so many years on that boy."

"Oh Evie…"

"No, I don't mean that. I really don't, please don't think I do. They were wonderful years, hard but there were some of the greatest moments of my life living on base with Cal and then with Bear and the twins. I don't regret anything, not really. I absolutely don't regret our two beautiful babies."

"And they _are_ so, so gorgeous, aren't you my loves?" cooed Olivia, making peekaboo faces at CJ and Livi as they played on the living room rug. "Are you my favourite little people? Yes you are, yes you are you're Grandma Liv's favourite little munchkins."

"It hurts Mom, all of it."

"Yeah, yeah I'll bet, sweet girl…." said Olivia, reaching out a hand and waiting for Eve to put hers in it. "Nothing about this is fair or kind or easy. I've come to learn there's precious little about love that's easy at all really. I admire the way you're handling it all with such grace, if that means anything?"

"It does."

"And for what it's worth I think that you're doing the right thing. I don't want you in a marriage that isn't going anywhere. I don't want you with someone who's not in it completely, wholly, whose heart isn't one hundred percent yours. That's no life, and it's not the life I want for my baby girl."

"I'm not a baby anymore Momma. I know that's what you call me, I know that's what you've always called me but lately it just doesn't sound right. I don't want to be small, or sweet, or dependent ever again. I'm sorry, that isn't really directed at you."

"I know it isn't and I know exactly what you're saying. I hear it and it sounds good, Eve."

"I'm gonna work damn hard at my job and I'm gonna work my way up. I want it, I'm hungry for it. I want to take what I've learned in school, what I've learned from being a victim and use it to help people the way you did. I want my kids to look at me the way you know Sammy and I have always looked at you."

"You don't have to be brave all the time Evie…." said Olivia, not dismissing Eve's words but feeling the need to talk around them, "… at least not with me. I know you're raw, I know this is tearing you apart inside."

"How do I un-love him, Mom?"

"You can't, you can't do it just like that. It'll be a time thing. In time you'll realise that you can love him differently than you've done before. I suppose."

"Could you un-love Dad?" asked Eve, and it was a painfully loaded question.

"I don't know that I can answer that. I'm not sure it's something you know whether you are or aren't strong enough to do, to survive, until it happens. All I do know is that I want him to be happy: always. If being with me wasn't what he needed, what he truly needed to be happy anymore then I would try. I'd try my damned hardest."

"I guess Cathy did it…." she was too late to catch the words, and her eyes shot up to Olivia's apologetically, "… oh God! Mom! That was horrid, I'm so sorry!"

"Don't apologise, don't for a second. You're right, you're completely right. You could talk to her, you know? It might help."

"I guess so."

"Do you need help with anything? Practically I mean, do you need me to…"

"Mom you're still supposed to be taking things easy, remember? Thank you, though, but I think I'm good. I've spoken to Fin and he's agreed, saint that he is, to let Calvin stay with him while he recovers and figures out what's next. I guess it seems selfish when he's just cheat death, or whatever, but I couldn't figure out how to live all of us together here. That was just too much."

"I think that sounds like a great plan. Don't worry about Fin, he grouches but he and Melinda love the company really."

"I'm going to ask Dad to take the twins for a while, with Sammy's help of course. I don't know how Cal will be fixed to take care of them for a while but he'll be around obviously. I need a week to just go someplace, to just be, without all this. The beauty of no longer being an Army wife, or actually a wife at all is that I don't have to ask anyone's permission to just peace the hell out on life."

"Sure, sure and I'll be here too so I can…."

"Actually I was kind of hoping you might come along?" said Eve, quiet but hopeful. "I know you're still recovering from the surgery but I'll drive. It won't be anything fancy. Just a week somewhere that isn't New York City where I can put all this on pause while I get my head together."

"I…."

"You don't have to say yes or no right now, just think about it okay?"

"Evie I don't have to think about it; _of course_ I'll come with you. We'll go wherever you pick and do whatever you want to do. This is your time."

"You know I'm trying so hard to hold it together. To not let these two feel how sad I am. I'm so glad you said yes…." her voice cracked and she smiled through tears at Olivia, "… because I just really wanna be with my Mom and no one else right now."

* * *

"You look better."

"Do I?" asked Calvin, his heart racing to see Olivia materialise in his hospital room doorway. "I kinda didn't expect to see you here…."

"How are you feeling?"

"It's healing. My shoulder, they said. It'll get full mobility back. They're reducing the painkillers. I'll do some therapy on it."

"That's good."

"Livia I…."

"Calvin let me go first?"

"Sure, sure go…."

"This is hard for me, this is hard, hard thing for me to process and to feel my way through. I love all of you, deeply, you know that. Texas is part of my family at this point and you certainly are. You know just exactly what you are to me Calvin and you gotta know the position all this puts me in."

"You're Evie's mother I get it. I'd feel the same way if someone did to Livi what I've done to her. I'd want blood, I'd wish the bullet would've…."

"Stop, stop it, don't you dare; because you know me better than that….." snapped Olivia, raising her index finger to him in warning. "Talk to me Calvin. Tell me what's going on in your head. Tell me what your next move is."

"I…."

"You okay?" she asked, softening, her shoulders relaxing as she moved closer to the bed and picked a fluff of lint from the blanket. "Are you hanging in there, sweetheart?"

"Johnny's dead."

"Yes."

"He saved my life, Livia. He took the bullet to the chest that should've killed me."

"Would have, not should have….." corrected Olivia quickly, warm brown eyes levelling with his, "… and it isn't the first time an Arliss took a bullet for someone he loved. Is it?"

"That was a long time ago."

"You think I'll ever forget it?" she scoffed, shaking her head and reaching for his hand. "Cal this is a mess, this is messy. It is a horrible, complicated situation that is going to get worse and to hurt more before it gets better. It will get better though. Evie will find her feet and her strength to stand alone. You'll stop punishing yourself eventually."

"I hurt her. I took vows to love and to cherish, to honour and protect her and I broke her heart."

"Protect isn't in the wedding vows Cal that's just what you do. That's just who you are. I know you feel like there's no way out of this but you're wrong there is. You have to just push through it, you can't go back now. What's done is done. It won't be easy, it'll take time and lots of it but everyone involved in this will find a way to come to terms with it eventually."

"Everything she's been through and the one thing she really needed protecting from was me. Mrs S was right, I should never have…."

"Don't do that either, just stop it. Don't dishonour what the two of you had, all the things you were and you did, those two beautiful babies, just because this is where you are now. You both are who you are because you loved each other, because you were in love. I can't pretend it wouldn't have been easier; it wouldn't have saved a lot of hurt if you and Texas had gotten together from the beginning and Evie had never been involved. That doesn't mean I wish it that way. You two grew up together, you raised each other: you can't paint it all black I won't let you."

"Is she okay?"

"Not really…." answered Olivia honestly, before smiling faintly and adding, "… but she will be, and so will you."

"I didn't want this, what I mean is I didn't seek it out. It kinda crept up on me, slowly, when I wasn't looking. Some stuff faded, feelings, and some stuff just came out of nowhere and smacked me round the fucking jaw."

"Texas?" supplied Olivia, seeing a sudden shift in his expression.

"I've always loved her that's no big secret."

"No, no of course not."

"It's different with her and I can't explain it. She's in my veins; she's a part of me. For a long time I was angry, ashamed, so confused about where I came from and all the things I'd done and been a involved in. I guess I buried her in all of that. I painted it black, is that what you said? I walked away, I ran, and I just fucking numbed it all out. My Mom and Trigger and Johnny and…." catching his breath, lowering his eyes, still wearing his shame Calvin added, "… and I really honest to God thought I'd left me and her behind with all of that."

"You two were still close?" perhaps it was too intimate a question to ask, perhaps she ought not to pry, but Olivia felt that she had to. If she was going to move past this in her own relationship with Calvin then she had to understand it, and she had to understand him.

"We were friends, Livia. I swear to you. I cared about her, I looked out for her as best I could, and I was genuinely fucking thrilled for her when she got together with Gil and had Leni. I wasn't jealous, not really, not like that. I was happy with Evie and that's it. That's all I can say. I didn't see this coming. I didn't know I'd ever feel this way about her again. I just know that once I did, once I felt it, I knew it'd never go away. I tried to deny it, ignore it, will it away, but deep down I knew from there on out it'd always sit between me and Evie."

"Have you spoken to her? To Texas? How's she doing in all of this?"

"You wanna know something?" smiled Calvin, his whole face lighting up as he laughed wryly to himself. "The biggest fucking irony of them all?"

"Please God don't tell me what I'm afraid you're about to. She's not drinking again is she? Using?"

"No, no, well, one small error judgement but she was watching Johnny die so I'm gonna go ahead and give her a pass."

"We'll come back to that….." sighed Olivia, lifting a worried hand to her forehead and pinching and the bridge of her nose with dread, "… but how's she doing? How's she coping? Is she…."

"Livia she's fine, actually that's what I was gonna say. She the most together I have _ever_ seen her, and she's different, she's…."

"What?"

"She told me I have to earn it: us, me and her. I have to earn her. Like she's thinking beyond today, like she believes that there's time. Like she finally realises that she's fucking worth something…."

"Wow."

"No kissing, no…." stopping himself, taking a beat, he looked Olivia in the eye and choked up, "… she finally gets it Livia."

"She finally gets it…." nodded Olivia, tears catching her off guard. It wasn't how she had imagined it happening, or how she would've wanted it to come about, but it brought her some joy and hope in all the pain.

"I understand Livia. I get that you've gotta be with Evie on this and I want you to be, she needs you, you shouldn't come here again. Not right now at least."

"That was actually what I came to say. She and I are going to take a little girls trip, just have some time together to breathe through some of this. El is gonna have the twins, with Sammy's help, and it'll only been a week or so. Fin has agreed he'll bring them to visit you until you get out and then he's going to have you stay with him a while."

"Nah, nah Livia I can't…."

"You can and you will. Do it for me?"

"I…."

"You've started this Calvin. You've done this now. You've gotta follow through. You can't quit because it's gotten hard. You have to make this work for those babies. You have to make this work for you and for Evie. You can't turn back now, the only way out is through, okay?"

"Okay."

"Do you want to be with Texas?"

"Yeah, yeah I do."

"So be with her, do whatever it takes. Don't make all this for nothing."

"Livia?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry, truly."

"Take care of yourself, Calvin…." she said, nodding slowly, patting his hand and leaving quietly.


	27. When You Give What You Can't Take Back

"I've had my life, by which I mean that I got everything I ever wanted. I'm not done enjoying it yet but I have it. I got to marry your father and I got to raise two incredible children with him. I even got Calvin back in my life and two beautiful grandbabies in the mix."

"That sounds so final Mom, so sad."

"No! No I don't mean it that way at all. What I'm saying is that I don't have anything else left to hope for or dream about except all of _you_ kids getting _your_ dreams. It's your turn, Evie, it's your time. It's your turn to figure out what your life is gonna be, what your dreams are gonna look like. They can be anything in the world you want them to be, baby girl."

"I guess that's true."

"There isn't a doubt in my mind that you can do or have or achieve anything you set your mind too Evie Grace. I just think the hardest part for you has always been figuring out what it is that you really, truly want."

"Full disclosure?" said Eve, lifting her glass and swallowing several gulps of margarita. "Thanks to my good friend tequila right here? I wasn't happy."

"No?"

"When I found out about Texas and the kiss and all the crap I was devastated. I was sad and I was hurt and I was all the things I was supposed to be. I was just also one thing I wasn't supposed to be. I was a teeny, tiny, shamefully bit…." lifting her eyes, trusting her mother implicitly, Evie sighed,"…. relieved."

"Oh sweetheart…" sighed Olivia, reaching across the table and feeling the sudden crashing effects of alcohol intensified motherhood.

"It shook me, honestly."

"I know it did."

"No, not, not the way you'd think. I mean that too. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I didn't realise how unhappy he was, how unhappy we'd both gotten. Not like super sad, not tearing each other's heads off, nothing near bad enough to just walk away for no reason. We'd have stayed, we'd have stayed together and we'd have raised the twins and it would've all been perfectly fine."

"I had no idea you felt that way…." said Olivia, but catching herself in a lie she was forced to add, "… I mean I knew that neither of you were quite yourselves when you came back from Bragg. I know that North Carolina took its toll on both of you in different ways. I think I just put it down to his getting readjusted to everything. To your being homesick and exhausted."

"I was homesick, but not really even for New York. I was homesick for the person I was here. I was homesick for you, for Dad and Sammy. I was homesick for the girl who first fell in love with Calvin Arliss: that heart stopping, head over heels, can't catch your breath love I used to feel for him."

"You don't feel that way about him anymore?" asked Olivia, hearing this truly for the first time. "Putting Texas in a box for a moment?"

"I don't think you can put Texas Mendoza in a box, Mom. She'd explode out of a cargo container."

"Well, yes, maybe you're right there…." sighed Olivia, finding herself washing with a fondness for Texas that hadn't dulled despite everything.

"But yeah, yeah even before the two of them became whatever they are now again. He wasn't really in contact with her so often down there, and I know that for fact. He didn't hide anything from me, we were totally honest with each other and I was there every time they spoke on the phone and I heard every word. I read every text she ever sent because he leaves his phone around like an idiot and he never cared an ounce if I looked. It didn't change until we came back to New York, until he saw her again."

"Did you know? Did you feel something change again then?"

"He was so down, so lost and I saw that. I knew he was battling _something_ but I didn't know it was feelings for her. The first time I saw it, the first time I knew even if I didn't admit it to myself, was that night in the bar when that guy got beat up."

"When she was arrested?"

"She did prison time for him Mom."

"Yeah, yeah she did."

"It broke his heart when she told him not to visit. That was when I knew he'd never be just her friend again, that's when I knew it wasn't just one kiss because everything was crazy and she was going to jail. When he went from down and lost to totally heartbroken. He needs her; he needs her like I've only ever seen a person need another person once before. He needs her like my Dad needs you."

"I don't think it's good to compare…."

"He's a good person. He's an incredible father. He's sweet and he's kind and he's loyal. I know that, even though he kissed her, even though he fell in love with her. If I'd asked him, if he'd begged him to stay he would've done. He's lost so many people. He'd have stayed."

"Was there no part of you that wanted to give it another chance?"

"Yeah, yeah there was. There still is, but there's a bigger part of me that knows I'd be kidding myself. I'd be bailing out a ship with a bucket. I'd be putting band aids on bullet holes. That's not the life I want for him or me. Even if I'd have been one hundred percent sure I still felt the same way about him I couldn't have done it. Not once I knew who he really wanted to spend the rest of his life with. I'm better than playing second fiddle. I deserve more than a fake marriage."

"You sure do, my girl."

"Did you talk to him? Did you speak with Cal before we left?"

"I struggled to…." said Olivia, who rarely drank and found it difficult how candid it made her, "… if I'm honest."

"I'm really sorry, that's horrid. I didn't want that, I didn't want this to come between the two of you."

"You'll understand, sweet girl. When those babies grow up and have struggles of their own, when someone hurts them, you'll know."

"But this isn't just someone we're talking about Mom it's Cal, it's _your_ Calvin. You two go back to forever, you two go back further than any of this!"

"That doesn't change the fact that he's blown a colossal hole through our family Evie. That doesn't change how hard it is to see you hurting, to see the betrayal your Dad feels, to see how confused Sammy is right now. He's changed everything for all of us and I can't help that it's taking me a moment to catch my breath."

"No, no I get that. He's still him though, to you. You know Texas; you know the two of them. I guess you know what it's like to love someone you're not really supposed to."

"Not the same Eve, don't do that. I am not Texas and your father is not Calvin. We have to move past equating the two scenarios."

"Okay fine, but you can't deny there are some similarities. You can't honestly tell me that you're able to hate either one of them for this. You love Calvin. You love him and if we're being real about this then you love Texas too."

"I think it's just going to take some time…." decided Olivia, nodding slowly and playing with the sugar rimming her cocktail glass. "I'll talk to them both. I'm not about to walk out on either of them. God knows they've both known enough loss. I just need to be with you right now, baby girl. That's where I belong until it stops feeling so raw."

"I can't hate her."

"Texas?"

"I want a life. I want a whole life. I want to start thinking about what that looks like and what I need from it. I want my kids to have their father, right there, every step of the way. I want to find a way to make this all work without anyone having to hate each other. If I've learned _anything_ these past few years it's that life is too short for that."

"I agree."

"Texas looked out for me like a sister, always. Her door was always open, birthday cards, Christmas, hell I was there through her giving Sophia up and when she had Leni. That kid is a niece to me and always has been. This is complicated. I can't just cut her out my life. I love her; she's a part of our family too."

"She is, but that doesn't make this any easier."

"I don't know how to talk to her. I don't know how to be with her at all, let alone talk about all this. How can I ever talk to her about Calvin? He's mine, was mine, we were married, we still are married. Maybe actually he was never really mine…"

"That's not true and you know it. You also know full well that she gave him up, wholly and completely, as everything but her friend. Don't rewrite history now, especially not with tequila."

"What?"

"Ignore me, this is going to my head…." lifting her glass, Olivia flushed a little self-consciously. It had been a long time since she'd had more than sip of alcohol and even a glass or two had made her quite tipsy.

"I've outpaced you at least three to one!" laughed Eve, sharing the moment of mortification. "But that's good, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't have even had one after the operation and your recovery and all that."

"I'm fine, carry on with what you were saying."

"Just that I don't really know how to move this thing forward. With Cal, with Tex, with anyone come to that. Can't we just hide out here forever, have Dad and Sammy come and bring the babies and just pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist?"

"Oh if only life was that simple, baby girl."

"I don't want to let him go, Momma. I don't want to let what we had go…." said Eve, her eyes filling, and her throat stinking as she swallowed, ".. it hurts too much."

* * *

"Mi tío Calvin!"

"Legs!" roared Calvin with genuine glee at seeing those little brown eyes looking up at him from the doorway. "Buenos días my little buddy. ¿Cómo estás?" falling to his knees, getting down to her level he marvelled at how pretty she already was, her mother's thick black lashes and bushy determined brows and perfect cupids bow lips.

"I'm sticky!" she declared, pressing her small palms either side of his face to prove the presence of some unknown substance on them.

"Oh wow, yeah, yeah that's…."

"Gross, gross is what that is! Elena you know better, what happened to my little lady, ay?"

"It's _just glue_ Mama!" she huffed, throwing her mother a withering little pout and then an impish grin. "I'm sorry…."

"Lávate las manos por favour, you little monster, and _then_ you can come and see your Uncle Cal."

"Okay! Don't go! I'll be right back!"

"I'm not going anywhere Legs, you take your time…." said Calvin, as Leni ran off with the speed of a thousand gazelles to strip the glue from her chubby fingers. "She's incredible Tex, she's your double, she's got your…."

"Careful…." said Texas, twisting the corner of her mouth in a warning smile as she ushered him into the apartment.

"Sense of fun?" he offered, laughing to himself. "Oh, yeah, and sorry if I make a puddle we're having a little extreme weather out there today."

"It's raining?" she asked, unthinking. He just stared at her, his hair dripping, his t-shirt clung tightly to him and a comical face of disbelief. They both laughed, long and loud. "Okay, okay I'm an idiot! We can move right along now! How's that shoulder doing?"

"Better, still nowhere near normal but it doesn't make me wanna rip my own head off every time the painkillers start to fade so I figure progress is being made."

"I'm glad, you look better, less pasty."

"Erm, thanks?"

"You know what I mean."

"I do."

"So you can see Leni for sure but…." moving her weight back and forth between bare feet Texas hugged her arms around her waist and tipped her head curiously, "… what brings you here?"

"I actually had something to ask you."

"You did?" she wasn't sure whether she was surprised or nervous or both. "You do?"

"I was wondering whether you would consider going on a date with me?"

"A date?"

"Yeah, you know, two people, they show up to the same place at the same time. They hang out, kind of with the general idea that they both sort of like each other and might wanna, you know, have an adult sleepover one day. A date."

"An adult sleepover? You're such a dork."

"I am a father now Ms Mendoza, I'm a reformed character."

"No you're fucking not…." she grinned, seeing the mischief in his eyes as he spoke. "Besides, I know what a date is you idiot…." she couldn't help but keep smiling, then laugh. He made her heart ache.

"So then?" he ventured, a droplet of rain falling from his hair and sliding down the side of his face. "You'll come?"

"I do sort of like you…." she teased, enjoying the moment and how fresh it felt despite all their complicated history. "Yes, yes Cal I will go on a date with you."

"Well okay then, this Thursday? That's not a day you ever have Legs, huh?"

"You do know you can't call her that forever, right?" said Texas, shaking her head with wry amusement. "I mean the poor kid has high enough odds staked against her without _that_ following her through her childhood."

"Hey me and that kid go way back and she had the fattest legs I've ever seen on a baby. CJ and Livi had _nothing_ on Leni's turkey thighs when they were born."

"They were twins, they're always smaller!"

"You free on Thursday then?" circling back he flashed her a smile, realising just how badly he wanted and needed her to agree.

"Yeah, yeah I'm free on Thursday."

"We'll just hang out, you and me, just…."

"Ven acá…"

"I'm a little rusty you're gonna have to…"

"Come here?" she echoed, glancing over her shoulder to where Leni was splashing bubbles in the bathroom sink with an open door, and holding an outstretched palm, "… dame la mano."

"What's happening right now?" he asked as Texas led him to a room off the main living space. Immediately realising it to be her bedroom he furrowed his brow, shook a curtain of overgrown hair from his eyes and puzzled, "What _is_ happening right now?"

"You're dripping on my floor. I'm fetching you a change of shirt."

"Oh, sure, thanks….." he shrugged, awkwardly using his good arm to peel off his grey t-shirt and screwing it into a ball in one hand. "But I don't think I'm gonna fit into one of your…."

"It's yours..." she confessed, turning from where she had been ferreting in a draw and brandishing an old navy t-shirt guiltily, "… it's comfy for sleeping in."

"You stole my shirt?"

"I _kept_ your shirt; you gave it me years ago."

"Humph."

"Cal I…."

"What?" he asked softly, as she stood just staring at him.

She was learning to be honest with herself, to recognize her triggers, to understand her choices and reactions. The truth of that moment was that she had known just exactly what would happen when she brought Calvin into her bedroom with the implicit purpose of him removing his shirt. The shirt that had been clung tight to his broad, densely muscled chest when he'd materialized on her doorstep. He hadn't intended to be entirely irresistible, and that only made him more so. He had never had any idea just how devastatingly attractive he was.

"You're just kinda staring at me over there Boots…."

"I still want the date and this doesn't change wanting to go slow. It doesn't change all those things I said in the hospital. I just…."

"What doesn't?" he asked, sometimes genuinely failing to decipher the cryptic ways of woman.

"This…" she swallowed, breathless, dropping the t-shirt in her hand. Running the steps between them she fell forward into him, grabbing for his face with both hands and kissing him hungrily.

He tensed for a moment, still waiting permission, and then feeling her mouth part lightly against his he relaxed. Folding her into his arms, holding her tight against his chest despite twinges of intense pain Calvin kissed her with all the fiery, aching longing he had held inside and all the gentle tenderness she deserved. Their tongues danced a new dance, but found a familiar beat, and after several long moments she felt his smile on her lips.

"It's still there, huh?" he gulped, standing back a little, his hands still at the small of her back.

"I know what we said about Evie but I just, I couldn't, it just feels **so right** Cal."

"Yeah, yeah it does."

"It's your damn fault for showing up at my door like you're in a wet tee contest."

"There's a storm, I don't control the weather!" he laughed, as she stroked at his bare chest with feather light fingertips.

"Nothing in public, nothing in front of the Stablers, okay? I know what you're gonna say, I know, but I just…."

"Public? This is New York City, babe, no one outside of the family is gonna give a crap what we're doing. They have their own bills to pay, their own drama, we're not that important."

"I don't want to feel like a whore Calvin."

"Hey, hey, no, no of course…." he soothed, instantly sorry for having been flippant, "… okay, okay we do it your way. I promise. I'll be chill."

"Chill?" she snorted, breaking the tension slightly.

"I'll be your buddy to anyone watching, but not forever okay?" he insisted. "I won't do it forever because I get what you're saying but I need you to hear me too. Hear me when I say that I'm not ashamed of you, I'm not ashamed of loving you or being with you. I'll be discrete to save people's feelings, sure, but I'm not gonna hide in the shadows like we're some dirty secret forever because that's not what this is."

"¡Ayyyyy! Por Dios what I wouldn't do to you right now if wasn't a changed woman!" throwing her head back Texas let out a dirty cackle, and then head falling back onto shoulders she looked at him sparkly eyed.

"We can wait, babe…." he said, a warm smile lighting his face as he kissed her forehead tenderly, "… we got time, remember?"

"And we've got date night Thursday, right?"

"I'll pick you up at six thirty."

"Okay then."

"Can I grab a half hour with Leni before I go? I got no place to be and I've missed her like crazy."

"You can stay as long as you like, guapo, she'd play with you forever given half the chance."

* * *

"I think I'm dying."

"You're not dying…." chuckled Olivia softly, shuffling slightly and encouraging Eve into her waiting arms.

The bed was warm, and her mother's arms warmer still. Eve rolled over, buried her face in Olivia's shoulder and inhaled the divine and familiar scent of Olivia's perfume and love. There was nowhere else in the world so completely wonderful, so safe and so secure as that.

"I feel like I am."

"Hangovers get you that way, sweet one, and oh boy are you ever oozing tequila from every pore right now…." smiled Olivia warmly as she kissed Eve's hair.

"It's over, Mom."

"What is, love?"

"All of it, everything, most of life as I've known in the past however many years…."

"Oh sweetheart…." sighing sadly Olivia stroked at Eve's hair, cuddling her a little closer and kissing at her temple. "You'll be okay. You'll survive this, trust me. I know it doesn't feel that way right now, and it might take you a long time to completely believe it but it's the truth. You will come out of this stronger than ever, and you will be a different person for it, but you'll be a better one."

"How could he just throw it all away? How could he just decide that all those years, all those memories we had meant nothing? At least not enough to stay?"

"I don't think you're asking the right questions there, sweet one. I don't think it's about Calvin thinking what the two of you had, some of which you still have by the way, means nothing. I think he just came to realise that his feelings had changed, and that it wasn't fair to stay and to lie to himself or to you."

"I know you're right, deep down, I do it's just…."

"So what happens when we get back to the city? What do you want to happen next?"

"I want to see my babies. I want to take another couple of personal days from work and just hang out with CJ and Livi. They've already said I can have until the end of next week."

"Okay, great, that's a good start. What else?"

"I want to stay at home with you and Dad, the three of us, if that's okay? Just for now? I need to figure something else out but…."

"Evie you can stay for as long as you like, forever if you want, you know that."

"I need to talk to Sammy, make sure he's okay in all of this. It must all be kind of weird for him."

"He's fine; he's stronger than you give him credit for. You're sweet, but I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Sammy will be on your side, and at your side, till the end of time Evie Grace."

"I want you to talk to Cal, Mom."

"I think it's maybe the two of _you_ that need to have a conversation when you're ready."

"Yeah, yeah I know but you gotta talk to him Mom. Really talk to him, make sure he's okay. Texas too. I mean you don't have to, not if you don't want to…." drawing away, propping herself up against her elbow Eve smiled bravely, "… but I **know** you want to."

"I…."

"Because I know you Mom. I know _just_ how much Calvin means to you. Neither one of you will be okay until you've cleared the air. I know you went to the hospital but…."

"I was a little, well, I didn't leave things in the best way."

"Will you talk to Texas too? I can't. Not right now, maybe not for a while. It's just weird, and I can't find the right words, and it's going to take some time. She's vulnerable though, right now, right?"

"It's certainly a stressful situation…."

"If she falls off the wagon, if she starts using again because this is all so intense then it's all pointless right? I mean I hate this, it sucks, it hurts like hell but if the two of them don't wind up together and happy. Well, then, it's all been for nothing hasn't it."

"I think that that's a very brave and selfless way to see it Evie."

"We have to find a way through all this. He's my kids' father and he's Cal, right? He's practically your other son. He's Sammy's best friend. He's my best friend."

"We do, you're right, you're right about all those things. You know something else though?"

"What?"

"You don't have to find a way through all this today. Baby steps, sweet girl. We'll take it one day at a time. I'll talk to them, both of them, I promise. I promise that I will hold your hand every step of the way."

"So…"

"If you're gonna barf then…."

"No!" laughed Eve, groaning herself upright and rubbing her face. "I was just gonna tell you I'm gonna get a shower and then buy you brunch."

"Oh, well, that's okay then. I gratefully accept."

* * *

"It okay if I come in?"

"How'd you get here?" puzzled Calvin, peering out of Fin's apartment doorway and looking the corridor up and down.

"I scaled a wall."

"Huh?"

"Some blonde chick from downstairs buzzed me in and rode the elevator you idiot…." snorted Sam, no longer waiting for an invitation as he elbowed Calvin out the way and wheeled into Fin's apartment.

"Well who bit your butt?" mumbled Calvin, reaching down to scoop up CJ who, now crawling, was making a bold bid for the kitchen. "Oh no, no come on little buddy there is nothing for you in there. You'll get chubby if you keep snacking."

"Snacking?" smirked Sam, amused at the constant stream of dialogue Calvin had with his twins. He spoke to them as though they were three friends in a bar sharing a beer. His two tiny humans, his two beloved nuggets.

"Livi come over here, come here and keep your brother in check. You gotta sponsor him, Big Eyes, you gotta talk him through those steps when he goes for the fridge okay?"

"Is that appropriate?" wondered Sam out loud. "Talking about food like that with kids? Won't it give them low self-esteem and body image issues?"

"The fuck?" snorted Calvin, pulling a face at Sammy. He had no clue where they were, as friends or as brothers, but it sure felt good to have him around again. "Also are you not more concerned I'm getting them familiar with addict lingo?"

"How is Texas?"

"Hey!" smarting, eyes wide and fiercely defensive Calvin's head shot up to meet with Sam's seemingly low blow.

"Oh God! Oh Jesus, buddy, no! I did _not_ mean that to come out that way. It was just a dumb as mental leap and I….." taking a breath, a beat, Sam braced his hands behind his head and sat back in his chair, "… will you just trust that I'm not a total asshole and give me the benefit of the doubt here?"

"She's fine."

"Yeah?" asked Sam, seeing how Calvin's whole body had tensed. Sighing heavily he confronted the elephant in the room, "Look, relax, okay? You don't have to have your guard up, not with me. I'm here because I miss my friend. I miss my brother."

"You do?" ignoring Livi's protests for his attention a moment Calvin looked over at Sam and the two men held a gaze.

"I do."

"Yeah, well, me too."

"You wiped my ass for me Cal."

"What?" he said, but they both knew. They both knew.

"I don't say it; in fact I don't think I've ever said it. You saved my life. After the accident, in rehab, the lifetime afterwards. You were the first person, the only person who never treated me any different. You were the same dickwad to me after I became a cripple that you were before and I couldn't have been more grateful. You threw me in a shower and wiped my ass and called me out on my self-absorbed crap when every single other friend I ever had was scared to even come visit me."

"I try to be consistent in my dickwad-ery."

"I love my sister and I hate how all this went down but you don't shake me that easy Arliss."

"Well, that's, I…." it shook Sam, to hear the choke in Calvin's voice and the emotion in his eyes, "… well that's alright then. That's just fine, isn't it."

"You got any beers in?" said Sammy, clearing his throat and returning it to its usual pitch.

"Yeah, yeah help yourself. They're Fin's, granted, but I'll square him away later."

"You want one?"

"Nah, nah I'm still pretty heavily medicated for this…." said Calvin, gesturing to his still healing shoulder, "… and besides I'm trying to be a half decent Dad if nothing else right now, you know?"

"Don't even doubt that, dude, seriously, you're the best…." setting a beer bottle down in his lap and wheeling back into the living room Sam shook his head sadly. "Don't question everything just because you and Evie are curtains. The twins still think the sun shines out of you and always will."

"Thanks, bro, for saying it."

"So when you say Tex is fine…."

"We're going on a date."

"What?" pulling a face Sam took a swig of beer puzzled.

"Sorry, I'm sorry, that's weird right. Too far? To tell you that."

"No, no it's not that, it's just not what I expected is all. I won't tell Evie don't worry. I think I can manage to be a brother to you both somehow. I just can't figure how two people who've known each other forever and done what I'd imagine to be some pretty freaky shit together over the years are suddenly back to going on a date is all?"

"I'm nervous."

"Dude it's just Texas! I mean hell I'd go on a date with her and not feel nervous. She's crazy, but she's not scary?"

"It's not _just_ Tex anymore Sammy. It's different now; the stakes are higher than they've ever been before."

"How'd you mean?"

"We're not kids anymore. We're not too drunken idiots fooling around, just surviving the day. We're adults, we've got kids and whole lives and…." pausing, wistfully plucking a piece of fluff from CJ's hair Calvin sighed, "… and tomorrow matters."

"Cal?"

"What?"

"It's Texas."

"Yeah, yeah I know…." smiling, then smiling a little wider at the thought of her Calvin nodded in understanding. "I get what you're saying."

"You are balls deep in a tonne of drama right now, bro. Pretty much everything else in your life is totally messed up, it's floating around you in the air like ticker tape at New Year's."

"You really suck a pep talks Sammy."

"My point is that the one thing that you can trust in all this? The one that that's familiar, that you can rely on?"

"Tex."

"Don't try to fix what ain't broken, dude. The two of you work, you just do, you always have. It's easy and uncomplicated and even when it isn't you stick together like glue and you get through it. Tex did prison time for you, bro, so you have no business in doubting just how much she loves you. Don't overthink it. Don't ruin it now because you feel guilty about Evie."

"I do though, feel guilty I mean. Not just about Evie but your Mom and Mr S. You too Sammy."

"Yeah well forget that, for me at least. We're buddies and we're always gonna be. I just wanna take you and show you the new place, show you the shop, get started on our business. Everything else will work itself out."

"You really think so?"

"I can get past you throwing a grenade into our family, and I mean _our_ family, and in time they all will to. For the record though, just the two of us?" said Sam, stepping outside of the situation, putting aside all the confusion and complexities and just speaking from the heart to his best friend. "However it happened, however we all got here? Tex is a good person, maybe one of the best, and she's more than her mistakes we all know that."

"Yeah, yeah she is."

"You can't start at zero with her; you can't forget all the history that got you here and I don't think you should try. It's too important, right? You know she reminds me of my Mom sometimes. Granted a little wilder maybe, a little rougher round the edges, but she's got heart Cal. She's got just about the biggest heart of any person I've ever met. Don't break it."


	28. If You Love Me Don't Let Go

"Oh wow…."

"You don't like it?" asked Texas, her face falling a thousand floors.

"It's fine, it's pretty, it's just….." casting his eyes up and down Texas' outfit, the beige high collared blouse, calf length navy skirt and the buckled shoes Calvin lost his words a minute, "… it's just not you Boots."

"Maybe it could be?"

"I guess so. Is that what you want?"

"I'm trying to be different, the kind of woman who wears this outfit. Sensible, sober…."

"Someplace between Mrs Doubtfire and a nun?"

"Cal!" she cried, stamping her practical shoe tempestuously and bracing her hands on her hips. "I am trying to change here, okay?"

"Yeah well don't, okay? You can be sober and a better version of yourself without a total fucking lobotomy Texas. Would you go put on your normal clothes, please? The leopard, the pleather, the boots…"

"Boots, huh?" she smirked, knowing just exactly how much he loved her in her battered old cowboy boots and not a lot else.

"Are you honestly telling me you're comfortable in that get up?" he tested, arching a lofted brown. "Because if you are then fine, but I'm figuring…."

"Give me five minutes?"

"I'm not going anywhere."

After a few moments Texas re-emerged from the bedroom and Calvin's face lit up with the light of a thousand suns. His cheeks ached, and his eyes sparked. Twirling for his amusement Texas had dragged on an old black skirt, hip hugging and cut somewhere mid-thigh. Her shirt was red and cut just low enough to drive Calvin wild but not low enough to be deemed entirely inappropriate. Her giant gold hoops were back, and her long hair waved wildly over her shoulders. She was wearing her boots.

"Wow….." he murmured, "… you're a fucking sensation Texas Mendoza."

"Because I'm back to dressing like a whore?" she smirked wryly, grabbing her clutch and throwing her phone and lipstick into it. "Right, I'm ready, let's go backpack boy."

"Hey, hey, you, come here…." he insisted, grabbing for her wrist and sliding his hand into hers, "… don't do that. Stop it, fucking stop it. You are damn sexy Tex but you're not a whore. I never saw you as anything other than totally fucking beautiful and it's not about the clothes. It's how you light up wearing them. How you're shamelessly you."

"Yeah, well, maybe a little more shame would've done me some good over the years."

"You know damn well that what I feel for you goes _way_ beyond skin deep."

"I…."

"That being said you always did have a great rack and a tight peach…"

"Vete a la chingada!"

"I don't…."

"And I'm not translating…." she breezed, grabbing her keys and heading for the door with her trademark swagger returned, "… and why _do_ you have a giant backpack?"

"It's dinner."

"Huh?" she puzzled, locking the door behind them and lifting a brow. "We're not going out to eat?"

"Did _you_ win the lotto?" and she laughed, deep and long, because he didn't change. "Besides, you can vete la whatever the heck you just said to me right back atcha because it's romantic. It's thoughtful, resourceful. Some girls might find it adorable actually."

"I'm not some girls, mi amor."

"I'm aware…." he grinned, because that's what made her Texas. Unthinking, just needing the connection, he grabbed for her hand as they exited the elevator.

"What's this?" she asked, lifting their joined hands as they headed out into the street. "Are we hand holders now?"

"I can keep you on a tight leash this way."

"You're a hand holder in your old age Arliss…." interlacing her fingers with his, relaxing, she added warmly, "… and I don't hate it."

* * *

"God I missed you…."

"We've only been gone three days!" laughed Olivia, feeling Elliot hug her a little tighter.

"That's a long time to be without you."

"Hmm…" she smiled, then a little wider because he smiled back. "You missed me. I missed you too."

"How was it? How is she…." and then because one directly led to another he added, "…. how are you?"

"It was good, it was nice to spend some time just the two of us. We talked a lot; some things became a little clearer and others even less so. I think she's just in a hard, hard place right now and maybe there isn't anything but time that can help that. She's got a lot of healing to do, a lot of things to figure out."

"I wish she didn't have to. I wish to God she wasn't picking up the pieces of her life all over again. We've been here before."

"This is different, El. This is totally and completely different than when she came home from California. That was rape, this is…."

"Pain is pain though, right?" shrugged Elliot and Olivia had nothing to reply. It floored her, momentarily, and she just stared at him speechless.

"Sorry, I'm sorry that was…."

"Right, you're right…." she said, inhaling slowly, then holding her breath a beat before releasing it. "I guess that I'd decided in my head that this was different but she's had her trust broken. She'll lose a little piece of herself to this like she did before."

"Hey, hey come here, come on, I didn't mean to make this all heavier for you…." he winced, grabbing for her and dragging her into another deep hug. "She'll be okay, she'll be just fine. We'll walk it out; we'll hold her up till she can stand tall on her own again. We'll get her through this, she'll be fine."

"Why did you stay?"

"Huh?" he asked, pulling away and furrowing increasingly bushy grey brows. "What?"

"I'm sorry, that's ancient history. I'm resurrecting something from the past that is better left where it is."

"You mean Kathy?" he knew just exactly where her mind had wandered, what scared him was how long it had been there. "I did, remember."

"Yeah, yeah I know…." flashing a smile, dismissing the question she added quickly, "… ignore me. Forget I said anything."

"You had Evie, you had our baby. That's a mighty powerful thing. I finally realised I couldn't live another day without you."

"Because of Evie?"

"No, no, of course…." he paused, seeing the sudden stricken expression on Olivia's face. "Hey Liv, come on? Why're you doing this?"

"I just never thought about it, maybe I refused to let myself. It all worked out in the end, right? I suppose I just turned it over in my mind these last few days after Calvin did what he did."

"You mean after Calvin did what I didn't?" he asked, a little sharp, a little defensive: wounded by her words and the intensity with which she was suddenly looking at him. Looking back at her he realised he was seeing Olivia Benson for the first time in a long time.

"I didn't say…"

"You didn't have to….." clip voiced Elliot squared his jaw, nodding slowly and realising he needed to walk away from the conversation, "… it was cripplingly implied."

"El I…." she began, as he sighed and turned to leave, "… Elliot!"

"I'm late to meet Sammy at the shop."

"Elliot come back here?"

"You know what Liv? Maybe I'm done being on the back foot."

"What?" recoiling, as he turned back around to face her from the other side of the living room "What did you say?"

"What if I asked you some questions? What I resurrected ancient history and held it against you after all these years, huh?"

"I…."

"How close did you come to never telling me Evie was my child? How close did you come to living happily ever after with David Haden and our kid with me none the wiser?"

"Elliot that…"

"So I guess what I'm saying here is that either all the time since then, all the memories, the life that we've built together is big enough to outweigh past mistakes or it's not. You're not always God damn perfect yourself Olivia and I am **done** being punished for mistakes and decisions made a hundred years ago."

* * *

"Pass me the chips?"

"Dip?" tossing her the bag of tortilla chips Calvin then held the guacamole outstretched. "It's got nothing on the one you make by the way; you should get on that anytime I wouldn't complain. Oh and your chilli, can we have a chilli night?"

"Are you just in this for my food?"

"Nope…." crunching hard on a chip, chewing it slowly, he deliberately held her gaze.

"So can I lower the tone a second?" she asked, her boots dangling off the edge of the rooftop ledge they were sat on.

She was fairly confident that Calvin hadn't entirely gained permission for them to be on the hotel rooftop. The tell had been the way they came in through the kitchen, after someone he seemed to know had let them in, and they had ascended in a good's elevator between two giant laundry carts. He had laid out their picnic dinner with care, removing her favourite snack foods one by one from his backpack and then pouring them both a glass of tepid cola. It was perfect, and she couldn't have wished for a better first date.

"Sure, what's up?"

"Someone called me today from the medical examiner's office. I'd spoken to Melinda and Fin about how we'd know when they were releasing his body and it's now, its tomorrow. I can pick it, him, whatever, up tomorrow."

"Literally?" grimacing slightly Calvin struggled to compute what she was saying. "Like where would you put him? It's been nearly a month he's gonna be kinda…."

"Calvin!"

"What?"

"Oh, you really are that stupid huh."

"Hey…."

"Not literally, babe, what I mean is that tomorrow I can make arrangements for like, well, a funeral home or a crematorium or whatever come fetch him. I'm not gonna just head on down there and throw him over my shoulder!"

"What'd we need to do? What did he want? Do you even know? I don't."

"We?"

"Yeah, yeah us Tex. Hell if you're doing this alone. Besides he was my cousin, and he'd still be here if…." lowering his eyes Calvin wrapped his fingers around his bottle of coke and wished to mercy it was a beer.

"Don't, don't go there, just don't Cal."

"He spoke about you, you know? The last time I saw him, that night."

"Oh yeah?" she asked softly, reaching to his thigh and stroking repeatedly, soothingly. She was there; she would always be there.

"He was a bad apple, rotten to the core. I won't ever forget or forgive what he did to you or how he treated you, all the times he did. He told me you were mine, always had been."

"Always will be…." she smiled, eyes sparkling in the dusk as she shrugged her shoulders acceptingly.

"Not the way he meant. I don't own you, Tex. You're not a possession, a pawn piece in a power play. It's like even when he almost got it he still missed the fucking point. I just don't want to be anything like him. He gets buried, he gets the dignity he didn't earn or deserve in death because he saved my life and then it's done."

"Hey?" she whispered, using her hands to scoot a little further down the ledge and reaching a hand to his chin. Turning his face she stroked her fingers at his jaw and asked again for his eyes, "Guapo?"

"Yeah?" he asked, lifting his gaze and staring into her wide brown eyes. It always felt like coming home.

"Te amo, Arliss. Te amo más que nadaen el mundo…." then cracking a smile, "… well, you and Leni, you're gonna have to share first place."

"I love you too Boots and I've been thinking."

"I thought I could smell burning…" she whispered, leaning in and kissing his lips softly.

"Shut up…." he replied, under his breath, his lips finding hers again.

"I don't think we can just start totally over. I don't think we can just pretend everything that we've been through together never happened, like we just met in a bar or whatever. I don't think I want to."

"I don't want to either."

"We raised each other, Tex, we just did. You knew my Mom. You're the only other person on this planet who really knew her, and who loved her like I did. You have been there, at my side, through every good, bad, and truly fucked up moment of my life. You've seen my at my very worst and you stayed. You've seen me at my very worst and you loved me anyway."

"Ditto, mi amor…." she shrugged, remembering all the times he had dragged her from the gutter, dried her out, sat with her through withdrawal, bandaged her bruises and healed her scars.

"I don't wanna date you Texas I want…."

"Cal?" she prompted, as he drifted somewhere else for a moment.

"This is it now, for me, this is a done deal. I wanna live with you. I wanna go to sleep next to you every night and wake up with you every morning. I want it all with you. I want to love you, every single day, and protect you and help you and I don't ever wanna be apart from you again. Not ever."

"It's complicated Calvin, I want those things too, truly I do. Only we both have kids with other people. I have to figure out raising Leni with Gil, you have to figure out raising the twins with Evie. You have to figure out Evie and what the hell you're gonna do there. It's not just the two of us against the world anymore, babe."

"Yeah it is."

"No, no it…."

"Yes it is…." he repeated firmly, locking her eyes, nodding slowly. "I know there's a lot of other stuff besides. Leni and CJ and Livi, we gotta do right by them. Livia and Mr S, Sammy and Evie and Gil and Fin and Nick and _everyone_ deserves the best we got to give in all this. But at the end of the day, Tex? It's you and me."

"I…."

"You're crying, did I do that? Fuck, I'm sorry…." fumbling, grabbing for her hands, shaking his head and searching her face as silent tears escaped down her cheeks Calvin waited breath baited.

"Don't be sorry."

"You okay?" he asked quietly, reaching a thumb to her cheek and wiping it clumsily. "Talk to me? What's in your head?"

"Just…."

"Okay seriously please can you at least…."

"I dreamed of this."

"Tex…."

"I fell in love with you before I even knew what that meant. I was a little girl, we were playmates, but it was already too late for any other guy. I wanted you so badly for so long and when it just got so it hurt too badly, too much, when you met Evie. I closed it off. That part of me. I put it in a box. You've opened the box again, Arliss. I'm crying because I don't know whether to laugh or cry or run like hell. I'm scared to death!"

"I know, I know you are and you have every right to be. Nothing, not one single fucking thing in your life has given you any reason to believe that good can win out; that you can trust and rely on anything or anyone or that people will stay. I get it, believe me, and I know that I've been a part of all that."

"I have lost….." the lump in her throat choking her, Texas rolled her eyes skyward and laughed nervously, "… so much, and been hurt so many times…."

"I know."

"And I'm fine, I am dealing with that. I can handle it, all of it. Just know this Cal? Losing you? This, us, me and you doing this, me opening that box and then it not working out? That is the one thing I couldn't handle. So don't, okay? Please, I am begging you, **don't**..." and then a flicker, a glimmer of hope precious and brave found her eyes and she whispered, "… unless you mean it."

"I mean it."

"Yeah?" she gulped, throwing elegance to the wind and sniffing loudly, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. "I'm gross, sorry."

"Evie and I are done. I didn't do this lightly; it wasn't something that just flipped overnight. It nearly killed me fighting it for months. I tried to run from it, hide from it, but it's no good. I need you more than you will ever know Tex. I'm in, I'm all in, over my head drowning in how fucking madly I'm in love with you and I will spend the rest of my life earning back your trust."

"You never lost my trust."

"I won't ever leave you again Tex….." he vowed, and it held weight, gravity pull, and her heart clenched, "… you have my word."

* * *

" _Hey can I just come to work with you?"_

" _Calvin you always say you're bored after ten minutes!"_

" _It's better than school"_

" _You know if you're like me then one day you're gonna look back and think that school was the most fun you ever had."_

" _Oh, you remember back that far?"_

" _Listen to you, very funny!"_

" _Olivia?"_

" _Yeah?"_

" _Do you think that my mom's dead?"_

" _No! No Calvin I don't think that…." she cried, eyes widening "… honey sit down here, come here, sit down. I am looking for her every day, and your Dad too. You don't ever remember your mom mentioning his name?"_

" _Once she said 'David' get out or I'm calling the cops."_

" _Your mom told me that he left right after you were born._

" _He stops by, but they always end up in a fight."_

" _Well, anyway, you need to go to school so you can show your parents how smart you've gotten next time you see them._

" _Nice try…" pulling a large sheet of paper from his bag Calvin brandished it proudly, "… oh wait, I made this for you yesterday in art class. It's you."_

" _Calvin it's beautiful."_

" _I even signed it…"_

" _Calvin Benson."_

" _Because you rescued me."_

"Livia?"

"Hey."

"I thought you were…."

"Can I come in?" she asked, biting on her lip and shifting her weight uneasily between feet. "I need to talk to you Calvin."

"Sure, sure come on in…." but as he gestured into Fin's apartment she took him quite by surprise. Throwing her arms around his neck and hugging tight.

"I'm so sorry I didn't come sooner."

"Hey, hey don't…." he said quietly, softly, her gentle giant cradling her in the security of his broad chest the way she had once comforted him, "… it's no biggie, don't worry."

"I have some things to say to you."

"Would it help if there was coffee?" he offered, twisting the corners of his mouth to a smile and taking the edge of the moment for her.

"That sounds good."

"It's kind of a mess in here. I had the trifecta of tiny insurgents in here this morning and I haven't really had chance to pick up after the carnage."

"The twins and…." smiling fondly Olivia cast her eyes across the sea of toys and then asked, "… and Leni?"

"Yeah, yeah she's the worst, she's the ring leader, she's her mother's…." hesitating, not entirely sure where anything or anyone stood anymore Calvin swallowed, "… double."

"Calvin I'm sorry, I'm sorry that you were going through such a tough time and I didn't see it. I'm sorry that you were battling with how you felt about Texas and Evie and you couldn't talk to me."

"Like you said she's your daughter."

"And she will always be but that doesn't mean that I care any less about you. I love you Calvin and I don't want anything to change between us. I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me, like you have to hide anything, to protect me from any of this. Protect Evie, sure, but I want you to be completely honest with me."

"I always am, Livia."

"Texas?"

"What about her?" he asked, handing Olivia a cup of coffee and wondering where to start.

"Texas?" asked Olivia again, the steam from the mug at her lips warming her face along with the smile of pure joy and complete contentment that befell Calvin's face.

"Yeah, yeah Texas."

"I'm happy for you, both of you…." she husked, her eyes tearing lightly, "… from the bottom of my heart, sweetheart."

"There's a lot of noise. There's so much, just, so much. Everything feels up in the air, everything feels completely out of control and uncertain. Apart from her, apart from me and her."

"Yeah?"

"I don't know how we got here. I don't know why it took us so long to get here. I just know that we're here. We're here and it feels right. She's a part of me, Livia, and I'm a part of her. It's not perfect, it's so damn far from that, it's just about the least shiny or perfect thing. It's messy and it's complicated and it's fucking hard…." gulping his coffee, looking at Olivia, trusting her, he shrugged, "… but we need each other."

"Calvin you are just about the kindest, most selfless and completely straightforward person I have ever known. You find yourself in the most complicated situations but you never have been, you're uncomplicated. If you're standing there telling me you're in love with Texas, the two of you are meant to be, that you need each other. I'm listening. I'm hearing you."

"I tried to be honest, I needed to be honest…." he stumbled, "…and that hurt people."

"Yes, yes it did."

"I know that Sammy's cool, Mr S is angry and Evie…."

"Just needs some more time."

"And you?" he dared, setting his cup down on the side and waiting. It felt, just for a second, as though the world continuing to turn hung on whatever she was about to say.

"Me?"

"Can you forgive me?" he shrugged, his eyebrows furrowed deep over a suddenly little boy lost expression. He needed Texas, but he needed Olivia too and she saw just how much in that moment.

"What are you planning on doing now? Next? What's going to happen now?" clearing her throat, finishing her coffee and setting the empty mug down beside his Olivia folded her arms and looked expectantly at him.

"I…."

"Talk me through it."

"I'm giving my all to the car shop with Sammy. I'll put in all the hours it takes to get us off the ground. I'm a good mechanic and I'll work hard. I'll talk to Evie, when she's ready. I'll work around her job, her career, sharing the kids. I'll do everything in my power to give them the best possible life."

"And Texas?" pushed Olivia, her heart clenched. Remembering that freefall, that silence after the bombs went off, that breath baited moment waiting to see if the foundations would support reality. "What about the two of you?"

"We're gonna bury Johnny tomorrow. We're gonna do it together, just me and her."

"Okay…." it wasn't entirely the answer she had imagined, but in truth she had no idea what she had expected he would say.

"I'm gonna love her, Livia."

"Yeah?"

"She needs to trust that the ceiling won't cave in, and the floor won't fall through. She doesn't want much, she never has. She never dreamed of anything bigger, anything more than being safe and being loved and having a family. I'm gonna give her all those things. I'm gonna love Tex like no other fucker has ever loved her, and I'm never gonna let go."

"The answer is no, Cal."

"No?"

"I can't forgive you."

"Right, yeah, that's…." chewing his cheek, looking away, he nodded slowly.

"Because there's nothing to forgive…." whispered Olivia, deep brown eyes wide and adoring as she dipped her gaze to find his, "… not the way I see it."

"I broke your daughter's heart."

"And that is hard, and painful, and complicated and something we're all just gonna have to try to deal with. I just can't hate you for it Calvin. I can't punish you for changed feelings, for growing up, for something you had no power to control. You were honest, you did what you could, you did all you could. You didn't make Evie a fool, and you didn't make Texas an affair. That took courage, sweetheart."

"I thought I was gonna lose you…."

"Calvin?" she said, reaching her hands to his wide shoulders and giving them an affirming shake. "Never, you hear me?"

"Are you okay?" he asked suddenly, catching something behind her eyes.

"Me? Yeah, yeah I'm fine…."

"You're not fine…." he replied simply.

"I…" thrown, caught out, she floundered a moment just staring at him and moving her mouth in wordless shapes.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…." then falling quiet, he motioned with his hands, "… come on, come here, let's hug it out. You taught me that."

"I did?" she laughed, tears coming hot and unrelenting the moment her face hit the familiar warmth of his t-shirt. He folded her into his arms and held on tight. He would protect her, he vowed, to the ends of the earth: the way he couldn't protect Vivian.

"Okay, so come on, who made you cry?" he was joking, but there was an undercurrent of deadly intent. "Who needs taking care of?"

"Oh God, no! I'm so embarrassed…." she flushed, pulling away and dabbing at her eyes with her fingers mortified.

"You will never even come close to realising how much you mean to me…." he said, the weight of his words taking her breath away, "…. and I'll go to bat for you every fucking time Livia you know that."

"And I love you very much for that….." calmer now, regathering her composure she smiled wryly "… just please don't hit anyone with it."

"With what?"

"The bat."

"What bat?"

"The….." laughing, inside and then out loud she fell in love with him all over again, "… never mind."

"You hungry?" he said.

"Yeah, yeah I could eat."

"Then lunch is on me…." he decided, grabbing his cell phone and keys and gesturing toward the door.


	29. Can I Handle The Seasons Of My Life

"I hope it's okay that I came?"

"My door is always open for you and yours, cheekbones…." smiled Fin dotingly, handing Olivia a glass of water and sitting beside her on his couch, "… always has been."

"Yeah, well, it's very much appreciated."

"You realise that Elliot Stabler has been making you cry for four decades now?"

"Fin!" she cried, a little horrified, but in her dark shadows she found herself smiling.

"I'm not kidding, he owes me billable hours."

"Oh come on you're not being fair…." she tutted, rolling her eyes dismissively, "… and I'm not crying."

"I sat with you right on this very couch when baby girl was no bigger than a bag of carrots. We talked about you and Stabler and what happened next and you remember what I said?"

"Run? Fast?" she quipped drily, knowing him painfully well, knowing that defending Elliot too staunchly to him would never stick. "Fin you don't have to remind me that you've always had your reservations about Elliot, any more than I have to tell you that we reached a point where we all got along just fine years ago. Don't be difficult."

"Your boy's got balls, huh?" said Fin, and she knew just exactly what he was writing between the lines.

"Calvin?"

"I should want to break his neck for doing that to baby girl and somehow I've wound up wanting to shake the guy's hand. What's with that, huh? That's all shades of messed up. I can't iron it straight in my mind."

"I think that everything has always been a little more complicated where Cal's concerned."

"The lights are back on behind Tex's eyes, that's for damn sure."

"I need to speak with her. I need to make sure she knows this isn't her fault. I know she'll take it on, she'll blame herself."

"She carries the world heavier than you do and that's saying something. She does that thing you do. Feeling other people's pain like it's your own."

"You're pretty fond of her, huh?" smiled Olivia warmly. Fin didn't fall hard for many people, but when he did they were locked forever in his heart.

"I've been Team Evie since that girl took her first breath but I hope she's got the good grace to let me love them both too. Her mother would have."

"You give me too much credit…." said Olivia, her eyes wide and loving as she looked over at him, "… you always have."

"You're my best friend, cheekbones. Even Melinda knows not to mess with that."

"And you're the best friend I ever had, or could ever wish for. I probably don't say that as often as I should Odafin."

"So come on then, the suspense is killing me. What emotional door did Stabler put his fist through this time?"

"I started it."

"Is that relevant? Are we in preschool?" said Fin unflinchingly. His patience waned with age and he no longer held onto that one shred of desire to filter his words for politics' sake.

"I asked him if he'd have ever left Kathy for me if I hadn't have gotten pregnant with Evie."

"Nope."

"What?"

"You knew the answer before you asked, that's what pissed him off right?" shrugged Fin. "What'd he say?"

"He asked me if how close I'd come to keeping Eve's paternity secret and raising her with Haden."

"So basically after however many decades of marriage the two of you are still just tearing lumps out of each other arguing chicken and egg?"

"Well I, no, not….." stumbling for a minute and then sighing heavily Olivia closed her eyes, "… yeah basically. I'm embarrassed now."

"It makes sense this would all come back up for you after what's happened with Evie."

"It's stupid, I know that. Calvin isn't Elliot."

"No, no he _is not….."_ pronounced Fin, his eyes widening emphatically as he sucked in a breath.

"Stop it."

"Liv what does it matter? Really? How close you came to not telling him and moving away from New York with Haden? Whether he'd have had the balls to leave Kathy if you hadn't had his kid? Does it make any difference now? You could play that game forever and it wouldn't change anything."

"I know, I know you're right. I guess you could just call it my Achilles Heel. My rational mind knows it's a waste of energy but…."

"What if you'd gotten sick and never gone to that ball? Never schtupped Stabler in the elevator?"

"Wow, okay well…"

"You can play it with other people's lives. What if Amanda hadn't died, would Mel and I have gotten back together? What if Gil hadn't run scared of Tex and her demons, would Calvin have ever realised he was in love with her? What if Evie had stayed in New York instead of taking the job in San Francisco…."

"That's a little close to the bone."

"Doesn't make it any less true."

"No, not it doesn't."

"What if Johnny Arliss had never gotten himself arrested and had his kid cousin come fetch him from the 1-6?"

"I'd never have found him again and he'd never have met Evie."

"We make choices, good and bad, every day Liv. We do the right thing, what we feel in our gut, our head, our heart, whatever, every damn day. You can't start picking and choosing which actions and reactions you play God with and question once they're done. Were you scared to get hurt again so you didn't tell him Eve was his? Or were you partly just punishing him for not being willing to commit?"

"Yeah, no, you're right, let's not ask questions."

"He had a family, he had three hundred kids already with a woman he was trying his best to do right by. He had responsibility and Catholic guilt up to his eyeballs, he had Daddy issues, Mommy issues, and he was so old school it was prehistoric. Maybe he should've dropped Kathy and the kids like hot coals the second he realised he was in love with you but he didn't. I don't see that as him loving you any less; he just handled it badly is all."

"Did you just defend Elliot?" she smirked, but it became a genuine smile when he didn't fire back an instant defence of deflective quip.

"Life is too damn short, Liv. The man is totally and completely in love with you, whatever else is true it can't and it won't change that. Don't damage what you've got, don't lessen everything you've worked to build together by asking questions that make no difference now."

* * *

"I lost you."

"I'm here."

"How come?" asked Calvin, draping his arms over the open window of his truck and pulling a confused expression. "You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah I…." she was sat on the backseat, her shoes off and her long tan legs kicked up on the seat. The uncharacteristically demure black shift dress she had worn for the memorial service was now hitched thigh high and he struggled not to notice.

"S'up Boots?" he smiled, concerned, tiling his head and waiting with patient warmth. They had parked the car in an old abandoned lot miles from anywhere, and a long walk from the suburban funeral home in their old neighbourhood.

"Couple of the guys had a flask they were passing around, and a couple of goodie bags…." she swallowed slowly, nodding her head and eyes to the space outside the truck behind his shoulders, "… so I gave myself an enforced time out."

"Enforced?" he puzzled, brows furrowed as he turned around and ran his gaze over the sidewalk. Seeing his car keys tossed there he closed his eyes and took a steading breath before turning back to the window. "You locked yourself in my truck?"

"It was pretty intense back there…" she shrugged, biting lightly on her lip and trusting him with the honest truth, "… so I just needed to not be able to make a mistake. That's all."

"Tex there's no one for miles around. How were you gonna pee if I got caught up back there? What if…."

"Yeah well it wasn't a well thought out plan, okay?" she snapped, and then laughed a little to herself. "I just needed to not fuck up and get faded. Can you maybe be a little less judgy on my strategy for that please?"

"Can you maybe have your strategy next time be to come get me? To find me and let me help you?"

"Oh, yeah, I…." she was too used to dealing with life alone, it hadn't honestly crossed her mind.

"Hey, scoot your feet over let me sit down…" he decided, unlocking the car door and jumping up into the backseat beside her. Sighing heavily he sank back into the battered cushion and loosened his tie with relief, unbuttoning the top of his shirt and tipping his head back, eyes closed. "Jesus am I glad that's over."

"I hate to tell you, but I'm not so sure Jesús, nuestro Señor was at that particular funeral, guapo."

"Nah, nah probably not…." smirked Calvin, his head falling to the right and an open palm following suit. She smiled back, reaching for his hand and holding it gently. "You hangin' in there?"

"I had his baby, Cal."

"Yup, yeah, fucked up right?" he laughed mordantly, heaving another sigh. "You having some feelings about that?"

"Having some feelings? You're a regular Dr Phil when you want to be…" she teased, crawling closer to him and leaning forward to kiss his cheek. "I'm fine."

"Why do people do that? It just takes longer this way. You're not fine, you know you're not fine, and I know you're not fine. Can we just move along to the part where we talk about it?"

"What do you want me to say, mi amor?" she said quietly, and sensing she needed his closeness Calvin opened up his chest and let her curl up into it. "It was very grey for me with him. I know you and Livia see black and white but I didn't. I lost any ability to tell the difference between what was him loving me and what was…."

"Rape?" said Calvin flatly.

"He was our family, Cal. For a long, long time he showed up for me and you when no one else did. He protected us; he was there for birthdays and Thanksgiving and Christmas. He was a monster; I know that, I'm not a total fool. It's just grey for me, that's all. I had a daughter with the guy, right?"

"Yeah, yeah and it's still the bravest fucking thing I've seen a person do for another person; the way you gave Sophia up to keep her away from him."

"Do you remember when you were starting quarterback at the state semi-final?" she asked, stroking a hand absentmindedly at his chest and playing with the buttons of his shirt. "We all came to watch. Viv, Johnny, whatever girl he was seeing at that point and me. Your mom got messed up and started yelling 'that's my boy, that's my beautiful baby boy!' so loud in the stands the cheer stopped. Literally those girls turned right around to the drunk hollering in the stands."

"My mother, ladies and gentleman…." groaned Calvin. He wished he could remember Vivian at her best, beautiful and alive. Somehow, however, she was always just sad, lonely, drunk and then finally a drug addled corpse.

"Johnny took her out, just threw her over his shoulder and freakin' evacuated her. He was so mad he missed the game but he did that for you Cal. He did a lot of stuff that was bad for you, but he did some good along the way."

"I mean he fucking took the bullet that killed him for me."

"Yeah, and you're allowed to have some feelings about that…." she said, turning her head into him and pressing a kiss against his chest.

"You know what I remember about that Friday?" he asked, and she could hear his heart quicken its beat against her cheek. "Losing the game and not giving a crap. Everyone was screaming, running around like crazy, and I just stood there looking up into the crowd. Looking for you."

"I was there."

"You were always there."

"Huh."

"We left them all to their partying and we got the hell out of there. We took my truck through the Wendy's drive through for food and then we just headed out to the middle of nowhere and we lay on the warm hood and…"

"Got totally wasted?" she offered, elbowing him in the stomach as she leveraged herself to an upright sit.

"We got a little drunk, Tex, don't be so fucking dramatic. We were kids; we were still just kids then."

"I remember some other things we did that night…." she murmured, her eyes on his lips, longing, refusing to look up.

"Yeah, yeah that part was a little less PG, granted."

"Cal…." as she swallowed slowly he watched her neck move, felt his fingers drift slowly along her calf, stroking a tingle at her thigh and then playing with the hem of her dress.

"Me too."

"You don't know what I was gonna say?" she tested, still holding her eyes locked downward. She couldn't look at him, because he'd know, he'd see clean through her.

"You don't need to say it…." he rasped gutturally, because he felt it, he felt it not only in the very visible tension in his pants but in the way his soul ached for her. "Sorry, God, I'm sorry I…."

"Don't…." she said quickly, her index finger flying up to cover his mouth and her eyes finally surrendering to his, "… don't apologise."

"I'm just gonna go take a walk and…." shifting in his seat, the agony of wanting her becoming unbearable Calvin grabbed for the door handle.

"The hell you are…." she whispered hotly, pinning his good shoulder with one hand and running the other through his hair. Her dress ripped clean up one side as she threw a leg over him, straddling him, her chest heaving with desire as she held her lips a breath's width from his.

"Tex…." he managed, barely, deliberately keeping his hands on the seat at either side of him.

"I will never regret loving you, in thought or in deed Arliss….." she swore, holding his eyes and finding a breathless smile, "… and I can't wait any longer."

"You sure?" he strained, hanging by a thread.

"Quiero hacerte el amor…." translated easily by the heat of her kiss, and the sound of her hand releasing his belt buckle.

"Texas are you **sure** , babe?" he asked, his hand at her face, "Are you sure?"

"I've never been more certain of anything in my life…." she replied simply, and they were the final words spoken as he grabbed at her waist and drew her tight into him.

* * *

"You didn't feel like sharing your truth today?"

"I don't think I'll ever feel like _sharing my truth_ …" said Texas, wide eyed and disparaging, "… even saying it makes me want to share my lunch."

"You were called by name…." said Olivia, pouring some dubious looking coffee into a polystyrene cup at the back of the community centre, "… they clearly want to hear from you."

"I come here every week. I listen respectfully to other people's testimonies and I don't drink or do drugs. I don't need to talk about my feelings with a bunch of strangers."

"Tex…."

"Olivia what are you doing here?" asked Texas, a little guarded, maybe a little more hostile that she had intended to be. "I'm sorry, that sounded harsh. I suppose I'm just surprised to see you is all, let alone here."

"I asked Calvin where I could find you and he told me."

"Of course he did…." of course had had answered literally, for that exact point in time, she smiled inwardly to herself.

"I wanted to talk to you Texas. If that's okay? Do you have some time?" asked Olivia, readjusting her purse on her shoulder and looking hopefully at the younger woman. "It would mean a lot."

"Yeah, yeah no worries, we can go somewhere. There's a coffee shop down the street?"

"That sounds perfect because this…." raising her cup, and widening her eyes with a wry smirk Olivia shook her head, "… this is not coffee."

"Come on, let's go…." said Texas, waving cordially to the facilitator of the Narcotics Anonymous meeting and nodding dutifully to their suggestion that they would see one another again next week.

"Can I get you a pastry? A brownie or…."

"Olivia you can't get me a thing, these are on me. I desecrated your family, you're not about to start buying me baked goods."

"You didn't….." hesitating, seeing Texas' self-deprecating eyebrow arch Olivia conceded, "… well, then, thank you. That's kind."

"I can imagine my name is mud in the Stabler household, and with good reason. I didn't think you'd ever want to see me again, let alone sit and have coffee together."

"Then you underestimated me…." said Olivia with a calm confidence, deliberately holding Texas' eyes, "… but you'll learn."

"I…." for a rare moment Texas was left entirely speechless.

"I've wanted to check on you sooner. Don't think I wasn't thinking about you this whole time. I just had some things I needed to take care of first. Evie is my daughter, you understand that, you can understand that right?"

"I don't know that I'd have had your presence of mind if someone did to Leni what Cal and I have done to Eve. No judgement here, none at all."

"I really just think that we all need to stop talking about Evie as a victim here. I don't think that the references to her as a passive bystander in her own life are helpful, honestly. I also don't like the idea that we're placing all this blame, this anger and, whatever the hell we're calling it, and yours and Cal's door."

"How's she doing?" asked Texas.

Olivia took a moment, a brief second, just to appreciate how well Texas looked. She'd gained a little weight back, her face had lost its gaunt greyness and her eyes were back to warm brown from the hardened black they'd been for a while. Her hair was pulled off her face, and though she wore her usual heavy kohl liner and thick black lashes her face was a natural tan. She looked alive again, from the ghost she had become in jail.

"She's been better, but she'll be fine. Actually she'll be better than fine, she'll be great. Once she's figured out what comes next she'll go after it with both hands, she will. I think that she's just going to need to take a little time is all."

"Time is good. It's, you know, like a healer or whatever. They say that right? That's a thing people say."

"I didn't really come here to talk about Evie though. I'm more interested right here, right now, in how you're doing in all of this. You and Calvin are together? You're…."

"We're something."

"And you're happy?" slurping her coffee, Olivia allowed the question to just sit, ruminate, dwell in the air between them.

"I think I might be just about the happiest I've been in my whole life…." confessed Texas, sat cross legged on her chair, both hands hugged around her coffee mug, "…. and honestly that scares me to death."

"Yeah, yeah I remember that…." laughed Olivia, feeling her stomach flip flop. "In my experience the only thing harder than sitting and waiting, wanting, picturing what could be and what would be if only you could be with him? Is it happening. I don't know about you Tex, but for me getting what I'd wanted for so long came as an awful shock to the system."

"Yeah, yeah that."

"I know you didn't want to talk to your group but…."

"Why now? Why'd he decide now that he's in love with me? Why is now suddenly a great time to leave Evie and commit to being with me? I've known him forever. He's had so many opportunities. What changed? _Did_ it change, really, and like…."

"What if he changes his mind?" offered Olivia, tilting her head and giving Texas a look of empathy. "And do you even have a right to be happy? I mean you getting what you wanted made so many other people miserable, right? It was a wrecking ball."

"You really _do_ get it, huh?" with a nervous, self-conscious chuckle Texas rolled her eyes. "You and Elliot always seem so solid, so eternal. I do know your past, it's just really hard to picture if you weren't there. I mean Elliot and Olivia, right? You're like the cheese and wine of relationships."

"Cheese and wine?"

"Yeah, like, things that go together. You can be vodka and a line of coke if you'd prefer…."

"Nope! No I'll stick to the original metaphor…." laughing, a little thrown, a little liberated by Texas' unrelenting honesty and openness. "We weren't always that way, sweetheart. Nothing is perfect, nothing and no one Tex. I was there, right where you are. All the doubt, all the guilt, all the questions and the struggle to trust it. To believe in it, now it was finally tangible. Don't let it throw you off, don't let it get under your skin."

"I know, I get it, I…."

"You know why?" then not waiting for an answer Olivia continued, "Because Calvin Arliss is just about the most honest, sincere, and completely kind soul I have ever known. Trust him, Texas. Trust your heart over your head on this one and don't let voices of doubt screw it up. Not it and not your sobriety."

"I'm working the steps. I'm going to meetings. I'm clean and sober, don't worry."

"I think we both know just how much Calvin stood to lose being honest with Eve the way he was. I was there, I saw the aftershocks. It wasn't the shooting, it was before that. It wasn't just a knee jerk reaction to trauma. He thought about it, he thought on it long and hard and it wasn't easy. You've seen him the past few months the same way I have, right?"

"The brooding…." though her tone and expression was teasing, Olivia knew Texas felt it all deeply, ".. all the brooding."

"He wasn't pushed Texas he jumped. He jumped…." suddenly Olivia felt tears in her eyes and a catch in her voice as she swallowed, "… and you have to catch him, sweetheart."

* * *

"What's this?"

"Are you serious?" asked Texas, sat cross legged on a work bench helping Calvin take inventory at the car shop. "Guapo if you don't know that that's a socket wrench then this whole venture here is fucked."

"En español smart ass….." he groaned, rolling his eyes as he set down the tools in his hand and wandered over to her.

"Sorry…" she grinned, laughing to herself as he moved to stand in front of her, his hands on her thighs, "…llave de tubo."

"Will you teach the twins Spanish?" he asked, falling forward and nuzzling at her neck just because he could. He needed closeness, she noticed, uncomplaining.

"I, sure, I guess..." it was hard to keep a straight thought and she melted at his touch, smiling as his hands held her face and kissing her lovingly.

"It's cool, right? The way Leni can just switch between the two like you can. I want that for the twins too."

"I mean I don't know how realistic that is, babe. Gil and Nick have always spoken Spanish with Leni the same way I have. That's three native tongues she's had babbling at her."

"CJ and Livi have you though right? And I used to be pretty hot on the lingo when we were younger. You can teach me too."

"Sure, sure I can try."

"What?" he asked, grabbing for her waist as she uncurled her legs from beneath her and dangled them off the workbench, straddling his hips. "What's the face for?"

"I'm just not so sure Evie is gonna be thrilled with me interfering in their raising is all."

"It's not inferring Tex you're their stepmom now."

"¡Ay! hang on a minute there….." she said, snatching her head back, eyes a little wide. "What?"

"What?" he echoed, a casual shrug. "I mean you don't have to label it if you don't want. I know that Evie's their mom, of course, of course she is and she and I get final say and veto power or whatever, sure. We're us though, now. You're with me and I'm with you and that's not going anywhere; not ever. So you're gonna be part of raising my kids too, right?"

"I…." she said, the word slowing, the room losing focus until she could only see him, him his eyes and all their love and kindness. Olivia's words came back to her, he had jumped, and she needed to catch him now.

"Tex?"

"Don't you dare tell Leni you've had a promotion until I've talked this through with Gil…." she replied, and he smiled because he knew this meant she was as in this as he was, "… that kid has a big mouth."

"I wonder where she gets that from."

"You shouldn't teach _any_ of the Spanish I used to teach you to a child…." she cautioned, her eyes alive with mischief, "… that's the first lesson."

"Oh yeah? Texas you're…." he murmured, just marvelling at her for a moment as he nuzzled his nose against hers and stroked at the small of her back, "… you're fucking something is what you are."

"I'm trouble is what I am, Arliss. I've been getting you into trouble and encouraging your crazy for as long as I can remember. What makes you think I won't still do that now we're playing house for real?"

"Oh I'm _counting_ on it Boots…." he smirked, leaning in for a longer kiss.

"Sammy? Sam you here? I got the drawings worked up for the signage you want out…." stopping so quickly in her tracks she fell over her own feet, Eve staggered through the doorway.

"Fucking-A!" exclaimed Calvin, as in her hasty commotion to rappel him Texas dislodged a hammer from the workbench and it struck his foot at an agonizing angle.

"Oh God I'm sorry! I'll come back later!"

"Evie? Evie!" called Calvin, looking to the door and then back at Texas.

"Go after her, go, go on!" she nodded quickly, holding fingers against lips that felt guiltily swollen with his kisses in the stark light of Eve's horrified expression.

"Hey? Tex?" he said quickly, waiting for her eyes. "No shame, no regrets. Hold your head up."

"I love you…" she mouthed, nodding encouragingly toward the door and finding her smile again.

* * *

"Evie wait, please?"

"I'm not…." angry, judgemental, just hurt, she wanted to say but lost her words in light of being so close to him for the first time in what felt like forever.

"Can we just talk, please? Just for a second?" he asked quietly, nervously. "I hate this."

"I…"

"I know, I know what you're gonna say. It's my fault, I get that. I created this, so it's my punishment now to…."

"I hate it too…." she cut in, swallowing timidly, "… was all I was gonna say."

"I spent so many years doing whatever it took to protect and take care of you and it never crossed my mind that I'd be the one you'd need protecting from. I mean it crossed your Dad's mind but…"

"Don't, don't do that. You never set out to hurt me and I know that. I believe it, truly I do."

"Well that's a start…." he nodded, not wanting to smile, but feeling it inside.

"I'm sorry that I've been hiding from it all. I'm sorry that I ran away from the hospital and…"

"Evie you've not got a damn thing to be sorry about. You do whatever you gotta do, I swear to God I wouldn't judge you if you wanted nothing more to do with me."

"I love you, Calvin."

"I love you too…." he said carefully, hesitating a moment before lifting his eyes to hers and shrugging, "…and I'm sorry that it stopped being the way it used to be, the way you wanted and need it to be."

"We can do this, we can. I know we can. I don't want to lose you completely…." she choked, crying the tears she'd vowed not to let him see, "… that really would break me."

"You won't, Bambi."

"Don't call me that, please?" she said hurriedly, as though his words had physically slapped her, had stung. "It hurts now."

"Sure, sure okay, I won't."

"I think it's going to take some more time, before I can do this….." she hiccoughed, "… but I **can** do this and I promise I will."

"For the nuggets, huh?" he acknowledged, but still looking at him she shook her head.

"For all of us, Cal. For the twins, my Mom, for Sammy, and for the two of us, right? It hurts like hell right now and it will for a long time but I have to try. I have to try and learn to live with all this because you're my family. You're too important to me."

"I'll do whatever you want, whatever you need….." he vowed, his gaze intense and honest. She trusted him, even now.

"Thank you."

"The fucking least I could do, Evie."

"Will you do something for me now?"

"Sure, anything?"

"My Mom wants to take the twins to this pre-school concert thing they're doing in the Park next week. My Dad is tied up because Kathy and his kids are in town and I don't want her going with them on her own. I know she's getting stronger every day, but I'll worry still."

"You can't go with her?"

"I have to work. I've had so much time off and I'm so new there still…."

"You want me to go?"

"Yeah, yeah and I was thinking that maybe Texas and Leni might enjoy it too?"

"I dunno Evie…."

"Would you please ask her if she'd like to go? The three of you? I've already spoken to my Mom."

"Of course you have..." he smiled, then widening it to a grin he remembered all the things that made Evie Stabler an incredible woman. "And you'd be cool with that? Honestly?"

"I can't be a part of….." not wanting to talk about it, clamming up, shutting down, Evie just gestured toward the open shop doorway and then flashed a brave smile, "… not yet at least, but like I said you're family. Both of you."

"You're kind of a badass Evie Arliss."

"Stabler."

"Right…." it was the closest she had seen him come in a long time to flushing embarrassment and she felt bad for it.

"I'm sorry, that wasn't a dig. I'm just, sort of, trying some things on for size, making some changes of my own. It sort of felt like a good idea to…."

"You don't have to explain a thing to me. I get it. Like I said…." shrugging, a little choked, Calvin nodded, "… whatever helps. I fucked it, so it's the least I can do."

"You didn't fu…." standing tall, pulling her shoulders back Evie stopped mid-sentence and composed herself, "… say hi to Texas for me. Tell her everything is fine."

"And is it?"

"It will be."


	30. We're Holding On And Letting Go

_**Just a quick hello, thank you, and note to those still reading this. I realise it has been a long and winding road, and that from reading quite a few comments lately not all of you are happy with the direction that the story has gone in. I am sorry for that, because you have been such a loyal group or readers and reviewers and I am truly grateful that you have taken the time to not only read my stuff but also to be invested enough to form an opinion on it.**_

 _ **I am struggling a little now, however, to know how to end this. The end is coming, before long, and I feel like I know what it looks like and have for a while. I suppose I am just wanting to see whether there are still some of you out there who are reading and wanting to keep reading to a conclusion? I am trying to find my muse to really finish the story and do it justice, but I suppose I'm now feeling a little stage fright!**_

 _ **Many, many thanks again as always for your having read, or continuing to read my story J**_

* * *

"We're in a fight."

"You are?" asked Olivia, as she watched Texas throw a withering glare at Calvin and him roll his eyes at her in return.

"Tex is just having a moment is all."

"A moment? Really?" snapped Texas hotly, eyes alive, "Oh you really wanna go another round with me Arliss because I got more. I got more in the tank and…."

"Could we maybe stick a pin in whatever this is?" breezed Olivia cheerily, as Leni ran back from the ice cream van a yard away and presented her cone.

"Oh we don't fight in front of little ears…." said Calvin with a calm confidence, "…. she's made that an art form, haven't you Boots?"

"I hate you…." she mouthed, over Leni's head, but it amused Olivia to see how the opposite emotion oozed from Texas' every pore as she looked at Calvin.

"You don't seem worried?" said Olivia, as the group strolled toward the stage across the grass. Leni ran ahead, with Texas hot in pursuit. Olivia pushed the twins and Calvin ambled along beside her.

"I'm not…" shrugged Calvin, with a warm smile of relaxed confidence, "… we've been playing this game for years."

"She seems pretty pissed?"

"She's just hot headed, she's got the quickest temper of anyone I've ever known but it's harmless…." twisting his mouth, his eyes devastatingly alive, he smirked, "… mostly"

"Cal…"

"If she meant it I'd know. This is just dramatics."

"Is that right?" nodded Olivia, and it struck home for the first time in a long time that these were two souls who knew each other intimately. It was strange to her, to be witnessing something so new, and yet so timeless at the same time.

"It's quiet Tex you wanna watch…." said Calvin with a matter of fact shrug, "… that's when she's in trouble."

"Where'd you guys wanna sit?" asked Texas, holding one hand to shade her eyes and the other braced on a hip. Leni mirrored her, and Calvin's heart ached to see it.

"You seen her?" he asked, nodding his head at Leni and Texas looked down at her daughter. "Legs are you copying your mama?"

"I wanna be just like her when I'm a lady!" declared Leni unreservedly, pirouetting around so that her little pink skirt flared out and then popped a hip, replacing her hands on both sides. "¡Órale!"

"Okay little lady, I think that right over here is a great spot. Will you come and help me set out the blanket so we can all sit down?" asked Olivia, beckoning for Leni as Texas stood frozen to the spot.

"Cal?" trying hard not to listen but seeing the two out the corner of her eye Olivia watched Calvin walk to her, and Texas grab for his forearm and hold his wrist.

"I'm sorry I was a bitch before, it was a stupid thing to fight over and I'm sorry."

"Nah, nah I wound you up and you were right anyways."

"¿Me amas?" she whispered, as his hand found hers and squeezed it tight.

"I love you, you idiot…." replied Calvin quietly, but just loud enough for Olivia to catch on the breeze and smile. Leni unpacked some of her toys, and began teaching Olivia the rules of her game.

"I don't want Leni to be anything like me Cal. I am _**not**_ a lady…."

"You're my lady…" he murmured, so genuine, so real, so earnest in his sincerity. "Besides it's just hard luck, Tex….." he shrugged, the corner of his mouth twisting to a determined grin, "… because I want her to turn out _just_ like you."

* * *

"You're quiet, baby girl, what's going on in that pretty head of yours?"

"Nothing…." said Eve quietly, her feet curled up under her on Fin's sofa, managing a faint smile, "… everything."

"Evie…"

"Sammy its fine, I'm fine. Well, I mean, I'm not fine. You just don't have to worry is all. I'm keeping my head above water."

"You both always did have your mother's fight in you…." acknowledged Fin proudly, with relief that the two of them would always survive. He saw them as his own, after so many years, and his home would always be open to them as theirs.

"I guess I just can't help but start to think about what happens next. I mean what do people do now? You cry, you sit in your pyjamas, you eat your weight in ice cream or whatever. I've never really been a drinker, I don't smoke. I'm running more, I'm focusing on work, I'm doing all the things you're supposed to do but how'd I know if it's working? How do you measure success in this situation?"

"Ladies and gentleman, Evie Grace Stabler looking to improve her heartbreak GPA!" teased Sam fondly, shaking his head in loving disbelief. "You know sis I'm not really sure that this is a measurable accomplishment. I'm thinking that you know it's working when you stop feeling like total crap. When you start being able to go a day without crying on Fin's sofa or…."

"Point taken." She was already smiling a little more, crying a little less, and her brother dared to hope that was a good sign.

"Work is going good, right? They're extending your contract?"

"Yeah, yeah they are and I really love it there. It's doesn't come with the same heroics as wearing a uniform like you Fin, or Mom and Dad or…."

"You can say his name Evie, you won't combust."

"But I'm playing my part. I'm communicating to victims, to survivors, and who knows maybe I'm the difference between them knowing help is out there and not."

"Which is pretty damn incredible work in my book." Finishing his coffee with a slurp Fin enjoyed these moments more and more as he got older.

The revolving door to his apartment saw all those closest to him come and go, day in day out, it was bliss to him. Either they were up and he could celebrate in that with them, or they were down and he could help them try to fix it. His life with Melinda was better than he could've ever hoped. Olivia was close by, her kids, Calvin and Texas and little Leni. If this was getting old, he would take it.

"I just look past today, past tomorrow and beyond that and it scares the hell out of me."

"It scares the hell out of all of us Vee…." offered Sam, with a pensive inhale.

"He was the love of my life and now he's with her. Every good, bad, or ugly thing that happens to him for the rest of his life it's not me who's gonna be there beside him it's Texas. That might be good, that might be the right thing for all of us I don't know. I want to be the bigger person. I want to be able to say I love him enough to let him go, to see that this is what's best for him but I can't get there."

"Not yet you can't…." said Fin quietly, "… but you will. Give it time, baby."

"And what about me? Do I just live a spinster life and die alone now or?"

"Okay, okay no, no we're done. That was the line Vee, and I am now officially declaring this pity party over for today. We're going out. We're going to get coffee or ice cream or something…"

"Fin you coming?" asked Eve, grabbing for her purse.

"Nah, nah you kids go hang out. Enjoy your twin free day."

"Enjoy is probably a strong word when they're having the time of their lives with Daddy and Auntie Texas and Grandma Liv."

"Don't do that, Vee, don't do it. Don't go there, don't be that person. Don't let this eat _you_ alive because you're being your own worst enemy getting all bitter and twisted up in it. You sent them there. You had the idea that they all go to this thing. You were the bigger person then and you can be the bigger person now."

"You're right. I know you are. I'm sorry."

"I get that this is hard, I get that this is about as hard as it freakin' gets Vee but you love them. You love them all. Keep fighting."

"You know I haven't even spoken to Texas yet."

"That's okay, she'll understand."

"She was my friend, she was pretty much a sister to me for so long."

"She will understand Evie. Trust her to handle this with the same grace you are trying to? She's not the devil. She didn't mean for this, any of it. Just give it all time, okay?"

"I still wish I could just hate her but Sammy you've seen them together. Even before, even when they were still just friends. Even if I didn't care about her so damn much I couldn't hate her anyway because of what she is to him. His face, Sam, when he looks at her?"

"I know. I've seen it."

"He needs her."

"And you need ice cream and coffee and to remember you're Evie freakin Stabler, okay?"

"I know, I know, the pity party is postponed."

"Hey Vee?"

"Yeah?"

"It will get better."

* * *

"I spoke to Gil yesterday."

"You did?" eyes dancing, seeing her breaking a smile Calvin knew the conversation must have gone their way. "He cool with us?"

"I think he's relieved."

"Relieved?" puzzled Calvin, his thumb stroking back and forth over the back of her hand.

They were sat on a picnic blanket in the middle of Central Park, as the bandstand blared out jangling kids songs. Nearby Olivia sang along with pure joy, Livi on one hip, CJ beside her in his buggy. Leni ran in circles around her ankles, hanging off her Auntie Liv's every word and watching her with saucer wide eyes of adoration. Olivia reached for her little hand, swinging it back and forth to the music while jostling Livi. Leni sang her heart out, and Olivia realised that this vivacious little girl felt every bit as much her grandchild as the other two did.

"What did he say? Gil?" pushed Calvin, drawing Texas back from her daydream.

"He said something about you taming me which I didn't like but is probably true. He said you were good for me. He said Leni already adores you and he couldn't wish for a better guy to raise her with us. He said a lot of things. He likes the sound of his own voice, but, in summary: he's cool."

"You're good for me too Boots….." said Calvin, squeezing her hand and mumbling diffidently, "… you know, just saying."

"Well, anyways, I've spoken him now so as far as I'm concerned we can talk to Leni anytime."

"Yeah, yeah we could do that…." but always preferring actions over words Calvin leaned across the blanket and grabbed for Texas' face, pressing a tender, lingering kiss against her stunned lips.

"¡Mira!" gasped Leni, patting her little hand repeatedly on Olivia's arm, her brown eyes wide as saucers. "Mama and Uncle Calvin!"

"Oh wow…" said Olivia, when all other words failed her. "Really?" she mouthed, giving her head a little shake as Texas sat dumbstruck and Calvin just smiled.

"Not a good idea?" he winced, his smile fading to see Olivia's disapproval.

"Texas?" asked Olivia, fearing the aftershocks.

"Mama!" called Leni, running to her mother and stroking at her hair and shoulder as she came to stand beside her on the blanket.

"Hey Legs?" said Calvin, draping one arm around Texas' shoulder and holding the other outstretched for the little girl. "You think it'd be okay if your Mom and I were more than just friends?"

"Yes!"

"Babe…" tutted Texas, rolling her eyes and looking desperately at Olivia, "… she doesn't know what that means."

"You think it'd be okay if I hung out at your house some more? If your Mom and I were, you know, together, like a couple?"

"Cal are you sure that this is…." hesitated Olivia, seeing Texas' anxiety rising.

"Like girlfriend and boyfriend?" asked Leni, moving from Texas to Calvin and plonking herself down in his lap. Patting her small hands against his chest, brown eyes looking up at him searchingly. "Like kissing and holding hands? Like Mommies and Daddies do?"

"Yeah, yeah, all those things. You think that'd be okay with you?" rubbing soothingly at the little girls back with a broad palm Calvin held her eyes, asked for her trust: this wasn't planned, he was entirely winging it, but it felt so right. "I promise I'll take real good care of your mama, Legs. I'll make her laugh, make her smile. You know I'll always look out for her and for you too, right?"

"Right…." smiled Leni, using her hands to get up onto her knees and lift herself high enough to look Calvin in the eye.

Squashing her nose against Calvin's face Elena kissed his cheek. Calvin was home to her, in different ways than her father was. He had always been there; he was part of her family. She loved Gil dearly, he was papa, but she had seen and felt the way her mother came alive around Calvin, the warmth and the security that his presence brought. Her little child's heart was so full of love for him, that she saw the situation as little more than her mother's continued happiness and his increasing presence in her life. Both ideas filled her with joy beyond words, and she hugged his neck with both arms.

"You okay, mija?" asked Texas, tears filling her eyes watching the two of them.

"Te adoro…" whispered Leni, pressing a kiss against Calvin's thick neck and gifting butterfly kisses from her long doll like lashes, "... can you stay with us forever? Me and Mama?"

"Yeah, yeah I can and I will. Count on it, Legs.

"I love you…." mouthed Texas, and Calvin replied silently.

Olivia, having pretended to busy herself with the twins and dancing, nodded with relief and heart aching satisfaction. There was good to be had, joy to be found, and hope to hold onto in all of this and she had borne witness to it in that moment.

Seeing their imperfect perfect, seeing their candle in the dark, seeing the way their two souls clung to one another against uneven odds Olivia's eyes stung with regret. Reaching into the back pocket of her jeans she shifted Livi up her hip and texted with her free hand: "This is not who we are. We are better than this. Can we talk away from the house tonight? Liv x"

* * *

"You okay?"

"I'm winded!" gasped Olivia, bracing her hands on her hips and throwing her head back panting. "Chiquita over there is precious but she's unrelenting…." laughing, catching her breath, Olivia's eyes twinkled as she gestured over to where Leni was now dancing with Texas, "… and I'm getting too old to keep up."

"The hell you are."

"You're sweet, and you're wrong…." she smiled, rolling her eyes, "… but I appreciate it."

"It's been pretty great today, you know? Having you here…." ever a little awkward, ever a little shy, Calvin flashed a bashful smile and shrugged off his comment almost as he made it, "… hanging out."

"I've missed you too, sweetheart."

"Humph…." he said, gratefully acknowledging her simple reply in his own way. "Evie's really being the bigger person here. She did this. She suggested it, she green lit it. I don't deserve that."

"She didn't just do it for you."

"Right, right, of course…." embarrassed, cringing at his assumption Calvin looked away.

"She knows I couldn't live without you Calvin….." stepping forward, Olivia reached a hand up to his heavyset shoulder and waited for him to give her his eyes. Her gentle giant. "She knows it would break my heart to lose you, even an inch."

"I'm sorry, Livia. I am so, so sorry that I didn't see it. I'm more sorry than you know that I didn't realise how close I'd come to losing you in all this. If you'd been collateral damage it'd have broken my fucking heart and I'm so sorry I didn't see that. I'm sorry I risked it."

"You don't get rid of me so easy…." she smiled, steady and calm, beckoning with her hands when in reality it was her who would walk into his arms.

Fitting in her familiar nook, enveloped against his chest she felt both small and larger than life itself. Her little boy had become a grown man, strong in body and character and she was growing old. The interwoven strands of their life threads had twisted, and now he would take care of her.

"So are you gonna tell me what's gotten under your skin or what?" he asked, deliberately holding her fast when she attempted to pull away. "Don't you dare lie to me, isn't that what you always used to say to me? When I'd try to pull the wool?"

"I can't talk to you about it, Cal. Even if I wanted to."

"And do you? Want to?" he asked, feeling her steady breathing against his. "Because you can. I'm here, Livia. If it's hurting you, it's hurting me. You need me to kick someone's ass?"

"No!"

"Because I will, you know that."

"I've just been exorcising some old ghosts lately is all…." she sighed, as he finally released his grip and she pulled away and rubbed her temple wearily. "Elliot and I are, well, we're…."

"What?" asked Calvin quietly, giving her space to talk, room to breathe.

"Can I ask you a question?" she said, hearing the answer in his silence. "Where'd you get the nerve? What I mean is where did you find the courage? To walk away, to leave Evie and the twins. You knew it was gonna hurt like hell, you knew the risk, you knew what you stood to lose. You could've made Texas an affair but you didn't."

"And you think that makes me brave?" he said, and she found it hard to read his tone. "I don't know if it makes me brave or just stupid and naïve. That I knew what I had to lose but I did it anyway. Maybe it'd have taken more courage to stay."

"Do you really believe that?"

"I changed their lives, Livia. I changed the course of Livi and CJ's lives, right along with Evie's. I could've stayed and seen them through high school with a normal family. A Mom and Dad, dinner together every night, but I didn't. I took that from them and I have to live with that."

"Right."

"Just a hunch?" he dared, bold but unwavering. "This about Mr S and his ex?"

"I shouldn't….."

"No, no sure…." he said softly, "… but you can, you know? If it'd help."

"I love that man Calvin. For better or worse, through hell and high water and back again. I was in love with him I think before I even knew what that could mean. I fought it, hard, for a long time. We were together when we shouldn't have been and I own that. I don't believe in saying it just happened, that we didn't know what we were doing, because we did. I did. I knew he was married and I went there anyway. I'm not proud of it but I can't honestly say I regret it either, and that's my cross to bear."

"You ever gonnna quit beating yourself with this same old stick?" observed Calvin, tilting his head and smiling lovingly at her. "Huh?"

"I know why I didn't tell him right away about Evie. I know why I was scared, afraid to let it all in, to let him all the way in. She was so tiny, so innocent and pure, she hadn't learned yet how to…."

"Trust someone and get totally fucked over?" said Calvin, pushing his hands into the pockets of his jeans with a shrug. "Lose people?"

"I guess you and I both know a little about that…." she whispered, taking a moment just to hold on tight to what she shared with Calvin. It was different than any other relationship she had ever, or would ever have, and she treasured it.

"Tex is the only one who ever stuck to me like glue….." seeing her blanche slightly, hurt, he furrowed thick brows and added quickly, "… before I found you again, before Evie and Sammy and everyone I mean."

"Right."

"I'm just saying it can make you slow to trust is all. Having moms like ours, daddy issues…."

"Right…." warmer this time Olivia laughed blackly. "He hesitated Cal, for what felt like a lifetime. We were together, we were sleeping together and he stayed with her. I can't be sure he would have ever left if it wasn't for Eve."

"You can't be sure of anything when you ask questions like that."

"No, no but…"

"He had a wife of, what, how many years? And a fucking tribe of kids before Evie and Sam, like seven, eight of them?"

"Five and you know it."

"And they were what? Adults through to kids? That's messy."

"Yeah, yeah it was, it was complicated and they all dealt with it differently when he did eventually leave. It took some of them a long time to heal, to rebuild their relationship with him. I do know that."

"Do you?"

"I…."

"Only it just kinda seems to me like you wouldn't wanna be with a guy who just walked out on all that _without_ hesitating. Could you do something that would risk Evie and Sam never talking to you again?"

"Wow."

"Sorry, did I…."

"No, no keep talking. I need to hear it."

"He thinks you hung the fucking moon Livia. He's not perfect, but who is? I just kinda think maybe you've got this all flipped around. Like maybe how in love with you he was, how badly he wanted to raise your kid with you was the only thing big enough, strong enough, important enough to break all twenty four of his kids' hearts."

"Five."

"So he hesitated, so what?" shrugged Calvin, daring a flat mouthed smile and adding, "He left, didn't he? Stop being him with that same damn stick. It's not making you feel better is it? You're just picking at a scab that'd have healed years ago if you'd leave it the hell alone."

"Are you done?" she asked, and just for a fraction of a second his breath caught because he couldn't read her face.

"Livia I'm so sorry I…."

"Don't you dare be sorry."

"No?"

"I'm not saying that I wish Vivian hadn't been able to do better with you Cal but I thank God every day that her not being able to brought you into my life. Do you know that?"

"I didn't…." he confessed, shifting his weight shyly between feet. Then lifting his head he just smiled at her, unfettered and unconditional. "Is that right?"

"Who else is gonna tell me to take my head out my ass?"

"Livia!" pulling a face, not used to her talking that way Calvin's expression of horror made her laugh.

"You look happy, sweetheart."

"I am…." he swallowed hesitantly, "… and I feel guilty as fucking hell for it."

"Come on, come here…." she beckoned, hugging him tight again and whispering soothingly, "… it'll get better, it will. With time it'll all work itself out. Trust me?"

* * *

"I took the liberty…."

"Amazing." Said Olivia, sliding into the seat opposite Elliot in their coffee shop of ages. Wrapping her hands around the cup waiting for her she took a slow sip. "Thanks for coming."

"Are you kidding?" he puzzled: of course he came. It was such an odd situation they had found themselves in. Their marriage was so instinctive, so intuitive, so familiar and yet in that moment it felt fleetingly otherwise. He hated that feeling. "Liv don't do that, let's not do this. I've hated every minute, every second of the past few days."

"Me too."

"I don't give a crap about any of that stuff. Not really. I guess maybe there's a part of me that thinks about it sometimes but I need to learn to turn it off. It's just ego or something. I don't even know, but I'm not proud of it. I know full well you coming as close as you did to settling down with Haden was my fault. You wouldn't have been in that situation if I'd done things differently. Well, I mean, you might have been; but you would've had other options I mean."

"It wouldn't have been settling down El, it'd have just been settling. He knew that as well as I did. Leaving for Boston with David would've been the cruellest thing I could've done to that poor man. I wasn't being honest with him for a long time. I wasn't being honest with myself."

"I know why you didn't tell me about Eve until you did."

"I know why you didn't leave Cathy until you did."

"Okay then."

"El what I didn't say just now is how very aware I am that leaving for Boston with David would've also been the cruellest thing I could've ever done to you. It tears me up inside how close I came….." her voice catching, breaking, Olivia's brown eyes grew wide and so painfully sorry, "… to keeping you from our child."

"Olivia…."

"You have no idea how marrying you and raising our babies together, how living this life we have together has been the single greatest joy I could ever have imagined or wanted for."

"I have every idea, sweetheart…." he countered, shaking his head and unashamedly allowing tears to fill his loving gaze, "… don't you know by now that **you** are _my_ greatest joy? You're the best part of me, Liv, always have been: always will be."

"Love, I…."

"Liv is it possible, could it, can it be possible for us to just draw a line under all of this?" he asked, reaching across the table for her hand. She moved hers forward, interlacing their fingers. "I just want us to put this in a box. Close it, and promise to never open it again. I'm sorry, okay? I apologise completely and unreservedly that I didn't man the hell up sooner. Just know that I had my reasons and they weren't all bad, they weren't ever intending to hurt you or to make you anything less than you are or you deserve to me. I need you to trust that."

"I do."

"Yeah?" he tested, squeezing her fingers. "Honest?"

"I was slow to trust, you need to know that and you need to know that isn't on you. I guess the stuff with Cathy didn't help, the hesitation, the uncertainty. It isn't that I didn't understand it, or that I can't now, it was what it did to me. I was scared El. Scared for Eve but more afraid for myself if we're being completely honest. I knew once I had that family with you, once I let you all the way in, that I would never and could never love anyone else. Once I accepted how deeply, truly, completely in love with you I was I'd never get over losing you."

"You won't ever lose me, Liv."

"Promise?" it was futile, she knew, because neither one of them had that kind of control. It brought her great comfort, however, that he was prepared to hold the faith.

"Promise."

"I love that boy, El. I refuse to hate him. I can't let that kind of darkness touch him or what I feel for him. What does that say about me as a mother?"

"I suppose it makes you a damn fine one….." said Elliot simply.

"But Evie…."

"I was talking about Cal."

"Oh, oh I see."

"You don't love your kid any less because they screwed up. No matter how badly they screwed up. I've learned that lesson; I've felt that pull, that gravity time after time with all my kids. You might not have given birth to Calvin but let's not pretend that he isn't your son."

"What if I can't have them both? What if I can't protect my relationship with Evie and what I have with Cal through all this? What if even though she isn't saying it Eve is hurting because I'm not completely on her side?"

"You _are_ completely on her side and she knows it. She's old enough and smart enough to know that the very reason she loves and admires you so completely is _because_ you're fighting so hard to protect both your relationships in this. All your relationships, because I know you'll hold Texas' hand through it all too."

"She needs me."

"Liv don't you get it? Don't you see? You being this way, you being just exactly the way you are is why we all love you so damn much. Stop tearing yourself into pieces. Trust us all, trust the kids to love you enough not to rip you limb from limb like a doll they can't share."

"I need them every bit as much as they need me Elliot. I've come to realise that. I wanted, needed, longed to be a mother for so long and I was born to do this. It's like carrying a different shield. I have to protect them. All of them. Evie and Sammy, Texas and Calvin and Leni and Livi and CJ. Everyone talks so much about how fragile I am. After the transplant, the recovery, how maybe I shouldn't take the kids to the park or go to a meeting with Texas or help the boys at the car shop."

"Because we're scared to death of you overdoing it."

"But that's just it, it's the opposite. It keeps me going, El…." she smiled, steady, calm, beautiful, "… it's what keeps me alive. Them, and us: me and you."

"You keep me going."

"You say that like I'm hard work?" she smirked, narrowing her eyes suspiciously.

"You always could run rings around me Benson, keep me on my toes."

"We friends again then or what?" she said, and he just smiled back at her with a widening grin.

"Best friends."


	31. My Heart Can Forgive But It Can't Reset

_**Thank you so much for the kind words left after my last author's note. I am going to take it one chapter at a time, just writing from the heart/gut as I've always tried to do. Your support in reading and leaving reviews of such thoughtfulness and depth means so much.**_

* * *

"Are you listening?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm listening."

"Only I know you're a little slow, a little thick headed so…."

"Hey!" smarting with a frown Calvin looked up from the paperwork at Sam, "Harsh, dude! Way harsh."

"I'm kidding."

"I fix the cars, right?" said Calvin, settling again. "That's how this works. You're the brains here. I'm the hired hand. I deal with the practical aspects of…"

"You're the brawn, the muscle, you can just say that…." smirked Sam, having become very comfortable in his smaller frame and always enjoying the contrast. He had built a good amount of upper body strength, but it was lean muscle, some mix of scrawny and athletic.

"That wasn't what I was….." there was a comfortable patois between the two boys, now men, and Calvin just smiled, "… you are a hundred kinds of smarter than me Stabler and you know it."

"This is working out, isn't it?" said Sam, sitting back in his new slimmer line wheelchair and folding his hands across his chest. Viewing their domain, their kingdom, their fledgling business from the tiny cupboard of an office in the corner of the main floor of the car shop he smiled with satisfaction.

"Its early days, I mean I'm not gonna be investing in any off shores with our current incomings but…"

"I wasn't really meaning the money. That will come with time."

"Oh, right."

"I work the books, the cash. You work the cars, the inventory. We've got one a half customers more than last week…."

"Half a person or half a car?" said Calvin with a flat, literal understanding that caused Sam to snort in amusement. His brother was a caveman sometimes.

"Mrs Anderson has promised to let you give her a full service but she hasn't actually come yet….." now it was Sam's turn for innocence, as Calvin stared at him with wide eyed horror that fell away to a long, loud guffaw. "What? Why're you laughing?"

"I'm sorry but did you not just hear that? What came out of your mouth?"

"You're an idiot, Arliss."

"And you are a dirty, dirty boy Stabler."

"Screw you!"

"I mean I don't know that Tex is gonna be so thrilled with my giving Mrs Anderson a full service…."

"Stop it."

"But I _do_ appreciate your entrepreneurship, bro…." still laughing, holding his stomach, Calvin threw his head back and continued to tease, "… don't invoice till they come Sammy!"

"I hate you."

"I'm sorry."

"No you're not."

"No, no I'm really not…." his grin was wide, easy, relaxed. Sammy adored Calvin, he was like putting on an old coat, familiar and warm, like hanging out with himself.

"So can I ask you something?"

"Anything….." said Calvin, sobering quickly on sensing that was what Sam needed from him, "… shoot, buddy. What's on your mind?"

"You think I'll ever meet someone? I mean _really_ meet someone. Not just fun, not just something temporary. I mean make it stick, be with someone. I never even had a girlfriend."

"That's not true, bud."

"I got an e-mail from Leah. I mean, she sent it like three months ago but I forgot I even had that account. Anyways I was looking for an old password and I logged in and there it was. Her name and a great long message."

"Seriously?" swallowing slowly, understanding the weight of what was happening her Calvin folded his arms in his lap. He gave Sam his absolute and undivided attention, and he gave him his eyes as he added, "You doing okay?"

"She's married Cal."

"Oh…."

"She married a guy she met on one of her missions overseas and they're living somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. She said the name of the place but I forgot it. It doesn't really matter."

"Sammy I'm sorry….." grabbing for Sam's shoulder Calvin gave it a tight squeeze, then held it there for a moment because it felt right, "…. truly."

"It wasn't meant to be. I get that, I do know that. It just always kinda felt like, like, I dunno." Taking a moment, just breathing in and out, allowing himself to really feel it all Sam remained quiet. Then looking over at Calvin he shrugged, "It's really over now, period. It always kind of felt like we were a sentence still hanging in there, unfinished. Now there's a big fat period at the end of it. She's married and I'm gonna die alone."

"You're fucking not."

"I'm the most single guy on the planet Calvin."

"Well, then, we'll work on that. We'll put in the man hours, we'll address the situation."

"I don't want you to be my freakin' pity wingman, dude!" shrugging Calvin's hand from his shoulder Sam folded his arms and sighed heavily. "How the hell did I open my own damn business and I still feel like the stupid, awkward, wheelchair kid that's everyone's buddy, everyone's pal, but no one wants to…."

"Hey, hey….."

"Are you kidding me Calvin? I don't wanna work on this with you. I don't wanna go cruising for girls with you. Who the hell is gonna buy into a rusty little Ford when they can ride in the Cadillac?"

"That's fucking bullshit Sammy and you know it."

"No **you** know it, Cal. You've got a pretty face and you're built like a M1A1. You had a cheerleader and a Brown college grad, and now you've got Texas. Evie's my sister so, yeah, no comment but let's not pretend Texas isn't smoking hot and wouldn't look twice at a guy like me."

"Look you can hate on me all you like Sammy but don't bring her into this, don't make me hit you. Don't you call Tex shallow….." diffusing the moment, softening his tensed stance, Calvin slumped in his chair and sighed, "… because she loves me for my sparkling wit and intellect."

"Hah!"

"Look, I can't promise you're gonna meet someone. I can't guarantee that, no one can. I do think you're being short sighted though, because a lot of people like Fords and…."

"I can't even be mad at you right now because I know that you're actually being sincere."

"What I can promise you is that you're not gonna fucking die alone…." shrugging, turning up the corners of his mouth to a smile Calvin added, "… you don't ever have to be alive alone. You won't ever. I'm gonna haunt your days and your dreams."

"I'm sorry for what I said about Texas it wasn't fair. I know how deep in runs with you two."

"I'm sorry about Leah."

"That offer to wingman for me still open?"

"Always."

"Good."

"Just let me get Mrs Anderson on the phone and….."

"I hate you. So much. You are a terrible human being Arliss."

* * *

"This one?"

"No."

"Why not?" said Elliot, a little prickly, holding up the shirt under his chin and glancing in the store mirror. "I have great shoulders."

"You also have eyes, right?"

"Well aren't you bringing the sass today Mrs Stabler…." he smirked, handing her back the shirt and conceding to her higher fashion power, "… fine, it's a no."

"I want us to mature into a classic timeless fashion state in our golden years, not be turned out to pasture in plaid and badly fitting denim. Sweetheart no, no, come on?" she tutted, grabbing his elbow and guiding him away from a rack of sweatshirts. "You have enough enormous sweaters to clothe half the NYPD; we're looking for sharp shirts today. Okay?"

"Sharp shirts."

"You always could wear a suit…." she offered, dangling a carrot she knew he couldn't resist with a teasing smile and doe eyes, "… always got my attention."

"Liv I've really missed this."

"Me making eyes at you to get my own way?" she asked, truly comfortable and acutely self-aware in their relationship.

"Us just being us, I guess. I hated being two strangers in that house. I know we were never so very far away from one another but it was further than I ever want to be again."

"It just threw me for a loop, that's all. What's happened between Evie and Cal. What's still happening. It brought up a lot of things for me but I'm glad that we got to talk about them."

"We can, you know, about anything. Even the things that aren't comfortable. Any time you want to, any time you need to, there's no place I won't go with you. I have no secrets Liv, and if you're not at peace with our past then…."

"Elliot I appreciate that, truly I do, but it's okay. I don't want to let what happened decades ago steal anything from what we have now. We've been through too much since all that for it to matter anymore."

"He did the right thing."

"What?" she mouthed, the word barely audible so stunned was she by Elliot's sudden, simply confession in the Macy's menswear department.

"Tarzan….." flippant, then profoundly sincere Elliot added, "…. Calvin."

"You think so?"

"I know so…" said Elliot, quiet, but certain, "….better than anyone."

"That why you're hiding all this under a rock instead of landing punches?" she asked softly. "That's tough, babe."

"She's my baby girl. I'm furious. I'm so angry, I'm so damn angry that this is how things are turning out for her and she's crying herself to sleep at night and having to rebuild her life all over again. I just can't be angry at him. I can't be angry at anyone but myself for not realising what was going on sooner. I know the signs, right? I drove straight past them."

"El…."

"He found his way quicker than I did and despite all of it, all the crap, all the tears and the confusion. I want to respect the guy for having the balls to do what I couldn't."

"You did it."

"Not soon enough, not for you or for Cathy. Once you're in a lie not a marriage it's game over. He spared Evie that, and I guess that means in some messed up way we'll one day be grateful."

"Will you something for me?" she asked, knowing exactly what his response would be.

"Anything?"

"Tell Cal all that, say to him what you've just said to me."

"Liv…."

"I know what I'm asking. I know just how _much_ I'm asking, but El you have no idea how far your opinion carries with that boy."

"Not nearly as far as yours."

"He puts on a good show but he's broken up inside about this and you know what he's going through right now in a way that no one else does. He thinks you hate him."

"Hate is a big word."

"I know you feel like it's a betrayal. I get that, believe me I do. I felt the same way at first but then I came to realise that we have a duty, an obligation to our grandchildren Elliot. Even if you don't feel the way I do about Calvin, even if you can never fully repair the damage this has done you have to try. He's their father, he's part of our family and that isn't going anywhere, so if nothing else then for Livi and CJ you have to try."

"Jesus Olivia as if it wasn't already impossible to resist _you,_ you've gotta bring our grandkids into this too?"

"Is that a yes?" she asked, hearing the smile in his voice, and seeing no resistance in his eyes. "You'll talk to Cal?"

* * *

"Holy crap…."

"You like?" asked Texas, lifting her eyebrows up and down and turning a full circle with a showgirl shoulder pop.

"Eres muy guapa…." growled Calvin, his eyes moving slowly from her heels, up strong legs in painted on black jeans, hesitating in her leopard print blouse's deep cut neckline before finally finding her eyes. Sparkling with mischief.

"Ay! Cariño you're so sexy when you speak Spanish!" she cackled, her swagger always coming in the form of a busied wiggle around the living room. Collecting up her cell phone, keys and lipstick she filled her clutch purse and shoved it tight under her arm.

"Estoy loco por ti….." he said, becoming distracted as she bustled into the kitchen with intent, "… hey wait, hey? Tex? Are you _leaving_ or something?"

"We both are!" she declared, spinning around from the cupboard with a bottle of tequila and two shot glasses.

"The fuck, Boots? Put that down!"

"Oh don't get your panties in a wad, it's not for me!" she laughed, licking lipstick from her teeth and pouring a shot. Then tottering to the sink she poured water into the second glass and set them both on the counter, pushing Calvin's toward him. "We're going dancing and we're doing shots first!"

"Oh hell no…."

"What's the problem?" she asked, with a staggering unawareness that he found both baffling and strangely endearing in equal measure. "Mine's just water, relax. I'm just playing along for fun. It's like old times."

"Tex I love you to death but what part of you thinks that I want anything to do with old times? What makes you come even _close_ to thinking that this is a good idea?"

"I wanna go dancing."

"I wanna be Santa Claus but we don't always get what we want, right?" he scoffed, shaking his head and pulling a comedic, horror struck expression. "Right?"

"You'd be a _terrible_ Santa Claus, you've got no ho ho ho….." she pouted, tilting her head and teasing, "… you're the Grinch, mi amor."

"Texas be serious. You're honestly telling me that you can't see why I'm freaking the hell out right now? You stood in Fin's kitchen with a bottle of tequila in your hand?"

"I'm not gonna drink."

"Okay, well, right now this is looking very much like…."

"Calvin right now my kid is with her father. Your kids are with their grandparents. We can go out tonight and do whatever the hell we want. No one gives a crap, don't you get it? We're not gonna have to keep looking over our shoulders waiting for Johnny to catch us, and to beat the crap out of us both. We're not cheating on anyone. We're just two _relatively_ young people who are in love and who for tonight at least don't have to think about or worry about anything else. Isn't that what we always wanted, you and me?"

"You're supposed to be on the wagon, Tex? You really wanna go to a bar?"

"I want to go dancing….." she stated, her brown eyes so soulful, so intense, "… it makes me happy. It makes me feel alive."

"I get that but…."

"Do you? Cal when was the last time you and I just cut lose and had fun together? When the last time, honest to God, that you can say you laughed to hard it hurt? When was that?"

"I…."

"Too slow! Your answer is too slow to count!"

"I'm scared for you, babe, you're doing so good and I don't want one night of crazy to screw that up….." grabbing for her hand he swung it in the air between them now, "… we've got too much riding on this Boots."

"I drank because everything hurt and it took away some of that pain. I drank because I was scared and lonely and I wanted to escape. I drank to forget, to numb everything out. I drank because I was fucking miserable Calvin."

"Tex…."

"Drinking to have a fun, to have a good time and go dancing? That was never my trigger, you know that. I don't _need_ to drink to have a good time. I don't need to drink to go party…." making a clicking sound with her mouth she winked at him and ran her tongue along her bright red lips, "…. I am the freakin' party Arliss."

"You sure are…." he laughed warmly, he didn't want to but she coaxed it out of him. It was her secret weapon.

"Cal I'm not scared anymore, I'm not lonely or looking for an escape. I'm not miserable and I don't want to numb any of what I'm feeling right now….." her hands were on his face, he felt them warm and lightly trembling, her eyes were wide and trusting and his heart thundered, "… and I don't want to forget a second of it."

"Okay."

"Si?" she gasped, biting her lip and wrinkling her nose. "You'll take me dancing?"

"Yeah, yeah I'll take you dancing Boots…." he sighed, leaning forward and falling so easily, so naturally onto her lips. She kissed him back, hungry and excited for the night ahead.

"Okay, okay we do two shots here to keep the tab down and then vamonos!" she said, holding out his shot glass.

"How about we make our old friend tequila here staying home a condition of this little venture?"

"Guapo I said that _ **I**_ don't need to drink to dance and have fun but _you_ on the other hand…."

"Hey!"

"I'm not gonna hoover it from your mouth with my tongue!"

"That wasn't what was wrong with your last statement!" he cried, shaking his head and laughing at himself. "I'll have you know I'm a fucking hoot and a half! I'm God damn Elvis on the dance floor and…."

"You're hilarious…." she laughed, long and hard, till she had to dab at the deep black flicks at the corners of her eye makeup to prevent tears escaping. "But you're wrong. You're grumpy and you need to take a shot. You won't dance with me sober, we both know that."

"You can _seriously_ hack me drinking and you staying sober? Really? You're gonna have me be that asshole? That's what you want in your boyfriend?"

"Manfriend."

"What?"

"Boyfriend, I dunno, it's just kinda…." pulling a face she tilted her head one way and then the other, considering the options, "… but manfriend makes it sound a little like…."

"I've hired you? I'm paying you to tolerate my apparently boring and un-fun company?"

"One…" she counted, widening her eyes and nodding toward the tequila in her hand.

"Two…." he sighed, taking it from her as she picked up her tiny shot of water.

"Tequila!"

* * *

"I feel like such an idiot. I feel like such a cliché. I feel a fool. I feel a lot of things right now and I don't know how to many any of it go away."

"I don't think you can, honey."

"How long did it take?" hesitating, pensive, Eve took a sip of her cocktail and swallowed it bitterly. "I don't even know if I'm allowed to ask you this but I guess I'm just curious to know how long it took you to get over my Dad."

"What makes you think I ever have?" asked Cathy, her eyes a little wistful, a little sad suddenly.

"Oh, right. Sorry."

"Your father was the love of my life Evie. I gave so many years, so much of myself our marriage and to raising our kids together. Elliot Stabler is written all over my heart, inside and outside, all around the edges. I've tried to erase him; God knows how hard I've tried. It just seems like it doesn't work like that."

"Doesn't it kill you?" asked Eve frankly, this time taking a hearty glug of her drink. "How'd you bear it?"

"I think it would be easier if I could hate him. I just never could, not even right when it all happened, not even all those years ago when it was so raw. I wanted to, believe me. I prayed to God for the mercy of being able to loathe and detest those blessed blue eyes with every ounce of my being."

"I hear that!" came the grim laugh from the younger woman. Sitting together at the bar Cathy's face softened, and she reached for Eve's wrist. "I am trying so freakin' hard to hate Cal for all this! To hate both of them!"

"Don't, don't do it. It's a huge mistake. It's the biggest mistake you could make in all this and it's one I am thankful every day I didn't make."

"Really?"

"Because it isn't right, not for either of you. It isn't right for your kids. You don't really hate them you just hate feeling like this. You hate the situation they've put you in. Maybe even the darker side of you hates seeing them so damn happy when you're over here miserable."

"Yeah, yeah that."

"Which is fine, that's fine, honey. That's your right and your prerogative and it's a bitter pill that in time will get easier to swallow. I remember those first birthdays, first Christmases, the first time Elliot had Thanksgiving with you and your mom…."

"Jesus I forget sometimes….." breathed Eve, the hairs at the back of lifting, "… that for you it was my mom…."

"Who, in case you hadn't noticed, is an incredibly difficult person to hate."

"Texas has had the worst life, Cathy. I don't want to speak out of turn, I don't want to break any confidences; I don't know how much you know?"

"Enough to know she probably deserves a happy ending."

"I try really hard, you know? I must've psyched myself up a hundred times to go over to her place. Even just to see her, to talk to her, but it makes it all too real. I saw them together at the car shop. I saw him holding her, kissing her."

"That's rough, to see that, so soon."

"They didn't know I was there, it wasn't like they were, you know, flaunting it or whatever. I mean not that they shouldn't or couldn't. They're together right? He's not mine anymore so who the hell cares whether he kisses her at the car shop or anywhere else. I guess he's sleeping with her, I mean he's done it before. It's not so strange for the two of them, right? Besides she's a little more Mary Magdalene than Virgin Mary so…."

"Stop it."

"What?"

"You've crossed over, Evie. Come back, pull yourself back."

"It's funny….." said Eve, smiling a little nervously at Cathy, "… you really do **know** don't you. I'm sorry. I'm a monster sometimes I know. My head just goes someplace dark and angry and meaner than I'd realised I knew how to be. I didn't mean that about Texas."

"Didn't you?"

"I don't want this whole thing to make me an ugly person and that's what that was. Ugly, nasty, and I know better. It was about the lowest blow I could've….."

"Okay, okay let's just erase that whole last five minutes. It never happened."

"Did you think and say ugly things about Mom?" it was a bold question, but lately it felt to Eve as though barriers and boundaries were down and nothing was unaskable. "When you found out about their affair? When you found out that I was his kid and…."

"You wanna know something? Something I haven't told anyone, not even your father."

"Oh, wow, I don't know that…."

"I suspected you were his."

"What?" her stomach fell off the barstool, hit the floor, and her mouth gaped inelegantly. Eve reached for her drink, and then was horrified to find it empty.

"There was a night, you might've heard tell. A ball, they both went to it."

"I've heard, yeah, I mean…."

"Something changed in Elliot after that night. Not one else would've noticed it but I was his wife and had been for a long time. He was different. Actually, no, no he was more himself than he had been in what felt like forever. He walked a little taller again, his eyes were clear and he smiled more. He laughed with the kids again. It's like his skin had been on a little too tight and now suddenly it fit like a glove again."

"Wow…." no noise came from Eve, but her lips moved, and her eyes filled with tears.

"A bunch of stuff happened, there were some changes in our lives. He started working in collaboration with SVU again and it didn't bother me. Maybe it should have, hindsight is a wonderful thing, right?"

"Right."

"Next thing you know I go to pick him up one night and see Olivia Benson leaving work quite clearly pregnant and I had to wonder. I knew she was with Haden. Elliot had told me as much, always with a tone, with a look, oozing his disapproval."

"Huh?" nodded Eve, morbidly fascinated to hear this alternative point of view so many years later.

"I didn't say anything. I didn't do anything. I didn't want to know the answer so I didn't ask the question. I guess a part of me thought maybe nothing would change, even if something was going on between the two of them: even if that baby was his."

"I was that baby….." it was a fact both were acutely aware of, but still it felt like something Eve needed to say out loud.

"El had always said if Eli had been a girl we'd have named her Grace. But I blocked it out. I pushed it so far down inside of myself that when he told me I was shocked, I really was. I found texts on his phone. Texts to someone called Mouse."

"Oh God, oh God Cathy I'm so sorry…."

"Honey don't _you_ apologise. You were the best thing to come out of all this. Well, this and your father's ongoing happiness…." she was smiling, and though she looked older than she ever had before Cathy seemed at peace with it all and that brought Eve comfort.

"So he told me that you were his, we fought, we talked, and we ended our marriage. The truth of it though was that it really didn't need to take so very long by that point. They were Romeo and Juliet, they were Anthony and Cleopatra. He and I were Fred and Betty Flintstone on a _good_ day. I couldn't have fought what he and your mother have and I actually didn't really feel inclined to try. Hearbreaking as that was, crazy as that sounds."

"It doesn't sound crazy at all…." whispered Eve, grabbing for Cathy's hand and squeezing it tight.

"I suppose my point in all this, honey, is that I don't hate your father. I couldn't when I wanted to, and then the more time passed the more I didn't want to at all. He's not perfect, he's a long way from it some days, but he's a good man. I didn't want to lose him from my life."

"I love Calvin…." came the pitchy squeak from Eve, "… I don't want to hate him. I don't want to lose him completely."

"So don't. Don't hate him; don't think of the beautiful relationship that the two of you had together for so long as time wasted. It brought you two gorgeous, gorgeous babies."

"I was a little girl when I first met him even though I wouldn't admit to anyone or even to myself. He taught me so many things. He made me strong, how'd I do all this without him?"

"He might have taught you a lot of things, Evie, but I don't think Calvin is where you get your strength from. You asked me earlier if I thought and said ugly things about your mom back then. Honestly? Sure I did."

"Yeah?"

"Are you kidding me?" said Cathy, shaking her head and laughing at herself. "She was killing it at the NYPD, rescuing vulnerable kids, helping survivors, running around in tight pants with a gun on her hip. It was an exciting day for me if I managed to wear a little lip gloss to fold the laundry or take the kids to school."

"Cathy…."

"And in case you haven't noticed your mother is _terrifyingly_ , intimidatingly attractive."

"Well, yeah, I mean…."

"Elliot was punching so far above his weight when he convinced her that he was a good idea. Dare I say maybe Calvin was too when he won your heart?"

"No, no that's not true, it's…."

"It hurts like hell when he walks away. You bawl your eyes out, you think your life is over, you contemplate giving up. Yes, yeah you do, but honey if I can survive it then I am _damn_ sure you can. Better than that you can have this be the moment that **makes** you."

"You really think so?"

"You look _just_ like your mother, so when you're ready you'll be beating men of with a stick for a start. You've got her compassion, her drive, her determination. You know what else?"

"What?"

"You've got Elliot's eyes and his fire. You put that into doing good instead of punching walls like he did and there'll be no stopping you Evie Grace."

"Thank you, Cathy. For saying that."

"I mean every word, I do. This might be the end of your marriage, but it isn't the end of your life. It's just the beginning of the next chapter…."

* * *

"Tell me that this doesn't feel good?"

"Oh, no, no this feels awesome….." grinned Calvin, his broad palms placed possessively on the tight seat of Texas' jeans as they stood cuddled together at a downtown bar.

"Arliss!"

"Damn I missed you squawking that at me…." he growled, leaning forward and kissing at her neck.

"I feel like a different person, like I'm living in a different lifetime."

"Thank God you don't _look_ like a different person…." said Calvin, the corners of his mouth curling to a smile that he in turn pressed against her lips, "… but I'm loving that I get to kiss you whenever I want, for as long as I want."

"You're tired, it's all the dancing…." she chuckled, stroking at his face and kissing him lovingly.

"It's all the fucking tequila! You're an enabler! You're the anti-AA!"

"Shhhhh….." clamping a hand over his mouth she widened her eyes, shaking her head quickly and then leaning forward and pressing her forehead against his, "…. don't say stuff like that you'll get me in trouble."

"I'm not so drunk…" he smiled, warm, comfortable, adoring, "… but you _are_ beautiful. I probably don't tell you that enough."

"Shut up."

"I mean it Tex. I mean it and I owe you an apology. I doubted you tonight and that was wrong. It was wrong of me: I should've known better. I should've known once you set your mind to something, sink your teeth into it, that you don't quit. I'm sorry I doubted for a second that Texas Mendoza wasn't bad ass enough to come dancing in a bar totally stone cold sober and out-fun every fucker in here."

"I dreamed of being ordinary."

"What?" he asked, a little thrown off.

"Oh I know it's not what you're supposed to dream about. It's not exactly what they teach kids in school. It's not what you're supposed to aspire to, but it's all I've ever wanted. This, right here, right now with you. You have no idea how many times I dreamed about this. The two of us, together, without the whole world fighting to take it away from us."

"It's kinda great, huh?"

"It's the kinda great I was afraid to even believe existed. Folding your laundry and pairing your socks, earning an honest wage like everyone else, eating dinner together at the end of the day. I want to have an ordinary life with you Calvin Arliss."

"Texas we both know nothing about a life with you will ever be completely ordinary…." he murmured, his eyes loving on her in a way that no one else's ever had: unconditionally.

"I'm sorry…."

"Hell I'm not. I'm too serious, I'm closed off, I'm monosyllabic always have been. You've always been the fun. You've always gotten me into the best kinds of trouble, made me laugh the hardest, made me shake my fucking self and take the stick out my ass. You make me take tequila shots and dance to ridiculous music at 2am on a random Tuesday in September. Don't ever be sorry, and don't ever call yourself ordinary Boots."

"It's not ridiculous music it's…." but his kiss cut her off, silenced her, and he could feel her smiling against his open mouth as he snaked his arms around her waist and drew her close.

"I want all those things too Tex. All of it, the whole package. It's wildly fucking inappropriate to say all this right now but I'm several tequilas past caring so I'm just gonna…."

"Cal?"

"I wanna marry you someday. I wanna buy a house, with a yard, and space for Bear to roam around if Evie'll let me share dog custody. A swing for Leni and the twins, and hell for anyone else who comes along."

"What?" the look of panic on Texas' face made him snicker.

"I'm not saying I _want_ that, just that I don't _not_ want it. Forever is a long time, Tex, who knows what we'll do with the rest of our lives, right?"

"Right…." she swallowed, feeling a little winded.

"I'm gonna take you home with me now, okay?" he said, breaking the moment with a devilish grin.

"Well, I don't know, that's _very_ forward and presumptuous of you sir and…."

"Shut up."

"Ay!" she shrieked, as his landed on the back pocket of her jeans with a crack.


	32. I'm Not Perfect But I Keep Trying

**Feeling very nervous uploading this. I am rusty and unsure how this will go, but I am trying after many years to finish this epic story! If you are still around and reading and would like me to keep writing, I would really appreciate you letting me know... :)**

* * *

"I think CJ has the Stabler jaw for sure. Look, it's strong, it says I'm a boy who's going to go places and do things."

"I'd like to hope both of them will go places and do things…" smiled Olivia, wandering back into the living room with Livi on her hip. Elliot was on the floor building blocks with CJ, giving the toddler his full and undivided attention. It warmed every corner of Olivia's heart to see how easily Elliot had slipped on the weighty coat of grandfather.

"You know what I meant."

"I do."

"Did you ever think we'd get here Liv? Me and you?" he asked, leaning back against the couch and folding his arms across his now slightly expanded waist line. The stubble at his chin and jaw was salt and pepper flecked now, and his thinning hair a debonair grey.

Olivia's hair too was greying, but she was refusing to give in to the reality and continued to dye it the warm brown it had been for most of their years together. Despite all that they had faced, despite her recent health scare and the difficulties of recovery she was still beautiful. Not just to Elliot, who had always seen the sun rise and set in her face, but to all who knew her. Olivia Benson was still the same devastatingly attractive woman she had been running through the streets of New York City with her gun and her shield. Over the past few days, however, there had been a change in her. A subtle shift, and one that had brought the brightness back to her eyes and the smile to her face.

"Honestly? There were times I really didn't. I hate to say I doubted us, but it felt like a dream too far. All of it, like it was something that would happen to someone else but not to me. It hasn't been easy, nothing will ever be perfect. We've lost so much, so many along the way. I can't help feeling like if I say it out loud someone or something might come in and snatch it away."

"Say what out loud?" asked Elliot, clambering up onto the sofa and then patting the space beside him. "Come sit with me?"

"I just haven't been able to help but wonder lately whether we really might be coming close to having everything we ever wanted. And some things we didn't even realise we did."

"You've seemed more yourself again this past week."

"I've been hanging onto a lot of old hurt, El. Maybe I realised it, maybe I didn't. Either way now I'm able to admit that it was true. I think I've finally been able to move past a lot of things. I think that I'm finally seeing things from the other side."

"Calvin and Texas have reopened some old wounds, huh?" he noted, and she reached quickly for his hand and gave it a squeeze on seeing regret befall him.

"Yes, yes they have. And you know what? I actually think that that has turned out to be a good thing. For me at least. There were some things that I didn't even realise I was still carrying with me. They were heavy. It's beyond time that I left them in the past where they belong."

"Yeah?" asked Elliot, feeling that the right thing in that moment was to just let her talk. Let her let go.

"I've got the best life Elliot Stabler. However it happened, whatever it took to get there I'm there: I'm here. I got the guy. I got to marry the man I love, the man I have _always_ loved. I've gotten to raise our two beautiful children together. I've got to bring Calvin back into my life as the son I always felt him to be, and to see you come to love him because I love him."

"It's not over yet, Liv. God willing we've got so much more to come. We've got these two to spoil together now for a start."

"We do, and I'm sorry that I've lost sight of that since the operation. I'm sorry that I got lost in the past for a while there."

"Don't apologise, nothing to apologise for. You had every right to…." began Elliot but she cut him off.

"No, no I didn't. I really didn't. Elliot since the moment you chose to be with me and Evie you have been on my side, and **everything** you have done from that moment on as been for me. And for Evie, then Sammy, then Calvin and Texas and Leni and….."

"Family is everything to me…." sad Elliot simply, and though he had never had the same way with words the ones he chose in that moment said everything, "… you are everything to me."

"Come here…." said Olivia, leaning over with Livi still in her lap to kiss Elliot with the familiar tenderness that had come to be home to her.

"I love you, Liv."

"I love you too…." she echoed, planting a lingering kiss against his cheek and whispering, "… more every day."

"It'll be okay, you know. All of it, all the stuff going on. I'm not totally sure how exactly right now. I just know that our kids are strong. Our kids are two of the strongest damn people I've ever known and they're going to be just fine. Better than fine, they're going to be great."

"You know it's funny. I always saw Evie as the strong one, so self-assured, so full of purpose and direction and determination. It was always Sammy that I feared for. I thought he was softer, less sure. Even after the accident I was so scared he wouldn't find his way, you know?"

"Sure, sure I felt it too."

"But I don't worry about Sam the same way I used to anymore. He's solid, he's strong you're right. He's set this business up with Calvin and if it works out it's down to him, he's the constant, and he's the weight behind it."

"I never thought I'd hear you say that."

"How'd you mean?" she asked, but she could usually read between his lines. "Admit that Calvin isn't perfect you mean? Oh I know he's not and I'm not shy to say it. He can fix a car, sure he can, and Sammy needs that. I just don't think he's all in yet, not to the business, not to what Sam is trying to pull off there."

"I think you're underestimating your boy."

"Really?" asked Olivia, genuinely a little thrown. Even now, sometimes Elliot still managed to surprise her.

"Okay so maybe his attention isn't on totally on the shop right now. Maybe he's not giving it as much focus as Sammy deserves, but Sam needs that boy. As much as it pains me to admit it, the strength you talk about Sam having? His confidence? Tarzan is a huge part of that. He's been laying the foundations since those early days when Sammy was in the hospital starting to come to terms with the accident."

"Wow."

"Sammy might be the brains of that operation. He might be having the ideas, taking the meetings, keeping things rolling forward. But I've come to realise Calvin is doing a lot more than fixing cars behind the scenes. Quietly, in as few syllables as possible, just under the radar enough for no once to really notice."

"That's Cal…." said Olivia with a moved sigh.

"Whether I like it or not I've come to realise that that boy is the best friend our son ever had."

"You should tell him that."

"Sammy?" asked Elliot, as they sat together hand in hand on the couch and Livi snuggled contentedly against Olivia's chest and sucked her thumb.

"No, no Calvin. I know you haven't spoken to him since that day he and Evie fought at the house. Since it all came out about him and Texas."

"And with good reason."

"I know, El. Believe me I do, and I struggled with it all too. This has all been impossibly hard on Evie and I'm not condoning what Cal and Texas did. I just wish you'd at least talk to him. You said it yourself, family is everything."

"And Cal is family?" asked Elliot, but he didn't need her to answer. It was true for him too, though he admitted it with greater reluctance. "Okay, okay fine. I can't fight you and my conscience. I'll talk to him."

"Not just for me, sweetheart. For them…." gesturing towards Livi and CJ playing down on the carpet Olivia smiled lovingly.

"Full disclosure?" said Elliot, in his gruff underplayed way. "It's not just because you love him. It started out that way. Because you loved him, and then because Evie did."

"But now?"

"Oh don't make me say it…." grumbled Elliot, rolling his eyes at Olivia with a smile and sliding off the couch to resume play with CJ.

* * *

"Hey."

"Hey, hi, come in, come in…."

"How've they been?"

"Hungry, exhausting, amazing….." smiled Calvin, leading Eve into Fin's living room where the twins were contentedly watching TV, "… and they haven't been watching cartoons this whole time I swear. We've done stuff. Educational stuff."

"Cal I don't care what you did with them. I mean, I do care. What I'm trying to say is that you're their Dad and it's totally your call what you do with them when they're with you. What you do with them ever, really."

"Evie relax…." he said, reaching for her shoulder and giving it a reassuring squeeze, "… this is awkward for both of us still. I know. I get it, believe me, I'm in it too, remember?"

"I'm just not really sure how this is supposed to be, you know?" she said nervously, feeling as though she were holding every muscle taught. Still in her work clothes, with her hair scraped back in a carefully smoothed ponytail Eve's outward composure hid her inner flailing.

"Me neither."

"Can I sit for a minute?" she asked, and he cleared the toys and blankets from the couch for her to create a space. "I guess I just don't _want_ it to be awkward. I want it to be the way it was only…."

"Different?" offered Calvin, and Eve couldn't hold in a miserable sigh. "You know I'm not sure how we make this anything other than it is overnight. I'm really sorry, Evie. I know that I did this."

"No, no you didn't, we did. I mean granted you might have been a slightly heavier contributor at the end but this had started before then. I knew it had started and I didn't do anything to stop it."

"You did?" he said, devastating her with the face she still found incredibly attractive, and impossibly lovable. "And you didn't?"

"I still have all these feelings for you Calvin. They feel all thrown up in the air. Like the ticker tape in Times Square at New Years. Like everything we were, every feeling I've had all these years is just sort of up in the air and falling down around us. I can't catch it, or piece it together, or make sense of any of it. Everything's changing and I can't figure out how it's going to end up when it's done. I wish I could fast forward and know it all works out."

"You changed me, you know?"

"I did?"

"In a million ways, all for the better, and I love you for that. Whatever happens now or how this all ends up, I will _always_ love you for that Evie. I will always love you for the years we had together. For our awesome kids. For the person you helped me become and for everything you are. For being the person I could never have made completely happy."

"You did, you know. For a long time. I really was happy with you Calvin. I don't know when things started to change but I didn't see it coming. I went into this expecting forever."

"Me too."

"Maybe it was because I grew up. Maybe it was because you changed me too. I was a kid when we first met and I'm not the same person that I was back then. I've changed too."

"I don't think we'll ever know the 'why' or if it was just one thing or whole bunch of things." Calvin was, as he often did, wearing blue jeans and a white t-shirt. His uniform. He moved slowly, carefully, treading ever so delicately around her feelings.

"You know I see you with her…."

"I'm sorry about that, so sorry, truly."

"Oh! No I didn't mean that. I meant I _see_ you with her Cal. I always have I just see it through different eyes now. Texas loves you Calvin, in a way that I don't think I ever could. She loves parts of you that I could never reach, and in ways that I can never understand. You say that I've changed you but the truth is that Texas has always loved you for just exactly who you are."

"I never wanted to hurt you Evie. I never want to do anything that would hurt you and don't know how to make all this any better or easier on you now."

"I think maybe it just has to hurt. Both of us, for a while. I don't think there's any way of ripping off this band aid quickly. It's gonna be a slow peel. After all this I still want what I've always wanted and that's to see you happy Calvin. And I know now that that means you being with her. So we have to find a way to make this all work somehow."

"I want you to be happy too."

"I will be, once I figure out how to land this thing. In the meantime I have these two, and my job, and my family. That's enough for me right now while I catch my breath."

"And you have me, Bambi. Always. I'd do anything for you and our kids." This time, when he called her that, it didn't sting quite the same as it had weeks earlier. It was almost teetering on the brink of nostalgia. She wondered, cautiously, whether she dare consider that the start of healing.

"I know…." said Eve quietly, the gentle threat of hot tears showing at the corners of her eyes.

"Did I say the wrong thing?"

"No, no you big oaf you said just the right thing. As always!"

"Oh shit, give me a second?" said Calvin suddenly, as his pocket began to vibrate.

"Of course…." she insisted, shifting in her seat and making a fuss of Livi who caught her eye from the floor.

"Tex? What is it? Where are you? What's going on? Talk to me? Boots? Texas!"

"Everything okay?" swallowed Eve, when Calvin finally put the phone down in panicked desperation.

"Fine, yeah, fine. Everything's fine."

"Go."

"What?" he asked, his eyes shooting up to Eve's. Defensively he shook his head; he didn't want to make the wrong move. He didn't want to give too much away.

"Go to her, Cal."

"No, no it's fine…"

"I'm here to pick up the kids anyway. Go, now, she needs you."

And it was true, thought Calvin as he held her gaze for a long moment. Texas needed him, in a way that Evie never had. It wasn't right or wrong, it was just a truth. One truth in many that threaded together to make the tapestry they were all weaved into.

* * *

"Hi, hi there, excuse me? Hey? Buddy!"

"Wait your turn son, these ladies were here before you so…"

"I don't want a drink I need your help!" said Calvin, the intensity in his eyes and desperation on his face causing the bar tender to still.

"Everything okay, son?" he asked, sensing a dark cloud had blown in.

"I'm looking for a woman who was drinking in here tonight. She called me about a half hour ago and gave me this address. She sounded upset."

"There were a couple of girls in here doing tequila shots earlier on. One of them was absolutely wasted and I put her in a cab around 6:30. She wasn't in a good way; I thought it was for the best."

"Shit….." cursed Calvin, bringing his fist down heavily on the bar and clenching his jaw tight.

"Give me a second, son, let me go see Harvey over here he called the cab. He was the last one that spoke to her; he called the cab and put her in it while I held down the fort in here."

"Thanks, thanks sir, I'd really appreciate that."

Scanning the bar again Calvin attempted to process the information. The timings fit, the scenario was plausible, likely even, and yet something didn't sit right. He'd been here a thousand times before but this felt different. He didn't believe it. Not that he couldn't, or that he wouldn't forgive her a thousand times over if it were true. He just felt in his gut, in his heart, that she had a tighter grip this time. Texas was better than to let this trip her up. He'd been watching her like a hawk since Johnny, and he knew her tells. He knew them better than she did.

"So I just spoke to Harvey and…."

"You said there were two girls."

"What?"

"You said there were two girls doing tequila shots. What happened to the other one?"

"I don't know she just disappeared after we put her friend in the cab. She wasn't drunk though. Actually it was strange, she was the life and soul, but I actually caught her dumping the tequila out her shots and just throwing back the empty glasses with the other woman and…."

"Fucks sake man you didn't think to mention that earlier!"

"You said…."

"Never mind! Look _that's_ my girl, the one faking it, where did she go?"

"No idea."

Rolling his eyes heavenward and holding tight onto his fists to prevent them taking aim at the oblivious bar tender Calvin thanked him for his time and after one final scan of the room left the bar. Stepping outside into the evening he checked his phone again to see now messages or calls and tried Texas' cell again to get her voicemail. Scanning the parking lot he considered his next move. Setting off walking he had gone right around the longer side of the building and started to feel a sense of rising panic when, quiet and unassuming, he came upon a figure sat on the curb beside the glass trash bins.

"What the hell happened Boots?"

"Well you sure took your sweet time…" she said, her voice soft, rasping, entirely devoid of malice or accusation as she looked up at him. Squinting slightly against the drizzle, threatening full rain, and hugging her knees tighter into her chest.

"The fugitive was harder to find than first expected…." said Calvin slowly, calmly, sitting himself down on the curb beside her and leaning over to nudge her shoulder with his, "… you might wanna answer your fucking cell next time you're awaiting rescue."

"Battery died."

"Go figure."

"Está lloviendo"

"Correct."

"Should we get in the truck?"

"Nope, nah, we're not moving an inch until you've talked me through this."

"We'll get wet."

"We're waterproof."

"I didn't get the job. I didn't get any of the jobs, but today I didn't even get a job waiting tables at a place where the tables were basically petri dishes and I'm fairly sure I've seen the manager getting waited on by one of the girls down…."

"Damn it I'm sorry Tex. What happened?"

"I can be the best damn waitress in the state and they're never gonna hire me. I can be the best damn anything and they'll never hire me. I'm Latina with a criminal record. I'm officially unemployable."

"Fuck this is all my fault…." murmured Calvin, leaning forward and putting his face in his hands. Texas sat quietly, there was nothing to be said that hadn't been said a thousand times already. He knew it wasn't true, and he knew it angered her to have him blame himself.

"I went outside afterwards to smoke and got talking to one of the girls who worked there and just got off shift. We had a lot in common. It felt good to talk to someone who didn't know me and all my crap. She suggested going for a drink and I said no at first, but then I thought what the hell."

"So you came here?"

"We had a good time, it was fun. I feel bad I overestimated her and it turned out she couldn't hold her tequila."

"You got her drunk, is what you're saying here?" smirked Calvin, unable to help himself so honest was her account of events.

"But I didn't take a single shot myself. I think we're focusing on the wrong thing here. I stayed sober."

"So why'd you call me?" he asked, knowing instinctively that there was more going on.

"I watched to see they put her in the cab okay and then I was about to leave and head home. Turns out I did recognise the guy who owned the restaurant. I also recognised four of his friends. They were heading back into the bar and….." lowering her eyes, making herself small, Texas shrank into the curb and swallowed grimly, "… they recognised me."

"Hey, here, come here…." said Calvin firmly, placing his arm around her shoulder and drawing her tight into his chest. Holding her close he kissed her hair repeatedly.

"Me sentí avergonzado e incómodo…."

"Don't you dare, don't you dare Boots. You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about and whatever those sick fuckers said to you they're gonna get their reply from me so…"

"Your Spanish is improving…" she sniffed, her black lined eyes twinkling across at him through the darkness. "They only wanted more of what they'd already had. Me, any time, any place, any way. Just business right? You can't beat the crap out of them for that Cal. They paid in full."

"And when will you have paid in full, Tex?" he asked quietly, sadly, pushing hair from her eyes so he could take in her whole face. So that he could fully share in all the pain it held. "When will it all stop chasing you, babe?"

"Maybe never?" she shrugged, answering sadly. "I just have to get better at dealing with it. Feeling that away again, going back in my mind to that place. Remembering that person I used to be. That person I maybe still am in part."

"No, no you…. "

"I don't think we can ever run far enough from our past that it'll be completely forgotten, mi alma. It's who we are; it's a part of us. It'll be a part of us forever."

"What happened after those guys heckled you Tex?" he asked, narrowing pale eyes and reading her like a well-thumbed book.

"I spent my subway fare and every other dollar I had on me….." leaning forward slightly Texas reached into the back pocket of her jeans and pulled out a tiny transparent baggie, containing two white tablets, "… buying these."

"Oxy?"

"Si…" she said quickly, quietly, deliberately turning away. Fixing her eyes on the distance, the unknown, the darkness, she waited.

"Hey, oi?" jostling her, he reached around and grabbed her face. Holding it fast in his paw like hands Calvin ducked and moved his head until he had forced her to give him her eyes. "Then what happened? Then what'd you do?"

"Called you."

"Why?"

"Because I wanted you. Because I wanted you to come and hold me, take those off me. Because I wanted you to help me stay strong and sober and clean. Because I needed you."

"You stayed strong all by yourself Boots. I'm glad you called though. That's the right thing. That's what I want you to do: always."

"I went to bar Calvin. I got sad and discouraged and frustrated and my answer to that was to go to a bar with a total stranger knowing full well I was putting myself in a vulnerable situation. I knew how close it would put me to drinking and I still went. Then I let those guys take me low enough to buy, I let them take me back to a place in my head that made me want to use."

"But you didn't drink and you didn't use. Even in a bar, even with gear in your back pocket. I think we're focusing on the wrong thing here."

"Touché…" she said drily, flashing him a reluctant smile from the side of her mouth.

"So you didn't get the job, so you got some shit thrown at you by a bunch of losers. It's hard, it's fucked up, and it's probably not the last time either of those things will happen."

"Ay! Aren't you just a little ray of sunshine Arliss."

"And if it happens again, you'll stay strong and you'll call me and I'll come. I'll come get you, Tex, I'll come find you wherever you are, wherever you go. I'll be here every single step, every single day, every single time and well walk through all of this together."

"The same goes for me too, guapo. I mean it."

"I know you do, Boots. And I know just how much. That time you did was mine. That record you've got should have been mine."

"Does it bother you? Be honest with me, brutally honest, does it bother you how many men I've been with? All the things I've done…."

"Yes, yeah, yeah it does."

"I…." it was not the answer she had expected, and it rendered Texas unusually silent.

"Because I didn't stop it, Tex. I knew what was happening. For years I knew. You were my best friend, you were my family and I should've done something, done anything, done everything I could to stop it. I've always said I'd do murder to keep you safe Boots but I turned a blind eye to the whoring and to Johnny and won't ever forgive myself for that."

"Ay cariño none of that is on you. You couldn't have stopped me even if you wanted to. When you were little Johnny would've killed you and then you'd have been no good to me anyway. When you were older so was I, and I was hell bent and determined. You did everything you could. You did more for me than any other human being ever has. You still do."

"Don't ever do it again, Tex. Promise me?"

"Cal…."

"Swear it Tex. I know you, I know you better than anyone remember. I know what you did to try and keep Leni."

"We weren't together when I slept with that lawyer. I needed him and I couldn't pay him any other way. I did what I thought I had to, what I thought was right in the moment. I did the only thing I could think of to try to keep my daughter."

"And I don't judge you for that. I don't care about that now, it's done, and it's gone. What I'm asking is now, from now, from here on out. I want you to promise me that whatever happens, however fucked up things get, whatever the circumstances…."

"What are you saying Cal?" she asked, dark eyes dancing.

"We're not just friends anymore Tex. We're not just drinking buddies, fuck buddies, kids messing around and trying to survive life. I love everything about you. All your fire and your crazy, all your jump first think later. I love you just exactly the way you are but you're not doing this on your own anymore. I don't wanna change you, and I sure as hell don't wanna try own you like J did. But I wanna be your partner. I want us to be a proper relationship Tex and that means we _both_ do things different."

"¿Cómo…?"

"Just exactly how you did tonight. I'm your first call, and you're mine. We talk about things, we talk about everything. We decide things together. We make plans together. We take shit on _together,_ whatever comes at us, and whatever happens. We do it as a team, as partners. No being a hero, no hiding things, no doing stupid shit in secret to try and protect the other person. We're honest, we're open, we're partners."

"Partners."

"And it's the God's honest truth when I say I don't care about your past because most of it is my past too. It doesn't matter how many guys you've been with before me Boots but it matters a hell of a lot that there are no more after. I need to be the last guy, the only guy that you're ever with again…." reaching for her hands, then her cheek, Calvin held it in his fingertips and choked, "… because I won't share you Texas. I can't. It'd break my fucking heart."

"I'm yours now Arliss, only yours….." she whispered, leaning forward and kissing him long and hard, "…se lo prometo, you have my word."

"I love you like fucking breathing Texas Mendoza…." he choked, kissing her again.

"Give me those…." she said, reaching forward and grabbing the clear little bag from the sidewalk.

"Where are you going?" he asked, following her just one step behind back through the rear entrance to the bar.

"Con permiso! Ay disculpa!" weaving her way down the corridor Texas barged into the men's bathroom, simply because they were the closest, threw the packet down the nearest toilet and flushed.

"Is she with you?" asked a random man, from his place at the urinal. He looked to Calvin with a strange mix of envy and disbelief as Texas barged her way back out of the bathroom in a cloud of perfume and determination.

"Yes, yes she is…." smiled Calvin with a flash of amusement and pride, grabbing for Texas' wrist with one hand to slow her down and waving to the man with his other.

"You can drive me home now, guapo!" yelled Texas decisively, heading with purpose out the back door to find his truck.

"Actually I think _I'm_ with _her_ …." said Calvin under his breath, taking deep lungful's of night air in the safe knowledge that they had weathered another storm and their foundations had held strong.


	33. I've Looked At Love From Both Sides Now

**Just a note to say that it has recently come to my attention that Kathy ought to be with a K and not a C. I've written it with a C for so long in this story however that now in my head that's how it should be for this Cathy at least. Apologies to anyone for whom it grates – but I think I might as well just stick with it now!**

 **Also I really am just letting this ebb and flow its way to conclusion and the amount of air time, so to speak, that each character or pairing gets within each chapter is slightly arbitrary. Fear not, however, I will do my best to ensure that they all get the ending and closure they deserve. I am also open to hearing any requests as we meander to a close :)**

* * *

"Olivia, hi!"

"Oh wow, it smells like heaven in here!" exclaimed Olivia, as the most delicious smells drifted out of Texas' apartment and she answered the door in her cooking apron. "Is it a bad time?"

"For _you_ to visit?" asked Texas, her whole face lighting up. "Never!"

"You look really, really good sweetheart."

"Olivia!" came a roar across the carpet as Elena charged from the kitchen waving her wooden spoon. "Te va a encantar esta comida que estoy guisando!"

"Ermm…."

"She's doing pretty great with both her languages she just hasn't quite figured out when to use which. Apparently that takes a while. I've done a lot of Googling. Anyways she says you're gonna love her chilli, come on, come in and sit with us…" instructed Texas, gesturing to a seat at their tiny two seater kitchen table that was covered with ingredients and used items of cookware.

"Sure, sure I can do that…." smiled Olivia warmly, heartened to see how engaged and alive Texas was. A completely different woman to the one Olivia had picked up from jail hollowed out and defeated.

"You want something to drink?" asked Texas, throwing open the fridge with a flourish and showcasing its contents with a sweeping arm gesture. "We have seventy four different kids of juice, soda and if you're feeling muy adventurous I think we've even got some root beer."

"Juice sounds great, I'm easy on the which."

"We're cooking Mama's famous chilli. It's so tasty. I'm learning how to do it, aren't I Mama?"

"You sure are, mija, and you're doing such a good job."

"¿Quisieras ayudarme?" asked Leni, as Texas helped her clamber back up onto her chair beside the stove.

"I would love to, shall I come stand with you?" asked Olivia, getting up from her seat and replacing Texas as the two hands ensuring Elena was safely grounded at her post. "No Gil or Nick here with Leni this time?"

"I'm earning back my privileges…." explained Texas, lolling against the counter and watching Olivia coo and fuss so tenderly over her daughter. There was never a moment that she allowed Elena to feel any less her grandchild than Livi and CJ and Texas felt blessed beyond all heaven for that. "Gil has agreed to unsupervised visits on a trial basis. He sometimes drops in on us unannounced."

"Really?"

"He doesn't stay long or interfere. Just a quick sweep for weapons and needles and then…." seeing the horror on Olivia's face and her brown eyes widen Texas added hurriedly, "… I'm kidding, I'm kidding, es una broma."

"That can't be easy, sweetheart. How're you feeling about it all?" said Olivia gently, and it amazed her to see Texas' guard visibly drop.

"I don't mind so much. He's just doing what he has to as her dad. No matter what I'm doing now, how hard I'm trying or what number I have on my sober chip I still have a terrible track record. I know full well that I've been a liability for longer than I've been able to be trusted with her."

"That's not fair, you're too hard on yourself. You've made some mistakes, sure, but show me a mom that hasn't. You're doing great, really, truly. Don't underestimate that, don't underestimate yourself."

"Thank you. Look, anyway, here we are going on and on about me. How are you? How's that new kidney working out for you, huh?" as Texas held her eyes, starting intently at her waiting for the answer Olivia couldn't help but stifle a laugh. This woman's spirit was as resilient as it was irresistible.

"My new kidney and I are just fine thanks…." choosing her words carefully around an increasingly aware Elena she added, "… and I'm doing a lot better in general."

"Well that's good. More than good, it's necessary. You know there isn't one single person in this family that could even _imagine_ a world without you in it Olivia."

"I'm not sure that's true, but either way none of you need worry I'm not going anywhere."

"You know Cal will be pissed he missed you but they don't usually wrap up at the shop until gone six and then he's going straight out for the night with Sammy."

"Sam told me so I picked today deliberately. I can see Calvin another time but I came to spend some time with you girls."

"Well we love having you here anytime, don't we Leni?"

"You can come see my new dinosaur if you like Olivia? It's in my room."

"I tell you what mija, how about you jump down from there and go get your toy and bring it here for Olivia to see instead."

"She's absolutely fantastic, Texas…." said Olivia, when Elena had dashed off to fetch her toy to show off. "And how about you, huh?"

"How about me?" asked Texas, a rare flash of coy befalling her as she saw the twinkle in Olivia's eyes and attempted to gauge exactly what she was being asked.

"Calvin's happy Texas. Lighter, standing taller than he has since he came back from Bragg and he's smiling again."

"I don't know what to say about that…." confessed Texas guiltily, lowering her eyes and drawing the sleeves of her sweater down over her hands self-consciously, "… about the whole situation. I know not everyone is happy. I know she's your daughter."

"And you are my friend, Texas…." said Olivia with that quiet, calm love that brought sudden hot tears of overwhelming to the younger woman's eyes, "… you're family too."

"I'm scared, Olivia."

"Of what sweetheart?" asked Olivia gently, taking a pause from stirring the chilli to reach for Texas' forearm. Wrapping her fingers around it, she grabbed her other hand and held both fast. "What are you scared of?"

"Everything good I ever had went away. It died, or it left, or I screwed it up somehow. I don't deserve all this. Being with Calvin, getting Leni back. It's too much. It's too good. I keep looking over my shoulder."

"Oh my love…." breathed Olivia, reaching out and pulling Texas into her arms. Hugging her tight she said firmly, "If only you knew how badly you **do** deserve all this. How you deserve happiness more than most."

"He's the one thing I couldn't stand to lose. Him and Leni….." drawing back, fixing Olivia with eyes black with the terror filled thought of it Texas whispered, "… I wouldn't survive it."

"You won't lose them, either of them. They're not going anywhere…." wiping a single tear from Texas' cheek with the back of her hand Olivia vowed, "… and neither am I. I promise you."

* * *

"Is it wrong that I'm disappointed he didn't fall in love with an indoor sport?"

"Oh come on Cath you're a seasoned professional at this by now. How many hours have we spent on the side lines cheering over the years? Remember Maureen's ice hockey phase? Now _that_ was boring. At least soccer I can just about follow the rules."

"I thought you quite enjoyed the ice hockey. Running up and down hitting people angrily with a big stick. It's your kind of sport, El."

"Hey!"

"Enjoy the moment, Dad. How often do we get to watch him play these days, huh?"

"You're right, it's nice."

"How're you doing anyway? I spoke to Eve the other day. You've all had a tough time of it lately with Olivia's operation and Evie and Cal splitting."

"It's not been our best few months."

"How is Olivia doing?"

"Better, way better. I think she's almost back to her old self."

"Evie seemed like she was just about hanging in there too. I hope you don't mind that I met up with her."

"Mind?" asked Elliot, smiling warmly. "Cathy I think it's awesome. Who the hell would ever have thought we'd get here, huh?"

"It's been a long road, and not always an easy one. You've fit a lot of life into your years Elliot Stabler. Raising two families consecutively would exhaust anyone. And being as part of all your children's lives as you've managed to stay is no mean feat. I probably don't give you enough credit for that."

"Keep talking…." he teased, and Cathy rolled her eyes. It was strange thought Elliot, how time was writing itself over all their faces and in recent years he had started to notice it more than ever. Cathy wore her hair short now, that was new, he observed. It was snow white and made her look a shade like his mother. He quickly pushed that thought aside.

"How's Olivia's recovery going? She getting back on her feet?"

"The trouble has always been keeping Liv off her feet. She's hands down the worst patient in the history of the world."

"I would argue there's another contender for that particular crown…." said Cathy, smirking knowingly in his direction. "I'm glad to hear it though. That was scary there for a while. For all of us."

"You're a good egg, Cathy Stabler…." he smiled, leaning sideward and jostling her shoulder fondly as they stood leaning against the pitch fencing.

"That's what's so hard for Evie right now."

"What's that?" asked Elliot, his attention refocusing to see the sudden sadness in Cathy's demeanour.

"When all the anger subsides, when you're done being furious and wronged and you've licked your wounds. You look and see how happy they are, how right it is. Despite everything you still want the best for them…." finding familiar icy blue eyes Cathy's heart sighed, "… you still love them."

"Wow."

"It's different than before, time takes the edge off, but it's still there. It hurt like hell to lose you to Olivia all those years ago, but even back then I knew it had to happen. Fighting it was pointless, futile. It was meant to be. She was your future, she was your happiness. She still is. I hope that Eve can find that same peace eventually. Maybe one day she'll stand on the side-lines with Calvin watching CJ play ball and realise she can't even imagine, let alone remember, him not being with Texas."

* * *

"What about her, she looks friendly."

"Friendly?" smirked Sam, taking a sip of his beer and turning subtly around to get a look at the girl Calvin had passed comment on. She was wearing a pink bodycon dress, high at the thigh and low at the neck. She was absolutely stunning and way out of his league.

"What?" asked Calvin, poker faced and eyes afire with mischief.

"Friendly?" repeated Sam, rolling his eyes. "You're a bad influence Arliss."

"But I'm a fucking great wingman, I brought you here didn't I? Have you not already seen at least three ladies you'd invest some serious time in already?"

"I dunno, man. I've been out of the game a long time. Travelling doesn't count, everyone's up for it travelling."

"Oh is that right? Something tells me you haven't told me everything about your adventures below the border my friend!" laughed Calvin, taking a couple of gulps of his beer and smiling broadly at Sam. It felt so good, so right that they were both back in New York and partners in crime once more.

"I wouldn't wanna make you jealous….." quipped Sam, throwing a smile across the bar at a blonde who had deliberately tried to catch his eye. "I'm not sure you could handle it what with your delicate sensibilities."

"Right, right probably not, I do offend easily."

"You gonna get another round in then or what?"

"You're not done with that one yet, Thirsty!" heckled Calvin, finishing his own drink and then realising he was far from managing to hold his friend's attention. "Oh, oh I see. You'd like me to vacate my seat would you? Make room for Blondie over there to make her way over here?"

"Mine's the same again."

"On it!" called Calvin, making a deliberate show of getting up from his chair with a clatter and heading toward the bar.

"Hi there…"

"Hi?" said Calvin, semi ignoring the two girls swaying in his direction to his right and moving deliberately to the left to give them more room.

"What're you doing here?"

"Ordering beer."

"Will we see you on the dance floor later?"

"Nope."

"You're lucky you look like you do, because you're not very friendly."

"I'm friendly enough I just don't dance."

"What's your name?" asked the pretty brunette, batting her false lashes and pursing thick lined lips suggestively. Calvin ran a hand through his hair, it was growing long again after the buzz cut at Bragg, and it kept falling in his eyes.

"Calvin."

"I'm Brianna and she's Beth. You here alone or?"

"Nope, with my friend over there. In fact actually why don't you to ladies come join us…." thought Calvin suddenly, sensing a missed opportunity and seeing that Sam's mystery blonde had failed to join him in his absence.

"Sure, sure we'd love that!"

"Shall I sit by you?" asked Brianna, and as the bar tender delivered the beers Calvin felt her hand slide down the small of his back and settle below his belt with a squeeze.

"Ah, okay, so you are more than welcome to sit by me but you should know my man Sam over here is the single one. I'm taken and so unfortunately you're gonna need to reclaim that hand."

"How taken is taken?"

"Huh?"

"You said you're with someone but that doesn't always have to be a deal breaker after a couple of drinks, right? Ever heard of what they don't know won't hurt them?"

"I have, but trust me she'll know and in this case it'll be _you_ getting hurt. Believe me you aren't ready to take on the woman I belong to."

"It's so unfair that you're even sexier being all defensive and loyal. You're fun though and your friend is cute too, so sure, sure we'll come sit with you."

* * *

"I can't do it!"

"Hey! Hey don't you throw that pencil at me Elena…." said Calvin firmly, lifting his eyebrows and pointing a demanding finger at the floor, "… pick it up, please?"

"It's stupid."

"Pick up the pencil please Leni…." he insisted, refusing to give in to a smile despite how cute she was when she was petulant and pouting. She was a tiny version of her mother.

"It's making my tummy sad…." reluctantly retrieving the pencil from where she'd thrown it Leni slumped back down in her little chair and sniffed back a tear. "It's too hard."

"Try again, baby….." softer now, leaning down from his awkward perch on the plastic chair tiny against his giant frame Calvin echoed, "….intenta otra vez."

"Okay."

"Lo hiciste bien…." said Calvin encouragingly, when Leni managed to get most of the letters of her name down on paper, even if a couple where back to front, "….bien hecho."

"I come see you…." said the little girl, eyes twinkling with pride at gaining Calvin's praise and approval, "… can I sit?"

"Course, sure, come on then…." he chuckled lovingly, scooping her up into his lap and brushing strands of wispy black hair from her big brown eyes. "Don't quit, Legs. You're smart, you're real smart. Don't give up okay?"

"It's hard…." came the quiet protest, as Leni curled herself into Calvin's chest and nuzzled her face into his shirt.

"I know it is. But you know what, baby, sometimes things are hard. And sometimes the hard things turn out to be the best things. You just gotta stick with them. You keep trying, even if you don't get it right the first time or the second time or even the hundredth time. You keep trying and you don't quit until you can write your name perfect all by yourself with no dots, no help from me."

"Do you have to do hard things too?" wriggling in her seat, straightening her back and pushing the hair from her eyes Elena looked up at him curiously.

"All the time, being a grown up is hard all the time."

"But _what_ hard things do you do?"

"Mmm let me think…." he said, stroking at her long hair down her back and searching for an answer that would make sense to her. Something that would encourage her to walk a different path in school, and in life, than he had. "Okay so I'm trying to learn Spanish, right? Your mama and papa can speak it no problem, and write it down too. You're _awesome_ at your Spanish and you find it kinda easy, right?"

"Si…" she grinned.

"Well it's hard for me. Sometimes I can't think of the right word for something. I can write down English but it's hard for me to remember the Spanish words and spellings. Your mom corrects me _all the time_ and I find that really frustrating. Just like when you're trying to write your name and your spellings. It's annoying and it makes me mad, but I keep trying. It's hard but it's important to me that I can speak the same languages as you and your mom and so I don't quit."

"I can help you…." she whispered, squishing her little nose into his cheek so that she could speak directly into his year, "… and I won't even tell mama. It can be our secret."

"You got yourself a deal, Legs. I help you with your English spelling and you help me with my Spanish."

"What are you two whispering about in here?" asked Texas. "It's past your bedtime, mija."

"I don't want to go to bed because when I wake up Uncle Calvin will be gone…." said Leni, clinging a little tighter.

"But he'll come back, Leni. You can see him again really, really soon but you have to go to sleep now. Your papa and abuelo are taking you to the movies tomorrow, remember? You don't want to be so tired you fall asleep in the theatre do you?"

"Come on Legs, you go get into bed and I'll come and tuck you in."

"Thank you…." mouthed Texas, as Calvin shepherded Elena toward her bedroom.

* * *

"I should go soon."

"I wish you didn't have to. I kind of agree with Leni on that one. I wish we didn't have to wake up without you."

"I've got the twins tomorrow night at Fin's place. Eve's going to some work thing till late. Come over?"

"Are you just inviting me over there so I cook for you Arliss?" she asked with a smile, but they both knew she would be there without being asked twice. "Any requests?"

"Anything that comes out of your kitchen is fine by me Boots."

"You look tired, guapo…." she noted, tracing circles across his forehead with her fingertips as they sat together on the sofa. "I know you're running around in circles trying to do everything right now. The car shop, living at Fins, seeing the twins, coming over here to see Leni and me. You'll burn yourself out."

"I'm fine, that's all fine. I'm all good, just not sleeping great lately."

"Oh yeah?" sitting herself up a little Texas frowned with concern, "¿Qué pasa?"

"Lo mismo de siempre …." then puzzling Calvin looked to her and furrowed a questioning brow, "… right?"

"Si, muy bien."

"You sleeping any better?" he asked, in the easy quiet that they had always held together. "You used to be pretty much nocturnal. I remember sitting up with you for hours at the old place just talking. Kinda like now I guess."

"It's harder sober." She answered honestly.

"You used to wake up screaming….." he recalled, stroking lightly at her upper arm lost in the past, "… and I'd see the terror in your eyes and I wanted so badly to help you but I didn't get it. I didn't get it until it started happening to me."

"Yeah?" she asked softly, knowing to tread gently, carefully, not to scare away the nerve it had taken him to open up.

"I've done things, Tex. Things no one knows about. Things I never told anyone before. They keep me awake at night."

"Afghanistan?" she whispered, pressing a kiss against his temple and moving her hands to stroke at his chest. "I remember your letters."

"It makes grown men cry Tex….." he said, squaring his jaw against the words, against the emotion lodged at the back of his throat threatening to choke him, "… just lie awake at night, just the stars and darkness. The dark."

"Mi amor…." she soothed, reaching a light touch to his face, as his tears stunned her.

"I missed you. I wanted you. I needed you so fucking badly. Needed to tell you the things that made me feel so fucking ashamed to even be alive…." turning his head, finding her dark brown gaze he repeated, "… things I can never take back."

"I had no idea…." she mouthed, realising that likely neither did anyone else. He had been quiet on his return, but that weight had seemed to lift, the clouds to part, and no one had questioned it. She cursed herself for not having looked closer. "Cal you can talk about it you know? You don't have to, but if you want to, if you need to. You should know that there's nothing you can't tell me, and there's nothing you could ever tell me that I can't handle. You trust that right? You trust that if there is one good thing to come out of the life I've lived it's that I don't scare easily when things get dark and fucked up. I can handle it. Maybe I can even help."

"I should've told Evie."

"Yeah, yeah you should've."

"I don't know why I didn't."

"Is that where all this started? Where it started to go wrong for the two of you?" asked Texas, wondering how long he had been wanting to have this conversation and cursing herself for not having asked more questions.

"I dunno. I wanted to talk to her, or maybe I didn't. I always tried to protect her. Be strong for her. She's not like you Tex…."

"She's stronger than you give her credit for."

"I guess I didn't give her chance to be, huh?" he acknowledged, regret befalling him so gravely it made her own throat tighten.

"Did you talk to Olivia?"

"How could I?" he laughed, grimly, so shattered and shaken it broke her heart. "She fixes people and I was destroying them. She puts the bandages on and I was making people bleed. She helps people run from violence and I **was** the fucking violence Tex…."

"Shhh, shhh it's okay…." stroking his hair, his face, she deliberately pressed her body into his, knowing he needed that closeness.

"I killed people, Tex. Shot 'em, watched them drop like fucking bowling pins. There were kids out there, who saw things that no kid should ever see. They wanted our pens, and cookies and these gross little candy things we had in ration packs. They wanted our attention. They thought we were there to make it all stop but we were fucking **causing** most of it….."

"¡Dios mío!" she murmured, grabbing for him, pulling him hard into her and holding him as tight as she possibly could. "You cry all you want, mi amor. You cry hard and you cry ugly. I got you."

"Don't let go…." the noise that came from him, his face buried in her neck was guttural, primal. His soul was wailing and it came out at a low and bone chilling groan.

"I won't let go, I won't let go, te lo prometo."

"I'm sorry, fuck, fuck I'm so sorry…."

"Don't! Don't you dare! You have _nothing_ to be sorry for, don't you apologise to me. Only maybe for not talking to me like this sooner, maybe for not letting me all the way in _months ago_ Calvin so that I could hold you like this then. How fucking long have you carried all this alone, mi amor?"

"I need you, Texas…." pulling back, his eyes red and raw, wide and soulful he choked, "… you're in my veins. You're part of me. Your letters? You kept me alive out there. You didn't know, but you're how I survived it. All of it."

"I….."

"Since I was just a kid. You're what got me through. You still are."

"You're what gets me through too."

"I don't know why all this is coming out now. I didn't mean it to. I'm just so fucking tired it's making it weirdly easier to be honest."

"I guess maybe it has a way of making it harder to keep everything locked up."

"I fucked it up, with Evie, I know I did. I didn't lie, I didn't try to deceive anyone. I really did love her. I didn't know what it was that I felt for you, only that it never went away and then one day I realised it had turned into something else. Something that would **never** go away."

"You have _got_ to stop tearing yourself apart over this Cal. Please, please God stop punishing yourself. Don't you see that you have as much right to be happy as anyone else?"

"Maybe….."

"You know your Livia told me that. She told me I deserve to be happy and I choose to believe her. This life is too messed up to throw happiness away when you're holding it in your hands."

"I don't wanna go back to Fin's."

"You can stay here as long as you want, take your time."

"No, no I mean I don't want to go back there at all. Not tonight or tomorrow morning or any time after that. I want to stay here Tex….." turning to face her, nuzzling his nose against hers and finding her lips to kiss Calvin added, "… with you."

"You mean move in?"

"Is that crazy? I know it's probably a little crazy. It's soon, too soon. We're supposed to be taking things slow. You need space and time and it's a stupid idea, it just popped into my head, so just, forget…"

"Let me talk to Leni?"

"Legs?"

"It's another change for her. I want to make sure she's comfortable with you moving in here full time. I want her to feel like she has a voice and a say in the choices I make that affect her."

"Tex…"

"But it isn't a change for me. I don't need time and space from you, in fact the very worst times of my life have been when I've had both of those things. Waking up with you, living with you, coming home to check you haven't done anything too stupid that day? That's not starting something new for us Calvin it's coming full circle. It's not crazy to me, it's finally being home."

"Home…." he sighed with relief, leaning his forehead against hers and breathing slowly in and out, "… home."

"I should probably speak to Nick too, it's his name on the lease. He got me this place, he and Gil."

"The least you deserved after the way they've treated you…"

"But still, it's the right thing to do."

"Can I stay tonight?" he asked, kissing both cheeks and then finding her mouth. Curling his arms back around her he drew her in, deepening their embrace and knowingly weakening her resolve.

"Ay!..." she moaned, still kissing him while extracting herself from his arms. "¡Ni a balazos! Guapo no…." wriggling free she stood up from the couch and held her hands at her hips, "…. once I've spoken to Leni."

"I'll message you in the morning…" he smiled, wandering over to grab his coat from the neighbouring chair and then kissing her goodbye.

"Message me tonight, or call me. If you're awake. If you need to talk…." holding his gaze she smiled, "… I'll always pick up."

"Me too. Sleep tight, Boots."


	34. A Change To Set You Free

"This one?"

"Does it come in black or grey?"

"Mija your entire wardrobe is in black and grey. What's wrong with a little colour?" asked Texas, rummaging through the clothing rail. "I think you'd suit blue, or maybe a green."

"I like black and grey…" grumbled Sam, repositioning his chair so that he could better reach the selection of t-shirts and sweaters a few feet away from Texas. "No one can take offence, no one notices black and grey."

"This one, this is it, this is the one…"

"It's red."

"It's eggplant. It's dark, in fact it's basically black if you squint a little. It's a start, mija. Come on, try it on…." everything about Texas tone and stance told Sam that she wasn't about to take 'no' for an answer, and so he took the shirt from her. Resting it in his lap he wheeled reluctantly towards the fitting room.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course…" she said, the heels of her boots clacking along beside him, her perfume dancing in the air.

"I'm kind of an awkward person. Not so much shy, I don't mind talking to people, I can talk. I'm not totally incoherent. I'm just not comfortable. Around new people, in new situations. I get all nervous and flustered and even in the bar when we met Beth I let Calvin do most of the talking."

"Ay! Then it's a wonder you managed any conversation at all!" she cackled in amusement, taking up a perch outside the fitting room as he paused before entering.

"You're not shy…." he noted, a flat smile finding his mouth.

"No, no that's true I suppose. Maybe it's the Latin in me, maybe its fight or flight I've learned over time. Be careful though, a lot of times when you see people confident they're faking it. As for dating, I'm pretty sure it makes most people nervous. Humans are hard work."

"You flirt with everyone all the time."

"Hey!" balked Texas, her thick dark brows drawing inward as she looked down at Sam.

"No! No you know what I mean."

"I know what you mean…." she sighed, rolling her eyes and accepting herself. Maybe she was finally learning to feel inside the confidence she radiated out, "… relax Sammy. Attracting members of the opposite sex, hell attracting members of either sex, has never been my problem. Ask me about relationships though and that's another story."

"You're with Cal though now, and that seems to be going great."

"He doesn't count; we've been annoying each other forever."

"Yeah but it's different now. You're playing for keeps this time. I know you two have been kind of on off before, you've fooled around, but you weren't a couple. Finding a partner, sharing your life with someone for good, that's the major leagues."

"Okay now you're freaking _me_ out. Can we go back to talking about your issues?" laughed nervously Texas, coming as close as she ever would to a blush.

"Sorry…."

"I was awkward with Gil. I was convinced he was way too good for me. I didn't know what to say, and once I'd said it I was mentally beating myself up because I thought it was too stupid or made me sound bad. Trust me Sammy it's not you, this isn't easy. It's worth it though, what if Beth turns out to be a really good thing?"

"Okay, okay fine I'll try on the damn shirt!" laughed Sam, still smiling as he headed into the fitting room. Texas sat herself down outside, reapplied her lipstick, and waited patiently.

"Was I right?" she asked, moments later when Sam re-emerged.

"No."

"Not even a little bit?"

"Nope."

"Liar…." grinned Texas with delight as she tottered after Sammy, who was wheeling at pace towards the cash desk. "So now you have something to wear no excuses. You need to ask her on a proper date."

"She's coming over to the car shop tomorrow, but that's not a date."

"Si, cierto. You need to take her someplace classy. You need to tell her to dress up and then you wear this shirt and some real shoes."

"Real shoes?"

"You can tell a lot about a guy by his shoes."

"I'm pretty sure I've only ever seen Cal in…."

"Not a good example…." said Texas, chewing on her lip and then flashing a smile as though she were sharing mischief with Sammy, "… that boy is lucky he's got such a pretty face and he knows all my secrets. His choice of footwear is always terrible."

"I think I could really like Beth. I know we just met in a bar and I couldn't say for sure yet, obviously. I just have this feeling. I have this feeling around her."

"I always wondered if your accident…."

"Texas!"

"What?" she asked, with a shocking expression of innocence for someone who was far from it. "Oh you weren't talking about a feeling in your little Sammy were you?"

"I've had sex since the accident. Sex as got me in a shit load of trouble since the accident. There is, trust me, nothing wrong with my _giant_ Sammy or its little swimmers."

"You're funny."

"I try."

"I mean it, mija. You're smart and you're funny. You've got your mother's cheekbones and your Dad's jawline. You're kind and you're sensitive and you're stronger than you realise. The lady that gets to play the major leagues with you should consider herself damn lucky Sam Stabler."

"Thanks Tex…." he said, grabbing for her wrist and giving it a squeeze. She turned around, their eyes met, and they smiled at one another in mutual appreciation of their friendship and how much it meant to them both.

"So if you weren't talking about sex…."

"Possibility."

"Yeah?" she smiled, tipping her head as they continued to stand in line waiting to pay. "How's that?"

"Coming home from travelling, having a better feeling of who I am and what I want. Knowing Leah has moved on, and that chapter of my life is closed. I have a job, I love working with Cal and we're starting to build some momentum as a business. Then meeting Beth, talking to her in that bar, I just had a feeling like it could be something. Like all this could be something. I guess, well, like this could finally be my life starting to take some shape."

* * *

"Hi!"

"You're on time!"

"You say that like I'm always late…." said Eve, and then meeting her mother's eyes she dissolved into a soft giggle, "…okay, _okay,_ you don't have to give me the Mom Eyes."

"I wasn't sure how long you'd have so I ordered already. Chicken Caesar light mayo no croutons and a ginger ale?"

"Perfect…." sighed Eve, soaking in her mother's appearance and smiling broadly to see how well she looked, "… thanks. What're you having?"

"I'm going for the steak salad this time and they can throw all the dressing on it they want. I wish you wouldn't lose any more weight, sweetheart. You're absolutely gorgeous just the way you are, and you're tinier than you were before you had the twins now. So for me, to stop an old lady worrying, maybe consider adding back in the croutons next time?"

"Oh Mom you don't have to worry about me! I'm fine honestly, the twins are walking already. It's hardly like I lost it all overnight, or in any unhealthy way. I just needed to feel like myself again and I do now. I really do. Not just because I fit into my old jeans again but….."

"But?"

"I mean I don't want to scare it away or tempt fate by saying it out loud but things feel better, you know? I don't dread getting up in the morning anymore. I like my job, no, actually I would go as far as to say I'm starting to love my job. I feel like I have a purpose there. I'm learning things and I'm doing presentations to important people, and they listen to me. People actually ask my opinion on stuff."

"You have no idea how good it is to hear you say these things Evie Grace."

"I'm starting to feel like a whole person again, Mom. Not just Sergeant Arliss' wife. Not just CJ's and Livi's mom. I'm using my brain again. I'm meeting interesting people, doing complicated things. I'm starting to remember what it felt like to stand on that podium graduating Brown with the whole world waiting for me. Like anything was possible."

"Those roles were important too, sweetheart. They still are. Not everyone could've done what you did, and been what you were to Calvin while he served. Having the twins while he was so far from home and raising them solo so often was incredibly hard and you handled it with such strength and grace. You earned this moment, my love."

"I guess so. And I guess all the things that have happened, good and bad, have brought me here. I'm a different person at work now than I was back in San Francisco. It creeps up on you, little by little, I suppose. How we're shaped by the choices we make, and things that happen beyond our control."

"And the way we choose to deal with them."

"You know what you said just now about how I was there for Calvin. He was there for me too mom. It seems ironic to say it now but he's one the most loyal people I've ever known. He picked me back up after San Francisco; he helped me put all the pieces back together again. He will always be a huge, a massive; an irreplaceable part of who I am. I can't live a life without him in it. Even if that looks a little different than before."

"How are you doing with that?" asked Olivia gently, quietly, giving Eve the space to breathe.

"We've been talking more lately. It's starting to feel a little less raw. To scab over a bit maybe. I guess it'll take a while to figure out a new normal but I still love him, and he still loves me. But I'm starting to think I might be ready to accept that it's really…." lowering her eyes, taking a moment to steady herself, Eve sighed, "… that our marriage is over."

"You didn't fail, Evie."

"How did you…."

"Because I know you, darling. I know how you think, how you're wired, how you see things. You didn't fail. You're doing a beautiful thing for him in trying to accept his relationship with Texas. You're being incredibly strong for your kids. Just because your marriage is over doesn't mean what it was holds any less value. Being able to come out of this still loving him? Still wanting him to be part of your life? That takes incredible strength and compassion Evie and I'm so very proud of you for that."

"I got it from my momma…." said Eve simply, and she needn't have said a word more. The two women looked at each other, and reaching across the table Eve gave her mother's hand a squeeze. Some things were ending, some were beginning. So many things were changing, and some never would.

* * *

"Hello?"

"Hey there…" smiled Calvin, wiping oil on his overalls and squinting through the low autumnal sunshine at their visitor, "… it's Beth, right?"

"You remembered."

"You here to see Sam?"

"If he's around?" she asked, her hair was waist length and blonde and it occurred to Calvin the same way it had in the bar that she looked nowhere near her age.

Beth was pretty but she was plain. Her face was pale, her cheeks lightly flushed. There was nothing hugely remarkable about her but she had a warmth, and something real about her that he couldn't help but like. He had always, and would always be, fiercely protective of Sammy.

"He's on the phone in the office but he'll be glad to see you. Stick around, sit down while you wait if you want…." gesturing a still greasy hand toward the rickety old chair in the corner of the workshop Calvin flashed another little smile.

"Thanks."

"You two hanging out now then?" asked Calvin, sticking his head back under the hood of the car he was working on but listening intently for her answer.

"Kind of, sort of. I hope so."

"Because you should know Sammy is a catch, he's one of the good ones. But don't let that sweet little face fool you he's…"

"Ignore my brother!" announced Sam, spinning out of the office and wheeling at pace to rescue Beth before Calvin said anything embarrassing or regrettable. "Whatever he's just been telling you: ignore it. He's nowhere near as funny as he thinks he is."

"You're fine he didn't say anything bad at all…." laughed Beth, a little quiet, a little nervous.

"You wanna go grab a coffee somewhere?"

"Go for it, I'm all over this." Said Calvin confidently, giving them an encouraging wave toward the road. Tapping the wrench in one hand against the palm of his other Calvin sighed to himself with a rush of warmth and pride, replaying Sam's words in his head and murmuring aloud, "Brother, huh?"

"One minute I was cutting class and playing ball every second I could and the next everything was different. I've thought a lot about that, how one car ride changed my whole life."

"That's crazy. I can't imagine how tough that is to handle. Not just the physical side but all the other stuff that must come with it."

"I had a lot of help. My mom and dad are pretty awesome and my sister Evie."

"And your brother?"

"Calvin isn't technically my brother. Not by blood that is. He dated my sister for years, married her in the end. They have two kids. They're not together anymore."

"But the two of you are close?"

"He was there for me after the accident. I learned pretty quickly that a lot of people run hard and fast in the other direction. He didn't. He stayed. He was there. Not in a bring you flowers and grapes, say a few awkward kind of words and then leave again there. In a sit with you for days, wipe your ass, force you to keep fighting there. He's my brother. How about you, you got siblings?"

"I wish I did. You have a huge family, but mine is tiny. Just me and my Dad falling over each other in our tiny little apartment."

"Has it always been just the two of you?" asked Sam gently.

"My Mom died when I was pretty little. I don't remember her so much. My Dad is amazing though, he raised me all by himself. We're really close."

"He sounds like a great guy."

"He's excited to meet you. I mean not now, not yet. Well, we'll see. Sorry, did I make things weird? I didn't mean to it just kind of slipped out."

"Shut up! It'd be great to meet your Dad sometime. I'm not sure I'd be as keen to meet my family if I were you. It's kind of a tribe at this point. It's awesome but I guess it could a little intimidating at first."

"So who else is there? Your mom and dad, your sister, Calvin, and their two kids?"

"Basically yeah, but then I guess I'd go ahead and include Texas in the mix. She's Calvin's, well, they're together now. She has a daughter Leni with Gil, whose dad used to work with my mom. Oh there's Fin too, and his other half Melinda. They used to work with my mom and dad too back when they were cops."

"And they're all family too, huh?" smiled Beth, seeing Sam come alive when he spoke about them all.

"We're all pretty close."

"I wish I had more to tell you but I already kind of said it all. I live at home still, I went to school and then did one year in community college. That's where I met Brianna. My friend from the other night trying to get her claws into Calvin. I came home to help my Dad pay the bills and I've worked as a cashier at Bank of America ever since. I don't really have a story, or any drama, I'm pretty much the most ordinary person ever!"

"Drama is overrated…" smiled Sam warmly, then added, "…. and you're not ordinary. Far from it. So, look, I was wondering. Would you wanna go out to dinner with me sometime?"

"Dinner, sure, sure yeah I would really like that."

"What if sometime were this Thursday, would that work for you?"

"Thursday not so much…." she said, and his heart lurched, then righted itself as she smiled quickly, "… but Friday would be great?"

* * *

"This place is nice."

"It's an old cop bar, hasn't changed in thirty years. Some of the best places haven't."

"Some of the best people haven't…." said Calvin with a quiet sage that took Elliot a little by surprise. He smiled to himself, taking a drink and settling back into the old leather chair he was sat in.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to have this conversation with you. I'm sorry it took me so long to have any conversation with you. The past few months have taken the wind out of me somehow and I haven't handled everything the best I could've."

"You've handled things just fine, Mr S. She's your daughter. You'd have had every right to never have this conversation with me. Or to have it with your fist."

"I think we both know, I think we all know, that this is all a little more complicated than that."

"Complicated." Echoed Calvin simply, taking a long drink of his bar and staring into the distance with a brooding stoicism.

"I know I fought you. I know I fought, hard, to stop you and Evie getting together in the first place. But that doesn't mean that I didn't see it for what it was in the end. You two were good together. They were good years, Calvin. However it ended, however all this played out and feels now don't forget that."

"I'll try, sir."

"You'll learn for yourself one day that all a father wants for his kid is safety, happiness, some kind fulfilment whatever that looks like for them. I never once doubted that Evie would be safe with you: protected. She was the happiest that kid has ever been dating you, marrying you. Don't you forget that."

"I'm sorry I couldn't stay, sir. I tried, I really did. I thought it was the right thing. I just wasn't being honest with her. I wasn't being honest with myself."

"Truth is I'm not so sure she's been all that honest with herself these past few years either. People change, Calvin. We're not built to just stay in one place, one person our whole lives. We bend, we break, we fall, we get back up. Each time we do all of those things we're a little bit different than we were before."

"I guess I just feel like I promised her something I couldn't give her in the end and I let her down. I let you all down."

"You gave Evie all you had for as long as you could…." said Elliot simply, calmly, setting his blue eyes on Calvin carefully, "… she knows that and so do we."

"Sometimes I wish…."

"What?" prompted Elliot, when Calvin fell quiet.

"Don't you ever wonder sometimes what would've happened if you'd done one thing different? Just one thing? One moment to do over that could've changed everything?"

"I try not to if I can help it."

"If I'd never have gone to fetch Johnny from the precinct I'd never have met Evie and protected her from all of this. If I'd had the balls to stand up to Johnny then I could've saved Tex years ago. If I'd have been stronger and fought harder to get my mom into rehab then maybe she'd still be here and…."

"And what, Calvin?"

"And nothing, I guess. She'd still be exactly the same. But she'd be here."

"You know I realise that my saying this will make absolutely zero difference. No more than it has to my wife all these years. But hell I'll try…." inhaling slowly Elliot held Calvin's gaze and spoke as deep into his soul as he could manage to penetrate, "… it is **not** your job to protect the whole world and everyone in it. It isn't your sole responsibility to save everyone, to fix everything. It is _damn_ admirable that you try so hard, but the weight of that responsibility will crush you in the end."

"I fucked it, all of it…." said Calvin, at a low mutter. His eyes turned down, his jaw tight, and shoulders hunched he nursed his beer miserably.

"Calvin?"

"Mmm…"

"Will you look at me please?" insisted Elliot with a sharp, demanding bark.

"Sorry?" mumbled Calvin, lifting his gaze obediently.

"If you'd never fetched Johnny from the 16th then my daughter would never have known what it is to fall in love, to have someone be there for her unquestioningly through some of the hardest years of her life. You _did_ have the balls to stand up to Johnny, and I have it on good authority that you're the reason Texas is still alive. And no one, **no one** could've been stronger or fought harder to keep their mom than you did. Liv told me, and you know better than to call her a liar."

"Yes sir."

"Calvin you have more courage and character, and more heart than pretty much every man I've ever met and you know I don't say that likely. You didn't let anyone down….." reaching a hand to Calvin's shoulder Elliot said the words he wished so often he had heard his father say to him, "… you didn't let anyone down, son."


End file.
